by Katie Henry
Dedication
For Leah, who always reminds me it’s not the end of the world
Contents
Cover
Title Page
Dedication
One
Two
Three
Four
Five
Six
Seven
Eight
Nine
Ten
Eleven
Twelve
Thirteen
Fourteen
Fifteen
Sixteen
Seventeen
Eighteen
Nineteen
Twenty
Twenty-One
Twenty-Two
Twenty-Three
Twenty-Four
Twenty-Five
Twenty-Six
Twenty-Seven
Twenty-Eight
Acknowledgments
About the Author
Books by Katie Henry
Back Ads
Copyright
About the Publisher
One
HERE IS ONE way the world could end:
In a peaceful corner of northwest Wyoming, under the feet of park rangers, herds of deer, and thousands of tourists to Yellowstone National Park, lies a giant reservoir of burning, deadly magma called the Yellowstone Caldera. First, there would be earthquakes, the kind you can’t sleep through. Then would come the supereruption, a rare seismic event. Rare, but possible. Rare, but overdue. The park would be a lake of lava, but the real problem would be the ash, which would blanket the entire United States, coast to coast. In the Rockies, the ash would crush buildings, devastate crops, suffocate animals and people. Even a few inches would make national highways impassable, ruin farms, shut down air travel. Life as we know it would be over. The entire planet would grow colder.
Here is another way the world could end: I could fail my driving test for a third time.
“Twice isn’t even that many times to fail. Two times, that’s all, and my parents look at me like I’ve murdered something. Something cute. And fuzzy.” I take a breath. “There are bigger problems in the world than me not being able to drive my sister to ballet. Millions of people don’t have clean drinking water. Two-thirds of the animals on Earth might be dead in five years, did you know that? And at any time—any time—a gamma-ray burst could destroy the ozone layer and kill us all.”
“Could we bring this conversation back to you?” Martha asks.
We’re not actually having a conversation. She’s a therapist and I’m a client, and even though her office is made to look like someone’s living room, we’re not doing this for fun.
“Sure,” I say. “Forget the world, I could have bigger problems than not being able to drive. I could be an alcoholic. I could be a shoplifter. I could be selling my dad’s muscle relaxants in the park across from school, did they think about that?”
“Do you think there are some fears wrapped up in this experience?”
“It’s not irrational to be scared of driving. It’s the most dangerous everyday activity.”
“It’s good to take safety seriously,” Martha concedes. “And I know I’ve said this before, but fear can be a very useful tool. Everyone experiences fear, and there’s a good reason for that. It helps us identify danger. It helps us survive.”
“Yeah, exactly, we should all be more scared.”
“But sometimes, people experience fear that’s constant, or very intense, or out of proportion to the situation,” Martha adds gently. “And when fear keeps you from living your life freely, that’s when it has to be addressed. Not eliminated completely. Just managed.”
“My mom says I can’t go to college if I don’t know how to drive,” I say. “Like it’s the equivalent of a high school diploma. And I’m not getting that for almost two more years, so what’s her rush?”
“It sounds like you’re feeling a lot of pressure.”
“For no good reason! I can take the bus to school, I can walk to church and your office and the library, I can get on BART if I want to go to San Francisco. I’m fine.” I pause. “People are too dependent on cars. Like, sure, if a geomagnetic storm destroyed the electricity grid and society collapsed, you could use a car to get somewhere safer—”
Martha clears her throat. I keep going.
“—but we live in a city; the freeways would pile up. And gas expires, it oxidizes, so all the cars would be rusted from the inside out, anyway. You can’t count on cars.”
“Do you think this is a worthwhile thought pattern, Ellis?”
Is anything you do worthwhile, Ellis?
I shake my head.
“Let’s talk about what happened during the driving test.”
“Nothing happened.”
“What do you mean?”
“I sat in the DMV parking lot with the . . . driving evaluator, or whatever—and nothing happened.” I pause. “Because I couldn’t turn the car on.”
Martha tilts her head. “Couldn’t?”
I’ve only been seeing her for a few weeks, but I know what it means when she repeats a word I’ve said. It’s like when you insert your card at the train station and the turnstile spits it back out. Try again. She’s looking for me to say wouldn’t or didn’t want to in place of couldn’t. But I really couldn’t. I had my finger on the button and my foot on the brake but my brain was already out of the parking lot and on Claremont Avenue, calculating exactly what would go wrong.
You could hit a pedestrian.
You could hit an elderly pedestrian.
You could hit a child pedestrian.
You could hit an elderly pedestrian carrying a child pedestrian and get arrested for manslaughter and your parents will have to pay restitution to the elderly/child victims and you’ll never go to college because of your horrible guilt and will instead live in the basement for the rest of your life and befriend the rats.
Alternatively, I could humiliate myself in front of a DMV employee. At least I’ve got a road map for that.
“What feelings are coming up, right now?”
I shrug. “I’m fine.”
“‘Fine’ is not a feeling.”
“Is ‘annoyed’ a feeling?”
She smiles. “Yes. Is that what you’re feeling about your driving test?”
“It’s not a big deal to me. So I guess I’m annoyed it’s such a big deal to other people.”
“That’s understandable.” Martha pushes a dark, springy ringlet back from her face. “Is this something you’ve experienced before? Or is this a new feeling?”
For someone so serene and unflappable, she talks about feelings a lot. Never hers, though. Only mine.
“It’s not new.” I hesitate. “It’s actually kind of constant.”
“Tell me about that.”
I slump back on the couch. The more information you dredge up and vomit out to someone, the more they seem to want.
Is it really that horrible to have someone listen to you? Your parents are paying for this. You’re wasting their money.
“Everything my mom and dad think is important, I don’t want anything to do with. They want me to get my license. They want me to be in AP classes. They want me to hang out with girls from church more. I don’t care about the things they care about. I just don’t.”
Not only are you wasting your parents’ money, you’re using it to talk crap about them.
“It goes the other way, too,” I say, trying to seem like less of a jerk. “They don’t care about what I care about, either.” I pause. “They don’t want me to care about the things I care about.”
“Can you give me an example?”
I give her a look like, Come on. She smiles. She waits.
“Like disaster preparedness,” I say. “Like the end of the world as we know it.”
“Where do you think your interest in survivalism comes from?” she asks.
I shake my head. “I’m not a survivalist.”
“Oh?”
“Survivalists have skill sets. Hunting and fishing and living off the land, and I can’t do any of that. I’m a prepper. I have supplies, not skills. Or, I would have supplies, except my mom told all my relatives they can’t give me gift cards anymore because I’ll spend them on ‘bizarre internet stuff,’ as if she won’t appreciate properly filtered water you don’t even have to boil first.”
“Okay,” Martha says. “Prepping. Where do you think your interest in prepping comes from?”
My palms itch. I try to put my hands in the pockets of my cardigan, but they don’t fit. I take them out.
“Do you know,” I ask Martha, “where the word interest comes from?”
“Where it comes from?”
“The history of the word. Its etymology.” She shakes her head. “It’s Latin, if you go back far enough. The noun form of interesse, which means, literally, ‘to be between.’ It was more a legal term, though, not like we think of it now.”
“It’s impressive you remember all that.”
“Well, I wrote it down,” I say. “I can remember anything if I write it down.”
Absentmindedly, I touch the front pocket of my backpack. That’s where my notebook is. Kenny #14. The first Kenny was an eggshell-blue diary from Deseret Books, a gift from my aunt on my ninth birthday. My mom suggested I name it. I chose Kenny. She hated that so much I stuck with it for thirteen more notebooks.
Martha shifts in her chair. “How much progress have you made in your workbook?”
I’ve made exactly no progress in Stress Free and Happy to Be Me because I buried it in my sock drawer the first day I got it.
“The workbook is one tool,” she says. “It’s designed to give you strategies for situations like your driving test. When you feel overwhelmed, or anxious.”
Hearing that word always makes my throat tight. I’m not in denial, I know it’s what I am. Martha was the first person to say it like a diagnosis, not just as an adjective. All the diplomas on Martha’s office walls—Howard University, Smith College, UC Berkeley—only make it feel more official. Generalized anxiety disorder. It’s not the word itself, it’s what people mean when they use it.
“But maybe it’s not the right tool for you,” she admits. “I’d like to give you an assignment for this week.”
“Okay.”
“You’ve probably written down some facts about how the world could end. Or change drastically. Yes?”
I nod again.
“Have you looked up any of the times people thought the world would end, and then it didn’t?”
No. Those people were wrong, whoever they were, whenever they were. Why would I care about things that didn’t happen? I shake my head.
“This week, I’d like you to look up some end-of-the-world predictions that didn’t come true. They can be from last year, they can be from a thousand years ago.”
I can do research in my sleep. “So you want a list, or—?”
“Go deeper than that. Look at what happened to those people afterward. When the world kept going, what did they do? What changed in their lives, and what didn’t? How did they move on?” She looks at her watch. “And then next session, we can talk about it. Sound good?”
If it means the workbook can stay buried in my sock drawer, it sounds great. I nod.
“Wonderful.” She glances at her watch. “Our time’s about up for today.”
I grab my backpack. Martha opens the door for me.
“Have a good week,” she says. “And try not to focus too much on the driving test, okay?”
But as I walk past the other offices and the eternally wilted potted plant at the end of the hallway, that’s all I can think about. Me at the wheel of a car, and all the things that could go wrong. Martha calls this “catastrophizing.”
You could hit the gas instead of the brake. You could run over a kindergarten teacher or a volunteer firefighter or the Dalai Lama.
Never mind that the Dalai Lama doesn’t even live here.
What if he was giving a lecture at UC Berkeley and you murdered him, what then? It’s possible. Anything terrible is possible.
When I walk into the waiting room, I expect to see the little redheaded boy who sees Martha right after me. He’s usually here when I get out, destroying a Highlights magazine and demanding more Goldfish from his exhausted mom. I’ve taken to calling him the Red Demon.
You’re a horrible person. He’s a child.
He did whip a Tonka truck at my face once.
And everyone still likes him better than they like you.
But the only person in the waiting room today is a teenage girl, sitting cross-legged in one of the armless wooden chairs, her eyes closed.
I shouldn’t stare. Emily Post may not have written about therapy, but some things are unspoken. You ignore the other people in the waiting room. You do not make small talk. You keep walking when a maladjusted third grader hurls a toy at you, though it is permissible to step on his bag of Goldfish in revenge.
I shouldn’t stare at this girl and her loose, long, wavy hair, the color of an old penny. And scraggly at the tips, like it hasn’t been cut in a while. She’s in faded jeans and a navy hoodie that’s way too big for her. It engulfs her torso and hides her hands. Her feet are tucked under her legs. I wonder if she’s even wearing shoes.
And as I’m standing there, staring, the girl in blue opens her eyes.
I squeak and stumble back.
She smiles, big and broad, like we’re best friends reunited. “Hi,” she says, and the way she says it, it’s clear she remembers me, even if I can’t remember her.
“I’m sorry,” I say, and don’t even know for what. For staring at her? For forgetting her name? “Do we—how do I know you?”
She tilts her head. “You don’t know me,” she says. “Not yet.”
This is how serial-killer shows start. In five network-TV minutes, a grizzled detective is going to find my corpse by a drainage pipe, strangled with a navy blue sweatshirt.
The girl’s still smiling. It’s like she doesn’t even know I’m internally debating whether she’s a criminal mastermind. I have to say something. Anything. Anything not about murder.
I clear my throat. “Um. What?”
She opens her mouth, but closes it fast as we hear high heels clipping down the hallway. Martha appears in the waiting door almost inhumanly fast. She looks at the girl in blue, then at me. Her serene mask, the nonjudgmental face she wears in our sessions, vanishes. Only for a second.
Martha looks back at the girl in blue. “You’re very early.” She pauses, awkwardly, like she swallowed a word.
The girl gets to her feet. She is, in fact, wearing shoes. “I walked, and it didn’t take as long as I thought it would.”
“We’ll start now,” she says to the girl. She flicks her eyes to me. “See you next week.”
Martha starts to usher the girl through the door. The girl glances back at me as she goes. “See you sooner than that.”
She grins. Martha shuts the door behind them. I stand in the empty waiting room alone.
If we were in a session, Martha would ask me to name what I’m feeling right now. It’s easier to do inside my head than out loud.
Confused. Intrigued. Nervous, as always.
I can name Martha’s feelings, too, the ones on her face when the mask dropped. Surprised. Wary. Maybe even scared.
I can’t do that for the girl in blue, because I don’t know her.
I don’t know her, but I think I will.
Two
I TAKE THE bus straight home. I’d rather have walked, but it’s Monday, and Monday means family home evening. So I squeeze myself onto a packed 51A bus. Wedged between a pack of middle school kids drawi
ng boobs on the wall and an elderly man who clearly regrets having chosen the back row, I think about the girl in blue.
You don’t know me.
Not yet.
And though I rack my brain for what that could mean, even after I’m off the bus, down my block, and opening my front door, I’m no closer to figuring it out. I shake my head. I need to forget about this, for now.
Family home evening—everyone shortens it to FHE—is the one night a week reserved for family time. No extracurriculars, no late nights at the office, no holing up in your room alone. We’re Mormon, and that means we’re big on family. It makes sense. If you’re going to spend all eternity together, you might as well become close while you’re still on Earth.
I know a lot of people do this kind of thing, not just us, but we’re the only church I know of to give it a name and make it a weekly expectation. Not that I mind. As far as expectations go, this is an easy one. Hang out with your family, eat something sugary, play a game or watch a movie? It’s nice. I like my family.
“Ellis?” Mom calls from the kitchen. “Can you come in here?”
I mostly like my family.
When I walk into the kitchen, Mom is still in her work clothes, though she’s probably been home for a while.
“Hey, sweetie,” she says, closing the oven door and then straightening up to look at me. She frowns. “I wish you wouldn’t do that.”
I’d ask what I possibly could have done, since I’m standing here motionless and silent, but I know she’ll tell me.
“What’s in the oven?” I ask as she walks over to me and gently untucks the hair behind my ears.
“There,” she says, pushing the hair back away from my forehead and fluffing the ends like I’m some kind of prized Pomeranian. “It looks so much better that way. Don’t you think?”
When it’s behind my ears, it’s out of my eyes. I don’t care what it looks like. “It’s fine.”
“Or up,” she says, starting to gather it into a high ponytail. “You never wear it up.”
I shrug her off. “Mom, stop.”
She lets my hair down. Steps back. She nods at a bowl on the counter next to the sink.
“Can you wash your hands and mix that coleslaw for me, please? I’m bringing it to the Jensens tomorrow. You can put it in the fridge when you’re done.”