by Amanda Wals
"You would?" said Joanna excitedly. "Oh my god! That's great. This is so crazy. You think I'm crazy, don't you?"
I struggled not to laugh. "Joanna, calm down. I've always liked you. I've had a great time with you this summer. And thanks to you, I'm with Kaitlyn now, which I'm very happy about." I hoped that would put her at ease while making it clear I was not taking her back.
"Okay. When Kaitlyn saw I was upset this morning, do you know what she said to me?"
"No idea." I had no fucking idea whatsoever. This weekend had been too crazy for my limited imagination.
"She told me I was her best friend, and she wanted me to be happy. She told me to think through what would make me happy, and she'd support me. So I've spent the whole morning thinking through what would make me happy."
That sounded like a good idea. "And what would make you happy?"
Joanna held up her hand. "Let me start at the beginning. It won't make sense otherwise."
"Okay," I said dubiously.
"Before you came home from college, I was in a bad relationship that destroyed my self-confidence. Kaitlyn said I needed to have you as my boyfriend for the summer to learn how a boyfriend should treat me; to trust you and not hold back; to have sex with you when you felt we were ready to have sex."
"And we started dating."
"Hold it. Let me add that I've always had a crush on you. And it hurt that you always dated another of Kaitlyn's friends and never showed interest in me."
"We were never good at conversation. That was why I asked Kaitlyn to go out with us. And with Kaitlyn being a third-wheel, I had a great time with you. Things took off between us pretty quickly." And now we were much better at conversing when Kaitlyn wasn't around.
"But I couldn't accept that you actually liked me. I thought you were only going out with me because Kaitlyn had asked you to."
Joanna had brought up the big mystery of our relationship. "Why?"
"A number of reasons. I've seen how Kaitlyn can manipulate people. She could have convinced you that I needed to believe you were dating me because you liked me, even though you were doing it only as a favor to her."
I hadn't considered that possibility.
"It never made sense to me that you suddenly found me so wonderful after years of not being attracted to me. And...you don't understand what it's like to be in the self-destructive cycle I was in. Kaitlyn doesn't understand it either. I am my mother's child, and I understand now why she always dates losers. I honestly thought that a great guy like you wouldn't be interested in me. I wasn't good enough for you."
I wanted to wrap Joanna in my arms. "Joanna, you're a wond-"
"No, I'm not. Not in my mind. If I was a wonderful person, my boyfriends would have treated me better. I've never had a dad to tell me I'm wonderful. You've got a family that loves you and tells you you're wonderful whenever you're going through a tough time. I've only had Kaitlyn. In my mind, great guys like you would never date me; only losers would. So I looked for the best loser I could find."
Tears were running down Joanna's face. I couldn't take it anymore. "Come here," I said, indicating she should move between my legs with her back to me. Once she did, I wrapped her in my arms and held her close to my chest. I realized I still cared deeply for her. I held Joanna for a while. I could see the tears drop off of her face. After a while, the drops finally stopped. "Can you tell me what you want to tell me like this?"
"Yeah. Thanks, Brandon." She relaxed back against me. It felt good to hold her again, which made me feel a little guilty. "After we had dated a while, I started considering the idea that you were dating me because you liked me, but I couldn't accept it because it'd make me too vulnerable. If I had accepted it, I'd have fallen head-over-heels in love with you. And what if at the end of the summer, you had said, 'Ta-ta, Joanna. I fulfilled my promise to Kaitlyn, and now it's time for me to date a girl I really like'? That would have crushed me. When you date a loser, it doesn't hurt a lot to break up because there are plenty of other losers. That's always protected me emotionally. There would have been no protection from you."
Joanna was being so open, so honest. I felt myself being sucked into caring for her more than I should.
Joanna continued, "So, Friday, at your parents', snuggling on you after we had sex with you saying great things to me, I thought for the first time, 'This is what love feels like.' I almost said 'I love you', but I chickened out. We hadn't dated long enough for us to fall in love; you wouldn't fall for a girl like me; what if I said 'I love you' and you didn't love me? I decided to wait until you said you wanted to keep dating at college before saying 'I love you'."
So, because neither of us spoke up, we both let our relationship slip away. I had wondered what I needed to do to convince Joanna that I cared for her, and the answer apparently was to commit to her long-term. I had wanted her to say I love you before talking about long-term.
Joanna said, "I don't know why I told you to kiss Kaitlyn's neck. That was what really started everything, wasn't it?"
"Yeah, it was."
"I sat down on Paul's lap to keep him from interrupting. To my surprise instead of being angry about you kissing on Kaitlyn's neck, he flirted with me. Nothing outrageous. 'I like you, Joanna. Brandon's a lucky guy to have you as a girlfriend.' You've said much nicer things, but hearing them from Paul hit me hard. Whereas I had every reason to doubt your sincerity, my best friend's boyfriend was taking a huge risk to say nice things to me. They really made me feel great."
Some jealousy flared. "You didn't tell me he flirted with you."
"It was harmless stuff, and I didn't want to cause a scene. Besides, it helped to make me hot and horny. I found making out in front of Kaitlyn and Paul exciting, and then his compliments got me even more excited. The sex was great that night."
"It was." I smiled at the happy memory. "I almost told you that night I loved you."
"You did? I wish you had," Joanna said wistfully. Then she added in a tone of quiet exasperation, "Or maybe it was better that you didn't. I don't know anymore."
I gave Joanna a hug. "It's okay. Things turned out for the best."
"The next night when I sat on Paul's lap, he was bolder with his flirts; telling me I was very pretty and had a great body, that I looked great in a bikini. And he told me several times it was boring to watch you with Kaitlyn, and that it was unfair Kaitlyn was having you do stuff to get her excited, but I wasn't doing anything to get him excited. He had made me feel so good that I decided to do something to get him excited. I found it a lot of fun to put on a show for him, and I didn't think it was cheating or anything; Kaitlyn was giving you the same show. I was being naughty, but in an exciting way. You know how much I enjoy being naughty."
"I do." I sighed. "And I've enjoyed having a naughty girl. Did you have any idea you were pushing Kaitlyn and me together?"
"None. And I wasn't trying to get Paul interested in me."
But Kaitlyn wanted Paul to be interested in you.
"The next morning, I wound up walking with Paul, and he thanked me for the show. He said jokingly that he should buy me a thank-you present. And he started asking what I'd like. A pretty dress? Some lingerie?" Joanna sighed. "One thing I was envious of, when Kaitlyn was dating Paul, was the money he spent on her. You never spent much money on me. My loser boyfriends spent a lot more money on me than you did. It wasn't a big deal, but it was a sore point. And Paul was suddenly pressing on it."
I subtly coached him on how to woo her. I know her every weakness, and I used them all against her to get her to give up a great guy because I wanted him too.
I said, "My butt's getting sore. How about we stand up for a while?"
"Okay."
As I stood up, I thought about how I really didn't like Kaitlyn's manipulations, even if I liked the end result.
I leaned against the washing machine as Joanna began pacing, looking down as she continued talking. "When Kaitlyn announced she was thinking of breaking up with Paul, I wasn't sur
prised. When she asked for help to teach Paul how to act to try to save their relationship, I couldn't really refuse her - she's helped me through so many bad times. It didn't take a lot of persuasion to get me to agree to kiss Paul while she kissed you. I thought you'd be okay with me kissing Paul if you got to kiss Kaitlyn at the same time. I knew Kaitlyn wanted to kiss you; I suspected you wanted to kiss her; and I thought you'd like to have permission. It took a lot more persuasion to get me to agree to let Paul feel my tits while you were kissing on Kaitlyn's neck..." My suspicions had been right! "...but Kaitlyn swore it was the only incentive that would get Paul to act the way she wanted him to act." I felt a flash of anger at these revelations. Kaitlyn's manipulations were really pissing me off. "When I told Paul the plan to give him some 'lessons', he was all for it."
And why wouldn't he be? Given that he and Kaitlyn were fed up with each other, I could see making out with Joanna would hold a lot more appeal than making out with Kaitlyn.
Joanna continued making the same circuit in front of me over and over. "The next day, Paul and I were on the same jet ski for a long while. The whole time, he asked me about what dresses I liked and what lingerie I liked. He knows a lot about both. And then he'd started saying, 'If you were my girlfriend, I'd buy you this. If you were my girlfriend, I'd buy you that. If you were my girlfriend, I'd take you to this expensive restaurant.' It was like he was telling me what he'd give me if I'd break up with you and become his girlfriend. That night, when you were giving Kaitlyn neck kisses, Paul kept saying 'If you let me feel your tits in front of Brandon, I'll buy you something really nice.'" Joanna sighed. "And I agreed. I didn't feel like I was cheating on you because you got to feel Kaitlyn's tits. And when you kissed Kaitlyn, I let Paul kiss me. I viewed it as us having a great time being crazy naughty. I was so damned excited when we stopped."
I wondered What's the point? Why is she telling me this? I asked, "Why didn't it disgust you to see a brother and sister making out?"
Joanna sighed. "Kaitlyn is my best friend. I love her more than anyone, and there's nothing I won't do for her. I've never judged Kaitlyn, and she's never judged me." Joanna paused for a bit. "So years ago when she started sharing things that indicated the she had a little crush on you, I pushed aside any thoughts of revulsion and focused on how much she trusted me to share those kind of feelings. I teased her about having a crush on her brother instead of moralizing about it. This week when she wanted to make out with you, I shrugged it off and went along. When she said she wanted you as her boyfriend, I tried to talk her out of it because it would be so hard for you two to be a couple. But I didn't judge her, and I swallowed whatever disgust I may have felt. She's the sole reason I dated you, and though I wasn't prepared to date someone as wonderful as you are, it was a great experience for me. You really built me up and showed me how I should be treated by a boyfriend. I want Kaitlyn to be happy just like she wants me to be happy, and I'll fully support anything she does to be happy." I nodded my head, accepting her explanation. "Back to my story - the next day, when Kaitlyn and I went to the store, she brought up switching. She said it jokingly at first, but after a while it was obvious she was serious. We talked about it for a long time. What convinced me to agree was when she said that if I couldn't accept that you were dating me because you wanted to date me, then I should date someone who I felt truly wanted to date me."
Don't blame Joanna for anything that happened. It was all because of me.
Joanna paused and looked a little embarrassed. "I was comfortable with the idea of dating Paul. Kaitlyn clearly didn't ask him to go after me. Even though he's a big nerd, he's a sweet and generous guy who stands by what he says. He's a big step up from the losers I've dated, but not too big. And he wanted me badly, something I never felt from you. And if we lasted until the end of the summer, I'd have lots of nice clothes from the experience."
She never felt I wanted her badly? I...it was pointless to get upset about. I said, "As you said on the boat, loyalty played a factor."
"It did, but the biggest factor was that I felt like you deserved and wanted someone better than me, and that was Kaitlyn. I felt like we would all be better off in the new arrangement. Kaitlyn asked me to think about it and let her know what I wanted to do in the morning. Everything that happened that night reinforced my feelings."
My anger at Kaitlyn's manipulations went up another notch. I thought back to that night. I hadn't understood at the time why Kaitlyn had been so much more aggressive, but I realized she knew the switch was coming and was doing her best to convince me I'd enjoy it. "So you told Paul you wanted to switch, and then you and Kaitlyn had a very interesting way of convincing me to switch."
Joanna blushed before smiling. "That was so incredibly naughty. I had never watched another couple have sex before. When you let Kaitlyn suck you off, I thought everyone would be much happier from then on."
Then it hit me why I alone had such a hard time with the switch. They all thought they were better off after the switch. As much as I thought Kaitlyn was awesome and we'd be happy together, I still wasn't sure how it was going to work. It was a leap of faith I still wasn't fully comfortable with. And to make that leap, I had to leave behind a relationship I had been very happy in.
Joanna said sadly, "But you weren't as excited about making the switch as I had hoped you'd be. On the boat, you told me you cared deeply for me, and I believed you. I began to doubt the wisdom of the switch. I was thinking of asking you what you'd think of calling it off, but then Kaitlyn asked me to switch places with her."
That would have been crazy - trying to have a conversation about who should be with whom in front of our parents. "And you did. And that was when I accepted things were over between us, and I was probably better off with Kaitlyn." I was glad Joanna had had second thoughts about dumping me for Paul, but the memory of Joanna going to Paul after I had told her that I had loved her still hurt. "What's the point of this talk?"
"Let me finish. You know what happened last night. Paul and I went to his bedroom. I knew from Kaitlyn that he was a one-and-done guy, so I was all ready to cuddle and say what a great night it was and how happy I was to be his girl." Joanna's tone got angrier and angrier as she talked. "Then he pulled out his fucking tablet and started playing his stupid fucking game. He told me to go to sleep because he'd be playing for a while. I was furious. I tried to convince him to cuddle and make out, but he was already into his game." Joanna's hands were curled into claws. "This morning, we woke up early and I was ready to get in a little cuddling before we switched rooms. Right after he kissed me, he reached for his fucking tablet again. I realized that dating Paul meant accepting second place to his stupid fucking game."
I almost wanted to laugh. Paul's behavior was totally consistent with how he'd acted the whole week. I guessed when he and Kaitlyn were at college, he had always gone back to his dorm room after they had sex. It was only when he started staying the weekends this summer, and he had done the same thing to her that their relationship had gone downhill.
Joanna continued in a furious tone, "So I put on my nightshirt and went over to our bedroom. And there was Kaitlyn snuggling against you with a big shit-eating grin on her face. She had known what had happened and could tell I was furious. I was pissed but I was in an awful situation - I had committed to being in a relationship for the summer that I suddenly didn't want to be in."
"You wanted to break up with Paul?" That'd be one damn short relationship.
"Let me get to that. I sat on the bed and seethed until it was time to go out to make breakfast. Kaitlyn saw how upset I was, and that was when she told me that I was her best friend, that she wanted me to be happy, and I should think about what would make me happy. I had made a bad choice, and I felt like she'd help me fix things if I made a better choice, but I had to be absolutely sure this time that it was making the right decision."
Joanna had made a bad choice because Kaitlyn had manipulated her into it. I was fed up with Kaitlyn's manipulations. Did
I really want as a girlfriend someone who was so manipulative? Would I ever be able to trust her? Would I always have to be on my guard for her next harebrained scheme? "Joanna, Kaitlyn has manipulated you, me and Paul a tremendous amount. She decided Monday night she wanted me as her boyfriend, and she's pulled all of our strings since then to make it happen."
Joanna laughed. "So? You think I hadn't figured that out already?"
I was stunned by her reaction.
Joanna smiled at my amazement. "Brandon, everyone tries to manipulate. Paul worked hard to convince me to break up with you and become his girlfriend. Until last night, I was trying to convince you to commit to our relationship long-term. You were trying to convince me to stop swapping back and forth even though I was enjoying it so much. Kaitlyn's just better at it than everyone else. And manipulations don't really matter."
I was even more stunned. "What do you mean? Certainly they matter."
"No, they don't. Look, Paul chose to go after me even though I was your girlfriend. I chose to switch boyfriends. You chose to have Kaitlyn as your girlfriend. All of those things were what Kaitlyn wanted. She pushed some buttons, polished some apples, and gently prodded some backsides. But she didn't lie to us; she didn't put a gun to our heads. All of those were our choices. And we decided as we did because what Kaitlyn wanted us to choose was what we wanted the most. Those choices are our responsibility, not Kaitlyn's."
This was not an argument I ever expected to hear. "Joanna, you said a little while ago that the biggest reason you couldn't accept that I cared for you was that you thought Kaitlyn was manipulating me into saying I was going out with because I liked you."
"Yeah, but...Look, I've been best friends with Kaitlyn for six years. I made my peace with her manipulative habits long ago. Even so, there was one area I told Kaitlyn to not manipulate me, and that was on my love life. I didn't want her to try to pair me up with someone, to try to help my relationship with my boyfriend, to try to improve my boyfriend. My love life was mine and mine alone. And what happened?"