by LC Lehesaho
The chaos in my mind makes me sick and tired, and I fucking know that I should grow a backbone and stop this, but I don't have it in me. I'm just as weak as I've always been. My mind controls me, not the other way around, and it makes me spineless. I'm not strong like my siblings, who can handle their shit. My dreams about having a normal life prove it; I'm too soft to say no even to myself.
Dad is never weak. He didn't raise us to be soft. Everyone else is like him; they are strong like him. I'm not.
Why can't I be like them?
Just by biting my cheek, I keep myself from trembling. Like sensing my internal mayhem Tiger moves his hand from my neck to the back of my head, and his touch turns to a soft caress. His velvety lips are a delicate solace on my skin, completely different than a moment ago. He has always known how to balance me. He never goes too far; neither has he ever left me cold.
Tiger is a hurricane and the calm after the storm all at once.
The bed shifts above my head and his lips disappear from my skin. When I open my eyes, I see him looking down at me—another hand above my head and another still on the nape of my neck. The different shades of brown linger in his irises, darkening toward the edges. And like always, there's a glint of unpredictability in them. It is, in some sick way, comforting.
To know that he has demons, just like I do.
"I can't," he says in a scratchy voice that sinks straight to my abdomen.
"Can't what?" I'm out, I have no idea what he means. I don't even remember what we talked about earlier. Did we talk?
Tiger rolls his thumb gently on my jawline. "I can't stop. I can't stay away from you." He furrows his brows and lets out a heavy sigh. "I tried. I really fucking tried, Cobra."
My chest aches because nothing good can come out of this. I open my mouth to tell him just that, but Tiger stops me.
"Don't even try. You did this." His tone is almost threatening, and it takes me by surprise. My breath catches when I watch his sinister presence hovering above me. Tiger really can make the atmosphere oppressive. "You kept me alive, and you got me to fall in love with you. I was ready to die back then, but I stayed because of you. You said that we were doomed from the beginning, but you know what, baby girl?"
I'm quite sure he doesn't expect me to say anything, so I keep my mouth shut. Not that I would have any idea what to say whatsoever. I feel my heart thundering in my chest from his words, and even though I knew that already, it still makes me burn from the inside.
"We are not doomed, you are." Tiger smooths his voice and wipes a strand of hair from my temple to the side. "I'm tied to you and vice versa. If you want me to stop, make me. The only way you do it is to put a bullet through my heart or slit my throat, 'cause nothing less is gonna work."
I stare at him, wide-eyed and gape. "I'm not going to kill you. I'm trying to keep you safe."
He lets out a snort. "Cobra, safe is an illusion. People like us are never safe."
And just like that, he turned my own words against me. I should've seen it coming. I close my eyes, take a deep breath, collect my racing thoughts, and try to find loopholes for us, trying to find our happy ever after.
I know there isn't.
He knows there isn't.
But Tiger is right about one thing—we are tied. Always have been.
"I know, but..." I find his hand with mine, taking a deep breath. "I can't get past the images in my head about what could happen. I'm so fucking scared for you."
"Don't be, baby. I'm a big boy, I'm sure I can take care of myself."
20
The knock on the door makes Cobra jerk her hand away from me, and her head turns toward it while she pushes me further away from her.
"Hey, you're awake!" Puma's head peeks in from the door, and he hurries inside with an excited face. Cobra doesn't have time to answer when Puma is already hugging her from the opposite side of the bed from where I am.
"Christ, sis, you look like shit," Puma blurts out when he leans back and takes in her face. He glances at me with reddish eyes, and I smell the weed on him. "I bet you don't want to fuck her now, so maybe this was necessary."
"Shut up!" Cobra punches his shoulder, scowling at him, and I can't help but laugh.
"Oh, I do." I smirk at her. "I’d have no problem turning her around—"
Now I get a hard punch to my side from her, and she looks almost furious. "Anyone could hear so shut up, both of you. Besides, you two aren't allowed to talk about me in that context, ever."
Puma raises an eyebrow. "Have you turned to a nun after last Friday? If so, apologies, sister. May your path for purity be clean from temptations. You have my support."
I know she would roll her eyes right now if she could. Instead, she sinks deeper into the bed and pulls the covers up to her chin. "Ha-ha, very funny. Leave me alone, I want to sleep."
I'd like to do many things to her, but right now, I would like to lay next to her on the bed and hold her against me. She is a perfect fit for me, I know it because we've slept together on the couch a million times. Even with her curves, Cobra is small, and because I'm everything but, I can hide her in my arms.
I'm just so tired. Exhausted.
And I could use a couple hours of sleep. Especially if I could get them beside her.
"Did you tell her already?" Puma asks me, drawing me back from my daydream of sleeping.
I wish he wouldn't bring it up. Not now. Cobra sharpens in seconds, and she pushes herself up to lean on her elbows.
"Tell me what?" Her gaze ping-pongs between Puma and me. I really need to have a chat with him about timing issues.
I keep my irritated eyes on Puma while talking to her. "Leo wants me to find out what's wrong with you and inform him."
"Jesus fucking Christ, what did you say?" Cobra grabs my arm like she is ready to punch me in the face as if I've misstepped. She's so fucking cute.
"Every move you make, every step you take, I'll be watching you," I hum the answer to her and slide my hand to her thigh, keeping it over the covers for decency. However, it's still not decent enough because Puma's eyes fly to my hand, and he actually looks queasy.
"Must you? Even if I don't decapitate you for thinking about fucking our sister, I'm still not ready to see shit like that," he growls, waving his hand toward mine. "Besides, we all agreed that this isn't happening. You both promised me you’d get over it."
Cobra bucks my hand away. "Yeah, listen to Puma. We agreed."
"Stop thinking about her as my sister 'cause I certainly don't, and neither does she. Right, baby girl?" I smirk at her, knowing that I'm making them both furious, but I'm tired. I'm famous for making poor decisions when I'm tired or hungry.
"Christ, I'm out of here," Puma declares and swipes Cobra's arm before leaving. "No more stunts like that, sis, and don't fuck him, please."
"I already ordered a chastity belt from Amazon, so don't worry," she replies and places a hand to her heart. "No one is going near my nether regions."
Before stepping out, Puma turns to look at her. "Good. I have faith in you, sis." Then his eyes find me, and he points at me with his index finger. "Don't lose your grip, man. Dad will be here soon with Doc, so keep your hands to yourself." He closes the door behind him, and I feel the urge to go lock it.
I don't.
Instead, I trail my eyes to hers. Cobra answers my gaze, and for a while, we just look at each other. Her face really looks terrible, and I know it hurts like a motherfucker, but I also know that she won't take painkillers. I don't force her because she took the hits for a cause, and I'm not taking it away.
"You know, I don't regret that I made a move on you," I tell her and place my hand on the edge of the bed, leaning on it, so fucking tired. "I was going to do it at some point anyway, but now I wish that I could crawl in next to you on this bed and sleep. It's the only thing I want right now. I'm so tired."
She snorts. "Yeah, I know you are. You acted like an idiot. Jesus, I was sure that Puma would lose his temper with you."
/>
"You know me."
"I do." Cobra pauses and takes a deep breath. "Listen, Tiger. Can we just press pause for a moment? I really need my best friend right now, and you need to sleep."
I tilt my head to the side, reading her like an open book. "I miss you too, worm."
She places her hand over mine and smiles. "Do you think Doc will let me get up so we can go sleep in my bed?"
I laugh out loud. "I'd rather sleep in this bed than yours. It's fucking horrible."
"Then go on your own. I need my own bed," she states, but her soft voice tells me that she doesn't want me to go on my own. I don't want to go either. I need my arms around her, so I would sleep on the floor with her if she wants.
The door opens without anyone knocking, and Leo steps inside, and with that, the entire atmosphere changes. Her hand clutches mine, she won't let go.
"Puma told me you woke up," Leo announces and walks to the bed, and truth be told, I can't read him.
"Hi, Dad," Cobra whispers, squeezing my hand. "I'm sorry I messed up."
Leo's eyes flash at our joined hands, but he turns to look at his daughter. I feel my heart pounding in my chest, rising up to my throat. Somehow he manages to make me feel like I need to confess my sins. He doesn't know anything, and he is definitely not accusing me of anything, but…
I admit it. Maybe Cobra is right, and she is not the only one who is doomed. I doomed myself by falling in love with her, and I know that the day when Leo finds out, I might be a dead man.
The good thing is that I've never actually been afraid of dying.
21
"We're not going to discuss this right now, kiddo." Dad wipes a strand of hair off my face. "I don't want your excuses now, because I don't want to lose my temper when you're in this kind of condition. We will talk about this when you're better and don't think that you're getting away with this."
I swallow the lump down, knowing that I will be in neck-deep shit because of what I did. "I didn't expect I would."
"That's my girl." He leans down and kisses my forehead, and I squeeze Tiger's hand in mine. Something in the way Dad said it… I'm going to pay for this. "Whatever it is that's troubling you, we can fix it."
Like I can be fixed. I'm way past that.
Dad hates failing, and I just made a mega fail in his eyes. Never let anyone get you. His first rule. In combat, it means to use all the dirtiest tactics if necessary.
Never let anyone get you.
If he knew that I'm the one begging Tiger to hurt me… oh, dear. I would have to dig two graves.
Dad straightens up, a sad smile playing on his face, and he makes a gesture for Doc to come closer. She walks beside him, her eyes studying me, and then her gaze turns to Tiger.
"Did you give her the morphine?" she asks like I'm not even here.
"No, she didn't want it," Tiger answers, glancing at me. He knows he shouldn't have said it, and Dad's brows snap together at his words.
"Are you feeling better then?" She starts to press all kinds of buttons on the machine next to me.
"Oh, yes, much better." I lie to her without batting an eye, nodding to underline my words.
"That's great to hear." She gropes the wires on my arm. "We need to check you first thing in the morning, but I think you can go up to get some rest. Your body needs time to recover." She shoots a meaningful look to Dad, which is kind of admirable bravery. "And your own apartment will be the best place for you to take it easy. Watch some Netflix or read a good book, take a little break."
And just like that, she jumped to being some kind of fucking psychologist. No thanks.
"Yes, and I'm planning to take yoga classes too and change from drinking coffee to green tea." I let the sarcasm drip from my voice. Tiger clutches my fingers in warning but keeps his eyes on Doc.
"In fact, that wouldn't hurt." She doesn't seem even a bit bothered about my comment and just nods toward the door. "You two wait outside so I can check her over real quick."
Reluctantly I let go of his hand, and he starts for the door with Dad, who looks like he is trying his best to keep calm and not strangle me. The only thing that reveals his urge is the vein in his temple, the same one that Wolf has too. There are different stages of the vein:
1. The barely visible—just a little bit irritated.
2. The purple is starting to show like a river on a map—annoyed enough to curse.
3. Bulging out like the Alps—ready to use violence to express his opinions.
4. Bulging, and the color, and a tic in his jaw—all hell breaks loose.
It's on the Alps stage now.
"Dad, I'm sorry. It won't happen again." I try to reassure him, even though he might know I'm lying my ass off, but I have to try. "Doc is right, maybe I should… you know, take it easy for a couple of days. Get my shit together."
There is no way I can get my shit together, but maybe if I convince people I can, it might actually happen.
He stops and breathes in through his nose, and his shoulders rise under the black dress shirt. I'm pretty sure that Doc and Tiger stopped breathing at that.
"Tell me one thing, Angel." His eyes drill into me. "Did you think about anyone else when you let that happen? How seeing you getting beaten up would affect them in the middle of a fight? Did you want them to die?"
I shake my head, body tense as my blood goes cold at his words. "No, I… I didn't think that far—"
He cuts me off and points at Tiger, eyes blazing. "Tiger took a bullet for you. Did he mention that?"
It feels like someone hit me with a baseball bat and stuck a blade between my ribs at the same time. I flip my eyes to Tiger, my throat tightening even though no one is touching me. "Tiger?" I don't know what I'm asking, or if I am even asking anything because Dad wouldn't lie about this, but I just can't…
Tiger runs both hands through his hair, annoyance leaking out of him, before lifting his shirt. The sight of a patch on his side, on his perfectly trimmed body, makes me sick. I feel nausea rolling up my stomach, and I have to slap a hand to my mouth to keep from puking.
Dad gives me a cold smile. "Now, dear daughter, next time you mess up, you're out. Do you understand me? Get your head together, and don't get everyone around you killed." At that, he walks out, snapping his fingers in the air for Tiger to follow.
Tiger doesn't even look at me when he leaves, and it breaks me into a million pieces. He got shot—because of me.
"Let's get you checked out, shall we?" Doc places a hand to my shoulder, and I turn my eyes to her. She doesn't smile. "He will be okay, but I mean what I said. I've been around long enough that I can say this. For your own good, take a break. Breathe. I've been patching you up since you were little, and I know that your wounds are not accidents. This—" She nods toward my face. "Wasn't an accident. Your father knows it, and he won't let it happen again."
Doc is crossing the line, and she knows it, but I'm too shocked to tell her that. Maybe she is bold because she knows that there is no way out for her. Dad won't let anyone walk out with our secrets, and she's been in this from the beginning, meaning that she holds a lot of them.
"I…" My voice cracks, like my insides. "Let's just get this over with."
Dad left and Doc examines me, and I'm not even surprised. I have never seen him that mad at any of us. Though he has every right to be, I hadn't thought about anyone else when I let that happen. How stupid can I be?
Apparently, very.
Tiger walks beside me in silence, and I don't know how to start. What to say. This time the stairs up to our flats feel like a never-ending journey and not because my body is sore and aching.
I'm glad that we don't see anyone on our way up. I can't face them yet, not after what Dad said. Shame and guilt float in my veins like poison. I feel the pain from the hits I took, but my mind tells me I need more. But like this, my face wrecked, I know Tiger would never do it for me now. He doesn't have many limits in what he is willing to do, but I know that asking him to make me hur
t right now would be crossing a line.
And besides… I'm not sure if we are doing it again.
I don't know what we are.
When we stop at my door, I look down and realize that I'm wearing only a bathrobe from the medical room. It means all my stuff is down there, my keys, phone… everything.
To my surprise, Tiger pulls my keys from the pocket of his sweatpants and opens the door. Then he places a hand to the small of my back like he isn't convinced that I know what to do. Well… at this point, even something as automatic as breathing is hard for me, so he might be onto something.
I look at my hallway when Tiger turns on the lights after we step inside. The wall with my blades, guns, and multiple skull-bandanas. All in perfect order, clean and ready to serve. There are three sets of combat boots under them on the floor, all black, and tied so loose that you can just slip them on. Next to those are all my Chucks in different colors. My leather jackets on the rack—one for the job and one for free time. The black caps. My bags. Everything in order.
Everything else is in order in my life except my head.
"Are you hungry?" Tiger asks and places my keys and my phone on the side table in the bowl I have for them.
I look at the clean table, feeling the melon-sized lump in my throat. "Why didn't you tell me you got shot?"
"Because it doesn't matter."
I snap my eyes to him, anger shooting from my spine. "Doesn't matter?"
He shrugs and leans his ass on the side table, crossing his hands to his chest. "Yeah. I'm not saying that Leo didn't have a point in what he said, but for me, the most important thing was getting you out alive."
"You got shot because of me." I clench my fist at my sides, reining in my anger. I don't want to scream at him, even though I really want to scream at him because he is shrugging it off. It doesn't matter? What the actual fuck?
"I know that. You messed up and scared the shit out of me. I would crawl through Hell to get to you and take ten bullets if I have to, but none of it matters because you're here. You didn't die, and whatever I had to do to make sure of it doesn't matter," Tiger says calmly, his raspy voice soft as he speaks. "All I care about is that you're alive, baby."