Hannah and Mia are the exact opposite of each other.
Stop comparing them. There is no comparison.
I tap the remote, and when the locks click, Hannah looks up and smiles, slipping down the front of my truck.
“Where to, boss?”
“Do you just want to come over and watch a movie or play video games?” A surprised expression crosses her face. “I’m beat after practice, and I don’t really want to go out or anything.”
“Yeah, sure,” she whispers. Her hands rest on her thighs, and her nails dig into her jeans.
The short drive is silent, the air thick with an unexplainable apprehension.
I pull into the driveway. Both of my parents’ cars are in the garage, so I park to the right of them.
Hannah’s hand comes down on my arm, and I still.
“Nick—”
“I appreciate whatever you’re going to say, but can I be honest with you about something?” I cut her off because I don’t want to hear her say the words.
“Of course.” She rests her knee on the seat, giving me her full attention. Her head leans against the headrest.
“I don’t want to think about her.” I shake my head, knowing the words sound horribly selfish, but understanding it’s how I feel in this moment. “Every second, for a long time, she’s all I’ve thought about. I’ll never forget her, but I’d really like to give my mind a break. So, if we could just not...”
“Absolutely.” She opens the door and jumps out, rushing to the front of my truck. “Come on! Or are you too afraid I’ll kick your ass in some video games?” There’s this wild grin on her face I’ve never seen before, and it sort of makes me happy.
Hannah walks into my house, not bothering to wait for me. I’m quick on her heels, but not quick enough. My parents are looking at Hannah like she’s grown two heads since the last time they saw her.
“Hey, Mr. and Mrs. Kovac,” Hannah says, waving to them.
“What’s going on?” My mom’s eyes narrow on her, confused. I want to sit back and see how this plays out, but I save us all.
“Hannah and I are going to go play some video games or something.” I shrug, begging them not to make a big deal out of this. “If that’s okay?”
Stunned silent, my mom nods. The last time Hannah was in our house, she had dragged my drunk ass home. Mom clearly wasn’t expecting to see her again so soon.
Not my dad, though. Nope, he’s looking at me like I’m keeping a secret, and I don’t quite understand why. “You two have fun.” He returns to his magazine.
I grip Hannah’s wrist and drag her away as she’s saying goodbye to my parents. When we are downstairs, she plops down on the couch.
“Wow!” she says, looking at everything. “Pretty sweet set up.”
I sit on the coffee table, bent over the cabinet where I keep my video games. “Pick your poison.” I flaunt the game covers for her to choose.
“Oh, I think I can beat you in this one.” She points to my favorite.
I grin, because there’s no way she’ll be able to beat me. I hand her the controller, and we sit forward as the game comes alive on the screen. We pick our characters. She chooses one I don’t expect, and I glance at her. She has a look in her eyes, like she’s two steps ahead of me. I decide on my go-to guy and push Start. We don’t talk unless we’re bad mouthing each other.
She plays big, elbowing me as she twists the controller back and forth.
“You do know you don’t have to move the whole controller, right?” I laugh when she glares at me.
“You’re just upset because you’re losing to a girl.” Her eyebrows flutter, egging me on.
I turn my full attention to the game, preparing to round house her ass, but she gets a strong enough kick to my chest, and my guy goes flying to the ground.
“KO!” Hannah jumps up, dancing around the coffee table in celebration. She turns dramatically and points at me. “You’re dead.”
“Humble yourself.” I grin, laughing with her.
“Being humble is for losers. I. Am. No. Loser.” She plops back down on the couch beside me and points to the TV. “Come on, push Play.”
“Oh no, I’m changing my guy.”
I do. Three times. To my surprise, she brutally whoops my ass all three times, followed each win with a cute little version of her victory dance.
By the fourth time, my leg is jumping, my competitive nature eager to win at least once. She sets up the same move as she did the first time, and I’m ready to block. At the last second, she shifts her avatar to the side, and I miss my shot. A kick hits my back, and there’s no recovering. She giggles, and I drop the controller, overcome by something I don’t recognize.
I’m pushing hers out of her hand before I can give it a second thought, tackling her to the floor. We’re stuck between the couch and the table, her small body pinned under mine. My knees squeeze her sides as I pull her arms over her head.
“You think you’re funny, huh? You hustled me just like you did Beckett.” I smile at her.
Her chest lurches through her laughs, and as she wiggles underneath me, I’m suddenly aware of our closeness. Her giggles simmer down, leaving a heaving body beneath me. She looks at me with confusion and this excitement that stuns me.
We freeze, neither willing nor able to move.
“I’ve never noticed how blue your eyes are,” she whispers, tilting her head to the side to inspect them.
Lost in a trance or delirium, I don’t know what this is, I release a hand and trail my fingers down the side of her head, mingling them in the hair along her crown. I tuck the loose strands behind her ear, suddenly aware of my body’s reaction to her.
“It feels good to touch someone again.” Desperate to create a little space between us, I sit up on my knees, knowing this doesn’t sound right. “I’m a fucking idiot. I don’t know what I’m saying.”
Hannah grabs the hand at my side, bringing it to her chest. It lays flat over her heart. She covers mine with hers. The beat of her chest pummels against her skin, radiating out to mine. Hannah shrugs, a quiet understanding passing through us.
I close my eyes, pushing away the inner turmoil wreaking havoc on my mind. Clearing every thought away, I feel the beat of her heart and listen to her shallow breaths. When I open my eyes, I witness a tear rolling down her cheek.
How can one tear feel like it’s ripping my insides apart?
“Are you okay?” Everything inside of me tells me to move my hand away, to get off her, but I’m frozen between desperation to feel close to her, and anger for making her cry. “Did I do something to hurt you?” I finally stand, releasing the connection between us.
Hannah scurries to her feet, straightening her shirt. “Nick, you didn’t do anything. I’m the one who did something. I’m sorry.” She runs her hands over my slumped shoulders. “I have to go. I’m sorry.”
There isn’t a chance in hell I’m letting her run out of the house like that. I’ve been an asshole lately, and I don’t plan to continue to be that way, especially to her after how kind she’s been to me.
“Hannah, wait up!” I yell, racing behind her, but she’s already out the front door.
“Nicholas, everything okay?” My mom’s voice startles me, and I turn to see her and my dad sitting on the couch. “Is she okay?”
“I don’t know what I did.” I chase after Hannah, not taking the time to close the door behind me.
Hannah’s at the end of the driveway, her phone in her hand.
“Nick, don’t. I just need a second, okay?” she says before I’m even in front of her.
I step into her range of vision, and she glances up, only to drop her focus back to her screen.
“Just let me give you a ride home.” I dip low to look her in the eyes, taking the phone from her. This grabs her attention. Her smile is sad, and it dawns on me, right in this moment, I’m worried about her in a way I have never been before today. “It’s unlocked. I have to go grab my keys and shoes.�
��
When we pull into her driveway ten minutes later, I expect her to jump out, to get as far away from me as possible. Instead she faces me, turning down the music I’d used as a shield.
“What did you mean by what you said?” Hannah peeks at me through her eyelashes, hopeful for whatever I’m willing to give her.
“Is that why you were crying? Because of what I said?” I turn the keys in the ignition. I’m not leaving until we get to the bottom of this.
“No.” She glances out the window, then twists around, her eyes boring into mine. “I cried because of how it made me feel, Nick.”
“How did it make you feel?” I’m a fucking typical dumbass, playing with fire that I know will burn us both.
“It’s more about how you felt, why you did what you did.” She unbuckles, and I know she’s going to be gone in a second if I let her. Her hand pauses on the doorknob, like she’s waiting for me to stop her.
Dammit, what am I supposed to say? That for the first time in a long time, I had fun, and she’d played a big part in that? Or that I liked the way she took over, knowing exactly what I needed? How do I say these things and not feel like I’ve betrayed Mia?
“You help me feel less alone and...”
Her hand releases the knob, and painfully slow, she faces me. I swallow, prolonging the words I want to say but know I shouldn’t.
A lungful of air might as well be daggers when it leaves Hannah’s mouth. “Nick, it’s okay, you don’t have to say anything.”
“Hannah, I’m angry and terrified when I’m around you. The more time we spend together, the more you’re nearby, the more I feel her slipping away.” I lean against the headrest and close my eyes, letting the truth settle in. What I’ve said is true. When I think I have nothing else to give, every time Hannah helps me, smiles, or gives me a hard time, a piece of me is chipped away.
I don’t open my eyes when warmth covers my hand, but let it seep into every part of me, enjoying the way it feels.
“Okay,” Hannah whispers.
As quick as a puck drop, the door opens and shuts.
She’s gone.
Chapter Nine
Hannah
“Did you have fun tonight?” my dad yells from the kitchen.
I walk in and grin, jumping onto the countertop beside where he’s tossing wings in a metal bowl.
Did I have fun tonight? That’s a loaded question, now, isn’t it? On one hand, I did have fun. It was nice to have some normalcy. On the other, it seems like the one thing that makes me feel normal is also the one thing that’s causing the cloud in my mind to seep into every thought.
“You okay, sweetheart? That boy didn’t try something, did he?” He taps his finger against my knee to drag me back into the room with him. “I’ll kill him if he did.”
“Can I speak candidly with you? I’d ask Mom, but since she isn’t here...”
“Way to make me feel needed, Han.” The corners of his eyes pinch together when he laughs, showing his age.
“Since Mia passed, I’ve felt kind of lost. It isn’t fair. She was my best friend, Dad.” I blink, hoping to convince the tears to stay put.
“Mia was a force. She always made her presence known, but unlike most teenagers, she was simple and understated, much like yourself.” He offers me a wing, and I grab it from the bottom of the bowl, taking a big bite. “You can’t allow yourself to be held back because of what happened to her. She’d want you to live.”
“I guess I’ve been feeling guilty.” I toss the bones into the garbage can. “Is that strange?”
There’s no way I can tell him the real reason I feel guilty. I can barely admit it to myself.
“Oh, baby girl, I think if you ask anyone who’s lost someone like you have, they’d say that’s a normal feeling. You get to do all these things she’ll never have the chance to do.” He holds out his hand, and I jump down from the counter and into his fatherly embrace.
“Thanks, Dad,” I whisper.
“That’s what I’m here for. Don’t underestimate dads, you know. Sometimes we know just as much as moms.” He chuckles, pulling away and focusing on his beloved wings. “Now, go get some sleep.”
I drag my feet and head to my bathroom. After a quick shower, I fall to the mattress, exhausted mentally and physically.
Bzzz. Bzzz.
“Shit!” I whisper, stretching for my phone on the nightstand. “Fuck!” I read the name on the screen beside the words New Text. Why is he texting me? I open it and read the words several times.
Nick: Goodnight, Hannah.
What the hell am I supposed to say to that? Those things he’d said, they’d made me feel things I don’t think I’m allowed. He doesn’t mean them anyway.
Me: Ok.
Real fucking smooth, Hannah.
The three dots on messenger tell me he’s typing. They disappear, but no text comes through.
There they are again.
No text comes through, though, making me wonder what he was trying to say but couldn’t.
This shouldn’t be this complicated. Feeling Nick on top of me tonight, playfully pinning me under his body, brought on a lot of emotions I’d prefer to keep hidden in the darkest depths of my mind.
The most painful part of tonight’s events is no one likes rejection, and even though there was nothing to reject, it still feels like one.
He’d said it himself. It feels good to touch someone. Not me. Someone.
Hi, my name is Hannah, and I’m just a warm body. Nothing more. Nothing less. Even knowing that, the minute my back had hit the carpet, and I’d felt his strong thighs cage me in, I’d wanted it, to feel the exhilaration from his touch.
I go to sleep feeling like complete shit, and promising myself not to put myself in that same position again.
Nick and I can be friends, but I refuse to be his warm body.
*****
“Hannah, wait up!”
I turn to see Beckett chasing after me and stop to check the time on my phone.
“My dad’ll have your ass if you’re late, Beckett.” I smile at him but keep walking out to the parking lot.
He hurries his steps, pulling in front of me to block the doors. “Hey!”
“Hey?” My eyes narrow. I’m curious where this conversation is headed. We haven’t talked much since we’d kissed that first night.
“Would you want to grab some dinner tonight?” His eyes shift to the side, and the locker room door opens.
Nick’s head pops out. My heart quickens at the sight.
He’s been avoiding me like I’m a damn leper. He barely could look at me in class, choosing to avoid any sort of verbal conversation. Instead, he settled for a few grunts here and there.
“Beckett, let’s go!” Nick yells, shaking his head before disappearing back inside.
“Wait for me after practice, okay? We’ll grab some tacos.” With his instructions, he jogs off.
“How do you know I want tacos?” I yell.
With a sheepish grin, he runs back to me and drops a sweet kiss on my cheek. “I’ll take you where you want to eat, Hannah, as long as I get to sit across from you while you do it.”
Beckett runs to the locker room, and I stand in the middle of the hallway, disoriented and kind of turned on. He’d come across so tender and gentle that first night, but right now, the way he’d whispered his intentions in my ear has me fanning my flushed face.
“What is this?” Nicole runs the back of her fingers over my cheek. “What is happening here?”
I slap her hand away. “Nothing. It’s nothing.”
“Was that young Beckett whispering sweet nothings in your ear just a second ago?” She wraps her arm through mine. “Now, are we going to ride that train to Orgasm-ville, or get off before the final destination?”
“You’re the absolute worst, Nicole,” I groan, releasing my arm from her hold but following her down the hallway to her locker. “Beckett and I aren’t going to be anything.”
“I
didn’t say marry the motherfucker. I said get in, get off, get out.” She runs her badge over the front of her locker, and it pops open.
I roll my eyes at her antics, but I can’t stop the laugh. “Who hurt you, girl?”
She holds her hands up in defense and turns to grab whatever it is she dragged me here for. “I’m just saying he’s hot! And you’re overdue for a little action.”
“How do you know?” I stop dead in the middle of the hallway. How could she possibly know I’m deprived?
“If you were the last person to get you off, then you’re overdue, Hannah.” She smirks, placing her ass right in front of me to block me from leaving. She pulls a pink-hued lip gloss from her purse and tries to glide the color over my lips.
“Oh, whatever.” I move past her, hoping to hide the truth. “If you must know, Beckett’s going to take me out to dinner tonight.” Before I can say another thing, she wraps her hand around my wrist and pulls me in the direction of the rink, my backpack practically dragging behind me. “Where are we going?”
“Hockey practice. Where else?” She opens the doors, and we walk through the empty locker room attached to the rink. “You’re telling me you never sneak in here to watch these boys? It’s like foreplay on skates.”
The cold air hits my face, and I’m teleported to when I was younger, sitting on the edge of the wall, watching my dad coach. Hockey is what our family lives for. It’s all I’ve ever known. Something about the rink forces the bad in the world away for a little while.
“Come on.” Nicole starts walking towards the benches, but I go the opposite way to the stands across the rink. “Where are you going?” she asks when she catches up to me.
“My dad always says if I’m going to be at practice, I’m not meant to be seen. Apparently, the boys get distracted rather easily.” I laugh, remembering the way his eyes widened when I’d tried to sit on the bench freshman year. He likes to believe there is some allure of trying to hook up with the Coach’s daughter.
Under a Different Sky Page 10