by Natalie Ann
“I’m trying to be okay with this.”
“How is that working out for you?”
“It has its ups and downs,” she admitted.
“You’d like it to work out though, wouldn’t you?”
“I’m not sure. It’s been less than a month, but what I feel for him makes it seem more. I’m not going to say it’s love because I don’t know that. I know he has his own issues to deal with or overcome. It seems he is. Or he says he is.”
“Do you believe him? Do you know what those issues are?”
“I believe him. And I know some of the issues. We haven’t talked a lot in detail and what we have I don’t feel right sharing. I’m trying to give him some space and time to work things out.”
“You always seem to know what you want in life. I hope you do this time,” her mother said.
“Honestly, I’m not sure what I want anymore. Or what I really need.”
Nostalgia and Remorse
Jake had put this off as long as he could. So much so the guilt was piling on him.
He knew Rob’s parents were having their annual Christmas Eve party. The one where it was more of an open house and people stopped in and out throughout the night. His own parents were even going and questioned if he was.
No, he wasn’t. He wasn’t ready for that kind of showing.
But he was ready to see them and knew they’d be home getting ready for the party so he decided to take his chances showing up before noon.
He pulled in the driveway and was hit with a wave of nostalgia and remorse. Happy memories mixing in with bittersweet sad ones reminding him he’d never see the smiling face of his best friend again.
All he was left with was horror story images that would never be erased.
He took a deep breath and made his way to the front door, rang the bell, and waited.
Rob’s mother, Heather, opened the door, took one look at him and wrapped him up in her arms like the loving mother she’d always been.
He battled back the tears as he tried to battle back the enemy to save her son. Maybe this was part of the reason he was avoiding her. The tears just drained him, keeping him from moving on, and he’d shed plenty.
“I’m so glad you’re here,” Heather said, stepping back, wiping at the big fat tear tumbling down her cheek. Oh man, he wanted to pull her in and comfort her more, but knew he was on the edge as it was.
“It’s not a bad time?”
“No, no,” she said, tugging him into the house that he’d always thought was a second home to him. Rob and he didn’t go to the same high school, but they were neighboring rival schools and played on the same baseball traveling league for ten years.
He remembered the first time their freshman year they played against each other, pitcher to pitcher. It went into extra innings and he and Rob gave it everything they had. When Jake had the final inning double sending a run in, Rob had been the first one to reach him and give him a high five.
“Is Jonathan here?”
“He ran to the liquor store. He should be back in an hour. I hope you’ll still be here when he returns.”
“I will,” he said, knowing he had to see Jonathan too.
“We were so afraid you were mad at us. When Jonathan saw Grey last month and asked about you, we’d kind of hoped he’d tell you and you’d come.”
It never occurred to him that they’d think that. Not when he was thinking they might be mad at him.
“I could never be mad at you. What would make you say that?”
“Because we didn’t reach out to you when we knew you were back. Your mother and I talk often and I’ve been keeping tabs on you.”
His mother never said a word. He’d had no clue. Sure, his parents were tight with Rob’s when they were in school, but he didn’t realize they continued that over the years.
“I haven’t come to see you either and I apologize for that. I guess I just needed to...gather myself.”
“I understand. I didn’t expect you’d be coming tonight even though your parents are.”
“I don’t think I’m quite ready for that.” Not the attention that people would be giving him. “It’s the first major holiday and all after...” He trailed off not knowing what words to say. “It will be hard on you guys too. You don’t need me here as a reminder.”
She narrowed her eyes at him just like his own mother did so often recently. “Thanksgiving was the first holiday and Jonathan and I went out to dinner like we always did after Rob went into the service. We told ourselves Rob wouldn’t want us to stop living our lives. He wouldn’t want that of you either.”
Talk about guilt being slapped to his face like the palm of an angry woman. “No, he wouldn’t.”
“But you’ve changed your life completely, haven’t you?”
He looked around the room, saw a small table in the corner with a flag folded in a triangle in a glass case. A picture of Rob in his dress blues on one side, an urn on the other with his dog tags hanging around the center of it.
“I guess I have in some ways.”
“How do you think he’d feel about that?”
“He probably wouldn’t be happy.” He wasn’t sure if he wanted to share with Heather about his book, but if his mother was talking with her, she might know. “He would be happy I was chasing another dream.”
“Your writing?” she asked.
“My mother told you?”
“No. Rob had mentioned it over the years. Said you were a born storyteller and had dreams of being a writer when you retired.”
“My timeline moved up.”
“The circumstances suck. Let me tell you I’m the first to say it, but you’ve always been a second son to me and I’m so pleased to know you haven’t given up on life or your dreams.”
“No, I haven’t. I wouldn’t. It’s just so different.”
They were sitting on the couch in the living room and she reached over and laid her hand on his. “You know I’ve often heard that losing someone isn’t the hard part. It’s living without them.”
“Shit yeah,” he said.
She laughed at him like she always did when he and Rob swore. She’d been the best and he was sorry that he temporarily forgot that in his grief.
“So how have you been? Really been, Jake?”
“About as good as you, I’m sure.”
“Most likely. It’s hard to lose a son. To lose a child that you created and carried in your body. But to lose your best friend. Your brother. The one you shared more with than a blood relation. The things you two saw and experienced. You were both mature beyond your years about the world. You knew what the other was going through and feeling. I can’t say I shared something quite like that with my son.”
He felt his eyes start to itch and burn again. She hit the nail on the head like she always did.
“Yeah. We went in knowing the dangers. We knew, yet we didn’t expect it. I didn’t anticipate this. I thought I could prevent it or control it more.”
“You had different roles, Jake. You know that. He made his career choices, you made yours.”
“He was in greater danger more often than I was.”
He’d wanted Rob to do what he did. He didn’t want him doing surveillance on the ground. He tried to talk Rob into becoming a pilot, but he hadn’t had the skill for it.
“He was. But he liked that. He loved the thrill and the chase. Told me it got him more chicks than you that way.”
Jake burst out laughing and felt his face turn red. Good God, he needed to hear that. “He was always bragging.”
Yes, Rob took risks that Jake tried not to take. If they ever fought, it was over that.
“Can I get you something to eat? Drink? I’m so sorry I was rude like that. Then again, you used to just walk into the kitchen and help yourself.”
He had but didn’t feel the comfort level anymore for some reason. “No, I’m good. I don’t want to stay too long. I’m sure you’ve got a lot to do before tonight.”
“Nonsense.
You know me. I’ve been cooking for days. I just have to warm a few things up and others are bringing snacks too.”
Jake and Rob always loved this party on Christmas Eve. People came and went for hours, finger foods galore that they could stuff their faces with while they snuck off to the basement to shoot pool or play video games.
When the door opened and closed a minute later, Jake turned and saw Jonathan carrying a large box, the bottles of wine clinking together like wind chimes in a storm. He jumped up fast to help him.
Jonathan set the box down when he made eye contact with Jake. There was no smile on his face and this was what Jake had been dreading. “It took you long enough.”
“I’m sorry, sir.”
“Don’t sir me. You never did before and I don’t expect it now.”
This was nothing like the guilt of Heather’s words. Hers were almost words of encouragement to move on. Jonathan’s were looking like they weren’t going to be.
“No. I should have come sooner. I’ve been trying to cope and not doing a good job of it.”
“That’s more like it,” Jonathan said. “You were always honest. More honest than Rob was half the time. We’d often know if he was lying, we just didn’t know what he was lying about.”
Jake felt his lips twitch. Rob liked to push the boundaries and he was wondering why he’d forgotten that about his best friend. “I guess I’ve moped around long enough.”
“You haven’t been moping,” Heather said from behind him, watching the show. “Jonathan, Jake is writing his book.”
“I’m glad to hear that. I expect to get the first copy to read.”
“You definitely will.”
“Come here,” Jonathan said, holding his arms out. Jake went in willingly and there was nothing stopping the tears this time. He didn’t feel ill over it, he felt relief.
When they pulled back, Heather said, “I’m going to get you a plate of snacks. I’ll be back.”
He knew it was an attempt to give them space. “How are the nightmares?” Jonathan asked him, moving into the living room.
“Still there. Probably always will be. You?”
“I didn’t see what you did. My sleepless nights are different than yours.”
He didn’t think so. He wouldn’t have wanted them to know the details of Rob’s death but the gruesomeness of it went all over the national news, then the local news when Rob was shipped home, and there was no avoiding the details. Thankfully he was the only one that had the images in his mind. He wouldn’t wish that on anyone.
“I’m sorry that any of us has them,” he said.
“Jake. I’ve had sleepless nights for over thirty years. The past thirteen years were a different reason than the eighteen before. When you’re a parent someday you’ll understand.”
He’d never thought much of marriage and kids. Not with his career. He figured he’d have time for that in the future. But like he’d said, his timeline changed.
Then there was Rachel. Thoughts of her and a future he’d like to have had been part of his sleepless nights too, wondering if he was worthy of her. If he’d be enough in her eyes.
Or even enough in his own.
Just His Friend
Rachel was waiting for Jake to pick her up a little before six. They were going out to eat and spending some time together since she knew they wouldn’t see each other tomorrow for Christmas. He had his family to be with and she had hers.
Sure, her family knew she was dating Jake and her mother asked her to bring him over, but deep down she’d had no intention of asking him, just like she knew he wouldn’t ask her.
When she heard his SUV pull into her driveway, she grabbed her coat and slipped it on.
“You’re ready, I see,” he said when she opened the door.
“Frank is napping and I figured I’d slip out before he realized I was gone.”
“Does he ever realize you’re gone?” Jake asked, pulling her close and giving her a kiss on the lips. It was nice and tender but with a hint of sadness behind it. She’d have to get to the bottom of that.
“Not usually. He’s pretty independent.”
“Eating, sleeping, and pooping aren’t all that hard.”
She laughed at the sarcastic sound to his voice. “Not really. We do play though, just not often. He likes to sleep.”
“Let’s go then.”
She locked the door and walked toward his vehicle. “Where are we going?”
She didn’t normally go out to dinner on Christmas Eve and had no idea how busy it might be, but he’d told her to dress casual, which worked for her.
“Just an Italian place in Troy. Family run, been around for what seems like forever.”
“Those are the best places.”
When they got there, she realized it was pretty busy, but not so much that they had to wait for a table.
Once they were seated, Jake commented on her red sweater and red, green, and white plaid scarf. “You look very festive today.”
“Just a little. Not over the top. The holiday called for it.” And she liked the way the red sweater fit with her dark jeans.
“You don’t do anything over the top,” he said. “Unless it’s behind closed doors.”
“That’s the fun part of it,” she said, smiling back at him. “It’s just between the two of us.” His grin lit his face up, yet still didn’t reach his eyes. “Everything okay?”
“Yeah, why do you ask?”
“Because you seem off. Sad even. I guess that is to be expected with the holiday and all. Your first big one without Rob.”
“Yeah.”
“Were you two always stationed together? Did you get to spend the holidays together?”
“We weren’t always together, no. But we had been for the last few tours. It helped to have a familiar face from childhood.”
“He didn’t go to Shaker, right?”
“No, he went to Shenendehowa. We played on the same traveling baseball league since junior high.”
“Ah, the big rivals too. So you guys played head to head in high school?”
“We did. All for fun though.” He paused when their drinks were brought over, picked up his beer and took a sip, then said, “I went to see his parents today. They have a party every Christmas Eve. Just one of those open house things. I went over around noon.”
“Not up for the party or because we had plans?”
“Our plans had nothing to do with it. If I was up for it, I would have gone, but I’m not. I’d been putting off seeing them for months and couldn’t do it anymore. It just didn’t feel right. Jonathan, Rob’s dad, saw Colt weeks ago and asked about me. I should have gone then and didn’t. Our parents are still close and my mother talks to Heather, Rob’s mom.”
“I’m sure it was a hard thing to do. My guess is you blame yourself whether they do or not. They probably don’t.”
“No, they don’t. Yes, I do blame myself. Could I have done more? Shouldn’t I have stayed longer and fought?”
“I remember the news. I read some articles on it before I approached you for the job. Like I said, I research potential candidates. It seemed to me you were a hero, medals and all. That you saved so many that day.”
“It doesn’t make up for the four that were lost.”
“I don’t imagine that it does. Or the one that you were the closest to.”
“No,” he said, dropping his gaze.
“How did the visit go with Rob’s parents?”
“Hard. Enlightening in some ways. Freeing in others.”
She smiled. “Then it sounds like it was needed.”
“Heather scolded me like my own mother. Jonathan did the same. It made me feel a bit shameful that I’d been avoiding them for my own peace of mind when they were going through the same thing. Probably worse in more ways. Rob was their kid. I was just his friend.”
She reached her hand over. “You weren’t just his friend and you know it. It seems to me you were brothers in more ways than the brot
herhood you share by blood with Colt and Grey. You and Rob went through things in life most couldn’t understand and wouldn’t even want to try.”
“That’s true. Sorry this conversation is putting a downer on the evening.”
“Think nothing of it.”
“It also got me thinking about a few other things.”
“What’s that?” she asked.
“The pilot position.”
“Really?” She fought back the urge to grin or get excited.
“Yeah. I’m at loose ends. I’m just waiting now on the book I finished. I’ll start another and found that it’s easy to do with this one done. It’s easier to know the next plot to take because I set it up that way.”
“So you are okay with the part-time hours? The no set schedule?” she asked. They’d talked about it some more after she’d met with Mitch again. He acknowledged that was probably the thing holding most of the other candidates back.
“For the moment. I guess we can see how it goes. But I’m sure if I’m needed I can stop writing and get to the hospital right away. I’ll know in advance when I’m filling in on other shifts anyway.”
“That’s true,” she said. “So you decided you’re staying in the area? And didn’t you say you had no desire to get in a chopper again? What changed there?”
She desperately wanted to ask if part of it was because of her but knew that would be putting a weight on their relationship that neither of them needed at this point.
“Heather told me she was glad I was still living life and pursuing my dreams. That Rob would have wanted that. It got me thinking that Rob knew how much I loved flying and he’d be pissed if I stopped over guilt.”
“You know him the best. I get the feeling you don’t make decisions lightly so I’m sure you’ve put a lot of thought into this.”
“I don’t know what the future is going to hold. I guess that was another thing I wanted to throw out. Could we do a three-month trial? Most jobs have a probation period of that anyway. So, yeah, I’ve thought it through.”
“I can bring it up to the hiring committee. I think it sounds doable, all things considered.”
“Thanks.”
“No. Thank you. That gives me three more months to know you’ll be around.”