by Hannah Gray
Just then, Mrs. Dillion walks back into the room. Cueing them all to nod. She’s a hard-ass. When she’s in the room, the students don’t dare give me an ounce of a hard time even if all I am is a student teacher.
Gathering my things, I look over at Mrs. Dillion. “Is there anything else I can do today?”
She shakes her head. “No, you’re doing great with your teachings. And I must say, it’s nice to have a break. Have a wonderful weekend, Memphis.”
I smile. “Thanks. You too.”
Ava has to work the entire weekend, and Lane left for Michigan last Tuesday. I’ve sent him a few messages, just letting him know that I’m here if he needs to talk. I want him to know that I do care without coming off like a stage-five clinger. He’s answered the messages but only with one- or two-worded responses.
forty
Lane
Sitting in my parents’ living room, I nod and attempt to smile at my dad’s stories as he tries to talk like everything’s normal. As if it’s just another day, like any other. Only, it isn’t. No day has been exactly the same since the day the doctors said the letters ALS.
I hear the door open. Landon and his very pregnant wife, Eden, walk in shortly after, hand in hand, both appearing like they’ve aged five years in less than two weeks.
Landon grips my shoulder and takes a seat next to me on the couch while Eden hugs my dad, followed by my mom. She’s been in the family so long now that she’s one of us.
My younger brother, Logan, hasn’t gone far from our dad either. Today though, he has to do some online work for his classes, so he’s locked himself up in his old bedroom.
Luckily, I only have one class right now, and that class is a breeze. Most people wouldn’t think it, but I’m actually pretty smart when it comes to school. I hate the stigma that goes with football players. Everyone thinks that just because we play ball and they treat us like royalty that things like grades are given to us. I mean, sure, maybe certain professors who are fans of the team mark an A when perhaps it’s a D. But school has always come sort of easy to me. That’s probably why the first three years, I could get drunk four or five nights a week and still keep up in my classes. Besides, if I wasn’t able to make it into class, you’d better believe there was always a jersey chaser eager and ready to take notes for me. As long as she could deliver them by hand.
Seeing Landon with Eden only makes me think of Memphis more. I know for the past few weeks, she’s started to actually lead the classes instead of just assisting the teacher. Her eyes light up whenever she talks about her internship at the high school. She loves it. And it makes me happy for her. She deserves any kind of happiness thrown her way.
She’s sent me a few messages, just checking in. I’ve just been too in my own head to respond much.
“Where’s Ella?” I ask Landon. She’s kept us all smiling through everything with my dad.
“She’s over at Eden’s parents’ house.” He lowers his voice to ensure my dad doesn’t hear him. “It’s too hard to explain why Papa isn’t feeling that great.” His eyes grow distant.
He loves his daughter more than life itself. I know he’s worried how she will take it if anything happens to our dad, her papa.
I give him a knowing nod. “How’s Eden been feeling? The due date’s getting closer. You pick out a name?”
“Only five more weeks, so your brother had better get his ass moving and get her nursery together,” Eden speaks to me but glances at my brother.
He’s a bit of a procrastinator when it comes to home projects. He’s so damn busy with his own business that I’m sure it’s hard to find the time.
“Emma Mae. That’s her name,” he answers proudly.
“Jackass! You weren’t supposed to tell anyone. I wanted to tell them in a, you know, exciting way!”
Getting up, he kisses her cheek. “Shit. Sorry, babe.” Turning toward all of us, he holds his hands up. “Surprise!”
“Emma Mae.” I grin. “I can’t wait to meet her.”
The draft is tomorrow. And to say I’m close to shitting my pants because I’m so nervous would be no exaggeration.
It couldn’t have come at a worse time either. The last thing I should be thinking about is football. My dad is sick, for Christ’s sake. But my parents, being the way they are, insisted on having a small party here. With just our family.
At this point, I don’t even care where I get drafted—or if I get drafted at all. Because my dad is sick and I’m not going to up and leave him. But I guess we will cross that bridge when we get there. I’ll move my parents to wherever I get drafted to, if they’ll let me. I’ll be in the NFL, so I’ll be able to afford the world’s top care for my father.
I wish I could take his place. It should be me. I can’t help but think that it’s my fault to begin with that he’s in this position at all. God is punishing me and using my dad to do it.
It’s hard to see the bright and shiny things in life when you’ve lived through so many horrible things. Horrible things that happen to the best kind of people.
Memphis is a bright light in this world. She’s sunshine and summer days and everything good in life. Her being around me will only bring her down. I’m toxic, and I’ll end up ruining her. And the thought of hurting her is unbearable. The trouble is, she’s quickly becoming my oxygen.
forty-one
Lane
Ending the phone call, I look around the room at my entire family. Every single eye is wide and watching me.
“Well?” Landon says, pacing back and forth in my parents’ living room, like he has been for the past hour.
Looking back down at my phone, I try to figure out if I’m dreaming or if this is real fucking life. “It was the Tampa Bay Buccaneers,” I answer, not believing the words coming out of my mouth.
“And?” Logan says, both hands resting on his head.
I gaze around at everyone before my eyes land on my dad. Who is sitting in his recliner, nervously waiting for what I’m going to tell him.
“And … they want me to be their newest running back.” As I say the words, I feel like I might faint.
This is what I have worked for most of my life. This is what I ate, slept, and drank, growing up—the idea of being in the NFL.
I made it. I really fucking made it.
My dad stands up, wiping his eyes. So far, his diagnosis is so new that he can still go about his normal life. For now anyway. We know with ALS, it won’t take long before his body stops allowing him to do what he usually does.
Putting his arms around me, he pulls me in for a hug and pounds my back a few times. “I am so damn proud of you, Lane.” Pulling back, he looks at me. “A lifetime’s worth of proud. Do you hear me?”
Unable to answer, I give him a weak nod. I couldn’t have gotten here without his love and support. The idea of finally running out onto that field in Tampa Bay and him not being alive to watch me makes this dream seem like it was for nothing.
Everyone takes their turn in congratulating me, and even though I initially wanted to spend this day with the guys back at campus, I’m so happy to be here with my family. They know every secret from my past, and they have never stopped loving me.
Back when I found out that NEU wanted me and was offering me a full athletic scholarship, I almost didn’t come. I wanted to be a high school dropout because finishing out my school year and seeing all of those faces at Littleton High judging me were too much.
Not to mention, I didn’t think I even deserved to chase my dreams. But my parents and brothers were there, constantly pushing me to believe that I needed to do this. They picked me up when I was at my lowest.
Taking my phone back out, I message the guys. I talked with them earlier on the phone to congratulate Trent, who was the first pick in the first round of the draft. Just like I had known he would be. He got picked up by the New England Patriots, which, ironically, was the only place Trent wanted to play.
Mason got picked in the first round as well, only
to the New York Giants. They are lucky bastards to have him. He’s hands down one of the best wide receivers I have ever witnessed play.
After the combine, I knew I was likely going to be drafted. But honestly, I didn’t expect to get chosen in the first round. Yet here I am, round one, eleventh pick.
It will be different, not playing alongside my boys at NEU. I’ve been with them for four years now. We’re family.
And Coach, fuck, I’ll miss that man. I’m lucky to have played for him during my time at NEU. He taught me so many things about the game. I’m twice the player I was when I first got to college, all because of that man.
My phone rings. Looking down, I see Memphis’s name on the screen. She’s never called me before, so this is new.
“Hello?” I answer, walking into a vacant room.
“Guess you’d better get your shorts and T-shirts ready, huh, big boy?” Even through the phone, I can tell she’s smiling. “Congratulations, handsome. You’re finally escaping the shitty weather.”
I should be pissed. Something like this isn’t in our type of relationship. We aren’t supposed to call and congratulate each other. But I’m not mad at all. In fact, hearing her sweet voice through the phone makes this all that more exciting.
“Thanks, beautiful. I can’t say I’m going to miss my dick shriveling up from the constant zero-degree temps.”
“Oh … is that what was wrong with it?” she says seriously. “It was cold?”
“Ha-ha-ha. Very funny,” I say sarcastically. “We all know it’s the furthest thing from shriveled up when you’re around.”
“Hmm … whatever you say,” she jokes back. But I know damn well she isn’t serious. “Anyway, I’ll let you get back to celebrating. I just wanted to congratulate you.”
Suddenly, a wave of disappointment washes over me. It surprises me when I grasp that I wish she were here during this big moment. I’d give anything to hug her and kiss her soft lips. To see her blue eyes looking up at me like I’m the only man in the world. That’s how she always looks at me. It should scare me, but I’m beginning to understand that it doesn’t.
“Thanks for calling, Memphis. It, uh … means a lot.”
“You’re welcome, Lane. Talk to you later.”
“Bye,” I say.
“Bye.”
I end the call. Looking around the empty room I’m standing in, I fathom just how far this girl has dug herself into my soul. These feelings I have for her, they’re continuing to grow. To something I haven’t felt in years. And even though I have felt love before, this time, it’s … different. I’m not saying it’s bigger. But it’s not the same either.
Another realization hits me as well. The nightmares have stopped lately. And I know she’s the one responsible for that.
forty-two
Lane
I made it back to Massachusetts this morning after spending time with my family. As painful as it was to be there, knowing what we know now about Dad’s sickness, it was needed. We all understand that time right now isn’t on our side and that we need to soak up every second we can with him.
My Uber pulls up in front of my house the same time Mason and Trent are getting back from a run. I walk in the front door, Mason and Trent following close behind.
“Why didn’t you call? I could have picked you up so that you didn’t have to take an Uber,” Mason says.
“I figured you guys had class today or workouts to get in. It was no big deal to take an Uber. I didn’t mind.”
Mason nods. “Next time, call, and we’ll pick you up. How is your dad doing?”
Sitting down on one of the barstools, I sigh. “As well as can be expected, I guess.”
“We’re here for you, Rivers,” Trent says, patting my arm. “Whatever you need.”
Trent isn’t a guy who likes to show a lot of emotion. The fact that he treats me like family and I’m lying to him is a disgrace. The secrets end. Right now.
“Thanks, brother,” I say. “Can I talk to you about something?”
Mason’s in the refrigerator, as always.
Trent nods. “Of course.”
I rub the back of my neck. The words don’t want to come out. Fuck, this is uncomfortable. “So, yeah… I’m going to cut to the chase. I’ve been … seeing Memphis.”
Trent’s eyebrows pull together slightly. “Memphis, as in—”
“Carla’s daughter,” I cut him off.
“Dude, are you fucking serious?” Trent says through clenched teeth, taking a few steps toward me.
I don’t miss Mason behind him, eavesdropping and loving every second of it.
“I am.” I run a hand over the top of my head. “I know it comes as a shock. But it just sort of … happened.”
“Did it happen more than once?” Mason grins from behind him. Once Trent turns around, giving him a hard glare, his smile disappears as he coughs on his apple. “Sorry, Cap. My bad.”
Turning back toward me, Trent narrows his eyes. “When did this start?”
I cringe. “Look, I—”
“When?” he roars.
“Halloween night is the first time we ever hung out. I didn’t know her name or who she was though. And she left in the middle of the night. I didn’t see her again for months,” I explain.
“So, what made you reconnect then? I don’t get it,” Trent asks, confused. And annoyed.
“When she brought those papers here,” I answer, cringing. “I recognized her from a party we’d had. Some assholes had been giving her and her friend a hard time, and I’d stepped in. But it wasn’t until I learned her name and searched her on Facebook that I remembered she was also the girl from Halloween night. Only, on Halloween, she’d had a wig on, so I didn’t recognize her when she dropped the papers off.”
I still can’t believe I didn’t know it was her the entire time. Wow, I’m an idiot.
“So, what?” Trent shakes his head. “You’ve been sneaking around since then?”
“Yeah, off and on. I didn’t tell you because I had no intention of it going anywhere,” I say, dragging a hand over my face. “You guys know I had some bad stuff happen my senior year. But because I’ve never told you the entire story, I don’t think you understand how truly fucked up my head is.” I look down, ashamed. “I have demons, guys. And they run fucking deep.”
They know there was an accident and that I lost someone very special to me. But I’ve never told them the extent of the guilt that I carry. They don’t know the role I played that night.
“You can tell us anything, man. We’re family,” Mason says, gripping my shoulder.
I decide right then to fill them in on everything and how it’s made me the way I am. That I didn’t always just want to pound shots until I couldn’t stand up. Or to push people away who cared about me. It won’t be easy to relive that day. But they deserve the truth.
I watch their faces as I finish telling them the story. And how some people who loved Abby placed the blame on me. Driving me out of my hometown, Littleton.
Staring off into space, Trent finally nods slowly. “I’m sorry. You could have told us sooner. We would have helped you in any way we could.”
I glance between the pair of them. “You guys have helped me without even knowing it. I know I don’t always make it easy. But thanks for sticking by me.”
“Thanks for telling us, brother.” Mase tips his chin up. “I know it wasn’t easy.”
Trent’s eyebrows furrow. “So, what? You and Memphis are now a couple or some shit?”
I shrug. “I have no idea what we are. But I know I care more about that girl than I have anyone or anything in years.”
“Dude. There are, like, thousands of other girls at NEU. You had to pick the girl who’s basically my fucking stepsister,” he groans.
“I’m sorry.” I lean back against the counter. “But something about being back home and with my parents made me comprehend how much I care about her.” Looking at Trent, I tell him honestly, “I don’t know if we�
�re going to actually give this thing a shot or anything like that. But I couldn’t continue with it, knowing I was keeping it from my boys.”
He scratches the side of his neck. “How the fuck am I going to be mad at you when you bring up your family shit?” Looking down, he shakes his head. “Just don’t make it awkward for me. Got it?”
I grin, pulling him in for a hug, which he tries to fight. “You and Mase are my best fucking friends. I didn’t want to lie to either of you anymore.”
When he pushes me away, his forehead creases. “I don’t fucking like this. Not one bit. But you are family, and you’re going through a world of hurt with your dad. If she makes you happy, I’m not going to stand in your way.”
Finishing his apple, Mason stands next to Trent. “So, here’s the thing,” he says before throwing his apple across the room, landing it in the trash can. “You and Memphis are like brother and sister. So, if Lane marries Memphis, that will make him your brother-in-law.” He pouts, and I don’t even think it’s fake. “That’s not fair.”
“Holy fuck. Who mentioned marriage?” I say. “You are being a big pussy.” I can’t contain my laughter.
You can always count on Mason for a good laugh even if it’s at his own expense.
I feel much lighter now. The secrets I was hiding from these guys no longer weigh me down. Now, there’s only one thing I want to do next.
Kiss Memphis’s beautiful lips.
Memphis
Putting away the last armful of books in my return stack at the library, I sigh. I haven’t been working here as much since I started my student teaching. I know it makes me a nerd, but even so, I love it here.
Grabbing my messenger bag, I say my good-byes to the two head librarians and clock out.