“Yeah, that’s exactly the vibe I was getting today.”
She sighed. “Why do you ask?”
“I don’t know…well, none of my business, but I feel bad for the guy.”
“I told you he might need someone in his corner, didn’t I?”
“Yeah, you did.” I also didn’t want to step in any of this family’s private business, so I was cool to remain on the periphery. “He’s a good guy, is all.”
“So you’ve become friends?” There was a hopeful tone to her voice.
“Maybe. Give it time.”
With a bit of luck, time would also take care of this crazy attraction.
“So you’re not ready to come home yet?”
“Actually, I’m really enjoying the work.”
“Is this where I say I told you so?”
“Absolutely not!” I replied, and we laughed.
We talked a bit more about the silo and the animals, and just as we were about to hang up, I said, “One more thing. Do you know someone named Brad McGuire?”
“Oh yes, the McGuire family. If I’m not mistaken, the parents went through quite a nasty divorce. And I think Brad used to be sweet on Sienna back in high school.”
Okay, so maybe Kerry’s comment made sense.
“Why do you ask?”
“Oh, just trying to get to know everyone. He works for the Carmichaels and was there tonight.”
After we said good night, I closed my eyes for a brief minute, intending to get up and seek out Kerry before Sienna got home, but I must’ve fallen asleep.
10
Kerry
I was in a lousy mood and thought maybe Julian sensed it on the ride over. So after herding the goats back into the barn and the pigs down to Ainsley’s room, I headed straight to bed. It was normally rough when I visited my family on the ranch, not only because of the nearly constant tension from Hunter and my father, but also because Mom tried way too hard to smooth things over. I generally faded into the background to give her a break, and so everyone else could enjoy themselves too.
Having Julian there today offered a different dynamic because he was an outsider. Thankfully, much of the focus was placed on him, which didn’t surprise me. I knew Dad and Hunter would fawn all over the strapping soldier who’d served his country well. Who wouldn’t? He was an impressive man, who also happened to have other great qualities, so it was a wonder nobody had snatched him up yet.
But for Dad and Hunter, it was more than that. They’d agreed Julian was a man’s man because masculinity and rigid gender roles were important to them—or they’d never considered the alternatives. Of course, women had their place too, and Mom wouldn’t dare step too far out of line or she’d incur my father’s wrath, which mostly consisted of giving her the silent treatment, the very thing he’d had in store for me since I’d come out.
But I’d been privy to some of my parents’ arguments, where she’d pleaded with him to make things better with his oldest son, and I’d tell her later to let it go. Especially when he’d spout off about the conservative community, and their booming business, and how it was better if I kept my nose down and didn’t embarrass them or ruin the family name.
So that was essentially what I’d done the past few years, and it still wasn’t good enough.
Still, I showed up for Sunday dinners like clockwork, for my daughter. She didn’t need to see the vitriol between us. They would always be her family and there for her.
I snorted to myself and rolled onto my side, trying to get more comfortable, but it was no use. Brad showing up just as we were leaving was only icing on the cake. Seeing him always brought front and center all the mistakes I’d made over the years. He was the man Sienna should’ve ended up with. My stomach throbbed as I considered that alternative.
Had it not been for Sienna, I wouldn’t have a daughter I loved more than anything else in this world. Fuck, why did life have to be so complicated?
When I heard the crunch of gravel outside from Brad’s truck—speak of the devil—I held my breath, which was ridiculous. I wasn’t sure if anything was going on between Brad and Sienna—the flirting between them had definitely intensified in recent weeks—but I might’ve felt better if there was, even if I was terrified that Sienna might leave this farm with Ainsley to start a new family. We’d agreed to stick together until Ainsley came of age, but those were things uttered in agony in the middle of the night in a hospital waiting room, in a desperate plea as our daughter fought cancer.
Things changed, people moved on. If Sienna found someone to love, someone she deserved, who was I to stand in her way? In fact, maybe it would be for the best. I would be alone, but then I’d undoubtedly be free.
I listened as Sienna and Ainsley came through the door, and I was so used to their routine that I recognized the sound of them rummaging in the cupboard and running water from the tap before heading down to their rooms for bed. I probably should’ve gotten up to say good night, but I couldn’t find the energy right then. Thankfully, tomorrow was a new day.
Finally settled, I tried to get some shut-eye. Except another memory filtered through my mind, hard to ignore because it tethered on to my previous troubling thoughts. It was of me sitting in a hospital room chair beside Ainsley’s bed, and her eyes blinking open after a particularly brutal night. It was just the two of us since Sienna had gone home to change, and after we talked about how much better she was feeling once her fever broke, Ainsley’s forehead crinkled in deep thought.
“Daddy, what does being gay mean?”
I grew still, wondering why in the world she was asking.
“I heard Granddaddy whispering with Grandma, and he used that word.”
More than likely they thought she was asleep and had been discussing something about me.
Despite my irritation, I took a deep breath and leaned forward. And I didn’t lie to her; I had done that enough in my life. And if I’d lost her—fuck, my chest ached just from the thought—I’d regret that she hadn’t known the real me. I wanted to be my true self in front of her even if it was for one shitty night in a hospital room, holding my daughter’s hand. I’d been overcome with tears as I told her some things she probably needed to know, that I would’ve told her eventually, even though Sienna wasn’t in the room and might’ve faulted me for it later.
But her response had been nothing short of spectacular, which only made the tears roll faster as I swiped them away with my forearm.
“I love you, Daddy, no matter what. Granddaddy does too; he’s just confused.”
I’d nearly lost it again, but I held myself together. Out of the mouths of babes.
“I just want us to always be together and for you and Mommy to still be friends.”
“Of course we will, baby,” I’d promised with a kiss to her knuckles while marveling at what an old soul she’d become, possibly because of everything she’d been through.
The subject had never come up again, most likely because our lives were full and busy and neither I nor Sienna had ever brought anyone around. Brad driving them home was new, but what did I know.
And speaking of Sienna, I had been right. She was irked about not being privy to my conversation with Ainsley. But once I’d made it clear that it was my truth to tell, she fell silent and never questioned me about it afterward. There had been so much heartache between us, I figured she knew my intentions with our daughter were pure.
It’d taken me a while to fall asleep, but once I had, I didn’t know how many hours had gone by when I was awakened by a familiar noise, this time more anguished. I thought I was possibly dreaming as I blinked my eyes open. I’d heard the same sounds from Julian’s room before, but this one had pierced through my dreams. It was no doubt another one of his troubling nightmares, and it reminded me of that earlier moment on the porch with my dad, where he sort of blanked out, almost like falling into a trance, and I’d wondered where he went. I’d seen something similar a time or two since he’d arrived, but I didn’t want
to pry.
Except, I’d heard some soldiers suffered from PTSD, and I’d run across the term again a few months back when speaking to Ainsley’s therapist about her anxiety. She’d explained the mental health disorder usually manifested after a traumatic event in someone’s life. And Ainsley had been poked and prodded for this or that procedure, as well as being told she had a life-threatening illness, which no doubt led to some big-time fears. We watched her closely for weeks, and as it turned out, her worries were related more to losing us and feeling alone than reliving the trauma of having cancer.
Julian, on the other hand…
And just as I had that thought, I heard a shout from his room. Startled, I bolted upright in bed and considered going to him, definitely not wanting to overstep but wondering if waking him might help lessen his burden. It was painful to hear his discomfort, so my actions would only be out of consideration for him.
I slid aside the covers and was about to pad into his room and wake him up, when I heard a thud and what sounded like Julian toppling out of bed. My heart pounded in my ears as I heard the bathroom door push open on his side, then the sound of the toilet flushing and the sink gushing water. I assumed he would retreat to his bed, but instead I heard him stumble down the hallway toward the front door. Maybe he only needed some fresh air.
I felt like a creeper as I tiptoed to the window, but I told myself I was only looking out for him. Squinting beyond the porch light, I saw his silhouette as he paced near the paddock, as if thinking something through, and then he started walking away from the house.
I had a feeling this wasn’t his first time getting his energy out like this after a bad dream, and out here, it might’ve been easier to get the space he needed, compared to the big city. Still, he didn’t know the property like we did, but I supposed where he decided to walk was none of my business. Besides, I had no clue if he’d done this before while I was asleep some other night since he’d arrived. Eventually he’d run into a fence or a pond or some cattle.
Except he was a guest and a family member. And he’d just woken out of a deep sleep. Did he have the wherewithal to find his way back? Even if he had done this before?
Decision made, I pulled on some sweats and went out to the porch swing to wait for him. If it seemed too long for him to be gone, I’d go search in the direction he’d headed.
I leaned back as the motion of the swing and the cool temps lulled me into a twilight slumber. Five more minutes and I would go find him.
When I heard the rustling of leaves, I straightened myself to a sitting position. My eyes met his as he began ascending the steps, and he looked…haunted. That was the only word I could come up with to describe it. But no way I’d mention that to him.
I heard his voice catch as he paused on the top step. “Wh-what are you doing up?”
He pushed his fingers through his hair, which was already wild-looking from tossing and turning in his sheets, and I was sure mine wasn’t much better. He had on a pair of thin shorts that did nothing to disguise his muscular thighs, but it was wrong of me to have such a thought right then. Or ever.
“I could ask you the same question.” I shrugged, trying to make it seem like it was no big deal that I might’ve sent out a search party at any minute.
He winced, then looked behind him, not making eye contact. “I just…”
“How often do they happen?” I asked, not wanting to beat around the bush. He didn’t owe me anything, but I wanted him to know I was here for him if he needed anything.
“What?”
“The dreams,” I said, finally meeting his eyes.
He sputtered, his mouth opening and closing as if he either couldn’t believe I’d figured it out, or that I’d had the balls to ask. I’d stepped in it now, so there was no turning back.
“I hear you sometimes,” I confessed. “I came out here to make sure you were okay. I didn’t want to intrude, but I’m way more familiar with the property than you are.” He stared at me, his eyebrows practically to his hairline, as I continued, “But you don’t have to tell me anything. Just walk right on by into the house, and I won’t be offended.”
And then Julian did walk by me. My shoulders dropped in defeat, and my stomach bottomed out from guilt. Shit, I hoped I didn’t just ruin everything.
But then he paused in front of the door and sighed. He looked back at me with this heaviness in his gaze, like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders, and most likely he did. It was why I was trying to reach out and tell him I had plenty to go around myself. Hell, maybe if we combined ours, it wouldn’t feel so substantial anymore.
Where in the hell had that thought come from?
It would’ve probably looked strange if anyone saw us standing there watching each other like that, but it didn’t feel weird at the time, only real and raw. Like there were unspoken words hanging between us and that same crackling tension in the air I’d felt around him before. I didn’t look away and neither did he, though I wondered if he would think I was some creeper or something. But he was giving it back just as good.
And then, as if he’d made up his mind, his hand dropped from the door handle and he walked over to the swing and sat down. The swing bucked from the weight of him, and when his thigh pressed against mine, all the hairs on my legs rose from the contact. Still, I didn’t move away. Because we were both bigger guys, there seemed to be just enough room for both of us, but I supposed Ainsley could’ve squeezed herself between us if she’d wanted to.
One of those strange, random thoughts again.
His skin was warm, his thigh solid against mine as we swung silently with the moon as a backdrop in the night sky. No way would I ruin this moment, even if he didn’t want to talk. I’d be here to listen if he did. Lord knew, I could’ve used a friend a time or two.
“Mostly I dream about the explosion,” he said in a tight voice.
I stiffened briefly, then kept my eyes glued to a couple of twinkling stars. “Did you lose any brothers?”
“Two from my squad…and a boy from the village who was trying to sell them…sell them…” He screwed his eyes shut as if to blot out the visual.
Holy fuck.
“Hey, it’s okay, I’m here,” I said in a soothing voice, placing my hand on his thigh right above his knee, which from my recollection was not the injured one. He trembled at my touch, and I hoped that meant it brought him comfort. “What were their names?”
He smiled a little, as if thinking of a happier moment. “Smithy and Miller. Miller Time, we used to call him. And…Arash. His mom would make this bread that he would—”
His face crumbled then, so I tightened my grip on his muscle, which seemed to bring him out of it. He looked down at my hand, then up to my eyes.
“I… Sorry.” I removed my fingers. “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”
“You didn’t.” He bit his lip, then shook his head. “Just the opposite, actually.”
My heart felt like it was throbbing from the tension, and when I felt his thigh press against mine again, it somehow grounded me too.
“I was an explosives specialist, you know?” he said after a long moment of quiet. “And I couldn’t save them.”
“But you were hurt too.” I glanced at his knee, then remembered the scars I saw on his chest when I’d barged into the bathroom.
“Yeah, from flying shrapnel.” He scratched absently at his shoulder, the same motion he made in the shower. “Pelted me all at once, and I went down.”
“Fuck, I’m so sorry.” My throat felt thick. I couldn’t imagine what any of that must’ve felt like—not only losing people you’d gotten close to, but also to almost lose your own life. “Can’t say I ever went through somethin’ as harrowing as that. Not many people can.”
“You’ve gone through your own share of stuff,” he said with a nudge from his elbow.
“Sure, with Ainsley’s cancer. But never like—”
“How about when you came out?” he asked suddenly.<
br />
My forehead wrinkled in confusion. “What about it?”
“Bet that was tough on you.”
There was a drawn-out silence as I gathered my thoughts. “Well, I was the bad guy in that situation. I broke up a family and could’ve ruined a business. It wasn’t fair to any of them.”
“Your sexuality shouldn’t be up for debate. It wasn’t like you chose to be gay, any more than I chose to be bisexual.”
I inhaled sharply through my nose. Well, I supposed that question was answered.
“It wasn’t a big deal when I told Mom after my dad died. And after I enlisted, it was never really brought up again.”
“Damn,” I said in wonder. “Simple as that?”
“Different circumstances. No coming-out story matches another, you know?” he said, and I nodded. “But I always wondered…”
He trailed off as he looked into my eyes, and I swore to Christ, had it been any other circumstance, I would’ve taken his mouth right then and there.
“Wondered what?” I asked in a hoarse voice.
“How you finally worked up the courage.”
“Fuck,” I whispered. “Well, I sort of had no choice. Sienna saw somethin’ on my laptop.” I glanced away sheepishly, but he didn’t seem at all surprised or disgusted. “But damn, she probably did me a favor. I honestly didn’t want to hide who I was anymore. It’s exhausting.”
“Yeah, I hear you.”
Julian sighed as he stared off into a copse of trees near the property line, and I got lost in my thoughts for a couple of minutes.
“You know, you’re pretty good at this talking thing,” he said. “Even though you’re on the quiet side, but I suspect that’s for a reason.”
Damn, how did he do that? How did he guess shit about me so well?
“Well, you’re pretty easy to talk to,” I replied with a nudge to his shoulder. And it was true. It was easier with him for whatever reason. Maybe because we didn’t have any sort of painful history with each other always getting in the way.
Have Mercy Page 8