by L. R. Olson
“What, Penny?” I settled next to her and took the babe. It was so obvious she wanted to say more, she might as well get it all out now. “What aren’t you telling me?”
She clutched her gloved hands tightly together. “Promise you won’t get angry.”
I froze with Millie pressed to my chest. “What have you done?”
“Nothing! No.” Attempting comfort, she rested her hand on my knee. “It’s just that…well, the man Samuel works for is James! And he’s not nearly as horrible as I first assumed.”
James had given Samuel a position? Why? To get information about me, no doubt. I wasn’t quite sure how to respond. Just speaking about my husband made me ill at ease. I stood and walked to the hearth, my back to Penny. Yes, I couldn’t deny that I missed him. And I hated myself for it. Gently, I rubbed Millie’s back. Was it wrong to keep Millie from James?
When I remembered the evil, vile look upon his stepmother’s face, my instinct to protect Millie had kicked in. I couldn’t have my child there…not with that woman, not in that cursed household.
“Is that woman still in London, claiming he married her?”
Penny didn’t respond, giving me my answer.
Yet, hearing the man’s name even eight months later left me aching with a yearning that I couldn’t deny. It had taken months for me to sleep at night. Months before I desired food once more. Millie had certainly helped. I’d had no choice but to reenter the world when my child had been born.
“I know you feel as if you had no choice—”
“No. That’s not it.” I faced my sister. “I knew quite well I had a choice. I could have continued to ignore the issues I’d had with James since even before our marriage, or I could put an end to it all.”
Penny shook her head, tears glimmering in her large blue eyes. “Please don’t be angry. But I fear, dear sister, that you’ve made the wrong choice.”
“That’s rich, coming from you,” I snapped annoyed. I’d lost my temper and hated myself for it. But she’d invaded my sanctuary and brought with fear and guilt I’d been trying so desperately to ignore. I would not be ashamed of taking Millie from James. I refused.
“How do you know?” she asked. “How do you know that this is the right choice? Your life will be so much more difficult.”
“That’s how I know.” I smiled tightly. “Because the right choice is rarely ever easy. The wrong choice is easy. But the right choice, well, it takes work. That’s why it’s so wonderful, so special, so worth the pain. It would have been so much easier for you to marry Whitfield instead of Samuel. But would it have been the correct choice? Would it have made you happy?”
“No.” Her shoulders slumped. “I hate when you’re right.”
I grinned.
“Making the right choice is bloody exhausting,” she muttered.
“Perhaps at first.” I settled next to her again and handed the baby over. “But when you choose to be true to yourself, and stop living for others, I think perhaps, making the right choice becomes easier with each decision.”
She pressed her lips to Millie’s cheek. “Perhaps you’re right.”
I laughed, for she didn’t seem happy about it. “Not everyone has to have the perfect family and home.” I gazed down at my daughter. “We’ll make do. She will be loved and she will be safe.”
“He will find you eventually, you know.”
It wasn’t a threat, but it felt like one. “I know. But it better not be because of you.”
“It won’t.” She sighed. “He’s been to Mother and Father’s about every week looking for you. Even still, eight months later. It’s so romantic.”
“Yes, incredibly romantic finding out your husband is married to another and they have a son.”
She rolled her eyes. “Mother told me he explained it all. He told her the wedding to that Claudine woman wasn’t legitimate. Wasn’t real. He also said the boy is too young to be his.”
“Yes, but do we know for sure?” I stood and paced to the window. Samuel was headed toward the door. I lifted my hand and waved. He smiled back. “Besides, he humiliated me, Penny.”
And I realized in that moment that perhaps a small part of me hadn’t run from James out of fear, but to punish him. Bemused, I pushed that thought aside.
“I know he humiliated you. It is why Father says he will never forgive him.”
For the first time in a long while I felt a rush of gratitude and love toward the very man who had raised me. At least someone remained loyal. “How is he?”
She gave me a forced smile. “Well enough.”
I knew she lied. Father’s health was fading. “Penny…”
Samuel stepped into the cottage and peeked into the parlor. It must have been odd for him to suddenly be associating with high society. “My lady.”
“It’s so good to see you.” I swept forward to take his coat, truly happy he was here. Perhaps with her husband in attendance, Penny wouldn’t mention James.
He bowed.
“Oh Samuel, nothing so formal as that!” Taking his coat, I shook off the rain. “We are brother and sister now, after all.”
He smiled, that charming smile. It was easy to see why Penny had fallen for him. Not only was he handsome, but he was kind and quiet in a way that she needed. Whitfield would have destroyed her genteel soul, while I seemed to thrive with drama.
How often had Mother cursed my passionate nature? She’d been right…it had almost ruined me. No longer would I be ruled by my emotions. I was starting over and I would give my child a calm and happy, and most importantly, a peaceful home.
“Come, sit and tell me about your travels,” I urged, desperate to think of something other than James.
“I’d rather talk about how much James misses you,” Penny interrupted. “Tell her, Samuel.”
“Penny, please.” I flushed, having no wish to discuss something so personal in front of her husband. Yes, he was kind-hearted, but I barely knew the man.
“If you don’t mind me saying, Miss Jules, I know a man in love and heartbroken when I see one.” He took off his cap. “And your husband…he’s desperate for you.”
The words shook me to my core. Everything I’d been trying to forget, the memories and emotions I’d been attempting to vanquish, were slowly edging their way forward. I’d worked so hard to move on, I would not return to that dark and depressing place.
“No more,” I said, hanging his coat on the hook in the foyer, eager to escape their gazes. My head was starting to ache with their constant chatter. “I am so grateful to see you both, but I will hear no more about James. Now, how about tea?”
I didn’t miss the look they shared. They weren’t going to give up. I sighed, exhausted. It was going to be a very, very long two days.
Chapter 2
James
She lived a mere seven hour jaunt from her parents in a small seaside town that I’d somehow overlooked. I felt dazed at the realization. I’d searched so many villages near the sea, but this one had escaped my notice. I cursed myself for being so careless. Nestled near a cove, I hadn’t even known the village existed, and my lack of attention would forever haunt me.
I entered the only pub and paused just inside the door, searching the occupants for the familiar face. Weathered fishermen, for the most part. But for one delicate creature in the far corner. I found her easily, her features barely visible under the rim of her plain, black bonnet. Her pale face, and shifting gaze told me she was nervous, unsure.
I took the time to brush the snowflakes from my collar, giving her a moment to notice me, and giving myself a moment to steel my nerves. Finally, I headed her way. “Miss Watkins.”
She met my gaze warily. “Lord Whitfield.”
This woman was the link between the man who had sold Julianna’s painting, and finding my wife. I’d never felt so very close to uncovering her whereabouts. I knew, deep down, she was near. The air seemed to suddenly spark with life.
Cecilia stared into her cup of ho
t ale. “I shouldn’t have agreed to this. Julianna will kill me.”
I settled in the chair across from her. It should have been enough to know I was so close to finding Jules but it wasn’t. I needed to see her, touch her, kiss her. “Yet, you did agree to meet with me…for some reason.”
She released a harsh laugh. “I didn’t really have a choice. Now that you have my name, thanks to that no-good accountant who sold her painting, you would have pestered me until I told you the truth.”
I smiled. She was right. “But that’s not the only reason why you agreed to meet with me. Is it?”
She sighed, sliding her finger along the rim of her cup. We sat there for a while as she gathered her courage. I waited, I would not rush her now that I was so bloody close. I could practically feel Julianna nearby. Had to resist the urge to leave the pub and knock on every damn door in the vicinity until I found her.
“I’m telling you where she is because…because…I believe you.”
I wasn’t quite sure what she meant, but I knew better than to interrupt a woman when she was spilling her soul. I merely watched her, waiting. Hell, I stood on a precipice of sorts…teetering upon the edge of something that might influence my life forever, for better or for worse.
She took a deep drink, then swiped the back of her hand across her mouth in an unladylike manner that amused me. “And…because she loves you.”
My amusement fled. The entire world seemed to stop. Everything went silent. Even my own body went still. “She told you this?”
Somehow, in some way my voice came out steady. It took everything in my power not to grip the woman’s shoulders and shake the answer from her lips. She hesitated, driving me mad.
“No.”
My heart sank.
“But I know Jules. I’ve known her for years. She’s in love with you.”
I could somehow breathe again. I leaned back in my chair and gazed out the windows. A warm glow spread across my chest. My throat grew thick. She loved me. At least according to Cecilia.
“Why do you think she was so hurt?” she demanded, showing that spark of loyalty. “So angry? Because she cared so much. You made her care, then pulled the rug out from under her…publicly humiliated!”
“I know,” I said softly, gently. “Not telling her about Claudine was a mistake. Not better preparing her for my stepmother was my own fault. But I promise you I’m not married to that woman.”
She sighed. “I believe you.”
“Thank you.”
She looked miserable. She might believe me, but she didn’t want to. “I was supposed to live with her and…”
The baby.
She’d almost told me about the pregnancy. So, Jules had given birth. I realized in that moment that I’d thought deep down it might have been a mistake on the maid’s part. I had to resist the urge to steady myself. The entire world felt off balance. A child. I had a baby. A boy? Girl? How old? My hands curled as I resisted the urge to demand answers. I’d spent my life demanding, but this Cecilia would not appreciate my commanding nature. I would not scare her off now when she was starting to trust me.
“She deserves a family, a life.” She frowned, glaring at me again. “And I’m trusting you to give that to her. I’m trusting you will make this all better. Trusting you to protect her heart.”
A bar wench stopped by and I ordered stew for the both of us. I was suddenly famished when I hadn’t had an appetite in months.
Julianna is close.
The words whispered temptingly through my mind over and over. A few fishermen laughed the table over, the gruff sound startling. I’d forgotten we weren’t alone. Outside the rain began to fall, tapping against the windows. The impulse to find Julianna raced through me, but I would not rush Cecilia.
The bar wench brought me a mug of ale. “You believe the marriage to Claudine wasn’t real?”
“I do,” Cecilia said. “As does her mother, who gave me her blessing to tell you.”
I felt vindicated somehow. At the same time I couldn’t deny the frustration that surged through me. Her parents had known all along where Jules lived. Her mother had believed me, yet stood passively by while I’d begged like a pathetic sod upon their front garden. “Her father?”
“Still despises you.” She gave me a brief grin. “I won’t ask you to explain what happened in France those years ago. Jules deserves to know the truth before me. Besides, she’ll tell me eventually anyway.”
I liked this woman’s spirit. It was obvious why she and Jules were such good friends. They were identical in their passion. “I’m sure she will.”
The bar wench set our bowls of stew upon the table and left.
“I believe you care very much about her.” Cecilia took a bite of her stew and chewed thoughtfully. “But I want you to court her properly, mind you.”
A woman scurried by outside and for a brief moment my desperate mind thought she might be my wife. But as she moved by the next window I realized she was too tall. I gripped the handle of my ale a little too tightly. Impatient to see Julianna, it was all I could do not to demand to know where she lived. “Flowers? Chocolates?”
“Exactly.”
I couldn’t take my gaze from those windows. A small village, I knew that Jules could stroll by at any moment. What would I do if I saw her?
“I feel as if I’ll get in the way now,” Cecilia continued, dragging her spoon through her soup, a frown marring her pretty face. “And so…I don’t plan on heading to her cottage today.”
The woman was a saint. She was giving me and Julianna time alone. At the same moment I realized she had nowhere to go. Almost a year earlier Jules had mentioned her friend was an orphan who lived with distant relatives that were less than kind. “You’ll go to our estate…”
She shook her head, setting her spoon down. “No. I won’t live off someone else. I’ve worked my entire life and I won’t take advantage now.”
I bit back my sigh. Why were women so bloody difficult? I studied her, trying to read her thoughts. What did she want? I couldn’t offend her and chance that she wouldn’t tell me Julianna’s location, but like most females she was bloody hard to understand. “Would you like a position then?”
She looked hesitant, unsure. “It would be strange, wouldn’t it? Working for a friend?”
Suddenly, I knew exactly what I would do. Rafe would curse me, but he’d agree if I insisted. “Have you ever thought about being a governess?”
“A governess?” She perked slightly. “I do enjoy studying.”
I resisted the urge to grin. Everything was falling so easily into place. “You’re going to take my carriage while I stay here. I know of the perfect position for you.”
She nodded slowly, still unsure. I didn’t blame her. I was asking the woman to trust me with her safety and future, a man she barely knew. “Promise me you won’t hurt her.”
“I swear to you.”
She hesitated still, her gaze searching. “Do you love her?”
The question took my breath away. The entire world seemed to pause. Did I? Did I even know how to love someone? Love was unselfish. Love was giving. I’d never been unselfish or giving in my entire life. I wanted her. I wanted her more than I’d ever wanted anyone. There was nothing unselfish about that.
“Never mind,” she said with a knowing smile. “Of course you do.”
I wished I had her confidence. “Do I?”
“No man would have gone through what you have to get back a wife he didn’t love.”
I couldn’t imagine life without Julianna. In fact, I had no life without her. She’d brought me back from the edge of darkness. Before long I’d be spouting poetry, writing odes to the woman. “Perhaps I want her because she’s my wife.”
“Then you would have demanded I give up her location the moment you stepped into this pub. And the moment I admitted as much, you would have stormed out of here. You most certainly wouldn’t have sat here patiently indulging me while seeing to my welfare.”
I shifted, feeling uneasy. Hell, I hadn’t been bred to be thought of as a kind, caring man. My father had taught me to be ruthless, demanding.
She hesitated. “You’re a good man, Lord Whitfield. I hope someday you’ll realize that.”
****
Julianna
“Stonebrooke Cottage has been let,” Mrs. Willow proclaimed as she shuffled into the parlor, a basket of clothes in hand.
I lifted Millie from her cradle and pressed my lips to her chubby cheek. Never in my life had I seen a child so perfect. She cooed. Forget orchestras and opera singers, they were nothing compared to the sound of her mewing.
Mrs. Willow had said I’d had an easy birthing. I couldn’t imagine what a difficult birthing would be like. But along with my so called easy birthing, I’d had an easy child. She was quiet and beautiful, and looked so much more knowledgeable than her young life deemed. It was as if she had secrets inside that sweet head that she couldn’t wait to share with me.
“Did you hear?” Mrs. Willow asked. “Someone will finally reside in the cottage. Let’s hope the man clears the gardens, and fixes the roof. Near worried it would all fall down into crumbled ruins during the last storm.”
“That’s nice,” I murmured, breathing deeply Millie’s powdery scent.
“Might as well become acquainted with him, being that you’re the only two on the lane.”
I cradled the babe to my chest. Her warm body was like a little bundle of heaven placed on earth just for me. When I’d left James I’d thought I’d never be happy again. Painting held no love for me any longer. Even food contained no taste. Then one day I’d felt Millie move within my belly and the shock of it all had torn me from my selfish melancholy. I’d gotten out of bed and made breakfast for myself, intent on feeding my unborn daughter.
“Handsome man, they say.”
I didn’t miss the sly comment, and had to force myself not to roll my eyes in exasperation. No matter how often I claimed that I had no need for a husband, the woman wouldn’t relent. She was worse than Penny. Besides, I couldn’t marry…ever. Not if our nuptials were indeed true. It would be polygamy. And so I would pretend to mourn the death of my husband…until he found me. A shiver of unease whispered through my body at just the thought of James arriving.