"Thank you, Mrs. Hart." The doctor patted her arm. "I can't imagine what you are going through. I'm so very sorry for your loss. Gary was a good man." The doctor spoke quietly to one of the nurses then headed from the room.
"Does everyone here know my husband?" she asked no one in particular.
"Like Lacey said, he was well-liked here in the emergency department. I imagine many people in Virginia Beach feel the same way. He will be missed. I want you to know he spoke of you and your boys often," another nurse said. "Do you need a minute with him before they take him to the OR? It's okay if you do."
She nodded, nowhere near ready to say goodbye. "Thank you."
Eleanor sat in the chair by the bed, holding Gary's hand in hers and resting her cheek against his still heart, begging silently for it all to be a dream. Any minute now he'd open his eyes and tell her he loved her. But he didn't reach for her or tug one of her loose strands of hair like he'd done since they were kids. He didn't kiss the tip of her nose and tell he loved her. She sat there as the room around her slowly emptied and Gary's natural ruddiness faded completely away. Eleanor hugged Gary's still form, unable to let him go. Somehow, maybe if she hugged him hard enough, he'd come back to her.
"Why?" she whispered, the only answer the swish and hum of the machines keeping his organs alive. "You promised me forever. Don't you remember? Standing up there, on the top of that little hill, you gave me a ring and promised to love me forever." She smacked the edge of the mattress. "It's not forever yet, damn it!"
She collapsed against his chest, more tears pouring from her eyes.
They'd built a life together. They had plans. "It's not fair," she sobbed, praying for one more touch, one more word from the man she'd sworn forever to.
"Ellie?" Sometime later she heard the familiar voice and felt the gentle touch on her shoulder. "Come on, Ellie. Let me take you home."
"No."
Vivian wrapped an arm around her shoulders. "I'm so sorry, Ellie. Come on, let's let them do what they need to do. Gary's gone, honey."
She shook her head. "No. He can't be gone."
Vivian pulled her in to a hug, patting her on the back. "I'm so sorry, El."
Eleanor stepped back. "Everyone keeps saying they're sorry. What does that mean, exactly? Sorry, we couldn't save your husband's life? Sorry I'm going to have to live the rest of my life without the love of my life? Somehow sorry just doesn't seem to cut it."
"No, I don't suppose it does." Vivian pulled her into another hug and this time Eleanor let her.
Her tears soaked Vivian's shoulder as she clung to her best friend. "I heard it, Viv. I heard the whole thing."
"I know, sweetie. I know." Vivian squeezed her tighter. "I'm so sorry you had to hear that."
Eleanor stepped back, wiping at her eyes. "I have to call the boys. They need to come home."
Vivian patted her hand. "Wait until morning. Let them sleep. Tomorrow is going to be a long day for them. For all of you."
She nodded and let her friend lead her from the room. They were quiet on the way home. Vivian used one hand to steer the car and held Eleanor's hand in the other. As they pulled in to the driveway, the sky had just begun to lighten. A hint of pink sat on the eastern horizon announcing the start of the first day of her life without Gary in it.
Never again would he kiss her goodbye as he left for work. She'd never again hear him call her his beautiful girl. The house felt cold as they walked through the door, almost like it knew Gary's warmth was gone from it forever.
Eleanor went to the kitchen and filled the tea kettle, setting it on the stove to heat. Vivian stood in the doorway, watching.
"Tea?" she asked her friend.
Vivian nodded. "Sure. I'll make it, though." She walked over to the cabinet where the tea bags were and pulled out a box. "Why don't you sit down. You have to be exhausted."
Eleanor sat on one of the stools by the breakfast bar. The seat shifted slightly. Gary had promised her he'd tighten the screws on the that weeks ago. "What am I supposed to do now? I don't even know where to begin." She rested her head on her folded arms on the counter.
"You'll figure it out as you go. And you have me and Antonio and Mari and Ricky to help you."
Eleanor looked at the calendar on the wall by the pantry. All of Gary's overtime shifts for the month of November were written in his neat, block lettering in black ink. Gary always used black ink.
"He wasn't supposed to be working last night."
"What do you mean?" Vivian asked.
Eleanor waved toward the calendar. "There's nothing on the calendar for the thirteenth."
Vivian wrapped an arm around her shoulders and hugged her. "Sweetie, today is the thirteenth."
Eleanor looked at the calendar again. "Oh."
The tea kettle whistled. She watched as Vivian filled two mugs with the steaming water. When her friend set one of the mugs in front of her, a tear leaked slowly from the corner of her eye. It was the A+ Teacher cup Gary had given her for Christmas the year before. Wiping at her cheek, she picked it up and held it tightly. The hot mug felt good in her icy fingers. There'd be no Gary with them this Christmas.
Eleanor sighed. "We never discussed this. It felt like we were tempting the fates. Now I have no idea what he would have wanted."
Vivian rubbed her back gently. "We'll figure it out. You knew Gary better than anyone in the world."
A single tear escaped the corner of her right eye. "You said knew, not know. It's really real, isn't it, Viv?"
"I'm afraid so, sweetie."
"I keep thinking this is all a bad dream. That Gary will walk through that door any minute now and wake me up trying to be quiet as he gets into bed." Ellie smiled. "That man was like a bull in a china shop, no matter how hard he tried not to make any noise."
Vivian laughed. "It's hard to be graceful when you're as tall as he was."
"Yeah. I guess so." Eleanor took a sip of her tea. "He was like a big teddy bear. My own teddy bear and now he's gone." She inhaled slowly, trying to keep from crying once more.
Vivian hugged her. "Gary was a good husband. The very best father. I know you are going to miss him like crazy."
Early morning light filled the kitchen as they sat there, talking and crying. As the clock turned to seven, Eleanor took out her phone and dialed her son Jackson's phone number.
"Mom, it's early. Even for you." Jackson's voice was heavy with sleep.
"Wake your brother up. I need to talk to both of you." Jackson and his twin brother Jameson shared a dorm room so at least she only had to do this once.
"What's wrong? Is Dad okay?" She could hear the worry in his voice. It probably should have surprised her that he assumed that was why she called but it didn't. Her son was wise for his age.
"Please, just wake your brother up."
"Okay, hold on. Jameson! Mom's on the phone. She needs to tell us something."
"Hi, Mom, are you okay?" Jameson had always been a very sound sleeper, even as a baby but he sounded wide awake now. "Is Dad okay?"
"Boys—" she paused, her tongue suddenly feeling too big for her mouth.
"Mom?" Jameson said.
"It's your father. There was a—shooting last night."
"Is he okay?" Jackson asked.
"He responded to a call to help another officer and when he got there, the suspect open fire on him. He was hurt very badly. He tried to fight but—I'm so sorry, boys. He didn't make it."
By the time she finished talking, the tears were in full swing again.
"We are leaving in ten minutes, Mom. We'll be there before noon." Jackson, her strong, stoic son had switched into his get it done mode. Jameson wore his heart on his sleeve. She could hear him crying and cursing in the background. He would need his brother's strength.
"Please be careful. I'd die if something happened to the two of you."
"Don't worry, Mom. I'm okay. We will see you in a few hours. I love you." Jackson ended the call.
"That was the
hardest thing I've ever had to do," Eleanor said, setting her phone on the counter top. "Jameson is a mess."
"Jackson's driving though, right?" Vivian asked.
She nodded. "Yes."
"Good. He'll keep it together until they get home safely." Vivian picked up their empty mugs and set them in the dishwasher. "What can I do for you now?"
"You can go home."
"What?" Vivian looked hurt.
"I'm okay. I need a shower and then I'm going to take a little nap before the boys get here. Antonio's got to be a mess right now. Go to him. Tell him thank you for taking care of Gary."
"He told me to stay with you."
She gave Vivian a hug. "You are an amazing friend. And I am going to need you like crazy in the next few days, but right now, I think I just want to be alone for a bit."
"If you're sure?" Vivian looked uncertain, torn between her loyalty to her friend and desire to be with her husband.
Eleanor nodded. "I'm sure. Give him a hug for me. Tell him I know he did everything he could and I'm sorry I blamed him."
"Okay. But I can come back later. Call me if you need anything. I mean it, Ellie. Anything. Even if it’s just a bottle of tequila and a half gallon of rocky road."
They walked to the front door. "I will. I promise. Come back later with a lot of wine. I don't think tequila is the best option right now but I'm definitely going to need something."
"You got it, girlfriend." Vivian squeezed her tight. "I love you."
"I love you too, Viv. Thank you for being here for me."
She waited until Vivian was in her car before closing and locking the door behind her. Eleanor grabbed her cell phone and headed to the master bathroom. She'd left the light on in her bedroom. The covers lay twisted on her side of the bed. Gary's side looked as empty as she felt. Passing the bed, she went to the bathroom and flipped the switch on the wall. The room flooded in warm, artificial light giving her the first look at herself in the mirror since the night before. She sucked in a breath at the sight of the dark red and brown stains on the front of her sweatshirt. A matching smear on her the side of her chin.
Blood.
Gary's blood.
For about the hundredth time since eleven forty-seven the night before, she cried.
Removing the sweatshirt and dropping it to the floor, she then kicked off her shoes and pulled off her jeans. Turning on the water in the shower, she waited for it to warm up. As steam filled the bathroom, she grabbed a tissue and blew her nose. The tears still ran, even as she stood under the stream of the shower head.
When she reached for her body wash, she accidentally grabbed Gary's. The fresh, familiar scent of Old Spice wrapped around her like a hug as she squeezed some into her shower scrubber. A new round of tears fell as she lathered the soap and imagined Gary wrapping his arms around her instead.
As she rinsed her body and watched as the suds ran down the drain, she remembered the last time she'd seen Gary the day before. She'd been half drunk on margaritas and girl talk as he pinned her to the door and kissed her. If she'd known it was the last time he'd hold her or kiss her, she'd have made it last so much longer.
A sudden thought struck her.
This was all her fault.
She'd been so busy having a good time with her girlfriends, she'd broken their routine.
"Damn it, Gary! Why didn't you tell me to help you?" She leaned against the back of the shower and slowly slid down the cold tiles to the floor of the tub. Pulling her knees up to her chest, she rested her forehead on them and let the tears flow just like the water into the drain. When she felt like she couldn't spare another drop of salty tear water, she screamed until her throat went hoarse. Picking up a shampoo bottle she threw it at the opposite wall. "We were supposed to grow old together!"
She sat there until the water ran as cold as her heart felt.
She turned off the water and sat there, huddled on the bottom of the shower with her arms wrapped around her knees. The steam slowly dissipated and goose flesh rose on her body as the temperature of the air cooled.
"How am I supposed to do this without you? Damn it, Gary! You promised me you'd be safe!"
More tears poured from her eyes. She picked up Gary's shower gel and poured it down the drain. "Not like you're gonna need this anymore. Or this." She grabbed his shaving cream and held down the button until every last bit of foam came up. When the can began to spit, she threw it at the wall. A tiny crack formed in the tile it hit, as the can dropped to the drain.
From downstairs she heard the doorbell ring but she had no intention of answering it. Pulling herself up off the floor, Eleanor opened the shower door and grabbed a towel. As she dried herself, she caught sight of the clothes she'd stripped off earlier. The smell of drying blood made her gag.
Wadding them up into a ball, she stuffed them into a trash bag she found under the sink, then stuffed the bag back into the cabinet.
As she pulled on a pair of black leggings and one of Gary's old t-shirts, she heard the doorbell ring once more. The sound echoed through the too empty house. Instead of going to the door, she climbed into her bed and pulled Gary's pillow to her. His scent lingered, summoning a fresh round of tears as she hugged it to her heart.
Chapter Two
Vivian
"Antonio! Are you home?" Vivian pushed the front door open and stepped into the house. Her husband's patrol car sat on the street in front of the house so she knew he had to be there but she'd learned a long time ago to announce herself when she entered the house. He'd been on the job long enough that his cop instincts often took over without him realizing it. Especially if he got woken from a sound sleep.
"In here," he called from the family room.
She followed his voice to the back of the house and found him sitting on the sofa, still in uniform. He held the remote control in his left hand and a beer in his right. His duty belt hung over the coffee table in front of him. On any other day, the sight of his gear slung across the furniture would have burned her up but this morning it comforted her. It meant Antonio had survived the night. Her relief stirred up an overwhelming feeling of guilt.
The television was tuned to the local news but the volume had been muted. Blue lights flashed on the screen and the headline read Local Officer Gunned Down in Cold Blood. A picture of Gary flashed across the screen, fanning the flame of guilt at her relief that Antonio was alive.
She sat beside him on the sofa and watched as he took a long drink from the bottle he held.
"How's Ellie?"
"Worried about you." Vivian took the remote from him, then wrapped her fingers in her husband's. Resting her head on his shoulder, she fiddled with his badge with her other hand, trying to ignore the spots of blood on his shirt. "How're you holding up?"
He shrugged. "Fine. It's part of the job, Viv. People die. When your number's up, it's up."
His lack of emotion scared her. Antonio usually bottled things up and pretended they didn't exist but this was different.
"People do die, yes. But your best friend was just ambushed in front of you. He nearly died in your arms. That’s not the same thing."
Antonio pushed her aside and stood up. He ran his fingers through his hair, making it look as wild as the expression in his eyes. "Fuck, Viv! What do you want me to do? Cry? Punch a wall?"
Vivian stood up too. "If you have to! Scream. Yell. Throw the remote control! You don't have to be the strong one all the time."
"I need a shower." He stormed off down the hall, stopping in the kitchen for another beer on the way. The bedroom door slammed so hard the pictures on the wall in the living room shook. At least he was showing some kind of response. Anger was an emotion she could work with. It meant he wasn't as strong as he wanted everyone to think though, and that would make her husband feel vulnerable. Which would just piss him off. The next few days were going to be tough.
Resisting the urge to follow Antonio, she went to the laundry room instead and put a load of laundry in the wa
sher. After that, she loaded and started the dishwasher, wiped down all the counters, mopped the kitchen floor, and vacuumed the rugs. No matter how hard she wiped or scrubbed or vacuumed, she couldn't rid her mind of the image of Gary, cold and still with Eleanor wrapped around him sobbing. The shower shut off just as she put the vacuum in the closet.
"Vivian!"
"What?" she yelled back.
"Can you bring me another beer?"
At least he sounded less anxious. She grabbed a bottle out of the refrigerator and walked to the bedroom. Antonio lay on his back, on top of the comforter completely naked with the ceiling fan on. He had his eyes closed and his arms straight out beside him.
"What are you doing?"
He lifted his head to look at her. His eyes were red and swollen. "Air drying my junk. What's it look like?"
Vivian crawled onto the bed next to him, laying on her back as well. "Here's your beer. Maybe you should take a break after this since you work tonight?"
He reached for the bottle. "Not working. Sarge said I needed a night off."
"He's right."
Antonio sat up and opened the beer, taking a long swig off the bottle. "I should be out there, getting that asshole off the street."
She sat up too. "You mean he's not in custody?"
Antonio shook his head. "Fucker took off. The guys lost sight of him a couple blocks down. I should have shot him when I had the chance."
"It's not your fault he got away."
"It's my fault he got those shots off. If I hadn't been such a fucking pussy, he'd have been dead before Gary even got there. Instead, I tried to reason with an armed psycho." He finished the bottle and slammed it down on the nightstand. "I fucked up, Viv. I was supposed to have his back and I didn't. Now Gary's dead and I could have done something to stop it."
Her big, strong, insurmountable husband looked defeated and crumpled. Vivian crawled over and straddled his lap. Taking his face in her hands, she said, "Now, you listen to me. It is not your fault. There's no way you could have known that this was going to happen."
Antonio's head fell back against the pillows. His hands gripped her hips. "I froze, baby. I froze." He leaned in, resting his forehead against her chest, letting out a long breath. "I froze."
The Line That Binds Page 3