We dug for another half hour, until the hole was deep enough to stand up in. The sun was almost gone, and my skin felt like I’d been lying on ice. I’d procrastinated long enough.
“Help me get him, please?” I asked.
“Stay here. I’ll do this part,” he replied.
Craig headed off to retrieve Toby’s body. I knelt beside the grave and tried to keep myself from crying. It was unimaginable how much it hurt. I missed him so badly and burying him, while necessary, was saying goodbye forever.
“God, please give me the strength to finish this,” I prayed.
Staring into the grave we’d dug, I let the tears fall from my eyes. My life, my future played in my head like an aged, decaying film. Growing old, with Toby by my side. Walking into forever, hand in hand. It was a dream that I’d never realize, a promise that would never be kept.
I hurt, but I hurt even more for Grayson. There was so much of his father he’d never get to meet. So many memories stolen, so much happiness wiped from the sky in a blink. He’d only known him as a boy and I wished to God, Toby could’ve been around to watch him grow into a man.
Life was torture, but I’d known beauty, I’d known joy, if even for a little while. I could look back on a lifetime of memories with Toby. But when Grayson would think of his father, all he would know is pain. All he’d feel is the hole that I knew my love could never fill. That was my deepest fear, that his father’s memory would be replaced with despair.
I didn’t know what tomorrow brought, but that day, that day brought the most gut-wrenching pain I’d ever known. Fate had taken my soulmate and I would never be complete again. I would never look into the sunset and see tomorrow, I’d see the eyes of my dead husband.
Craig returned with Toby’s body slung over his shoulder. Wiping my face, I stood up and swallowed my pain. He helped me lower him into the ground then nodded and turned to walk off.
“I’ll give you some space,” he said.
I turned back to Toby and looked down at him with drowning eyes. Saying goodbye to him would be the hardest thing I’d ever do.
“Toby,” I whispered. “This isn’t how we planned it.”
More tears fell from my eyes and I felt a swell of anger flare up inside of me. This was unnatural, it felt wrong.
“It wasn’t supposed to end like this,” I groaned. “You promised me, you promised me you wouldn’t leave me here.”
I took a deep breath and buried my face into my hands. I felt hollow and alone and every quivering breath pulled me deeper into the darkness.
“How am I supposed to do this?”
I fell to my knees and grabbed a handful of dirt. I squeezed my fingers until they cracked, until the soil felt like rocks in my palm.
Leaning my head back, I roared into the sky, my voice breaking with the pain of a splintered heart. I wailed louder and louder, my body trembling in rage and sorrow. I cried out for all the days, all the nights to come, where I could only see Toby in my mind. It wasn’t fair.
I shouted my anger to the heavens. I bellowed my agony until my throat ached and I had no air left inside of me. I cried until I couldn’t cry anymore, until I was completely empty.
Exhausted, I stood up and let the dirt fall from my hands. It landed on top of him just as the sun melted into the horizon. I lifted my head and smiled, not out of happiness, but something else.
Toby was at peace. He had no more battles to fight. But as the sun went down on his life, I knew my fight was just beginning.
I stared at my dirt-covered fingers, the product of my lowest moment. Sniffling, I pulled off my wedding band and set it in my palm. It was a piece of both of us, something that would always remind me of him. A symbol of the love that would never die.
I wanted so much to lay beside him and rest for eternity. But I knew I couldn’t. Grayson needed me, Grayson needed me more than I needed to be with Toby. So, I turned my hand over and let the ring fall into the hole beside him.
I placed my hand on my stomach and felt the life growing inside of it. Toby would live through them, through Grayson and the child that would never know him. They would mark a life that ended too soon. They would be constant reminders of my love and beacons to signal that their father had lived.
“Goodbye my, love,” I whispered.
CHAPTER 21
THE GREAT ICE WALL
When I returned to the tent, Grayson was still sleeping. I wrapped him under another blanket then crawled beside him and closed my eyes. It didn’t take long for me to fall asleep, I was exhausted in more ways than one.
The night felt long. I dreamed more than I ever had before. I dreamed about what was still in front of me. About the mountain that was still left to climb. I dreamed about keeping Grayson safe, and I dreamed about Toby.
He came to me while I slept. Walked right into the tent like he knew I’d be waiting, and I was. I stood up and smiled then lowered my head as my heart throbbed with pain.
“How do I start a new life without you?” I asked him.
I could see him so clearly in my dream, just as real as if he’d been standing next to me. His brown and gray hair was ruffled and messy. His glasses were askew, and a bit of scruff covered his chin.
“Toby, how?” I repeated. “How do I make this work?”
He didn’t answer. He just stared at me with a strange look on his face. I moved toward him and reached out my hand. He mirrored my movement.
“Toby, answer me.”
As my fingers neared his, he suddenly stepped back. I moved closer and he started to fade away, I could see through him, clear to the other side of the tent.
“Toby!” I shouted. “Toby don’t go!”
A tear rolled down his cheek and I ran toward him. I dove out and grasped the air as the image of him vanished like fog in the morning sun.
“Toby! Toby, please don’t go!” I begged.
“MJ!” someone shouted, and it cut through the clutter in my head.
I opened my eyes and swallowed. I was covered in sweat. The blanket was tangled all around me and Cynthia was standing at the entrance to the tent with a blank look on her face.
“Nightmares?” she asked.
I jumped to my feet and spun around the room. “Where’s Grayson!” I snapped in a panic.
“Don’t worry. He woke up early. He’s with Craig, they made a fire.”
I shivered then let out a long yawn. “It’s cold.”
“We’re leaving soon,” Cynthia replied. “When you’re ready, everyone is outside.”
She turned around and left the tent. I stretched my arms into the air then zipped my jacket up and followed after her. As I stepped outside I gasped.
The ground was covered in snow, at least half a foot of it. White powder frosted the forest like a Christmas tree and the air was so clear I had to rub my eyes to make sure I wasn’t still dreaming.
Off to the side of the wreckage, there was a small fire burning. Craig was cooking over it with Grayson at his side. Abraham was sitting behind them with his leg propped up on a tree stump.
“You sleep okay?” Craig asked.
Grayson looked up at me then turned the other way. I made a motion toward him, but stopped and took a deep breath.
“Um…yeah, yeah it was fine.”
Craig smiled. “We should be able to make it to the site in a few hours. We need to move soon though, snow is gonna get worse.”
“Okay, you need me to do anything?”
“Just be ready to move. I’ll have something to eat here in a minute. Grayson helped me catch a few rabbits. Much better than that MRE shit.”
I gave him an odd look and he smiled.
“Abraham ate whatever was left on the plane last night,” he explained.
“Not my fault I’m the only one here with a man’s appetite,” Abraham barked.
I grinned then rubbed my hands together and wondered if I could find gloves in the luggage. After a few moments of awkward silence, I turned and started to walk aw
ay.
“Well, I’m gonna get ready to go,” I said. “Good morning, Grayson.”
He glanced at me then mumbled, “Good morning.”
I counted that as a victory and rather than push my luck, I left him alone. I walked into the plane where Chris and Henry were inside, rummaging through the few bags that hadn’t been lost in the crash.
They were both NCO’s. I’d seen them around with Secretary Garner before, but I wasn’t sure what they did exactly. But back at the hangar they fought their asses off to keep us alive, so as far as I was concerned they were stand up guys.
Chris was a stocky man with short buzzed hair and pale skin. He looked more the local hotdog eating champion than a soldier. His broad shoulders and flat head reminded me of a bulldozer, but when bullets weren’t flying he spent his time reading a poetry book of all things.
Henry on the other hand looked the part of an elite operator. He was a light-skinned black guy that was probably in his early thirties and moved like he was nineteen. He was lean and tall and looked like the type of guy that spent his free time cleaning his rifle.
They both looked up as I walked in and frowned. It was a reaction that was getting more normal.
“We’re um, we’re sorry for your loss,” Chris muttered.
Military guys were never the best with condolences. It wasn’t that they didn’t care, but they processed loss differently than most. When you lost people that you loved on a regular basis you had to find a way to cope or it would ruin you. Most just kept moving, it was better to be busy than to dwell on things you couldn’t change.
I forced a smile on my face. “Thanks,” I replied. “You guys find any gloves?”
“Henry, what did you do with that pair?”
“Over there,” he said and pointed to a bag at Chris’s feet.
Chris opened the bag and pulled out a pair of pink ski gloves. He held them up then offered them to me.
“Sorry, they’re the only ones we found.” Henry said.
“Thanks.”
I headed back to the tent and rolled up all the blankets. By the time I was done, Craig had finished his rabbit soup, which tasted like someone had mixed dirty water and salt in a pot that had been used to make chicken soup a week earlier. I questioned whether it was better than the MRE’s, but I smiled and ate it all.
Afterwards we packed up the bags in silence and headed out. By my guess it was somewhere around nine in the morning and we hoped to make it to the site in Dubois by noon. It was slow going, Chris and Henry had to help Abraham with each step and I spent my time trying to get Grayson to acknowledge my presence. We moved in a long snaking line, cutting a trail of footprints in the snow.
“You want me to carry that for you?” I asked and held my hand out.
Grayson had one of the large rucksacks slung over his shoulder. He didn’t look like he needed help, but I asked him anyway.
“I’ve got it, Mom,” he replied.
I smiled and kept walking beside him. I knew our journey to healing would be a long one, I just wanted to make sure I was there for Grayson the entire time. I wanted him to know that no matter what, I wasn’t leaving him.
The snow seemed to get deeper and deeper with every step. When we first started I could still see the hardened earth beneath it, but now there was nothing, but thick white powder in every direction. It was a beautiful scene, but made walking a tedious effort.
The temperature worried me more than the snow however. We weren’t supposed to be outside hiking, or camping, or even sightseeing. We hadn’t planned for any of this and the jackets we wore were just enough to keep us from freezing for the time being. But the sky was gray and the clouds blocked out the sun, and as the air grew colder I wondered if we were walking to our deaths.
The trek was almost entirely uphill. I zoned out as we trudged through the snow, allowing my mind to wander or simply think about nothing. The changing landscape melted by, in one long, never-ending stream. We slipped through narrow passages and over snow-covered cliffs like we were on a National Geographic expedition. Shallow caves and unearthed trees seemed to be everywhere I looked.
In another instance, it would’ve been a great trip to take. In another instance, I could’ve soaked in the scenery and added to the collection of family memories in my head. In another instance, I could’ve been with Toby.
“I saw Tim back there,” Craig suddenly barked out of nowhere.
I jumped and whirled around, ready to fight. In my daydreaming, I’d walked ahead of the pack and found myself alone up front. Craig had caught up and was now shuffling alone beside me like a silent assassin.
“Tim?” I replied and raised my eyebrows.
“The secretary. Back where…at the other crash site.”
“Oh, yeah. Tim.” I lowered my head and watched as each of my steps sank into the fluffy white.
“What happened?”
I sped up a little bit and swallowed. So much had occurred since then that I hadn’t even thought about Tim or the fact that Cynthia had killed the Defense secretary. What did it matter now anyway? We were all just trying to survive for another day.
“He thought I was dead,” I started. “My finger prints are needed for the launch cycle. He was going to cut off my hand.”
“I should be surprised, but I’m not.”
“I certainly was. If it wasn’t for Cynthia I’d be dead. She shot him.”
“Cynthia?” Craig gasped.
“Yeah, I was shocked too. Doesn’t looked like it affected her at all.” I glanced back to Cynthia. She was laughing and talking with Abraham like this was just a stroll in the park for her. “I expected her to crack from all of this at some point.”
Craig started to laugh.
“What’s so funny?”
“Cynthia,” he said again and chuckled. “She’s probably the most dangerous thing out here. Even scarier than you.”
“What?”
“She used to run ops for the CIA. Was the liaison for Blackwater during that whole thing.”
“I thought she was a doctor,” I replied with a stunned face.
“Yeah, that’s the scary part. Anyway, don’t worry about Tim. If she hadn’t killed him I would’ve.”
“You’re kidding.”
“Nope. He dragged me and my team out here and didn’t even plan on letting us onboard. I overheard him and Bill on the plane.”
“What a piece of shit.”
“He was never a trustworthy guy. Guess he got what he deserved. Guess they both got what they deserved.”
I put my head down and started counting my steps. Craig continued to walk with me, but didn’t say anything else. I think we were all drained and just wanted to be done with it all.
We walked for another hour before stopping to let Abraham rest. No one doubted he was a tough guy, but watching him hobble on one foot up steep mountain passages gave me a whole new respect for him.
We stopped in a small clearing and found a downed tree that we used as a bench. Chris grabbed a couple of dead branches and started a fire to keep us warm. The seven of us sat bundled together, shivering as the snow continued to pile up.
I placed my arm around Grayson and hugged him. He leaned into me and I felt him give in a little bit. I kissed him on the forehead and told him I loved him. He mumbled the words back and squeezed my waist. He was starting to come back to me.
I stared into the fire and thought of Toby, of how much I wanted him with me then. I always felt safer around him even though reality was the other way around. I wondered how long the pain I felt when I thought of him would last. Every time I saw his face in my mind it was like someone was stabbing me in my heart.
“I can’t wait to lay my bones in a real bed,” Abraham announced loudly.
“We’ll get you there old man,” Henry said with a laugh.
“Who you calling old man?” Abraham snapped.
“How much longer do you think?” I turned and asked Craig.
“We can’t
be that far. A mile or two maybe.”
I nodded then looked up as something heavy and wet landed on my head. At the same time, I felt a gust of freezing wind and heard the trees ruffle like crumbing paper.
The flakes of snow had turned to thick globs mixed in with tiny pellets of hail. It was coming down fast and hard and I could hear the fire sizzle as the ice burned in the flames.
“We need to go,” I stood and announced.
Craig was already on his feet and Chris started to kick snow over the fire. Henry grabbed Abraham by the arm and helped him up. We all scrambled to get everything together as quickly as we could and get moving.
In just that amount of time then wind had doubled. Broken branches and debris started to take flight. The cold howled through the trees and our relatively calm day turned into a massive blizzard.
“Where to?” Cynthia screamed over the groaning wind.
Shivering, I tried to think. There was no way we could make it to the site before we were overwhelmed by the snow. As it was, I could hardly see in front of my face.
“The caves!” I suddenly shouted. “The caves we passed on the way up. They’re not that far.”
“Let’s go!” Craig replied.
I grabbed Grayson’s hand and pulled him along with me. Like a herd of buffalo, we tore off back down the mountain in the direction we’d come.
The wet, snow wore on my legs like anchors. It was so thick at times I felt like I was sinking. The wind streaked across my face, blinding me with pebbles of ice and snowballs that felt like cement.
I pushed forward with my face down, taking it on faith that my next step would find solid ground. There was nothing in front of me, but a wall of piercing, opaque frost, like a tattered sheet had been thrown in my face. I could barely see the rest of the group. They were fading silhouettes in a white wash of destruction.
The outlines of trees kept me on what I thought was my path. There was no way to be sure and the longer we walked the more disorientated I became. The storm muffled the sounds all around me, the wind baffling in my ears like angry trumpets.
Deconstruction- The Complete series Box Set Page 49