“Yes of course, whatever you need.”
As Maggie walked out of the hospital, she realized that Chelsea hadn’t looked up once. It appeared that guilt was destroying Chelsea’s soul and the one person she needed had abandoned her. When she got back to the station, she found Lucas finishing off some paperwork.
“Did you get some rest?” she asked.
“Yeah, a bit and then I cleaned up and came back.” He cleared his throat. “Um, how is she?”
“How do you think, Lucas?” she said tightly. “You could go and find out for yourself and stop being a coward. If you are actually going to break up with her at least have the decency to tell her to her face.”
“I don’t know what I’m going to do yet. I’m not ready to see her like that again just yet.”
“This isn’t just about you, Hudson. She’s just been through a horrific ordeal and found out her fiancé was murdered. She needs you more than ever now. You can at least go and see her, for her.”
“Get off my case, Maggie. I’ll go when I’m ready.”
“I’m just about to type up my notes and I think you should read them. Do you at least want to know who he was and why he did this?”
“Knowing the gory details aren’t going to help.” He refused to meet her gaze. His face was a blank canvas.
“She blames herself for everything that happened.”
“Well she shouldn’t.”
“He didn’t touch her either. Not in the way he did the others. She said he got distracted and then interrupted by us. I don’t know whether that makes any difference to you or not.”
“It doesn’t, I told you it has nothing to do with that, but I’m relieved she didn’t have to suffer through that as well. I’m still not going to read your notes. I don’t want to know... it’s hard enough. Are you able to finish closing the investigation? I don’t want to think about it anymore. We have an arson case, with a body, and someone needs to attend the scene.”
“Fine, go,” she said curtly.
After he left, she shook her head. Men!
She typed out her notes and left the file on his desk. He needed to know how much Chelsea needed him. Knowing how stubborn he could be, Maggie did the only thing she could think to help. She picked up the phone to call Carrie for the second time that week.
Chapter 34
Heartbreak
Sunday
Gavin and Lauren called by to see Chelsea with a large bouquet of flowers from Bloom, which brightened the room but did little to shift her dread. She put on a brave face for her visitors who filtered in over the afternoon. The friendly faces of her family and friends comforted her but none of them was Lucas. Chelsea’s heartache was more intense than all her external injuries combined.
Her thoughts went to Wes and her heart broke for the loss of his life. The only consolation was that their love had been torn apart by a heartless killer, not because of anything she had done. Then again, Andrew had murdered him because of her. What was worse?
Her first love was murdered because of his association with her, and the second absent when she needed him most. Lucas. How could he stay away for so long? Why was he avoiding her? If it was him and not her lying in the hospital bed, she would never leave his side. She understood he was working but was a five-minute visit too much to ask? Annoyance replaced despondency for the moment until realization hit. Did he care so little about her? Did he love her at all? Maybe she was only a passing fancy? Another conquest. Or had she simply driven him away? Despair overwhelmed her again. Deciding to find out once and for all, she reached for the phone.
“Hudson,” his voice sent her heart into sudden nervous palpitations. Did she really want to hear this?
“Hi,” she squeaked. Now that she had him on the phone, she didn’t know what she wanted to say.
“Hello, Chelsea,” he answered in a formal, polite tone. “How are you feeling?”
“I’ve been better.”
“Yeah, um, I suppose you have. I hope they’re looking after you.”
What is with the tone? Why is he being courteous, polite, just as he would with someone he didn’t know? Like a witness!
“Of course, it’s a hospital, Lucas,” she said. Was it possible her heart could break further?
“I’m sorry I haven’t been in to see you. I’ve been swamped and there’s a new case.”
“Five minutes wouldn’t hurt you, Lucas.”
“I’ll come a bit later, okay?”
“Suit yourself.”
She hung up before he said anything else.
What was with him? Why was he being so indifferent? She was right, he didn’t love her. What little was left of Chelsea’s broken heart shattered to the floor.
After attending the arson scene, Lucas drove around for a while and tried to get his head together. Chelsea’s call caught him off guard and he hadn’t known what to say. Guilt clutched his chest, but he still couldn’t bring himself to see her. He couldn’t bear the thought of ending it with her either. Confusion played havoc in his mind.
His thoughts drifted back to the previous day. After leaving the hospital, he’d gone back to the station and filed his report regarding the shooting. He wanted to get it out of the way, so the case could be closed, and he wouldn’t have to think about it or her.
He’d gone home to catch up on some much-needed sleep, but it hadn’t come. All he could think about was the knife at her throat and the blood running down her neck. He had never wanted to get involved with anyone, ever. Then he’d met Chelsea and she’d turned his world upside down.
Her kidnapping nearly sent him crazy. He never wanted to feel dread and helplessness again, as he had the day his parents died. But Lucas did feel it all over again and it was almost too much. He had to walk away. He wouldn’t be able to take it again.
That morning, after a useless attempt at trying to rest, he discovered he still wasn’t ready to face anything yet, especially her. He called Maggie and asked her to cover for him for a few hours and she kindly said she would.
“Take all the time you need,” she told him. “As long as the decision you make is the right one.”
He’d spent all morning thinking about her and their time together, which merely caused his heart to ache. If it hurt this much and she was still alive, imagine how much it would hurt if she wasn’t. This was the mantra he repeated over and over but his heart wouldn’t listen. So, to escape reliving their memories, he showered and went to work.
Now he didn’t know what to do. Maggie was right - he was a coward and he decided he’d better make a decision, so he drove towards the hospital.
Chelsea was lost in her memories when Lucas trudged in, eyes downcast. He slumped into the nearby chair. She noticed immediately that he could not, would not, lift his eyes to her. They would be dark and troubled.
“How are you feeling?” he asked.
“I’m not going to tell you until you look at me.”
He brought his gaze to hers and the unmistakable look of regret and sadness was etched within them. His expression however, remained blank.
“I’m fine,” she said shortly.
“Chelsea…” He paused as he traced her injuries with his eyes before looking down again. “I can’t go through that again. Losing my parents, seeing them that day was the worst thing that has happened to me, until Thursday. I never wanted to ever get close to anyone, so I wouldn’t ever have to feel loss like that again and…” He trailed off, unsure of what to say.
“And what, Lucas?” she said coolly. “You would rather be alone and sad, than scared and happy?”
“Something like that,” he mumbled.
She didn’t answer, so he continued. “You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met. I guess I just got lost in the moment and I—”
“Just go,” she said cutting him off.
“Chelsea I—”
“I. Said. Go.”
He stood up and walked out without looking at her. Dumbfounded, Chelsea curl
ed up and hugged the pillow to her chest. Hot tears stung her face as the pain consumed her.
Chapter 35
Indifference
Sunday
It felt as though his heart had been ripped out. Lucas thought it was impossible to feel worse than he already did, only to discover it wasn’t. Work was the only answer, so he drove towards the precinct with the intent of absorbing himself in the arson investigation. Perhaps he could forget her face and how battered it was because, at the moment, it was a permanent scar in his mind.
Her left eye was various shades of purple and yellow, with stitches in the corner near the eyebrow. Her bottom lip was split and swollen and there was a large dark bruise on her right cheek. Both wrists were bandaged, as was her throat, and he definitely did not want to imagine what was underneath.
Seeing her battered and bruised had been what tipped him over the edge. Walking away was the only option. He hadn’t protected her, and she’d gotten hurt. He had lost focus and she had almost lost her life. Yes, he was going to be alone and miserable, but he knew that it was better than living with the constant fear of her death. He loved her, and he was doing this for her. As he was about to climb out of the car, his phone rang again.
“Hudson.”
“Hello, Lucas, how are you?”
“I’m fine, Carrie.”
“You’re always fine but I want to know how you really are. Come over after work. Nathan is taking the kids to a movie, so I thought I would cook you some dinner. I doubt you’ve eaten properly in the last couple of days. I won’t take no for an answer. See you at seven.” She hung up.
He dropped into the station on the way to Carrie’s to drop off his notes from the arson case to be typed up in the morning. Chelsea’s file was sitting on his desk and he knew Maggie had left it there, urging him to read it. He picked it up and thumbed the cover as he contemplated what to do. Did he want to know what was inside? This was hard enough. Knowing about her ordeal was definitely not going to help. Andrew Smyth, or Chad Wilson, or whatever his name was had been deranged and there would be nothing in the file to indicate any differently. Maggie had said Chelsea was feeling guilty, but this would be her compassionate nature rather than reason. She had nothing to feel guilty about. This wasn’t her fault, it was his. He had been chasing the wrong person all along. Throwing the file back on Maggie’s desk he decided to ignore it.
As he didn’t want to make the lecture he was about to receive any worse, Lucas ensured he arrived at his sister’s house promptly at seven. Nathan, Mabel and Tommy were heading towards the car as he walked to the door.
“Uncle Lucas,” they both cried together before running over to hug his legs.
“Are you coming to the movies with us?” Mabel asked him.
“Not tonight, Mabe Babe. I’m having dinner with your mom.”
“Will you be taking us out tomorrow?” Tommy asked.
“No, I have to work this weekend, but I promise next week, okay?”
“Okay,” they chimed and ran towards their father’s car.
“Being happy is terrifying but it’s worth it.” Nathan patted him on the back and then followed his children to the car.
“Wow, you look miserable,” Carrie said. He shrugged. “Come and tell me what’s going on in that head of yours.”
“Nothing, Carrie. I’m fine.”
“Yes, so you said.”
She guided him into the dining room, put a plate and a beer down in front of him and began her inquisition. “So, I hear you’re going to walk away from the best thing that ever happened to you.”
“Who told you that?” he asked her between bites.
“Maggie did.” She paused. “Before you get cranky, I would have found out anyway.” He shrugged again and continued eating. “Lucas, I thought you loved her. How can you do this, especially after everything she’s been through?”
“I’m doing this because of everything that happened. Besides too late now, it’s done.”
“What’s gotten into you? Yesterday you were devastated at the thought of losing her and today you walk away.”
He shrugged. “It ran its course. She was kidnapped, and it was my job to find her as it was my job to investigate the murders. I was concerned because I had a thing with her. I wasn’t focused enough to do my job and I blame myself for what happened.”
“Lucas! Stop using your tough detective act with me.”
“I’m not.”
“What happened to the Lucas I saw last Sunday?”
He shrugged. “He got caught up in the moment, I guess. The moment has passed. This is great by the way.”
“Okay, if you’re going to hide behind this bravado, Lucas—”
“I’m not,” he cut her off. “Why is this your concern anyway?”
“Damn it, Lucas. Stop it!”
He looked up at her and his composure crumbled.
“I just can’t do it, Carrie. Look how I reacted when she was gone, and I’d only known her just over a week. It’s only going to get harder the longer I know her and if anything happened to her again, it would be the end of me,” he said his voice full of torment.
“Ah, there you are.” She paused. “Lucas, honey, I already told you about what-ifs. You can’t go through life worrying about what might happen.”
“It did happen, Carrie. I didn’t protect her because I couldn’t think straight when I was with her.”
“You really believe this is your fault?”
“Things seem to happen to people that love me.”
“She’s still alive, Lucas, and she is because of who you are.”
“That’s not the point, Carrie.”
“Well, what is?” Her brow furrowed, and her eyes told him she wouldn’t be letting this go.
“That I was right all along about not getting involved. I knew my heart wouldn’t be able to take it.”
“You’re so stubborn!”
“Look who’s talking.”
“Okay, be a hard head about this but I think you deserve to be happy and I think Chelsea is the girl who will do that. I saw you with her and I got my little brother back for the first time in thirteen years. Yes, you’re terrified but we all feel like that, Lucas. You think it was easy for me? I can tell you that it wasn’t. As much as I loved Nathan, the fear felt like it was bigger.”
“Exactly my point.”
“I’m not finished,” she said, frowning at him. “Once the love grew stronger the fear went away. The chance to be happy was greater than the fear. The feeling of being in love was so wonderful that it didn’t matter what would or could happen tomorrow. All that matters is how you feel each day, and to cherish every moment. You’re just going to be miserable without her anyway.”
“Why do you think I’m finding it so difficult? I think about her every moment of every day. The ache I feel because I’m not with her, that I’m not there for her, is getting worse but I… just... can’t...”
“I know, honey, but how does it feel when you’re with her?”
“Like there’s no-one else in the world.”
“Then take the chance. Something bad has already happened and she’s still alive. You should be relieved, not running away because she might not be.”
“I hurt her. She won’t want to see me now.”
“I think you’re underestimating her feelings for you.”
“I have to think about it some more.”
“I think you do too much thinking and what you should be doing is following your heart. Now there is nothing more I can say. It’s up to you now.”
“You’re right it is up to me and I thought I’d already made my decision.”
“I think it’s the wrong one,” she told him taking away his dinner dishes. “Maybe you should go home. I’m far too annoyed at you right now.”
Lucas thought about everything Carrie had said as he sat alone in his barren apartment. With his heart empty and his mind full of Chelsea, he tried once again to get the sleep he needed.
<
br /> Chapter 36
Home
Sunday
After Lucas had left her the previous day, Chelsea spent the rest of the afternoon and night with her misery. She told the nursing staff she didn’t want any more visitors. She couldn’t believe it could possibly hurt so much after only knowing him a week. Chelsea couldn't remember feeling this awful, even when Wes left her, and they’d been together three years.
Wes. He hadn’t left her though, had he? She shuddered, that door needed to be closed, permanently. Guilt would consume her if she didn’t. She didn’t want to believe her very existence drove Andrew to destroy so many lives. He’d been unstable, and she should be grateful for being alive. She had assumed Lucas would be too but how wrong she’d been. Did she push too hard? Ask too many questions? Had she wanted too much too soon? She’d pushed Lucas away with her excessive questions, her neediness.
The idea of returning to her empty house filled with memories drove a wedge of pain through her already shattered heart. The thought of getting on with her life or even Bloom held little appeal. What was she going to do now? Chelsea pondered over this while nursing her heartache. She had some decisions to make.
She’d made up her mind only moments before Charlotte was wheeled in again for a visit after lunch.
“Sorry I haven’t come to visit again before now, but the drill sergeant nurse wouldn’t let me.” She frowned at the nurse pushing the chair. “She says we need our rest, but I feel perfectly rested and can’t wait to get out of here.”
“In a couple of days,” the nurse told her and then left.
“So, you look as gloomy as me. Are you ready to go home too?”
“Yes, but not back to my house. I want to go home, back to Mom and Dad’s.”
“You probably need a holiday. It’s a good idea.”
“Not for a holiday, Charlotte. Permanently.”
“What? Why?”
“There’s nothing for me here.”
Rich Girl (Broken Wishes Series Book 1) Page 22