by Hannah Gray
“What isn’t?” I grin.
“You know what. Your body. It isn’t even fair.”
“Well, neither is yours, sweetheart,” I answer honestly.
Her body is pure fucking perfection. Every sexy, smooth inch of it.
Standing her up, I pull her bottoms off along with her panties.
Leaning my head toward her hips, I kiss her hip bone. She shudders slightly and grabs a handful of my hair. Pulling it gently.
Kissing my way lower, my lips find the inside of her thigh, and I run my tongue up and down it. I glance up at her to see if she is into this. Her pupils are covering most of the blue in her eyes. Her back is arched.
Hell yeah, she wants this.
As I push my fingers into her, she grinds her hips against me.
Lifting her up by her ass, I bring her right down onto my face, and I devour her with my tongue.
Soft moans grow louder, and her hips begin to move back and forth. Her body chasing down what she wants. But before she can get there, I lift her off of me and set her in my lap.
Grabbing a condom from my nightstand, I roll it over myself. I barely get it fully on before she’s there, sinking down onto me.
When she tosses her head back, her long black hair flows down to the bottom of her back. My hand involuntarily grabs a handful and pulls.
Moaning, she moves even faster. The sight of her bare chest bouncing has me almost coming undone.
“You are so fucking sexy. I love watching you ride me this way,” I growl, pulling her hair back slightly.
She arches her back, and I know by her sounds that she’s close. So fucking close.
Gripping her chin, I make her look at me. “That’s right, baby. Let go. Look me in the eyes while you come.”
My words are all it takes. She unravels within seconds, and it’s one of the most beautiful sights I have ever seen, bringing me right there with her with my own orgasm.
Breathing heavy, we both shiver as we come off of our high and are brought back to reality. Throwing her arms around my neck, she rests against me.
Pressing a kiss to her forehead, I give her a cheesy-ass smile. “Thanks.”
“For what?” She looks up, confused.
“For that. That was pretty fucking awesome.”
She laughs. “I agree. I guess I see what all the fuss is about when it comes to sex.”
At her words, my blood runs cold. “What did you say?”
Realization hits her. Sitting up, she grabs her clothes off the floor. “I mean, sex with you,” she stumbles over her words. She fakes a laugh. “You know, how every girl on campus wants to be with you. I get it now.”
I can tell she’s lying; it’s pretty clear by her body language.
Grabbing her wrist, I can’t stop my voice from rising. “Were you a virgin?”
“Lane, I—”
“Were you a fucking virgin, Memphis?” I roar, causing her to flinch.
Looking down, she doesn’t speak but gives me a weak nod.
Running a hand through my hair, I stand up and pace the room. “What the fuck were you thinking?”
Hurt, followed by anger, crosses her face. “Why does it matter if I haven’t been with anyone else? Or if I had been with five more people or one hundred others?” She yells.
“Holy shit, are you serious?!”
How does she not think this is a big deal?
“Memphis, I told you that this is all I can give you. This”—I motion between us—“is all it will ever be. It won’t go anywhere else. I thought I had made that clear.”
“You did!” She pleads, “I don’t want anything else from you, Lane. Goddammit! I didn’t tell you because I knew you’d freak out and think I was some sort of weirdo. And look! You are freaking out!”
A bitter laugh bubbles up my throat. “Jesus Christ. You really don’t get it, do you? You don’t give your virginity to someone that you’re going to be fuck buddies with! That proves to me that you wanted something more, didn’t you?” I’m being cruel. But I need her to understand that I’m not her Prince Charming. That isn’t me.
Tears stream down her cheeks as she throws her clothes on as quickly as she can. “I don’t want anything more, Lane! I just want to live my life! I am attracted to you, I like you, and I wanted this! Not because I’m looking for a white picket fence, but because there’s just something between us. And this right here”—she points from herself to me—“is hopefully going to solve that need I feel.”
Sitting down at the edge of the bed, I put my head in my hands. “So, you really aren’t looking for more?”
She sits down next to me, placing her small hand on my forearm. “Look, Lane, I do like you. A lot.” Turning my head to the side, I peer at her as she speaks, “Before I actually knew you, I couldn’t stand you or even the idea of you.” Pulling her hand away from my arm, she fiddles with the rings on her fingers. “And then … I don’t know … I guess I just saw another side of you.”
“There is no other side to me. I’m not a good guy.”
She shakes her head angrily. “You aren’t letting me finish. I’m not naive. I understand that we aren’t going to ride off into the sunset together with bottles and cans dragging behind a car. I’m not looking to meet your family.”
Her words surprise me. It’s one thing for me to want those words to be the truth, but it’s another to actually hear them. Some fucked up part inside of me feels disappointed that even she knows we won’t work.
She begins explaining herself again, “I have never had a broken heart, never just gone with the flow. I’ve never impulsively hooked up with someone. Heck, I hadn’t even fooled around much with anyone until you.” She peeks at me through her wet, tear-soaked lashes.
“This isn’t helping, Memphis. You’re only confirming my fears.” Pinching the bridge of my nose, I sigh. “You are going to get attached.”
“You might be right. But it’s a risk that I’m willing to take. I need this.” Her honesty surprises me.
“Why with me though?”
She thinks about it before answering, “Because you make me feel things that I never knew existed.” Wiping her eyes with her sleeve, she looks down at her feet, appearing uncomfortable. “You bring out something in me. It makes me daring and confident. It makes me adventurous and pushes me out of the comfort zone I have lived in for so long.” Resting her head on my shoulder, she sighs. “I’m not ready to lose this feeling yet. Please, just let me have this a little longer. I’m not going to ask you to be my boyfriend or try to persuade you into a future. I just … I’m really enjoying myself.”
This girl. She’s basically asking me what every guy dreams about. Sex with no strings attached. Except I know better—on both our parts. I’m already craving her, and she’s inches away from me. We have a hunger for each other, a hunger that I’m afraid will grow, making us depend solely on each other for survival.
But looking at her, I can’t say no. Because the truth is, she makes me feel things I haven’t felt in years. When she’s around, I feel a stillness I haven’t found in such a long time. It’s like I have this storm that’s constantly raging inside of me, but one look into her eyes, and it dies down.
So, I decide then that we’ll use each other. We’ll use each other and take until we can’t take anymore. And then we will likely end up in ruins, left picking up pieces of ourselves.
She might destroy me. The thing is though, my life has been in ruins for years now.
So, what the hell do I have left to lose?
Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
thirty-six
Memphis
“My sweet girl! I am so happy to see your beautiful face,” my mom says, pulling me in for a hug.
Since John went with Trent on a trip for a few days, she’s been bored, and she wanted to grab lunch. I won’t lie; I am downright exhausted and could have used some serious napping today.
After Lane found out about the whole virginity thing last night and he
got it through his head that I wasn’t naming our future babies or picking out engagement rings, he pulled me down on the bed and told me he wanted to give me sex that was first-time-worthy. He felt as though I had been cheated the first time. He felt bad he hadn’t been gentler or hadn’t made it special. After that, we spent the entire night and well into the morning hours exploring each other, and now, I’m convinced that he might know my own body better than I do.
“Hey, Mom. I’m starving. A big stack of pancakes and some bacon have my name written all over it.” I love this café because they serve breakfast all day. And what’s better than breakfast for lunch on a Saturday?
“You and your pancakes. I think they’ve been your favorite food since you were two years old.” She laughs, her eyes crinkling at the sides. “What kind today, my girl?”
“Chocolate chip. Most definitely.” I had that figured out in the car on my way here.
I follow my mom inside, and luckily, our usual booth next to the window is open. Sliding into each side, we take our jackets off.
“It’s colder than a fart from a dead Eskimo,” I say, rubbing my hands together. “Why is it so cold today? It’s almost springtime, for Christ’s sake. I’m ready for some warm weather.”
“I know,” my mom answers, completely unfazed. “Speaking of warm weather, John’s been talking about buying a house in Florida. Somewhere on a beach.” Her eyes widen, and she gives me a huge smile.
“Is that where he is this weekend?” I ask, taking a sip of the coffee the waitress brought us. We come here enough that, now, they just know what we want to drink. It’s pretty great.
She nods, picking up her own cup and holding it for heat. “He and Trent flew down to look at a few places. He’d asked me to go, but then I put the feeler out there that maybe it would be a nice thing for them to do.” She chuckles. “I think he was nervous to ask Trent at first, scared of being rejected, but to his surprise, Trent said yes.”
“That’s good. Hopefully, it all goes smoothly for them.” I’m sure it will.
Although, watching Trent and John, it’s not hard to see that there is still some friction there. Mostly on Trent’s end. I think even though John has worked so hard to make it up to his son for being an absolute dickwad for years, Trent still has trouble forgetting the past. I can’t blame him, but I’m happy to see them moving forward.
After we order, my mom leans in, and her eyes glimmer with excitement. “Anything new with you, my favorite daughter?”
My stomach drops out of my ass. Has she heard something? I play it cool. “I’m your only daughter,” I answer, rolling my eyes.
She shrugs. “You’re still my favorite. But don’t you try to avoid my question, Memphis Lee Montgomery. You seem very … glowy today.”
“Glowy?” I arch an eyebrow. “Is glowy a word?”
“Don’t you hide behind your sarcasm. Fill me in,” she pushes.
“Nothing new here, Mom. Sorry,” I lie through my teeth. I can’t tell her and put her in the position to lie to John and Trent. Besides, I don’t think my mother wants to hear that I have a … fuck buddy.
“Mmhmm. Okay, little lady. Whatever you say.” She gives me a knowing look.
“So,” I say, changing the subject, “Target run after this?”
Target is basically a must every time my mom and I hang out. Then, we both spend a solid thirty minutes in the section with the one-dollar stuff, buying junk we don’t need. It’s an addiction.
Peering over her coffee cup, she winks. “Obviously.”
“Oh … my … bitch,” Ava yells as I open the door to the apartment. “Where have you been?!”
“I met my mom for lunch,” I say, monotone.
With one hand on her hip, she narrows her eyes. “I meant, last night. I got one measly text, saying, Don’t wait up.”
Grabbing a bottle of water, I sit down in one of the stools at our kitchen bar.
My mind begins to ponder what story I could craft, but before I can put it into words, Ava says, “Don’t even dare lie to me, you dirty, dirty girl.” She says it as a joke with a sneaky smile on her face.
“I was with Lane,” I say, taking a sip of my water, trying to appear nonchalant.
I feel her eyes burning into my head. I turn toward her and almost spit my water everywhere when I see her facial expression.
“I knew it! He stayed here the night he gave us a ride home from the party too, didn’t he?” she asks, connecting all the dots.
Fortunately, our rooms are on opposite ends of the apartment, so she didn’t hear us. And she was gone at her job at Coffee Hut well before we woke up since we slept in so late. How she didn’t notice his truck, I have no idea. Then, I remember he had to park farther away because Ava’s car and mine were there.
As for the other times he snuck over, I lucked out because Ava wasn’t home since she has been working crazy hours.
“He did. So what? No big deal. Calm your dramatic Broadway ass down.”
Her mouth hangs agape. “You are totally going to lose your virginity to one of the hottest guys on campus. Possibly the state. Maybe even the country!”
Of course she says this when I’m mid-drink. I choke on my water as it sprays out of my nose. Coughing, I shake my head. “You are crazy.”
She places her hands on my shoulders, her eyes the size of dinner plates, and a huge-ass grin spreads across her face. “Oh Mylanta! You already did, didn’t you?! You little slut!”
“Already … did … what?” I pretend to be confused, though I’m sure I just look like an idiot.
Pulling her hand back, she flicks me off. “Oh, would you cut the shit already? You totally gave him your V-card.”
“Dude. You are so annoying. I lost my virginity. Big whoop. I’m twenty-freaking-two years old. I had to lose it at some point.” I downplay it even though I know it’s a very big deal.
“Um,” she blurts out, “it’s Lane flipping Rivers!”
“I’m aware,” I answer sarcastically.
An ear-piercing squeal fills my ears. Grabbing me, Ava jumps up and down. “You lost your virginity! I am so proud of you!”
Confusion must fill my face because before I respond, Ava answers herself, “I don’t mean it like that. It’s just … you’ve been going to a few parties lately, you allowed yourself to drink the other night, and now, you are sleeping with the campus bad boy. It seems like you are finally living your life, girlfriend.”
“I mean, I guess so. I don’t know. I’m sure it makes me look like an idiot, but for some reason, Aves, I can’t stop.”
Rubbing her hand across my back, she gives me a reassuring smile. “It’s okay to just live sometimes. Even if sleeping with him ends up being a mistake, maybe it’s a good mistake to make.”
I nod. “Maybe.”
“Besides, maybe you’ll be the girl to change him, making him a one-lady man,” she says optimistically.
I shake my head, debating on if I should even tell her about our little arrangement. Then, I realize that she’s my best friend, so keeping things from her isn’t fair.
“He won’t change,” I mutter.
“How can you be so sure?”
“Because he made me promise that if we slept together, I wouldn’t expect more.” When I look back at what he said, a weak laugh escapes me. “I had to basically beg him to have sex with me. And then he made me swear over and over again that I wouldn’t get attached.”
She’s quiet for a while. I peek over at her to find her staring off into space, the wheels in her head clearly turning.
“What are you thinking about?” I ask.
“He cares about you. At first glance, it would be easy to say he was a dick and wanted to get in your pants, but that isn’t it.”
Frowning, I ask, “Why do you say that?”
“Because he made you promise you wouldn’t get attached to him. He was worried that you would and that he’d hurt you. He cares.”
I snort. “Or he just didn’t want to
deal with someone acting like a crazy stalker girlfriend.”
Her head shakes vigorously. “No, it’s more than that. I can feel it.”
I shrug.
I am not going to go down that rabbit hole. Soon, I’ll be imagining that he likes me more than he does, and then I’ll do what I swore I wouldn’t do—get attached. I need to take what Ava is suggesting with a grain of salt and respect the agreement that Lane and I came to on our own. We are basically using each other until one of us can no longer separate having sex from actual feelings. In the end, he’ll likely be the one to walk away from me. This isn’t a Nicholas Sparks novel. There won’t be a happy ending when it comes to the pair of us. But I am confident that this will help me be ready for the person who I do get my happily ever after with in the future. I will learn from this. I will grow from this. And most important of all, I will find myself in this.
A smile creeps across my face. There’s one place we love to go, especially on weekends. Mostly to people-watch. “Let’s go to The Atlantic.”
“Yaaas, girl!” she yells out, pumping her fist in the air.
thirty-seven
Lane
Monday morning comes around, and I’m getting ready for class when my cell phone rings, displaying my mom’s name on the screen. I can’t answer the phone fast enough. I’ve called multiple times a day to check for results from the doctor, but they haven’t heard anything yet.
“Mom, did you find out something?”
She tries to hide her sobs as she talks into the phone, “Honey, I think you should fly home. If you can.”
My heart sinks in my chest, and I feel like I’m going to puke. “What did they say, Mom? Just tell me now.”
“Lane—”
“No! I’ll still come home—you know I will. But I can’t go that whole flight home, thinking the worst. I can’t.”
“They are still running tests. But they are—” More sobs come through the phone. “They are seventy-five percent sure that he has Lou Gehrig’s disease.”
I sink down on the edge of my bed. “ALS? Fucking A.” My head spins, and breathing becomes impossible. I feel like I’m having a panic attack.