“Mia, you can’t make me promise that,” I argue, sounding whinier than I prefer. I’m not the one who has something to be upset about. “He’s not going to want my help.”
“You’re right. He’s not, because he’s so damn stubborn.” She smiles with such affection. “And that’s why it needs to be you.” She sits up, pulling the covers over her lap. Her body shakes just enough to be noticeable.
“Are you cold?” I stand to grab another blanket from under her window bench.
“I’m always cold these days, but that’s not the point.” She waves me off, but still accepts the blanket. “Don’t worry about me. Worry about him.”
“I can’t.” I grit my teeth, unable to say anything else.
“Give me one good reason why you can’t grant this one last request from your best friend.” She starts to cough, clearly agitated with me. This happens all too often these days.
“What do you expect me to do?” I ask, knowing damn well I’ll never be able to. I hand her a cup of water, and she takes a sip from the straw.
Tears well up in her eyes, and all is lost. “Make sure he’s okay, Hannah. I can’t leave if I know he’s going to fall apart.”
“Then don’t leave.” My own sadness bubbles to the edge, and Mia hands me a napkin.
“It’s not that easy, and you know it.” She dabs at her tears and reaches a hand out to me, which I can’t not take. “Please, promise me, Hannah.”
“I promise,” I whisper, leaning against the pillow on her bed.
Her room no longer looks like hers. The hospital bed takes up most of the space, and there are so many medications on the bedside table. Everything she needs to make her more comfortable is close at hand, as we wait for the moment when she’ll stop being Mia.
“Thank you.” She lays her head on my shoulder.
I meant the promise, too. The moment she went, Nick would need me. She was completely right about him. Mia knew him better than anyone else, and for some reason, she chose me to be his shoulder to lean on. I’ll never understand why.
“You okay?”
I sit straight up in my bed and find Nicole leaning against the doorframe. There’s a sad smile on her face. Her uncertainty floods the distance between us.
“You can come in, you know,” I offer, pulling a pillow over my chest like it will protect me in some way.
“Kellan doesn’t know I’m here.” She takes a step inside, way too focused on her feet.
“I figured as much. He had plenty to say about me earlier.” Remembering the things he’d said hurts. Kellan is like a brother to me, and now, he hates me.
“He’ll cool down.”
“No, he won’t,” I scoff.
“You may be right.” She knows as good as I do, Kellan is most protective of Mia. He has always been that way, and it’s not going to stop now.
“So, why are you here?” I ask, needing to know.
“I was worried about you. It seems I was moments away from missing a pretty epic freak out from Nick, and an announcement I don’t think any of us would ever be prepared for.” She sits on the edge of the bed. “Is it true? Is he the guy you’ve been keeping secret?”
I start to cry, not because I’ve been caught, but because it hurts too much not to. Nicole wipes away the tears that don’t want to stop, and I’m grateful for her being here.
“I should have told you.” I shake my head, frustrated with how I’ve handled everything. “It would have been nice to talk to someone.”
“I already knew,” she whispers. My head springs up. “I read the letter you left for Mia.”
“How?” I quickly dry my face. The tears have stopped purely from confusion. There’s no way Nicole has read my letter to Mia.
“Mr. and Mrs. James wanted Kellan to go into Mia’s room to pick up some things. He couldn’t, so he asked if I would go through her stuff.” She reaches for my hand, but I jerk it away.
“And you found my letter.” It sinks heavy into my heart. “And you found my letter and read it.”
“I didn’t know what it was until it was too late.” She shrugs, apology seeping from her eyes. “I had no idea, Hannah, and if it helps, I don’t think it was fair of her to make you make those promises. It was selfish.”
“She was dying,” I plead for Mia’s sake, protective of my best friend even when she isn’t here.
“Doesn’t make it any righter, Hannah.” She tugs me into her arms, holding me like she understands I need it.
“What did you do with the letter?” I ask.
“I put it in that pink box she was always tucking things into.”
At her words, I pull away and look at her, terror setting in.
“What?”
“Mr. and Mrs. James gave that box to Nick.” In a panic, I rush around my room, trying to find my purse.
“Where are you going?” Nicole grabs my arm, trying to stop my full-blown freak out.
Her being here isn’t helping. Knowing she knows the one thing I’ve tried to keep secret, is physically painful.
“Where do you think I’m going?” I stop in my tracks and turn to fully look at her. “What if he’s read it?”
“So what?” She shakes her head, like she’s trying to figure out why I’m losing my shit. “It’s not like you killed her, Hannah.”
“You didn’t see her face when I told her, Nicole, and I made that promise.” Covering my face with my hands, I try to swipe away the stress, except it’s still here when I look at Nicole for pity or understanding. I’m not even sure what I need anymore. “I sat in front of her, while she was dying, and I made the promise.”
“And things change.” Her hands extend outward, proving my frustration is rubbing off on her.
“He’s not going to see it like that.”
“You don’t know that.”
“If he’s read it, I need to explain myself. I need to make sure he understands I didn’t mean to hurt him or her.” As I think about how this will seem to him if he gets his hands on that damn letter, my breaths become harder and more difficult to come by.
“Hannah!” Nicole shouts, her eyes shining back at me. “Whatever happens, I’m here. You know that, right?”
“No matter what?” I ask, because we both know Kellan won’t like it. I’d never make her draw lines in the sand, and she understands that.
She nods, and I leave. Staying here gives Nick more time to find that letter.
Every minute that passes, he could be reading my words. If he does, everything will change again, and I’m not sure if I know how to explain myself.
Back when I made those promises to Mia, I meant every word. Now, knowing what I do, I don’t think I could have kept them both. I should have never forced myself into Nick’s life. Nothing good would come of it. I knew it back then, just as I know it now. His presence in my life only made it harder on my heart to keep the distance.
“Where are you going?” My dad steps in front of the door. His gaze skims over my tear-stained face. Worry peeks from the corners of his eyes.
“I messed up, Dad, like no coming back from it bad this time.” I shake my head, falling forward until my forehead hits his chest.
He comforts me with a hand on the back of my neck, shushing me as my cries become wails.
“Nothing you’ve done could be bad enough that you can’t come back from it,” he says, resting his chin on the top of my head. “Nick called you his Achilles heel tonight.”
“So?” I have no idea why that’s so significant.
“When Mia died, Nick acted out in every way possible when someone even whispered her name wrong. I called her his Achilles heel, the one thing that could make him fall to his knees.” He pulls me away from the safety of his body. “She isn’t the only one who’s able to make him crumble, Hannah.”
“I really messed up, Dad.” I nod slowly, letting it settle in between us.
“We always find a way to be forgiven, if we really want to be. It may not be today. Hell, it may not
be this week. But, if you truly care for him, you’ll be more than happy to wait.” He kisses my forehead and steps away from the door.
With my hand on the knob, I look over my shoulder. “What if he never does?”
“Only one way to find out.” He smiles, shooing me out the door.
This is it. Decision time. There are only a few seconds left on the clock before the buzzer signals the end. I drive across town to his house. The windows are down, fresh air blazing through the car, cooling my heated skin. I can’t stop the tears rushing down my face. I’d give anything to turn back the clock, to fix every single thing I’ve done wrong along the way.
When I pull into the driveway, Mrs. Kovac is unloading groceries from the trunk of her car. She doesn’t look too happy to see me. I’ve hurt her son, and now, I realize she knows it, too.
“He’s not here, Hannah,” she says in a voice cold enough to give me chills. Like a wave, it all crashes down on me, making it unbearable to take in a breath, drowning me slowly.
“You know about the letter. I never meant to hurt him.” I humble myself, begging her to let me correct my wrongs done to her son. If I were her, I’d tell me to go to hell, but she surprises me.
With her shoulders pulled back, she drops her bags and walks over to me.
“Watching him lose Mia was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. He loved her so much, but there was this strength in his backbone I didn’t expect him to show. You came along, and you broke him, Hannah.” She shakes her head, reaching up to dry my tears, which feels odd. “I’m not going to tell you where he is, but if you find him, he’d better come back better than he was when he left. I’m not willing to watch my son be the shadow of a man he was when you two found each other.”
“I don’t know what to say.” I can barely look this woman in the eyes. Her words are like daggers to my chest, and I’m bleeding out at her feet.
“If you can’t be someone he can love, someone he can trust, then walk away. He’s already lost so much. Reading that letter shattered everything he thought he knew with you.” She turns her back, grabs her groceries, and leaves me in the middle of the driveway.
I shake my head, understanding what she’s said. Today will not end in despair and tears. I’m going to fix this. I’m going to make him understand I’ve never had anything but good intentions.
Unease creeps into my bones when I pull into the cemetery. Being here brings a flood of memories from my first visit. How Mr. and Mrs. James clung to each other as they lowered Mia into the ground. The smell of fresh rain on the grass. How packed the gravesite was with everyone from town. It feels as if it was just yesterday when I parked along the street with my parents, wearing a black dress to say my final goodbye to my best friend.
Nick’s truck is nowhere to be seen. Something draws me to Mia’s gravesite. Darkness blankets the grounds, creating an eerie atmosphere, which is ironic because this is the scariest thing I’ve ever done. The grass tickles my ankles as I stand in front of the beautiful marble etched with her full name and the words Daughter and friend.
I brush the loose leaves from around her headstone and slump to the damp grass.
“How are you?” I whisper. “What a stupid question, right?”
I’m not even sure why I’m talking out loud to her. She’s not here, but it’s the closest thing to her I have.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t keep all of my promises to you.” Overwhelmed with everything inside of my heart and head, a heavy ache pulses in my chest. A few deep breaths help control the panic. “I tried.” A laugh escapes my lips, and guilt instantly settles in, knowing Mia would have seen right through my lies. “Okay, Mia, you’re right. I didn’t try hard enough. I’ve only ever been honest with you, and I never expected to feel the way I do for Nick.”
I stand, brushing the dirt from the back of my pants, and grip the marble, the only thing left of my best friend.
“I don’t know if you can hear me, but if you can, maybe you can find a way to forgive me for falling for him. He’s always been yours, and I took something that didn’t belong to me.” I tap my finger on the edge of the stone and turn away, feeling heavier than I did when I first came here.
It’s late, nearing ten when I get into my car. If he wasn’t at the cemetery, there’s only one other place he could be. When I pull into the parking lot, his truck is close to the door. Peter’s car peeks out around the corner.
With fear in my heart and determination in my veins, I open the door. The cool air hits me right in the face. Loud snaps echo throughout, and when I check the rink, Nick is standing mid-ice, cranking out puck after puck into an invisible goal. The muscles in his back flex under the strain of the power he puts behind every shot.
“Haven’t seen him like this in a while.” Peter’s voice startles me, and I nearly jump out of my skin.
Before I can say something, he walks away, leaving me to watch Nick.
There has to be at least fifty pucks resting at Nick’s feet, waiting for him to release some of his anger on them. I watch, one by one, as he pulls back his stick, hitting the black rubber into the boards. With every smack, I jolt, scared down to my bones. The tension and trouble in the air is thick enough to choke me.
“You just going to stand in the corner and watch me all night?” Nick’s voice is strong.
“How’d you know I was here?” I say, stepping onto the ice. My feet are unsteady. Maybe it’s the giant ice cube I’m standing on, or my nerves are literally trying to knock me on my ass.
“I always know when you’re near, Hannah.” He rotates on his skates, resting a bit of his weight on the hockey stick. “That’s sort of the problem.”
“Let me explain.” I shuffle towards him.
He spins, continuing to assault the pucks at his feet.
“I don’t need you to explain. It’s laid out awfully simple in the letter.” He lifts his stick and hits a puck harder than he has since I’ve been here. The veins in his neck protrude, and the muscles in his body are rock solid. “You see, in the beginning, I pushed you away because I didn’t want your help. Having you close-by only reminded me of her. After a while, I started to expect to see your face among all my bad decisions, helping me up from the ground at my lowest point.” When he faces me again, the fury in his eyes pierces my heart. “I never thought you’d be one of those bad decisions, Hannah, but you are the biggest mistake I’ve ever made.”
“You don’t mean that!” I reach out to him, to touch him, to remind him I’m still me.
“I absolutely mean it,” he says, his voice cold and stoic. “Now, whenever I look into your beautiful blue eyes, I know you’re capable of lying to me through them. Your touch will only anger me, because it shouldn’t be you, I’m touching. It should be her.”
“Nothing in the letter changes anything.” I circle around him, standing between him and the makeshift goal.
“You’re delusional if you think that’s true, Hannah.” He tosses the hockey stick to the side and comes chest to chest with me. “Did you think I wouldn’t find out? That this secret would stay between you and Mia forever?” He shakes his head. “You’re really standing in front of me like it won’t change anything? Because for me, it changes everything.”
“I’m still me.” I tip my head and watch his eyes follow the drip of tears down my face.
“You’re right. You’re still you, and that’s the hardest part about this.” I sigh in relief when he runs the back of his fingers over the wet trails. “You pulled me out of a dark place. Without you, I’m not sure if I would have ever found my way out.”
“I didn’t mean to keep it a secret,” I plead, grabbing his forearm, forcing him back around as he tries to turn away from me.
“But you did keep it a secret. She died, and you made her a fucking promise to watch over me. That’s all she wanted from you, because she knew I would spiral, and she trusted you, out of anyone, to make sure I would be okay, and you did.” He nods, frantically. “I’m okay. Congratula
tions for that, but you also made another promise to her, Hannah.”
“One I had every intention of keeping. You have to know that.”
“Or did you use the first promise to break the second?”
“Do you honestly think that little of me, Nick? After everything, you think I would disrespect her and you? For what? To get a piece of the infamous Nick Kovac, to feel your skin against mine?” I release his arm, suddenly overcome with animosity.
“You promised her you’d never tell me. She basically told you to bury those feelings deep down in your heart, because she wouldn’t be able to handle knowing she was gone, and I was left here with you. She had to fucking know I would fall for you. She knew how remarkable you are.”
“Like I’m some sort of predator, lurking around, waiting for my moment to attack you. Right!” I scoff, laughing hysterically with how ludicrous he sounds right now.
“Hannah, I’m not weak enough not to understand that I played a huge part in what happened between us. I blurred the lines, pulled you in when I should have kept my distance.”
“Why did you?” I shake my head. “I could feel those lines being blurred almost immediately, so you had to have felt it, too.”
“Unlucky for us both, you’re pretty incredible.” He nods, a world of worry passing through his eyes. “There was no way to resist you, Hannah.”
“I don’t want you to think any of my intentions were deceitful. You made me feel something I’ve never felt before. I knew I should have walked away, pushed you away, but then you kissed me, and there was no way to turn my back on that.”
“All I can think is, in her last few days, she had to deal with the reality of you pining over me, and still had the fucking courage to make you promise to watch out for me.” He skates off the ice and I follow behind, prepared to fight for us.
Like a whip, he jerks his laces off and tosses his skates into his bag. Before I can think of something to say, he’s standing with the bag over his shoulder, ready to go.
“You made a promise to her. A promise you knew you’d never be able to keep, because of some little crush. I don’t even understand where it comes from. Never once have I noticed you looking in my direction.” He holds his hands up in front of his face. They shake like he’s fighting to keep his anger under control. “Trust me, I would have known if you were into me. You don’t exactly hide it well.” He turns away.
Under a Different Sky Page 24