Hope blossoms on Gabriel’s face, indicating his pleasure at a narrow escape, but Kerry waits for the blow. When Beth speaks again, Kerry squints as if suffering a headache and Gabriel seems to shrink.
‘So,’ she says. ‘Neither of you are the slightest bit worried, are you? You’re relieved, I assume, because we’re not travelling around anymore and because we have a roof over our heads. Don’t mind that Preston nearly died twice, and never mind the fact that there are scavengers out for your blood!’ Her voice is loud and shrill now, and Gabriel flinches with every word. ‘No, never you mind! You just go about your happy business and I’ll do all the worrying for you!’
‘WHAT THE BLOODY HELL IS GOING ON?’
‘It just got worse,’ mutters Gabriel solemnly.
Even limping over, leaning on the paddock fence for support, Preston is formidable, livid at having being woken up. But Beth, who is just as angry as Preston, doesn’t even blink as he approaches and for a moment they just look at each other. For a moment they just glower at each other.
‘Well?’ Preston finally snaps.
‘Nothing,’ growls Beth, folding her arms and breaking eye contact, ‘according to these two, at least.’
‘Well what’s going on according to you?’
‘Forget it, Pres, sorry I woke you.’
‘You’d better tell me what is going on right now, Bethany, or so help me-’
‘I SAID FORGET IT!’ Beth bellows. She shoves past him, her shoulders shaking, and heads back outside.
‘Someone get that woman a tampon!’ Preston roars after her, and something hits the doorway beside her as she leaves.
‘Not funny, Pres,’ says Kerry quietly.
Beth can’t find it in herself to go any further than around the corner, where she slides down the wall and sits on the ground, letting tears fall thick and hot down her cheeks. For once she doesn’t care who hears; she sobs with her head on her knees, tears seeping into her jeans, and pretends not to hear the others whispering about her.
December the fourteenth – Gabriel’s ninth birthday – arrives, and after days of refusing to talk to each other, Beth and Preston silently agree to civility for the occasion. Wordlessly Beth passes Preston his breakfast in the morning, and he takes it without insulting her. She even consents to sit in the paddock while they eat, instead of taking her food outside with her. The ceasefire does not last, however.
They spend the morning playing games: Eye Spy, Twenty Questions and their favourite lyric association game which, admittedly, Beth and Preston are more competitive at than usual, but Gabriel is amused by their determinedness to win.
After lunch, at Gabriel’s request, Beth retrieves the uke and they play a short set. Beth continues to strum, unusually quiet, when Gabriel and Kerry get up to spar with sticks, laughing and chasing each other around the barn. The sight would generally make Beth smile, but today her heart feels heavy, solemn. Preston moving away from her to smoke in the doorway just makes her feel worse.
She thinks, for the first time in weeks, of Desmond Gruger. She can picture her nineteen year old boyfriend perfectly, after all this time, and it’s him she pictures striding into the barn to lay claim to their son. He looks at her, and then she can’t picture his face anymore. How would he look at her, knowing she’d subjected their precious son to this life? She has pictured this scenario many times, imagining him coming to whisk them both away, but this time she sees herself begging him to just take Gabriel, leave her here, as long as her baby is saved.
What had she been thinking eight years ago when Preston left the bunker and she followed? Why had she agreed to follow him into No Man’s Land at the very first mention of the wall builds? Surely she had known the sentence she’d issued on her child. Perhaps a small part of her had done it to spite Desmond, who she had slowly grown bitter towards when he still hadn’t answered her calls.
Across the barn, Gabriel and Kerry have dropped their sword-sticks, having challenged each other to a cartwheel race. His blue eyes are wide and happy in his glowing face, and it’s a look Beth hasn’t seen in a long time. Preston even smiles wryly as they cartwheel around the barn, roaring with laughter. Beth feels like a spirit, floating around somewhere above their heads, watching them have fun without her.
‘Oi,’ hisses Preston, unheard by the others. Beth looks at him. He’s frowning. ‘What’s the matter with you now?’
She recognises his tone as a jeer, and she does not answer. Instead she gets to her feet and moves further away from him, towards the others, painting a hasty smile on her face as they beam at her. She sees Gabriel’s happy face and an urge to hug him close to her rises, but she resists. When they challenge her to another race, she ignores the sick feeling in her stomach and nods.
Racing across the barn with Kerry and Gabriel does make her feel a bit better, even evoking a laugh from somewhere deep underneath her black cloud of depression. Exhausted, with stitches in their sides, they collapse a while later, grinning. Beth leans her back against the rusty old car, her grin soon shrinking to a small, tainted smile, and Gabriel lies on the ground with his head in her lap. The cat saunters over and settles next to Kerry.
‘Mum,’ says Gabriel serenely as she strokes his hair, ‘tell me another story.’
‘Another story about your dad?’ asks Beth.
Gabriel nods. ‘I like hearing them. It feels like he’s here when you tell them.’
For a moment Beth regrets not telling Gabriel any of the bad things. She doesn’t kid herself that he isn’t happy with his lot, because she knows he is unable to miss a father he doesn’t remember and he adores all three of his peers. But at times like these, when his eyes are faraway and he’s clearly thinking about Desmond in a positive light, Beth feels guilty that he doesn’t know the whole story. He has no idea that Desmond abandoned them, left them with a murderer and his boyfriend’s sister. He doesn’t know about the mood swings Beth had to endure from Des when she was the one pregnant with their child.
She wonders when she started to think all these negative things about her first love.
‘Okay, let me think,’ she says hoarsely. ‘I was pregnant with you, pretty far along. Des came over after a bad day at university, and I was already on the sofa watching Doctor Who reruns on the telly. He’d barely sat down when a scene came on where the Doctor – he’s this time-travelling alien – starts eating this disgusting combination of fish fingers and custard. Des had this screwed-up look on his face, said it was gross. Then he looked at me, and it was as if he’d read my mind.’
‘You didn’t,’ giggles Kerry.
Beth smiles grimly. ‘He just looked at me and he said, “Beth, no.” But I was pregnant and I was eating all these weird food combinations and I wanted it. So we put our coats on and walked to the supermarket, and we had to scour the place for vegetarian fish fingers, and I was getting all these weird looks from people because I was fifteen and pregnant... Of course, Des was already in a bad mood and he wasn’t having that.
‘He took the fish fingers out of the box – still frozen – dipped them in a tin of custard, and ate them, giving these wild looks to anyone who dared look at me funny... And all of a sudden I wasn’t the weird one anymore. He was acting completely mental in the middle of the supermarket, chomping on frozen food and slopping custard down his front, and I don’t think I ever loved him more than I did in that moment.’
The peaceful look on Gabriel’s face twists Beth’s stomach, and for a moment she wrestles with her emotions. Even now, thinking back to that moment, she can still feel that rush of affection for Desmond, but this time it’s tainted with something, perhaps the same bitterness she feels towards Preston.
Gabriel looks at Kerry. ‘Do you have any stories about your brother?’
Kerry raises her eyebrows. ‘You want to hear about David?’
‘Yeah,’ he says with a smile. ‘I like hearing about the past, when everything was...’
‘Sane,’ Beth supplies.
‘Well okay,’ s
ays Kerry uncertainly. ‘I think my favourite was when we went to the beach when I was eight. Preston was camping out in our living room but he refused to come with us, said he’d rather gouge out his eyes.’ She pauses to roll her eyes, and Gabriel grins. ‘So David drove me, Aggie and her boyfriend Paul to the beach. We sang at the top of our voices as he drove, with all the windows down, and a fly went in Paul’s mouth – it was hilarious. David never liked Paul so he found it especially funny.’
Scowling, Preston tosses a finished cigarette aside and leaves the barn, and Beth watches him go. Gabriel’s peaceful smile remains, and Kerry’s eyes are faraway.
‘So we got to the beach,’ Kerry continues, oblivious to Preston’s exit, ‘and Aggie started digging a hole with Paul, while I dragged David to the ocean. He paddled and watched me swim. The weather was perfect and I didn’t spare a single thought for my parents and the arguments I’d probably have to listen to when I got home. After I got tired of swimming David went off to buy ice cream, and Aggie buried me up to my shoulders in the hole she’d made. And then, when she was finished, she put a bucket over my head.
‘David got back, the ice creams already melting in his hands, but I’m invisible, giggling, under a bucket. I heard him ask Aggie and Paul where I was and they said they didn’t know. I could hear the laughter in their voices but David was frantic. He dropped the ice cream in the sand and started screaming my name. I’d never heard him swear until that day, and that’s when I realised I should probably announce myself, but I couldn’t get the bucket off my head so I started yelling.’
‘I bet he was so relieved when he found you,’ Gabriel laughs.
‘Well,’ says Kerry with a grim smile, ‘he kind of shouted our ears off for a good twenty minutes, even though Aggie and Paul were crying with laughter. The drive home was a bit awkward for David and me – I’d stopped finding it funny after David yelled at us – but Aggie and Paul were singing all the way back. I don’t think it helped David like Paul any better.’
‘Not that it mattered in the end,’ mutters Beth soberly.
‘I suppose not.’
‘That’s a good story,’ says Gabriel happily. ‘I wish we could go to the beach.’
‘Maybe one day,’ says Kerry.
‘I should probably prepare dinner,’ Beth announces, getting to her feet and nodding at the darkness outside. ‘Gabriel, can you fetch Preston, please?’
Avoiding Kerry’s curious gaze, Beth peruses the tins, and Gabriel disappears from view. As she struggles to decide between spaghetti with chopped tomatoes or potatoes and vegetables, a hole burns white hot in her back – it’s as if Kerry has heat vision. But she continues to ignore Kerry, knowing that she wants to bring to light something Beth is desperate to bury. But Kerry, Beth’s best and only girl friend, will not let the matter drop so easily.
‘It’s nothing to be ashamed of, you know,’ she whispers.
‘Whatever you’re talking about,’ Beth sighs, feigning ignorance, ‘it most likely is something to be ashamed of.’
‘Gabriel and I won’t judge you,’ Kerry insists. ‘He’s my brother, blood and whatever he’s done be damned, and I love him. Gabriel idolises him when they’re not arguing.’
‘I’m not taking part in whatever you’re trying to initiate, Kerry. Can you be a love and pour out drinks?’
Shooting the barn door a cautious glance, Kerry leans in close to Beth, ignoring her request. Beth turns away from her, having decided on potatoes and vegetables, but not in time to save her ears from the curse Kerry casts on her.
‘You’re in love with Preston.’
Beth chokes out a strangled laugh. ‘Now there’s a ridiculous thought. Where’s the tin opener?’
‘I think something happened when you ran that errand for Steve. I think it was the first time in a while you had access to real food and real beds and it was all too easy to get carried away-’
‘I definitely got carried away with the pizza and crisps,’ Beth agrees, ‘my stomach wasn’t the same for a few days after! Don’t worry, I found the tin opener. Can you please pour everyone drinks?’
‘Admit it, Beth. He’s handsome, he’s funny, and he knows you better than anyone... And you love him.’
‘Enough!’ Beth finally shrieks, slapping the tin opener down on a stack of tins, sending them toppling. ‘I get that you romanticise happy families, Kerry, I do, but that does not mean Preston and I are going to play Mum and Dad.’
‘That wasn’t what I-’
‘Either way I couldn’t love a person like Preston. The horrible things he says, the things he’s done... He may be our friend, but Preston is a monster. He doesn’t care about us like we care about each other; I doubt he even has the capacity to love-’
‘Um, Beth...’
‘No, Kerry, I mean it. Preston is a sociopath, and bringing this up has given me the reminder I needed.’
‘So,’ says a cool, indifferent voice right behind her, making her stomach drop to her feet, ‘what’s for dinner?’
Slowly, Beth turns around to face Preston, who grins maliciously, and Gabriel, whose face is buried in his hands. He shakes his head furiously, as if to expel his mother’s voice from his head. She doesn’t ask how much they heard; the answer is clear in Gabriel’s mortification and Preston’s gleeful smirk.
She can practically feel the cracks in their civility widening as she picks up the tin opener and an armful of tins and carries them over to the paddock, her face burning. Preston mutters something to Gabriel, who laughs nervously, and Kerry mumbles something about fetching drinks.
Dinner is, thanks to Kerry and Gabriel, spent (somewhat) cheerfully reminiscing about past birthdays and discussing how this one had gone before Beth blew a massive hole in it. Beth eats in silence, chewing mechanically on her rubbery green beans and leaving her portion of potatoes unopened – her appetite seems to have abandoned her. She can feel him watching her, his frosty gaze boring into her, and she does her best to ignore him, smiling when Kerry and Gabriel laugh and nodding when they involve her in their dialogue, all the while shifting in discomfort. In her head she tries to decide whether or not she’d have preferred anger in amusement’s place. Regardless she is sure she’s ruined everything.
Dessert follows. Kerry, Gabriel and Preston munch on rice pudding while Beth sips dispiritedly at a cup of water. Kerry sings a rendition of “Happy Birthday” that has everyone embarrassed. Gabriel reads aloud by lantern light as Kerry sketches, half-listening, and Preston strokes the cat. Beth sits, numb, wondering if she could’ve possibly had a worse day, until – hours or minutes later, she isn’t sure – Preston’s voice brings her back to the present.
‘...I actually got you a birthday present.’
Gabriel slaps the book shut, his eyes lighting up. ‘You got me a present?’
Preston shrugs. ‘It’s only something I-’
‘What?’ Beth yells. Her voice startles everyone, herself included.
‘Beth...’ says Kerry feebly, but Beth holds up a silencing hand.
‘This isn’t what we agreed,’ she hisses.
‘It doesn’t matter,’ Kerry tries again. ‘Given the circumstances maybe we can count this as a special birthday...’
Throwing her sleeping bag aside, Beth leaps to her feet, allowing herself some height over Preston, her hands on her hips. Gabriel cringes slightly, holding his breath.
‘So I wake you up from one nap and you choose Gabriel’s birthday to exact revenge?’ she shrieks, her eyes alight with fury. ‘You know we don’t do presents on regular birthdays, but you wanted to make me look bad, didn’t you? Well you’ve gone and fucking done it, Preston, because I look like a bloody fool now!’
‘Yeah, you do,’ Preston agrees, chuckling heartily. He is perfectly relaxed as Beth towers over him, and Gabriel’s gaze flits uneasily between them.
‘This is low, Preston, even for you!’
‘Right,’ says Preston, grinning evilly, ‘because doing something like this would be so
out of character for a monster and a sociopath. It would be so bizarre for me to go out, come across a pocket knife and give it to the kid because, hey, we almost died recently; maybe he needs another mode of defence!’
‘And you thought, hey, perhaps I should save it for Gabriel’s birthday so I can make an idiot out of Beth in the process!’
Preston is on his feet now too, and the two square up to each other under fearful watch of Kerry and Gabriel. Somewhere behind Beth’s towering wave of rage, a small voice attempts to reason that it’s still Gabriel’s birthday, that she should not ruin it, that Preston’s gesture was in fact rather nice, and that maybe she should’ve approached him in private. But she ignores the voice because she is sick of being provoked, used for secret romantic encounters, sick of everything Preston does...
‘Well you know,’ says Preston levelly, glaring down at her with disgust, ‘two birds, one stone.’
‘I hate you,’ she hisses, quietly at first. And then she finds herself screaming, ‘I HATE YOU, PRESTON LANCASTER! YOU’RE NOTHING BUT A LOW-LIFE, SELFISH, CONNIVING-’
‘Mum,’ whispers Gabriel, whose crystal blue eyes now glisten with tears, but Beth can’t stop in the face of Preston’s ever-growing smirk.
‘-STUPID, IGNORANT-’
‘Mum, please just stop, I won’t take the present...’
‘-PIECE OF-’
‘BETH, THAT’S ENOUGH!’
Suddenly Kerry is there, wrenching Beth back by the shoulder, her face streaked with tears. One by one they turn to look at Gabriel. He remains seated, his knees drawn up, and his face is buried in the cat’s fur. Beth’s heart gives a painful lurch as she notices his trembling shoulders.
‘Oh, Gabriel,’ she breathes, reaching out to touch him. Her fingers find his arm but he shrugs her off. ‘I’m so sorry.’
Only after she’s straightened up and walked briskly out of the barn, into the night air, does she allow herself to cry. She walks out a small distance before sinking to her knees and letting a sob escape her.
Above, stars twinkle and a silvery moon beams benevolently down at her. Crickets sing and grass rustles and whispers around her. Out here she can hurt no one. The wild, unruly beast that resides within her, the embodiment of her anger, cannot sink its claws into anyone she loves.
After The End (Book 1): The Furious Four Page 25