“Kari … hi. This – yeah. This is a surprise. I thought you were back in the UK?”
“I was. For a while. I’ve just come back from there, actually.”
He frowns slightly. “Come back? You’re not living over there?”
“No. No, I’m not.”
“Are you and Noah …? You’re living here now?”
“We got divorced, Joe. Noah and me, we’re not together anymore.”
It feels surreal, standing here, telling him this, when I never thought I’d see him again.
Never?
That’s why I’m living in a place he calls home, too. Sometimes …
“Oh, Jesus, Kari, I’m sorry.”
Is he? Really? It’s hard to tell whether he’s being genuine or not, he’s still extremely good at hiding his true feelings.
“It’s okay. Honestly, it’s fine, we just – we knew it couldn’t work after ….”
I leave that sentence hanging, because he knows why it couldn’t work. He knows, because he had a part in it.
“I really am sorry, Kari. This wasn’t how it was supposed to play out.”
It’s my turn to frown. Even after everything that’s happened, he’s still saying things I don’t understand. But I leave it alone, it doesn’t matter anyway, not anymore.
Doesn’t it?
Fate, remember …?
“So, you – you’re living here now? In Stavanger?”
I nod, finally breaking the stare, raising my eyes to the sky. The snow is falling faster, but it’s still light, and it doesn’t seem to be lying.
“Permanently?”
I look at him, tilting my head to one side, just a little. “Nothing’s permanent, Joe.”
He doesn’t respond to that, and I don’t elaborate, which leaves a heavy silence hanging there between us.
“Are you going somewhere nice?” I ask, indicating his suitcase.
“California. Los Angeles, to be exact.”
“Business trip?”
Turning the conversation casual, I’m proud of myself, I’m handling this okay.
“No … well, sort of. I’m relocating over there. I need to be in the US to oversee the West Coast division, we’ve got new offices opening over there, in Century City … It really is good to see you, Kari.”
Our eyes meet again, and again I feel that rush; that insane attraction, it’s still there, it’s obvious, I can almost see it fizzing between us.
“It’s good to see you, too.”
The man who helped end my marriage.
The man who broke my world.
“I’d better get going.” I end whatever that moment was and take another look up at the now dark, grey sky. “I want to get home before this snow really starts to come down. And you don’t want to miss your flight.”
“No. I don’t.”
“Take care, Joe. And, good luck. I hope everything goes well for you over there.”
“You take care, too. Okay?”
“Yeah. Okay.” I finally turn around, start heading towards the car park, I did it. I walked away a second time, I’m so much stronger than I think I am. And I need to be strong, now, more than ever.
“Kari?”
His voice causes me to stop dead in my tracks, but I don’t turn around. I don’t look at him. I can’t.
“Are you back in the old town?”
I don’t reply, I say nothing, I just continue walking.
Joe Millar is my past.
And that’s where he’s staying.
*
I’ve missed her. I think she’s missed me, too. Changing her number, it sent a message, but in this age of social media it isn’t too difficult to find out snippets of information. If you want to look for them. And I didn’t, for a time. I tried forgetting instead, tried not thinking about her, but I’m not always as strong as I think I am. I achieved what I wanted, what I set out to do, I got the end result I needed, and yet, that didn’t make me feel like I thought it would. Because I don’t have her.
Work. Parties. Sex. All distractions, but ones incapable of blocking out everything. She was always there, invading my thoughts, gatecrashing my dreams, but, deep down, I knew she’d come back. I just had to be patient. And that patience paid off, she’s here. She’s back. I got under her skin, remember? That’s why she came back here. Whatever she might’ve told herself; whatever reasons she’s chosen to believe for returning to Norway; for setting up a new life, in Norway, she came back here because she knew it’s where I was based. Until now. Now I’m leaving, and I can’t change those plans. Fate fucked up, somewhere.
She came back.
Too late …
*
Living alone is something I have never done. After college Jenna and I shared a flat on the outskirts of Newcastle, and when she left to move in with Leo, our friend Howie took her place, and that’s how it stayed until Howie set up home with his fiancé Ted, by which time Noah and I were pretty much loved up and ready to move in together. Living alone is new to me, but I’m getting used to it. I don’t always like it, the silence can sometimes be quite jarring, even when the TV’s on or there’s music playing. I miss coming home to someone, having another person to talk to, so I go out more than I ever used to. I meet friends for drinks, eat out at local restaurants, have people round even when I don’t feel like company just so the house can feel like there’s some life in it. But tonight – tonight I’m tired. Tonight, I’m actually glad I’m alone.
I’ve already unpacked, taken a quick shower, made an even quicker dinner of fish and salad and now all I’m looking forward to is bed. Sleep. Even though I know the second I close my eyes, I’m going to see him. I know, because he’s all I see; all I’ve seen since the moment I walked away from him, it’s just that today – seeing him for real, it threw me slightly. So the dreams will be more vivid tonight. My sleep a little more interrupted. He was never a faint memory, but now he’s burning stronger because I’ve looked into his eyes and remembered, everything … no. I never forgot. I can’t forget. Not now.
Wrapping my hands around the mug of hot chocolate I’ve just made myself, I walk over to the window and look outside. The light dusting of snow only serves to make this picturesque little street all the more beautiful. Christmas lights shine out from front windows; from the decorated trees and pots outside, giving an almost fairytale feel to the place, and for a moment or two I let my mind go blank, I just look outside and take it all in. It’s so pretty – picture-postcard pretty, and I love it here. Maybe it’s my forever place. My happy-ever-after place … or maybe it won’t be. Happy-ever-afters aren’t my thing anymore. Fairytales don’t exist.
The spell broken, I turn away from the window and look out over my small but cosy living room. There’s a Christmas tree in the corner, nothing huge, but big enough for the size of the room, decorated with warm-white lights and twinkling stars, it adds to the cosy feel. Nothing elaborate. I’ve kind of gone for Scandinavian minimalism, but I like it. It’s enough.
I’m contemplating adding a garland to the fireplace when the doorbell rings, jolting me from my thoughts and almost causing me to drop my mug. I’m not expecting anyone, although, people did know I was coming back today. Maybe they thought I’d forget to buy food on the way home and they’ve arrived with supplies, and I glance outside to see who it is.
Placing the mug on the window-sill I pull down the blinds, hesitating for a second before I answer the door. Before he steps inside, kicks the door shut behind him, and I back up against the wall, pulling my robe tighter around me.
“Shouldn’t you be on a plane by now?” I ask, my eyes fixed on his, but I don’t want him to come any closer. I want him to stay back.
“I’ve changed my flight.”
“When are you leaving now?”
“That all depends. A few days, maybe less.”
I drop my gaze, my fingers clutching my robe. “I didn’t tell you where I was living. How did you know where to find me?”
�
�This is where you lived before, so, call it a lucky guess on my part. And you know, Kari, that if I want to find you, I will.”
That once-familiar shiver runs up my spine, his words still have the ability to chill me. That’s why I had to walk away from him, but now he’s back, and I really don’t know what to do. So much has changed. Things are so very, very different now.
“Okay, you found me. What do you want, Joe?”
He takes a step forward, but I shake my head, hold up a hand to stop him from coming any closer, I wish he hadn’t come here. I was doing so well, learning to love my new life, I could handle it, this new future that’s been thrust on me. I was doing all right. But now he’s here, and I need him to go.
“You know what I want, Kari. Seeing you, at the airport, that wasn’t a coincidence. That was fate.”
“Please, Joe, don’t do this. Don’t talk about fate, don’t say we were meant to be together, I was meant to be with Noah. He was my happy-ever-after. He was my chance. But that’s all gone now.”
“That wasn’t your fault, Kari. It was his.”
“We all played a part. All of us. No one was without blame.”
“And now we’re all moving on, right?”
I stare up at him, and I will myself to stay strong. “Yes, we are. We have to.”
He takes another step towards me and I reach out, press a hand against his chest to stop him coming any closer. But it’s too late.
He drops his gaze, and I try to stop him from untying the belt on my robe but he’s quicker than me, and the second it falls open …
He raises his head, his eyes locking on mine, I hadn’t planned for this. It wasn’t supposed to happen, I was never supposed to see him again.
And I really believed that?
“Is it mine?” he whispers.
I look down, at my hand cradling my bump, and I take a deep breath. I look back up at him. “She’s yours. Yes.”
“She …? Jesus … How – how many months?”
“Six.”
I’m carrying quite low, and my bump is fairly small for a little over six months, so I’ve been told, but it’s still obvious I’m heading towards the later stages of pregnancy. It was just easy to hide it from him with the heavy coat I was wearing at the airport, and the oversized robe I have on now. But I can’t hide it anymore. The game’s changed, again, the rules I’d put in place have been torn up and tossed aside, because he knows, now. He knows.
“Were you ever going to tell me?”
I stare deep into the eyes of a man who changed everything. A man who took my world and ripped it apart, he changed it, forever. He changed me. Forever.
“I don’t know.”
And that’s the truth. I didn’t know if I was going to tell him, didn’t know if I wanted to. Jenna told me I should, that he deserved to know, and coming from her – that took a lot, for her to say that. To suggest that I involve Joe Millar, bring him back into my life. I was the one putting up barriers, the one who didn’t know if I could do it. I didn’t want him back in my life, in any way.
I lied.
I never stopped wanting him.
I lied …
He drops his head, rubs the back of his neck, he’s completely floored by this. For once he’s been wrong-footed, and I’m not sure he knows how to handle it.
“You’re carrying my baby, my – our daughter – and you were going to keep that from me?”
When he raises his gaze, his eyes are a little darker, he’s angry. Frustrated. Because he’s suddenly in a situation he doesn’t know how to control?
Welcome to my world.
“You never struck me as a family man.”
“You don’t know what kind of man I am, and you should’ve told me.”
“You think it was easy? Finding out I was pregnant, in the middle of a divorce? Pregnant, with a baby that wasn’t my husband’s?”
“Did you tell him? Noah?”
I briefly look away, because just hearing him mention Noah’s name …
“No. He still doesn’t know, not yet. But he’ll find out, eventually.” My eyes lock back on Joe’s. “I’m still close to Jenna. She’s still close to Noah. I can’t keep it a secret forever.”
“Can’t you?” He raises an eyebrow, he’s still angry. Does he have a right to be? Maybe. “You were having a damn good go at keeping it a secret from me.”
“You weren’t there, Joe.”
“Only because you wouldn’t let me be! You think I wanted to walk away from you, from us? No, Kari, I didn’t. You know I didn’t, that was all on you.”
“I had no choice.”
“There’s always a fucking choice. Always.” He turns away, rakes a hand back and forth through his hair as he paces the hallway. “You should’ve told me. I would’ve dropped everything, I would’ve been there …”
“And that’s exactly why I didn’t tell you. I didn’t know if I wanted you there.”
“That wasn’t entirely your decision to make! Whether you wanted me there or not is irrelevant, she is my child. She needs me.”
“We don’t need you, Joe.”
Don’t we?
He stops pacing and turns to look at me. “I love you, Kari. Okay? And you can stand there and choose to dismiss that, again and again, you can do that a thousand times, it won’t change the fact that it’s true. I love you. And everything we did … everything that happened, I am sorry for the way it turned out, the hurt you had to go through, but this …” He shakes his head, drops his gaze, and I wrap my robe back around myself. “I’m not sorry for this. We made mistakes, yes, but out of that has come her. And she can never be a mistake.”
We don’t look at each other, I keep my head down, and the silence hangs heavy in the air, almost as if we’re waiting to see which one of us is going to make the next move.
“Come with me, Kari.”
We both look up, our eyes meeting, and I frown.
“Come to L.A. with me. That’s what I came here to do, to ask you to come with me, and now – now I need you to do that more than ever.”
His words floor me, I wasn’t expecting this. I wasn’t expecting to see him again, to have him put himself front and centre of my life once more, but he has. In a way I could never have anticipated, but – I didn’t think he was going to be a part of my life anymore? I’m carrying his baby. There’s a huge part of him growing inside me, Jesus, even now I’m refusing to acknowledge the inevitable.
I didn’t think I’d see him again?
Really?
I moved back, to a place I knew he still might be.
So, I didn’t think I’d see him again …?
“This – us – we’ve happened for a reason, Kari. This baby … don’t you see? She happened, for a reason.”
I turn around and head towards the kitchen, I just need a second. But I know he isn’t going to go away now. Not now. He’s going to be a part of my life forever, and that sudden realisation feels like another gut punch. He’s going to be a part of my life, forever …
And I’m okay with that?
I’m okay with that …
“I didn’t know where you were, not this time, Kari. I didn’t try to seek you out or hunt you down, there was no stalking you this time, I promise. I tried to forget you, I left you alone, tried to put us behind me, but now this …”
I look at him as I back up against the wall because I’m feeling just a touch light-headed.
“When we saw each other, at the airport, that was fate. I’d already let you go … I’d let you go. But I can’t do that now.”
“You really believe in fate that much, huh?”
“I do. Now. In the back of my mind, I think I always knew you’d come back, I hoped you’d come back, but your timing … it was almost too late. We could’ve missed each other.”
“But we didn’t.”
“No. We didn’t.”
I drop my gaze; stare down at the dark wooden floorboards. “I’m scared, Joe.”
I
wasn’t before, I was fine. I was handling everything, but now – now I’m scared. And I didn’t want to tell him that, I wanted him to think I was so fucking okay without him, but I get tired of trying to stay strong sometimes.
He comes closer, loosens my robe again, placing his hand lightly on my bump and I close my eyes as his palm presses gently against me.
“You have nothing to be scared of,” he whispers, his forehead resting against mine, and I keep my eyes closed. I breathe him in, I remember, everything. I feel his fingers curl around mine, squeezing them gently, and I open my eyes and look up at him. This man, so tall and handsome, a man I still don’t understand. I veer from fearing him to needing him, but loving him? I don’t know if I can love anyone, after Noah. I gave him everything, I loved him to the end of the world and he betrayed me. Made me betray him. And still I loved him, so much. Too much. I don’t know if I have anything left to give, and what I do have left, that’s for my baby. My little girl. Joe’s little girl.
“Come with me, Kari. Step away from the memories, leave the ghosts behind.”
I don’t know what we are. I don’t know enough about this man to move so far away with him. We still barely know each other. We have sex, we’ve never talked; we fuck and we fight, and we can’t leave each other alone, that’s obvious. But that’s the problem. We can’t leave each other alone.
“Take a chance on me,” he murmurs, cupping my cheek, his eyes staring deep into mine, so deep I physically shiver. “Let’s take a leap of faith, together, huh? Just the three of us. You, me and our baby girl, against the world.”
I can’t help smiling, even though I’m confused. Lost. Is he really here? Back to break my world all over again?
Only if I let him.
He kisses me, and I hold onto him, and I still don’t know if this is real or just another dream, because I’ve had so many of those. And they all end like this, with him back in my life, promising me a happy-ever-after I know doesn’t really exist, but we can try, can’t we? To make the best of something we’ve yet to get our heads around. We can try …
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