“So, Kari, this is Noah’s place, huh?”
He knows it is. Like I said, he’s playing a game, one I refuse to be drawn into. “Yes. He trained as a chef in both the US and Scandinavia before opening his first restaurant in Bergen. That one’s being run by his brother now. He opened this one when he moved over to the UK.”
I don’t want to tell him this, I don’t know why I’m suddenly giving him personal information, the less he knows about us the better, but I need Jenna to believe that things are normal. So me telling him about Noah, it would’ve seemed odd if I hadn’t said anything. If I’d ignored Joe’s question, refused to engage in any kind of conversation. Things have to appear okay, even if they’re not.
“It’d be good to catch up with Noah again, at some point.”
“Well, unfortunately, he isn’t actually in tonight. He’s at home, taking a well-earned rest.”
Joe raises an eyebrow, and I notice his expression change slightly. Like he’s disappointed; angry that his plan – whatever it is – has been thrown off-course slightly.
“Is he?” Jenna questions, her brow furrowing in surprise. “When I spoke to him earlier he said he was going to be here, as usual. What’s changed? Has something happened? He’s okay, isn’t he?”
“He’s fine, but he’s exhausted, Jen. He needs a break, and I thought, with me being here tonight, and Jack more than capable of running the pass for one night, this would be the ideal time to grab a few hours off.”
“It was your idea?” she asks.
“Yes. And, surprisingly, he listened to me, for once.”
I glance at Joe, his expression’s still a little strained. He’d wanted Noah to be here tonight, for whatever reason. Tough. He isn’t.
“You’ll have to catch up with him another time,” Jenna continues, smiling at Joe, who smiles back, wiping the frustration from his face for the sake of appearance.
“Yes. I will.” Joe’s gaze shifts back to me, but I keep my expression stoic.
“Anyway, if you’ll excuse me …”
I stand up, and Jenna looks at me. “Where are you going?”
“I just need to check on something. I won’t be long.”
I make my way outside, turn on to the side street that runs adjacent to the restaurant and I lean back against the wall. I take a second to breathe; to think. I let the cool, summer night air wash over me and hope that it helps me make sense of this complicated, chaotic situation, because I’m struggling.
“Running again, huh?”
My eyes snap open, and he’s there, in front of me, tall and imposing and unbelievably arrogant.
“You made sure Noah wasn’t here tonight? Why did you do that?”
“Whatever you came here to do, Joe, it isn’t happening. I don’t know what you want …”
“I want you. I keep telling you that, and still you refuse to believe me.” He drops his head, rubs the back of his neck. And when he raises his gaze his eyes seem different. His arrogance has lessened, but I still don’t trust him. “I just want you, Kari.”
“You can’t have me. What am I, huh? Something you’ve seen, something you’ve tried, something you’d like? You might have all the money in the world, Joe, but I’m not for sale.”
“It isn’t like that, Kari. And that isn’t what’s happening here. I came looking for you because I felt something that night. You felt something …”
“You keep telling me what I felt; what you think I felt, but you’re wrong. I felt nothing.”
“You’re lying.”
I am. But sometimes lies are necessary.
“Leave me alone. Leave us alone. Don’t bring my friends into this, don’t bring my business into this. Please.”
“I can’t do that. I can’t leave you alone. I can’t.”
I shake my head, try to break the stare but I can’t. Won’t. Am I really that weak?
“You don’t need us, do you? Jenna and I, our business. You don’t need us.” I think that’s true, I don’t think he needs us at all. I think he has too much power, too much money; I think he’s using his own company as well as mine as pawns in some game I can’t even begin to understand, and that’s what scares me. He scares me.
“I need you,” he whispers, pressing his palm against my cheek. How did I let him get this close again? How did that happen?
“Why go to all this trouble? Why create some excuse, some reason to bring my business – the people around me – why bring them into your messed-up game?”
“This isn’t a game, Kari. Remember?”
I push his hand away, stare deep into his eyes. “I think it is. And it’s one I don’t want to play.”
I start to walk away but he grabs my hand, his fingers wrapping tightly around mine as he swings me back around to face him; as he pulls me towards him, he’s kissing me before I have a chance to protest. And in a heartbeat, I don’t want to anymore, he’s kissing me, and it’s beautiful.
“You don’t have a choice,” he murmurs.
“There’s always a choice.”
He squeezes my fingers, clenching them tight between his and I take a deep breath. I look into his eyes and I hate what’s happening here. Hate that he’s doing this to me; controlling me. It angers me, I’m stronger than this. But when he’s this close it’s like he saps all the energy from me, leaves me weak and vulnerable, and I don’t know how he does that; why I let it happen, I just know that it does.
“You really think that night changed nothing?” he whispers, our fingers sliding together, and I watch as his hand almost dwarfs mine. “It changed everything, Kari. And it had to happen, did you know that?”
I look at him, I’m confused now. “It …? Sorry, I … I don’t understand …?”
“It had to happen. It had to be that way, and now this – this has to happen, too. Actions have consequences, and I’m not just going to sit back and let you go.”
“You don’t have a choice.”
The corner of his mouth edges up and he smiles slightly. “There’s always a choice, Kari. Remember?”
He lets go of my hand, steps back from me, and for a second I stay rooted to the spot, I can’t move. His stare is forcing me to remain where I am, and now his words are ringing in my head …
It had to happen …
“I just want to be with you again,” he says, taking a step towards me, his hands in his pockets, his eyes never leaving mine. “I want to be with you, that’s all.”
“It was just a fantasy,” I whisper, and I want to look away, I want to run away, but I can’t. I don’t.
“And you made it real. Everything’s changed, Kari, and you might not see it now, you might not feel it now, but you will want me too. In time.”
I shake my head, but there’s a part of me that’s terrified he’s right. Because that same part of me can’t stop thinking about him in ways I’m not proud of. I’m trying to be strong but I’m getting weaker. He’s winning.
“We should get back inside.” He smiles, like that conversation just now never happened. Like he hasn’t just said those things to me. I want to slap him. Hurt him. Kiss him until our mouths bruise, until we need to stop, just for a second, to come up for air. “You go. I’ll follow in a minute or two.”
It’s like I’ve switched to auto-pilot now, my feet are moving but I have no control anymore. Over anything. And as I head back inside I take a long, deep breath, quickly composing myself before I rejoin Jenna.
She looks up, frowning as I sit back down. “You sure you’re okay?”
“I just needed a minute.”
“You’ve been needing a lot of those lately. Ever since you got back from Norway, actually, now I think about it.” She lays the menu down and looks right at me. “Is there something you want to tell me, Kari?”
“Like what?”
Do I sound just a touch flustered there? Or am I just assuming I sound that way because I feel it? And again, I’m instantly sorry for my edgy tone. None of this is Jenna’s fault. It’s
Noah’s, and mine, because I could’ve stopped this from getting this far. Couldn’t I …?
“Jen, I’m sorry. I’m just really tired, maybe I’m coming down with something, I don’t know… Where’s Joe?”
“He had to take a quick call.”
I pick up what’s left of my cocktail and take a sip, my eyes darting nervously towards the door. I know exactly where Joe is. I know exactly where I want him to be …
“We should order soon,” I say, absent-mindedly twisting my wedding ring round and around my finger, my gaze shifting back to the door as I wait for Joe to reappear. I feel like everything’s slowly closing in around me, like I’m suffocating, and I don’t know how to fix this. I don’t. But I have to, somehow. And I wish with every beat of my heart that this wasn’t happening. That me and Noah were all we’d used to be instead of this fucked-up version. I wish we’d never done what we did, never let Joe Millar into our lives; I wish I hadn’t let him kiss me, there’s no excuse, I was just weak.
“Here’s Joe now.”
Jen’s voice cuts through me like a sharp knife to my gut, and my head shoots up, my heart beating out a painful rhythm as I watch him stride back through the restaurant; as I see Noah walk in just after him, and now I feel sick, I’m scared, everything I’d tried to avoid tonight is happening, and once more I’m left reeling with no clue what to do next.
“Looks like Noah couldn’t stay away.” Jenna smiles, nudging me gently.
“He should’ve tried harder,” I murmur, my eyes on my husband as he chats to Billie at the front desk. He hasn’t noticed us yet, hasn’t seen Joe, yet. But I’m not sure I can stop it from happening now.
“Looks like you’re in luck, Joe.” Jenna jerks her head back over his shoulder, towards the front of the restaurant where Noah is still talking to Billie.
He looks confused for a second, and then he turns his head, he sees Noah. And his expression changes, he’s back in control, and there isn’t a thing I can do to change that.
“Great! Maybe he could join us for dinner if he, technically, isn’t supposed to be working tonight?”
“Oh, that’s a brilliant idea!” Jenna grins, and I throw her a look, to which she just shrugs, she doesn’t understand why I’m so against Noah joining us.
“If he’s come back it’s because he wants to work. He won’t want to sit out here.” My eyes lock on Joe’s. “He’s too much of a control freak, that’s his problem. He finds it difficult to let go. Of anything.”
Joe smiles slightly, he knows that was a dig at him and he’s right, it was. But at the same time, I’m silently pleading with him to let this go. To leave it alone.
“Hey!” Noah grins as he approaches our table, and I stand up and go over to him, stopping him just before he reaches it.
“I thought you were taking a few hours off?”
“Yeah, well, sitting around at home, alone, doing nothing, it took all of ten minutes before it drove me crazy. I’m better off here. Just thought I’d come over and say hi before I head back into the kitchen.”
I watch as Joe stands up, his back to Noah, for now, but as he slowly turns around, it’s like everything suddenly slows down, and I desperately try to work out what to do next. How to deal with this.
Noah’s shoulders visibly stiffen, and as Joe’s gaze meets his, a slow smile spreads across Joe’s face, and a feeling of nausea rises up from my belly.
“Good to see you again, Noah.” Joe holds out his hand, and the breath catches in my throat as I wait to see how Noah responds, but he waits just a second or two before he shakes Joe’s hand. He doesn’t want Jenna to know too much either. He’s pretending. Ignoring. Playing along. How the fuck did we get to this? “Great place you have here, by the way. I’m looking forward to trying your food.” Joe tilts his head to one side, just a touch, that smile still fixed on his face as he lets go of Noah’s hand.
“I’m sure you won’t be disappointed,” Noah says, his voice steady. Calm. And then he turns back to face me, and I can’t read his expression. I don’t know what he’s thinking. “Anyway, I should get back to the kitchen. Have a good evening.” He casts one more glance in Joe’s direction before he leaves. And I don’t know how much more of this I can take, how I can continue to get through this evening, pretending nothing’s wrong.
Jenna’s phone ringing makes me jump, I’m that on edge, and I’m aware of her making her apologies as she answers the call, lowering her voice slightly as she talks. I look over at Joe. He seems almost smug, like he knows exactly what’s happening while the rest of us can only look on; wait and see what he’s got planned next, and I’m not comfortable with that.
“Listen, guys, I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to bail out early,” Jenna says, her demeanour bordering on flustered. “There’s a problem at the hotel where the charity Golf dinner’s taking place. Gerry’s sorting it out, but it’d be better if one of us went over there to make sure everything’s okay.”
“Seriously?”
Is she kidding me?
“Seriously.” She turns her attention to Joe. “Joe, I am so sorry, but I’m sure Kari can take care of you. And please, don’t let this put you off, we’re usually way better organised than this. But sometimes emergencies happen.”
“Don’t worry about it. You go do what you have to do, and you’re right, I’m sure Kari can manage to entertain me.”
His eyes lock on mine as he finishes that sentence, and I feel another shiver tear up my spine.
“Okay, well, I’ll call you later, Kari.”
“Yeah. Keep me updated.” I wait until she’s left the restaurant before I look at Joe. “Maybe it’s best we call it a night.”
“I’d rather we didn’t.”
“I’m not comfortable being here, without Jenna.”
“Then let’s go somewhere else.”
“Because you’ve done what you came here to do?”
He raises a questioning eyebrow and takes a sip of his drink. “You really should start trusting me, Kari.”
I don’t respond, and he reaches across the table, his fingertips brushing mine, and when I try to pull my hand away he takes it; stops me from pulling it back. And the fact I want him to touch me both confuses and angers me, I want this all to go away now. I want my life back.
“Leave me alone,” I whisper, finally managing to pull my hand from his, and I’m almost begging him now. Pleading with him to listen to me, to stop whatever it is he’s doing because I don’t understand any of it.
“I’ve told you, I can’t do that, Kari.”
I glance over towards the kitchen, but Noah’s nowhere in sight, and I need to talk to him so badly now. This man here, I don’t know what he’s doing to me, to us, but the one thing I know above anything else right now is that I love my husband. And neither of us deserve this.
“And now Jenna’s gone …”
I look at him, my eyes narrowing as it dawns on me. “You engineered that call?”
“I will do anything I have to to be alone with you, don’t you get that yet?”
“Do you know how much you scare me?”
“There’s nothing to be scared of, I promise you.”
“I don’t believe anything you say, so your promises mean nothing.”
I glance back over at the kitchen and this time Noah’s there, and when his eyes meet mine I feel my heart break into a million pieces.
“Look, maybe you’re right. Maybe tonight isn’t the right time … if you want me to leave you alone …”
He trails off, and I look at him. “I do.”
He holds his hands up in surrender and pushes back his chair. “Then I’ll respect your wishes. I’ll settle the check at the bar. Have a good evening.”
Do I believe him? Do I really think he’s going to leave me alone, just like that? No. I don’t. But for tonight, he’s gone. I have some breathing space.
I watch him walk away, wait until he’s left before I pick up my bag, slip on my coat and make to leave mysel
f. I don’t even stop to say goodbye to Noah, I can’t face his questions just yet, here isn’t the place to have that conversation. It can wait. And despite the heels I’m wearing I choose to walk the short distance home, winding my way through the crowds of people out on the streets, enjoying a Friday night out, their happy chatter filling my ears, reminding me of the evenings Noah and I used to spend here, in the small handful of pubs and bars that surround the village square. And now this pretty little seaside town feels almost sinister, since Joe Millar made his appearance.
Joe Millar …
Once home, I head straight for the kitchen; for the bottle of gin I keep on the dresser, and I pour out a large measure. But I’ve barely had time to swallow it down before I hear a key in the lock, hear the front door open, and I take another long, deep breath. Noah’s followed me home, and I steel myself for the inevitable conversation that’s about to take place.
“Kari?”
I lean back against the counter, dropping my head and sighing quietly.
“What the fuck’s going on?” Noah throws his keys down onto the table, and I look up, his eyes boring into mine.
“I don’t know,” I whisper, because I don’t, not really.
“You don’t know?” He narrows his eyes as he moves a little closer to me. “He’s your new client?”
“I didn’t know what to do, it threw me, seeing him. He just turned up, at the club last night, he was talking to Jen … by the time I got to them they’d practically sealed the deal already. What was I supposed to do, Noah? What was I supposed to tell Jenna?”
“Anything, I don’t care, but you get him out of our lives. I don’t want him here.”
“And you think I do?”
I think I do. And that’s what scares me. I veer from wanting him gone, from hating him to needing him, and I don’t understand any of it.
“Do you know why he’s here, Noah?”
He shakes his head. “No, I don’t.”
I believe him, I think. “What did we do?” I whisper.
“We did nothing wrong, Kari. That night …” He shakes his head again, briefly shifting his gaze away from mine, his hand once more rubbing the back of his neck. “We need him to go.”
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