by J. P. Oliver
I turned my head quickly, watching out the window as we silently pulled away.
I wasn’t in the mood to argue anymore because Gavin was right and I hated that. I felt shocked and shamed and stupid, and it was all on my shoulders because I’d been warned about this, and yet I still had the nerve to think I could change it.
The day dragged after that.
I avoided Ryder studiously, glad to throw myself into whatever work I could find. Normally, on days like these—those glorious Fridays when I knew he’d be coming over to my place after work—I’d be unable to focus on anything because all I could think about was having his hands on me as soon as possible.
This time, I just felt sick. Like I’d gotten socked in the stomach and sent on my merry way.
When I ran into him again, it was on accident. I was grabbing water while he was rounding out of the bathroom. We held each other’s gaze until I broke it, finishing off my plastic cup and tossing it into the trash.
Maybe he would apologize. Maybe he’d try to start something.
I didn’t want to wait to see which it would be.
“I don’t think you should come over tonight,” I said, not bothering to look him in the eye, though I could feel his on my back as I walked away, collected my things, and clocked out, never so happy to be away from Harlan PD.
13
Ryder
I wanted to scream.
I’d just like to state for the record that I fucking knew this would happen. I knew and I did absolutely nothing to stop it! I could have put a stop to it when I walked in and saw Ace had made dinner for us, but I didn’t. I could have put a stop to it when I noticed he started looking at me different, softer like he’d definitely caught feelings, but I didn’t. I could have put a stop to it when he asked me to kiss him, but I didn’t.
There’s a reason Julia Roberts doesn’t kiss people in Pretty Woman. She knew what the fuck was up with that detached sex stuff; always listen to Julia Roberts.
I could have ended it, but the truth is that I just didn’t want to. I was enjoying my time with Ace, maybe a little too much to let go, and perhaps that was selfish of me, but I liked being the one to show him things. I liked exploring things with Ace, and there was a part of me that felt guilty and hurt to know that as much as I liked it, I just…couldn’t do relationships.
I’d been there once before, and in the end it nearly destroyed me.
I wasn’t going to go through that sort of heartache ever again.
But there were things I couldn’t just…ignore.
I was feeling something for Ace—call it affection or endearment or whatever, but it was more than I had felt for the other men I’d hooked up with in the past.
Which, if we’re all being completely honest here, wasn’t as many as most people thought. My nickname was Playboy, yeah, but it wasn’t as grand a thing as even my friends had thought. I was open about sex and flirtatious but that didn’t mean my little black book was as thick as the Harlan Yellow Pages.
The few casual hookups I’d had throughout the years didn’t make me feel anything other than an orgasm. And I hadn’t called up any of them since I’d started fooling around with Ace, which was…a realization that hit me like a ton of bricks.
The real sign that something was happening had been with that fucking guy we interviewed. I’d known that cute twink was flirting, and I felt irritated because the fact that he was flirting annoyed me. Like my brain was thinking: how dare he try to make a pass at me in front of Ace.
What the fuck, brain!?
I’d never want to hurt Ace, but I couldn’t stand it if Ace hurt me either.
So I said what I said about fucking that twink, hoping it would put us back on even ground, and honestly, I expected a little bit of backlash. Guilt or arguing, maybe. I never expected the look of hurt on Ace’s beautiful face to gut me so thoroughly.
After he told me to forget coming over that Friday, well, things hadn’t been the same. Damn, they were awkward again, like we didn’t know how to talk to each other but it was worse than before. Every time he ignored me or avoided me, every stretch of silence between us ate at me from the inside.
I knew I needed to fix this.
I just needed to talk to someone before I did.
When I let myself into my mom’s house in the southern side of Harlan, I was immediately calmed.
Her home had always had this sort of effect on me. Seeing all of her crystals and trinkets and blankets, every piece of wicker furniture and shag carpet exuded this essence of Noreen Mueller. Lingering in the foyer, I just…breathed. I forgot how nice it was to be home. I could even practically hear her voice—
Wait, no, that actually was her voice.
“Hope I’m not being robbed…”
As she came into the living room, she smiled at me, waving and dipping her bundle of sage, a pungent cloud trailing along behind her.
“Hi, mom.”
“Hey, hon. Felt you coming, thought I’d tidy up the place.”
Toeing off my shoes, I plopped down onto one of her couches. “You felt me coming?”
“Hon, I could feel those bad vibes of yours halfway across Harlan.”
I huffed, an almost laugh that was mostly breath, running a hand through my hair as I watched her, moving around the room, cleansing like she’d been doing since I was little enough to walk. Most people around town thought she was a quack, but I knew all the crazy things she felt were true. She was never wrong.
I frowned a little.
She’d warned me about Kyle, but I hadn’t listened the first time.
Which is why I was coming to her now about Ace.
“Hon, finish this up for me?” she asked, holding out the sage for me. I took it gingerly and started moving around the room. “I had some tea brewing for you, too. Figured this was gonna be a big one judging by that storm cloud hanging over you.”
“Okay, mom,” I sighed, teasing a little.
We shot each other a look as she moved into the kitchen.
God, she was great.
When she came back with two mugs of tea, we set the sage aside and sat at the coffee table. It looked like she was gonna give me the space to start in on whatever was bothering me, but as I opened my mouth to speak, she said, “Y’know, hon, Ace isn’t Kyle.”
I was speechless. Whoever thought she wasn’t psychic was fucking insane. Honestly, I shouldn’t have even been surprised that she’d already known what I was here for.
“I saw something,” she continued, eyes flicking up from where she was steeping her tea with a knowing look on her face, “when I looked at his palm. The lines spoke to me. There was something familiar there, and I felt it in his aura, as well. Do you know what it was?”
I bit my lip. Despite a hunch, I shook my head.
“You, hon.”
I stopped blowing on my tea. “Oh.”
“He’s threaded into your own life, Ryder. Clear as day. He’s a person who needs someone like you.” She took an appreciative sip of tea. “Just like he’s someone you need in your life.”
“I…” I paused, a sheepish smile passing over my face. “I don’t know what to do, mom.”
I was drawn to Ace—I liked Ace—but there was so much of me screaming that it wouldn’t end well. That it would be what I’d had with Kyle all over again; a good thing that could only last so long before heartbreak took over.
“Hon. Look at me.”
When I did, her smile was gentle and patient. Like she already knew what was coming and what would pass; like she knew that no matter what, I’d be all right.
“It’s time to stop letting the past keep you from finding your forever.”
I grimaced through my smile. “Forever.”
“Forever’s not as scary as you think it is.” She winked. “Promise.”
I laughed. “I’m not so sure about that….”
“Don’t be.” She set her mug down and made a grabby motion at me.
I slipped my h
and into hers and she held mine with reverence.
“Loving someone for just one encounter isn’t enough to fully feed your soul or heart, Ryder. You’ve got too big and good a heart to keep to yourself. You’ll have to share it someday—with someone who cherishes and understands you. Who knows what it means to handle such a special heart with care.”
I blew out a breath. “Yeah.”
Her brow raised. “That’s all I get for imparting my wisdom? Yeah?”
I tossed my head back in laughter as she let go of my hands. “Not what I meant—”
“Mm-hm.” She picked up her tea. “Glad to know I’m appreciated around here.”
The visit was a short one, and that night, I went home with a belly full of tea smelling like sage and the home I grew up in. Collapsing into bed, I had…too much to think about. The weekend was stretching out ahead of me, which gave me all the time in the world to think and rethink and sort—I’d never been the kind of guy to ponder things. Overthinking was never my style, but this time…
All I could do was think.
Monday morning, I woke up expecting to feel the same sort of indecisiveness as I had all weekend, but when my eyes opened, it was from a dream that someone had been in bed next to me all night. A warm body with gray eyes and tan skin.
I didn’t feel unsure. The body was there for me to put an arm around. To pull closer to my body.
I’d made a decision somewhere in my sleep.
That morning, I’d take a chance at loving Ace.
14
Ace
This was hands-down my worst weekend in Harlan.
I’d been miserable the second I went home and felt just how empty and alone I was in the apartment. I needed someone to talk to, too, and there was only person who wasn’t part of Harlan that I knew could understand me.
Fresh from a too-long and too-thoughtful shower, I whipped out my phone.
The dial tone rang.
I gnawed on my lip, waiting, waiting, waiting….
“Hello?”
Shit.
I cleared my throat. “Hey, uh…is Jay there?”
Jay was my cousin, and the number I had saved for him was the last one I’d been aware of him having, but, knowing him, it was possible for him to have already picked up a different one—
“Jay?” The man paused a moment before grumbling. “Wait, yeah. Hold on just a sec, dude.”
I did just that while he shuffled through some things on the other end.
“Word. Here. I’ve got a number for him.”
“Oh—okay, great—”
“You got a pen?”
I scrambled towards my coffee table, scribbling as he relayed a number to me. As soon as I thanked him and hung up, I was calling this next number, hoping this wouldn’t be a long and wandering trail of numbers to follow, but—
“Denver County Men’s Shelter, this is Nate speaking?”
My heart dropped into my stomach because what the fuck?
“H-hello, uh, yeah.” I shook my head, rubbing at my forehead. “I’m looking for a specific individual, um, Jay Pittman. I was given this number, and—”
“Hold on just a second.”
I sighed as I was put on hold, the stretch of silence eternal. What the fuck? A men’s shelter? What was the likelihood that he was actually there still? How recent was this number and why was this the contact information some random guy had? Anxiety was eating a new hole in my stomach, and this time none of it had to do with Ryder.
The phone clicked again.
I heard breathing and then, “Hello?”
“Jay, oh my God.” I nearly collapsed in relief. “What the hell, are you all right?”
There was a pause. “Ace?”
“Yes, yeah, it’s me—”
“Oh my god.” Jay’s laugh was quiet and almost…bashful. “I haven’t talked to you in so long, Ace, I—”
“You’re at a men’s shelter?” I interrupted. It was maybe cutting, but it wasn’t a detail I could just gloss over and forget about.
Jay was silent a long moment. “Yeah, um…some stuff has happened since we last talked.”
“Well…” I looked around the empty apartment, suddenly willing to do anything to have him here instead of wherever he was. “You can talk to me, Jay.”
It took little coaxing to find out the full story. I’d been so wrapped up in moving to Harlan and my own shit that I’d forgotten to check in on Jay this past month and a half. In the time since we’d last spoken (which was quite some time, now that I was thinking about it) Jay had been living on the street. My stomach was sick with the quiet way he confessed that his parents had thrown him out without a single thought the minute he had come out to them.
My blood was boiling. I’d never even come out to my own family—I’d been too afraid of what they’d think and how they would treat me, but Jay was braver. Part of him must have believed that it would have worked out, and my aunt and uncle did him a cruel favor in proving him wrong.
“I ran across a cop who’d planned on arresting me, but…”
“But?”
“Instead he offered to help get me a job at the shelter. And helped me get set up with a studio apartment nearby, so…” Jay cleared his throat. “That’s been…good.”
Part of me was absolutely relieved to know he was at least on his feet, but there was a bigger part of me that wanted to help, to do more and—
It hit me instantly.
Harlan. It had been a brilliant place for me to come, the new start I needed with the space to exist I’d been aching my whole life for. I was coming to terms with being gay—the idea of it no longer sent me into an existential panic, that’s for sure. Even if things didn’t work out with Ryder (which still hurt to think about, to be honest), I was at least comfortable with the person I was becoming, and that counted for something.
If the magic of Harlan could do all that for a mess like me, maybe it could heal Jay, too.
“Come live with me,” I said.
Jay hummed on the other end. It took a minute for the words to process.
“Wait…wait, what?”
“Come live with me,” I repeated, grinning. “Here in Harlan.”
The minute I walked into work the following Monday morning, I knew something was wrong.
It was as acrid as smoke in the precinct; everyone seemed on edge and just off. I lingered near my desk, preparing to ask just what the hell was going on with everyone, but before I could get a word in, the captain’s office door burst open. The sound of it hitting the wall was loud and sudden enough to make me and several others jump.
But that wasn’t the scariest part.
Ryder was storming out of the office, face and eyes red, cheeks streaked with obvious tears. My stomach twisted instantly at the sight, feet carrying me over to him before I could give it a second thought. Ryder saw me a moment later, a hand held out to me in the next.
My arms came around him as he let himself fold against me, neither of us stopping to think that we shouldn’t be touching like this, that there was too much feeling for this to be okay. Right now it just didn’t matter. Something was wrong, Ryder was hurting, and I needed to be there for him.
Ryder trembled in my arms, and seeing the typically bubbly and happy man so broken was enough to make me sick with anxiety.
When I glanced over Ryder’s shoulder at the office, Eli was filing out as well, looking murderous. I almost shivered; his wrath wasn’t the kind I’d like to find myself on the other end of anytime soon.
Finally finding my voice, I asked: “What’s going on?”
Ryder’s head lifted off my shoulder. Gingerly, I wiped my thumb over the peak of his cheek, taking the tears there with me. He let out a shuddering breath.
“There was, um…” He cleared his throat. “There was apparently another string of break-ins this weekend. Down in my mom’s neighborhood, and…”
No.
“Is she okay?”
He made an indiff
erent motion. “I don’t know, I mean—they broke into her place. They fucking…they fucking pistol-whipped her, Ace. Until she was unconscious. A neighbor didn’t find her until this morning—they thought something was wrong because she didn’t come out to water her stupid plants and—she was just there by herself, and I wasn’t—I wasn’t there—”
“Hey, hey.” I brought him into another hug without thinking.
It was like we were the only ones in the room.
“I’m on my way to the hospital,” Ryder said.
“I can come with you.”
Ryder shook his head before drawing out of the hug. “I need you to stay behind here with Eli.” He sniffled a little. “So you two can catch the bastard who did this and put him behind bars.”
“Whatever you need,” I said without thinking. We were eye-to-eye and I meant every word. “I’ll help however you need me.”
There was a flash of something, so quick and small I nearly missed it, in Ryder’s watery eyes—the only warning before he took my face in his large, warm hands and kissed me full on the lips. It wasn’t sexual or overindulgent; it was simple and it poured out an affection I’d never felt from another person before.
Melting away from the pliant kiss, I touched my own mouth, only remembering we were in front of the entire Harlan police force when I heard a few claps and a wolf whistle or two.
I glanced at them out of the corner of my eye, feeling my insides turning to jelly...
“Thanks, baby,” Ryder murmured.
Baby. My heart skyrocketed out of my chest.
He gave me one more small kiss before heading for the door.
I looked to Eli, whose typically stern and arched brows were softened, along with the rest of his face, relaxed and almost smiling.
How would I get any work done at this rate?
15