That Christmas Eve: A Brother’s Best Friend Baby Romance

by Ford, Mia

  I keep repeating those words over and over again in my mind, but they don’t sink in. They feel like they are being spoken about someone else, a situation completely unrelated to me. I don’t know why it feels so hard now, I have spent the last three years thinking that he doesn’t want me, so why can’t I take it now?

  I fall on to the couch where he was sitting only a moment before, the heat on the seat the only reminder that he was here at all. I could quite easily imagine that I just dreamed it all.

  “What the fuck?” I mutter to myself since there isn’t anyone here for me to talk to. “What the hell?”

  I thought that he was better than that, I held this image of me in my mind where he’s a nice person. Maybe everything in my brain is all in my imagination, I put him up on a pedestal because I was so enamored by him, but perhaps that wasn’t right. I was childish and stupid and let myself fall for a man who doesn’t really care about me at all. God, I feel really stupid, small too, like an idiot. I’m stunned to the very core.

  Tears fall down my cheeks, they race down my face at the speed of light. Sobs rack hard and painfully through my body, I can barely get control of myself, I don’t know what to do. I cry for a while, my brain fogging up and clouding as I weep. Every memory that I have ever had with Josiah becomes tainted and nasty. He is no longer the good guy that I thought he was, he’s just the play boy asshole his reputation suggests.

  Poor Freddie. He’s the father of my child, and I guess I always assumed that one day they would both get to meet one another, and everything would be okay again, but that’s done now. I will just have to always hope that I am enough for my boy. Maybe one day when he’s old enough, I will tell him this whole story, I will explain that I tried. It will crush him though, the thought of being rejected, and I want better for my child.

  I reach across and grab my cell phone, about to type out an angry message to Josiah, calling him a coward, but I stop myself at the last moment. What’s the point? He doesn’t even really know what he’s run from… but if he has left a child who he isn’t even connected to, then he will definitely leave a boy who is his.

  No, there isn’t any point in saying anything. Instead, I drag my sorry ass up to bed and I collapse on the sheets, completely emotionally drained from everything that’s happened. I guess all that I can do now is sleep this night away and wake up fresh tomorrow to try and forget it all. Get back to my life exactly as it was before without him. If I have survived this long, then I can continue to do so. I’m sure I can.

  * * *

  But the feeling of rejection doesn’t go. It remains heavy on my heart as I head in to work the next day. I hug Freddie for an extra-long time as I drop him off in the creche, trying to fight the tears back. Neither of us have done anything wrong, we haven’t ever deserved this treatment, yet here we are just me and him.

  I was rejected by my parents, Adam pretty much turned his back on me, and now Josiah too. It must always be because I am unlovable. Freddie isn’t though, he is the most lovable boy in the world.

  I leave the creche and head to my desk and take my seat. My head falls on to my desk, I already know that I am not going to be able to focus today but I’ll have to do my best. I can’t let Josiah affect every area of my life. He’s already damaged my love life; I can’t let him take my career too. I have to get my head in the game.

  “Hey, Paisley!” Hannah, the girl who sits across from me, calls out. “How’s it going?” I don’t answer her right away, but that doesn’t matter. She never really listens to that side of the conversation. “How was the wedding?”

  Urgh, of course, she asks this. I told everyone about Adam’s wedding before I left. I might get this question a lot today and I’m going to have to find a way to answer it without falling apart.

  “Yeah, it was good thank you. Adam and Sian had a really good day.”

  “Were there any cute boys there?” Hannah shivers. “I love chasing boys at weddings. I always find someone to spend time with… if you know what I mean?” She gives me an exaggerated wink, just to confirm this.

  “Er, yeah I guess so.” I shake my head. “I don’t know; I didn’t pay much attention.”

  “What about the best man? There is always a good looking best man to try and bag.”

  Josiah’s face fills my mind, and despite everything that he’s done to me since I can’t deny how gorgeous he is. That’s what sucked me in, first of all, that’s what kept me interested in him for all this time.

  “Yeah, the best man was very good looking. But since he’s my brother’s best friend, he’s off limits.”

  “Oh, that just makes him even more tempting. I love a good taboo romance, don’t you?”

  You have no idea! I want to reply, but instead, I shrug as if I haven’t noticed.

  “Oh, go on,” she persists. “Show me a picture of him. There must be one online already.”

  I don’t want to, but I know Hannah, I have worked with her for ages now, I know how persistent she can be. It will be so much better for me to just get it over and done with, so I click on to the Internet. I have social media accounts, but I don’t use them very much. I prefer my life to be anonymous, but unfortunately, Josiah’s stuff is all very public, so I can click on it easily. So easily my heart wrenches.

  Does he have to look so gorgeous? He’s stunning. His picture actually hurts me.

  “Here you go.” I slide my chair back and let Hannah come over to my computer.

  “Oh… my… God!” Hannah is in awe. “He is gorgeous. How did you not jump his bones? Brother’s friend or not I would not be able to keep away from him. This picture alone is like a live porn show. I can’t even begin to imagine what he would look like in real life. Girls, come over here. Come and see this man.”

  As the rest of the female population of the office heads over to my computer screen, I pull my chair further back, resisting the urge to yell that this is my child’s father that they are talking about and that he is not a good person either. But they don’t want to hear anything like that. They just want to ogle him.

  I sigh loudly and head over to the coffee machine, and I pull out my cell phone as I wait for the coffee to heat up. With a slightly less clouded mind, I think maybe it might be a good idea to send Josiah a message after all. I don’t need to say much but it would probably be weirder to just say nothing. He ran away without even saying goodbye and it would be really strange not to acknowledge that. Yes, I need to just text. That’s the smart thing to do. The adult thing to do. I’m not the young naïve person I once was.

  Paisley: Hi, Josiah, I just wanted to message to say I hope you are okay. I don’t know what happened last night, but I hope it wasn’t something that I did. Paisley.

  There. He would be an absolute dick not to answer that, to not tell me that it isn’t my fault. After all, it’s clearly his decision to run off because I have a child. There’s no way this is my fault. He doesn’t reply right away though, but that’s okay I’m sure he’s at work looking at the screen, wondering how he can explain himself in a way that doesn’t make him sound like a complete douche bag. That might take some time.

  I feel a little calmer as I put my phone away, knowing that at least I have done something positive. I’m not just sitting back and letting things happen, I am taking the little bit of control I have and running with it. Trying my absolute hardest to at least make it a little bit right. If I tell my son that I tried my hardest then I want it to be the truth, even if I don’t have the littlest bit of respect for Josiah is long gone now.

  Finally, it’s time to get to work and everyone scurries away like flies, leaving me alone. Unfortunately, as I get back to the computer his picture is still there, taunting me, reminding me of everything that I’ve lost. I sigh loudly and close the image down, telling myself that I will never go on the Internet again if I can avoid it. I will certainly continue to not look at my social media accounts as much as I can. It’s a dangerous road that I cannot continue to go down or I will
become one of those Internet stalkers.

  This man has claimed enough of my life and I refuse to give him any more.

  * * *

  Still nothing. Two long days have passed, and I still haven’t heard a damn thing from Josiah. It doesn’t take this long to work out a way to reply without looking like a dick and still, he hasn’t done it. Now he looks even worse than he did before. Now he just looks like someone who doesn’t care.

  A steely determination overcomes me. If he doesn’t want to know anymore then screw him. I will delete his number from my phone and never think of him again. This time I have a reason to push him from my thoughts, to block him from my life. I get his number up in my phone book and hover my thumb over the delete button, willing myself to press it. Yet somehow, it doesn’t quite happen. I can’t make it go.

  Just in case. A small voice in the back of my brain whispers, like a devil on my shoulder. Things could change.

  Angry with myself, I toss my phone on to the couch and scowl. But then I catch Freddie looking at me curiously, so I rearrange my expression into a smile. He doesn’t deserve me in a bad mood.

  “Hey there, baby,” I say to him. “What do you want to do?”

  He grabs my hand and pulls me across the room to play with him, which allows me to forget for just a little while. Losing myself in Freddie is about the only thing to stop me from getting upset.

  * * *

  Maddie: Hey, Paisley! How did things go? I have been thinking about you xx

  Paisley: Oh, sorry, I was supposed to message you and I totally forgot. I didn’t mean to; it’s just been a really crazy time. It’s safe to say that it did not go well xxx

  Maddie: Oh no! What happened? That’s really sad, I’m sorry. I was praying for you. xx

  Paisley: Freddie woke up and came downstairs while Josiah was here xx

  Maddie: Uh oh, did he guess?! Did it cause issues? Xx

  Uh oh… did he guess? Is that why he ran? I hadn’t thought of that. Maybe he ran off and hasn’t been back in touch yet because he did some simple math and he worked out what I did. I turn over under the sheets in my bed and consider this. This could really be the truth. He could hate me for lying.

  I hate me for lying too, but it isn’t really any excuse, is it? He still should have stuck around to hear me out. If he had asked me to explain, then I would have done. I would have found the words somehow.

  But he didn’t even give me a chance. He ran off and left me with nothing. That still stings really badly. I don’t think there is anything in the world that would have made me do the same to him. I shake my head and type back quickly, a little bit of anger shooting through my finger-tips as I go.

  Paisley: I don’t know, he ran away before I got a chance to speak to him. He didn’t even say goodbye xx

  Maddie: Wow, what a coward! I know this must be really hard for you right now, but at least you know what sort of person he is now. He hasn’t ever deserved you and your boy is better off without him xx

  She is right, and I know it, this is what I have been telling myself the same thing, but I don’t know how much I believe it. I don’t think I am too good for him or I would be able to reject him rather than the other way around.

  Paisley: Thank you for being there for me, Maddie, I appreciate it xx

  Maddie: You can always talk to me, no matter what, you know that. We need to meet up soon, are you free this weekend? I would love to meet that little boy of yours xx

  Paisley: Of course, that sounds great, I will see you over the weekend. Just message me with details at some point and I will be there for sure xx

  I lie on my back then and stare up at the ceiling, bereft. The idea of seeing Maddie eases the pain a little, but it isn’t enough. I’m still a complete mess and raw, thinking about him. I don’t want to give him any more of me, but I can’t seem to help it. He’s got a little piece of me and maybe he always will…

  21

  Josiah

  Paisley: Hi, Josiah, I just wanted to message to say I hope you are okay. I don’t know what happened last night, but I hope it wasn’t something that I did. Paisley.

  I read and re-read the words a hundred times, wondering if I can somehow change their meaning but I can’t. Paisley thinks it’s her fault that I ran, she doesn’t realize it’s just because I got carried away with myself and I thought that something could happen between us. My pride is sorely hurt, and I just cannot hide it.

  It kills me to know that Paisley loves another man enough to marry him, to start a family with him. I so wish that could have been me. I thought it was going to be me. I’m embarrassed, that’s the main issue. Along with heart ache. My chest actually aches at the idea of never being with her again.

  “What’s going on, boss?” Dax asks, causing me to drop my cell phone on the side like it’s burning my skin. I try to shut the words of the message out for the time being.

  “Oh, nothing much. How are you doing?”

  He looks like he sees right through my casual rouse, but he continues talking regardless. He’s a manager now, he’s come really far in my company, I absolutely did the right thing hiring him on that Christmas Eve all that time ago. He has been a revelation. I smile to myself as I listen to him tell me about work. He’s so clever, so switched on, he understands things in a way that even I don’t. I love having him around.

  “That’s great, Dax, thank you so much. I really appreciate you putting in the time.”

  “You’re welcome. You know how dedicated I am to the company. I love working here.” He can tell that my heart still isn’t in it, so the next question comes out naturally. “But what’s troubling you, Josiah?”

  I sigh loudly. I know that I shouldn’t keep confiding so much in Dax when he works for me, but he’s my friend first and foremost and he always has been, so I know that I can trust him wholly.

  “It’s Paisley.” I hear him suck in a shocked breath. “I know, I know, I can’t believe we’re back here either.”

  “I take it you saw her at the wedding then,” he asks wryly. “I thought you must have, but I didn’t want to ask. I was worried that you might have fallen back into the same track.”

  I huff, wishing that I had a different story for him. I wish I could tell him that I was strong. That I saw her, smiled at her, and then walked away. That I held my head up high and didn’t even worry about the past… but I did exactly what he feared I would, and I almost kissed her without realizing that she’s a married woman.

  “I saw her at the wedding, and I spoke to her. It was… interesting.”

  “How did you feel?” Dax asks warily. “Was it weird? Or did you feel the same way as you used to?”

  “I…” God, this is so embarrassing to admit. “I thought there was something still there between us.”

  His face falls, I can see the same look I did three years ago. He knows that I’m in dangerous territory. I was last time with Adam, but now it’s so much worse. There is so much more than an ass kicking at risk now.

  “Right, I see,” he says after a thoughtful pause. “And what happened? Did anything happen?”

  “Not really. We talked, we danced, we almost kissed, but not quite.”

  “Did Adam see you? Oh, my goodness, please tell me you didn’t ruin his wedding….”

  “No, he didn’t see. Don’t worry about that. But I didn’t want to leave it there, so I asked to see her again.”

  “Oh no,” Dax groans as his head falls into his hands. “I have a feeling I know where this story will end.”

  “I really don’t think you have any idea,” I laugh mirthlessly. “It’s wild.”

  “Okay, now I’m interested. I need you to tell me more.”

  “Okay, so I went to Paisley’s house to talk to her, to find out what happened and to see what’s going on now. But she was cagey when I tried to ask about three years ago, she shut down completely.”

  “Ooh, that’s weird, isn’t it? I wonder why that is.”

  “Well… as we were
talking, a child came down the stairs, so I guess that has something to do with it.” Dax gasps. I was right, this wasn’t what he was expecting at all. “Yeah, like a two-year-old, I would say, not that I know much about kids or anything. But yeah, I would say so. Knowing her family, they are very conservative, so she must be married. I thought there might be something there between us, but clearly not.”

  “Wait, a two-year-old?” Dax knots his eyebrows together. “Are you sure?”

  I shrug one shoulder. “I’m not sure. I think so. If I had to hazard a guess, I would say so.”

  “And she left three years ago? Roughly? Don’t you think that’s weird?”

  “Is it weird? Should I be concerned? I don’t know, you’re freaking me out here.”

  “I’m just doing a bit of math here, and don’t you think it seems like the kid could be yours?”

  My blood runs cold and my heart stops dead in my chest. I didn’t even consider that… is that possible? Biologically I know it is, we weren’t always careful. The kid would be about the right age, I suppose. If I include the time for the pregnancy, that is. And she was sick just before she left, and her parents did take her to the hospital. If her father found out that she was having my baby he would have sent her away… but he would have also kicked my ass, so I’m not totally sure that’s what happened. Oh God, I just have no idea.

  “I don’t know.” I shake my head. “I don’t know if that’s what’s happened?”

  “No, but I can tell from your face that it’s possible. Does the child look like you?”

  A thick golf ball of emotion lodges in my throat. “I don’t know. I didn’t see him.”

  “Don’t you think you should find out? I mean, you could have a child out there in the world. And right now, is the perfect time, while Adam is away on his honeymoon, you have to find out.”