“No, that’s not what I mean. I don’t blame anyone. You’ve always had my back. I just wish someone taught me to recognize the problems sooner. I didn’t need someone to stand up for me, I needed to learn how to stand up for myself.”
“So that’s what you think you’re doing? Standing up for yourself?”
Her voice was hard. “I won’t make that mistake again. It starts like this, you know. The way he didn’t care what I said or how I tried to explain. When being protective turns into something else. Possessiveness. Control. That’s not who Sebastian is but…but it’s like I brought it out of him.”
Rajiv didn’t respond right away. When he did, he spoke gently. “Is that what Noah made you think? That you brought his abuse out of him?”
She didn’t know how to answer, so she stayed quiet. The humiliation made her eyes sting.
“Noah was a brat, Jaya. And when he became successful, the brat became an abuser. You didn’t turn him into anything. If any part of Noah is decent, it was because you loved him. All the ways he hurt you, that’s on him.”
“I’m just saying, I’m so scared that when I love someone…” Her voice was dragged through glass, but she pushed through. “When I love someone…”
After squeezing her eyes and gathering her thoughts, Jaya continued. “Sebastian is the best person, Raj. The fucking best. More than anything, I’m scared that we’ll hurt each other and then hate each other so badly, there would be no way to recover. I don’t want to turn him into something he’s not. And when I handled the Noah thing so badly, Sebastian flipped. I didn’t recognize him at all.”
“Explain it to me. What exactly happened with Noah after he saw you in Florida?”
“Nothing. Nothing happened. Why do people assume I have anything to add to the fact that he sent me shit that I threw in the garbage.”
“OK, I hear you. But what was Noah thinking?”
She paused. Jaya was so engrossed in her own misery, she didn’t think about the catalyst to it. “I think it shook him to see me with someone else. You know how jealous he is by nature. Maybe it was like delayed jealousy for the girl I was. He doesn’t even know me for the person I am today. I honestly don’t think his behavior has anything to do with me. I’m just another challenge to conquer, another prize he can grab out of someone else’s hands. What hurts is Sebastian assumed I would fall for it.”
“But you didn’t.”
“Of course I didn’t.”
“So, why don’t you tell him?”
“I did! I told him never again. I would never put myself through that again.”
They were quiet for a good three minutes before Rajiv asked, “Jaya? Have you, umm, seen anyone about what you went through with Noah? I mean the verbal abuse. The manipulation and possessiveness.”
“I told you. The fact that he had power over me is my fault. I know better now. I won’t make that mistake again.”
“Jaya, you sound like you’re blaming yourself for what happened. That’s messed up. And you didn’t answer my question. Have you talked to someone, a professional, about what you went through?”
She didn’t respond because she was ashamed of the answer.
Rajiv continued. “Let me ask you this way. If one of the kids at the community center went through what you did, would you blame her? Would you say she should have known better?”
“Of course not! But I’m not that girl anymore. I’m not that kid.” Something very heavy was crushing her chest.
“Jeez, for a smart woman, I swear. Look, I’m not an expert but I know this much. You aren’t a kid now, but that kid who was hurt and belittled and controlled—she is still in you. She’s still hurt. And if she never healed, no amount of expert knowledge or self-awareness as an adult is going to allow that kid to see past her pain.”
In a small voice, she offered a reluctant, “Fuck, I know.”
“So if you know, do something about it, sis. Avoiding the problem for years is bad enough. I think maybe throwing yourself into the work of helping all those kids, maybe that was kind of an outlet, yeah?”
“Jeez, bro. Are you a psychologist or a pharmacist?”
“I’m an all-around healer, what can I say?” he said to lighten the mood. His voice turned grave again, now that he had her full attention.
“Listen, it just seems to me that you’re letting the past dictate the present. You’re a smart person. Do you think it makes sense to allow a confused and distressed teenager to dictate the decisions of a grown-ass woman?”
***
About a month after she started seeing her therapist, Jaya made a list.
Start a journal to help recognize triggers for negative thought patterns Get those pretty notebooks and cool pens from Target
Put aside time to write in journal every night, before sleeping
Acknowledge how the past has created anger and self-doubt Take up a physical activity in order to work through anger. Maybe kickboxing? Axe-throwing? Tap dancing? Decide by end of month.
Repeat positive affirmations.
Go on vacation before the end of the year—some place hot but with no sand. Lie on the grass every day of vacation. Nap.
Prioritize new career goals Spruce up resume to emphasize health and empowerment education
Give community center notice and find replacement
Connect with local networks—start with Glynnis Sanditon
Reclaim what I love Revisit places I enjoyed in Detroit even if it brings back painful memories
Reconnect with hockey beyond volunteer work. Maybe join a league?
Sebastian?
Sebastian. She crossed out his name because even if she still loved him, there was no such thing as “reclaiming” a person. At any rate, she had a long way to go before she could feel right about all the things that went wrong. A long way to go before she could focus on their relationship—what could be reclaimed and what couldn’t.
That’s the thing about lists. If you wrote things down, you didn’t need to hold it all in. It didn’t have to take up space in your head. Even if you didn’t get to all of the items on the list, it remained as a record. A promise to yourself. And maybe that was enough for now.
It felt good to consider what her next steps would be. As her therapist reminded her, Embrace your wants and desires. Discover who you are and who you want to become. Eat ice cream. Wait, that one wasn’t official, but it was still a useful bit of advice.
She committed to staying on track with therapy. It would take longer than a few weeks but something about starting the process felt good. So, after signing up for kickboxing and sprucing up her resume, she finally got around to emailing Dr. Glynnis Sanditon.
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Hello, Dr. Sanditon,
I hope this email reaches you well. I am the youth coordinator at the Freedom Community Center and volunteer at the Hockey-For-All program. I am a great admirer of your work with youth sports and am writing to respectfully request a meeting.
Throughout my experience as an at-risk youth counselor, I have found that a primary concern for teenagers ages 11-18 is better access to health education that prioritizes a more holistic approach to self-awareness and communication, respect and consent, when considering their sexual choices. It has come to my attention that your work with female athletes includes a unit on spectrums of sexuality. I would love to volunteer and contribute in any way you see fit. This is a cause close to my heart and which I hope will guide my future endeavors.
I understand you are busy with your private practice and community service, so I won’t ask for more than a few minutes whenever it is convenient. Thank you so much for considering my request.
Respectfully yours,
Jaya Patel
She added her cell phone number, pressed send, and waited. She didn’t have to wait long at all. A text from an unrecognized number pinged almost immediately.
Hi Jaya—this is Glynnis. What a
re you doing after work today? I’m lecturing at the Medical College tonight. Want to grab coffee at 5:30?
When Jaya entered the campus café and saw the elegant woman at the corner punching away at her laptop, she almost turned around to leave. Dr. Sanditon was so composed and professional and gorgeous, Jaya couldn’t help but be intimidated. But then the sports psychologist looked up, saw her timidly standing by the door, and beamed a smile so warm and sincere, Jaya had no choice but to approach.
“Hi, Dr. Sanditon,” Jaya said with a hand reaching out.
“Please, call me Glynnis. Sit down!” They shook hands. “I’m so glad you were able to meet me at such short notice.”
Jaya was flustered for a bit because wasn’t she the one who should be glad? “Oh, wow, I’m the one who can’t believe you’re willing to meet me so soon after my email. I mean, I’m grateful that you’re so generous with your time. But I never expected, honestly, that we would meet so soon.” Rambling. Jaya was rambling.
“Can I be honest, Jaya?”
“Wh—what? Yes. I mean yes.”
Glynnis smiled all the way to her eyes. “I’ve heard of you. From a few people, actually.”
Jaya’s eyes bugged out because that could mean anything. Offended parents? Inappropriate social media posts? Disgruntled bosses?
“Don’t look so worried. They all came from good sources. Mr. Watson is very proud of your work. He’s quite an advocate. Conservative at heart because, well, he can’t help it. But he knows effectiveness and dedication when he sees it. He’s talked about you before because we serve on a few charity boards together. I’ve heard of the great strides you’ve taken with the Freedom Community Center.”
“Oh, wow. That’s a relief because sometimes I think he looks at me like I’m nuts.” Oops, that came out wrong, but Glynnis just laughed.
“The best people in our line of work push the envelope. If he looks at you like that and still endorses your work, you’re doing something right.”
“But you said a few people? You heard about me from a few people?”
“Did I say that? I guess there’s no harm disclosing that my husband and Sebastian Beaumont are old teammates and have stayed connected as friends.”
“Oh, so Sebastian told you about me.” Jaya didn’t know how she felt about that. She specifically told him that she would email Glynnis when she was ready. Why would he go against her wishes?
Not everyone who wants to help you wants to control you. That’s what her therapist told her to remember when her defenses went into overdrive.
“He didn’t say much at all. Just emailed me some press releases about the FCC, but for some reason, every single one of them had pictures of you. Plus, that interview for the local channel. He sent me that too.”
Jaya groaned. “That was, by all accounts, considered a bust.”
Glynnis's pretty forehead creased. “Why?”
“Because no one wants to hear about risk assessment and developmental markers. They just want to hear about…dating. Sadly, dating is not a topic I’m an expert in at all.”
“Maybe some people want to hear about dating, but not me. I saw your dedication, your expertise. You have a calling. No one can deny your passion.”
“Wow, yes, um, thank you,” Jaya said, a bit flabbergasted at the praise.
“When I asked Sebastian about you, he said you would reach out when you’re ready. He said that you would know when it’s time.”
“He did?”
“Yeah. And it turns out he’s right. So let’s talk about how we’re going to get you involved in the program. Tell me more about this health education revision.”
And she did. All of those presentations for people who weren’t interested paid off because suddenly, Jaya had a rapt audience. Someone who spoke her language about integrating intersectional identities, mental states, social readiness, communication skills, and relationship dynamics in empowered choices for both boys and girls. Jaya talked about her first-hand experience with teenagers struggling with harassment, confusion, bullying, and misinformation. She discussed various peer-based interventions and national programs on risk assessment and the particular vulnerabilities of young adults who identified as LGBTQ+.
When she was done, flushed and a little breathless, Jaya pressed her lips together and sat on her hands. She waited to see if this accomplished woman was going to belittle her efforts or ignore them. Then she stopped herself. She remembered something her therapist asked her to write down and look at.
Make room in your life for unexpected good news.
“Jaya, I’d like to set up another meeting this week. Preferably in the next few days.”
“Great!” She was relieved. That had to be good news, right? “I start early on Thursday so I can leave at four. Or I can take an extended lunchbreak on Wednesday. But did you have another time in mind?”
“Lunch is fine. Let me take you out. We have more things to talk about but I’m due for my lecture soon.”
“You mean talk about my involvement with your hockey camp? I really appreciate that Dr…I mean, Glynnis.”
“No. Not for the camp. Jaya, I’m offering you a job this week and I’d like you to carefully consider what it will take for you to accept an offer.”
***
When Sebastian scored the game-winning, series-clinching goal against the Stanley Cup defending champions Tampa Bay, Jaya felt relief so powerful, she might have peed a little. Not that anyone would notice in the raucous bar. More than a few drops of beer spilled as people jumped up to celebrate.
She was with her brother, who was visiting for the weekend with Lakshmi. They both needed time away from “the mothers” and set up a romantic Cincinnati getaway. She offered her pull-out couch but everyone knew that nothing about her living conditions was remotely romantic. In fact, the very word romantic wasn’t allowed around Jaya.
Fine with her. She had other things to think about. She had a list, for goodness’ sake.
And a new job that would start in less than two weeks. She gave her notice the day after she was offered the position of her dreams.
No tutoring schedules or program printing, no background checks, or receptionist duties. She could work on empowerment training like she had hoped. Jaya was in charge of programming for the massive annual hockey camp but also for all of the visiting gigs that Glynnis had around the country. She would facilitate peer group meetings on risk assessment and communication workshops in the regional hockey clubs throughout Ohio and parts of Indiana and Michigan.
She was also given the green light to work with community partners and local non-profits to identify funding opportunities. Glynnis agreed that this shouldn’t be the kind of teenage empowerment, consent education for the elite who could afford club sports and private schools. They would offer the programming to underprivileged schools and underserved communities. So, in a way, Jaya was not saying goodbye to the kids at FCC. She would be back running the program with Dr. Glynnis Sanditon, one of the premier youth psychologists in the country.
Make room in your life for unexpected good news.
Watching Sebastian kick ass in Tampa Bay felt just as amazing as her own recent good fortune. Was it unusual to see his playoff success as aligned with her own accomplishments? Right or wrong, she felt connected to him. It made her embrace the moment even more, with all of its bitter sweetness. They weren’t reaching their goals side by side, but somehow, they were still reaching them together. Apart but connected.
“You look better,” Rajiv said as he nudged her. “I was surprised you wanted to watch the game.”
Of course, she looked better. This was the best time of the year! So much awesome hockey ahead! It was spring, which for some people meant flowers and sunshine. For Jaya, it meant the playoffs. And Sebastian just eliminated the biggest threat in their division.
“Detroit’s out of the postseason so why wouldn’t I watch this game?” she said snarkily because there was no use encouraging her brother’s smu
g assessment.
He snickered. “I’m just saying, you seem happy for Sebastian.”
“I’ll never not be happy for him.” She cleared her lumpy throat. What the fuck with her brother who wouldn’t shut up about Sebastian. Did he really want her to have a breakdown in the middle of this stinky bar? Yeah, probably.
“Let’s take a picture,” her brother said. They looked up and smiled for a selfie.
“Don’t post it though. I’m taking a break from social media.”
He shrugged and said, “I’ll send it to Mom.”
Lakshmi reached over and put her hand over Jaya’s. “Your brother isn’t going to say this directly, but he’s been worried about you. Both of us were. You look amazing, Jaya. Do you feel good? I mean, beyond feeling happy for Sebastian.”
She offered a smile. “I’m great. I’m excited about the new job. I thought I needed to solve everything at FCC, but I’ve done my best. I just wish we were closer to the fundraising goal, though I can’t feel too bad about that. I’m going to pursue something I want without guilt or regret. That’s a form of happiness, right?”
Jaya saw her companions look at each other briefly. Lakshmi reached over and hugged her. She whispered in her ear, “Yes, sweetie, it is. But can you promise me something?”
“What?” Jaya pulled back to look more directly at her future sister-in-law’s face.
“Promise me you won’t punch your brother?”
“Why?” Her brother was grinning as his fiancé held up his phone. It showed the picture of the three of them, Jaya beaming and raising her arms in cheer. She was confused for a moment. What was there to be mad about? Then, she saw it.
The picture was sent to Sebastian. The text was: She cheered so hard I think she peed in her pants.
Nothing, nothing, not even the pleading eyes of the beautiful Lakshmi or the common decency of a public venue would stop Jaya. She was gonna pummel her brother.
CHAPTER 22
“Great write-up at ESPN!” Chris Hoffer said to his new favorite client over lunch.
The Love Campaign (Romantic Revelations Series Book 1) Page 25