“So, I’ll see you at dinner—”
“I admire that about you,” he said, and I paused at the door. “How you can compartmentalize that part of yourself. But I’m not sure ignoring this is the right answer. You told me that one night that—”
“I don’t ignore it,” I cut him off, twisting to meet his eyes again. “I, uh, get my needs met when I need to.”
“I see the need in your eyes right the fuck now. And I’m standing right in front of you.” The passion in his voice threw me, like his veil of control around me was slipping. I watched him closely as his Adam’s apple bobbed against his throat. “If we keep doing this back-and-forth thing, I might just explode right here on the—”
“Goddamn it.” Suddenly that thin layer of resistance broke apart inside me. My legs ate up the distance between us, and I hemmed him in against the wall, firmly lifting his wrists above him with one hand and burying my nose against his throat. And there it was—the warm skin and his unique scent.
Julian sighed like the intimate position I had him in was everything he needed, and the satisfaction of that hit me square in my gut.
I trailed my lips against the underside of his jaw, then over to his ear as he shivered and thrust his hips, trying to make contact. When I brushed my chin against his bicep, then buried my face in the wiry hair under his arm, I finally got that deep, rewarding whiff of him I’d been searching for. The mixed scent of wood and spice and sweat made my cock instantly hard. Julian was all man, and knowing that I was essentially owning this, owning exactly who I wanted to be close to, was empowering. “Fuck, the way you smell is such a turn-on.”
He whimpered. Actually whimpered.
My gaze zeroed in on that plump red mouth I’d wanted a taste of for weeks.
I struggled, couldn’t hold myself back for one more goddamned minute, my restraint snapping. So I went for it, feathering my lips against one corner of his mouth, then the other, savoring the scrape of his scruff against mine.
Julian inhaled sharply, probably not expecting me to give in, and hell, I couldn’t even believe I’d allowed myself to—at least for this brief moment. One I wouldn’t soon forget.
“Kerry,” he said in a wrecked voice, his eyes filled with so much longing, I could swim in them. “I need…”
“Think I know what you need,” I whispered against his ear and felt him shudder. “Somethin’ to stop all the noise in your head.”
Before he could respond, I sealed our mouths together, his groan vibrating against my lips as I sank my weight against him and felt his stiffness against mine. Holy hell.
Drawing back, I lifted my other hand to firmly cup his jaw, and his eyes fucking came alive. He wanted the pressure, needed it, just like I’d guessed. Going on pure instinct, I slid my hand down to his neck, brushed my knuckles across his throat before encircling it. His raw moan made my chest tight and achy, and I got harder just watching him as his gaze stayed pinned to mine.
I licked an outline around his luscious mouth, and when the tip of his tongue flicked out to meet mine, it felt like a jolt of lightning. Groaning, I parted his lips with my tongue, pushing inside and swallowing every sexy sound.
We stayed like that, eating from each other’s mouths, and when I eventually released his wrists, his hands gripped my waist roughly and he pulled me tightly against him. The feel of his cock rubbing against mine would keep my fantasies alive for years to come.
Julian was panting and moaning as he attacked my neck and jaw and ear, then kissed me so hard, it was sure to leave my lips bruised. I couldn’t fucking get enough of him, but I was quickly brought back to my senses by a noise outside.
I drew back and swiped at my mouth, my gaze swinging wildly around the space, only to spot Phoebe and Hamlet at the entrance, caked in mud.
“Goddamn,” I said, bending at the waist and trying like hell to get my breathing under control. “We should’ve never—”
“I know you’re worried what this might look like, and so am I, but we’re also consenting adults.” His voice was rough, and tinged with frustration. “So why the hell not?”
I strode toward the door, turning back once before making my exit. “Because now I’ll never get the taste of you out of my head.”
15
Julian
It’d been a week. A whole fucking week since Kerry stepped into the silo and rocked my world, and I kept licking my lips, chasing the flavor of him that was long gone.
I had to rub one out a couple of times to try to shake him from my head, but it didn’t do much to dissuade the ache of longing in my bones every time we were around each other.
Unless I was mistaken, it was the same for him. The first couple of mornings I’d shown up in the barn—obviously to torture myself—he seemed surprised I came at all. His actions would be almost perfunctory, and every time we brushed by each other to reach for the pump or a bucket, I could hear his intake of breath.
I felt nauseous about it, started second-guessing myself, and wondered if I had forced the issue between us…until I remembered it was him who’d kissed me. And what a kiss it was. The way he’d held my wrists so tight in his grasp, then placed his other hand around my throat… Fuck, it was everything I didn’t know I needed. And I wanted more. But he was drawing a fine line in the sand between us. One I needed to respect.
So this morning I’d rolled out of bed a bit later than usual after a night of tumultuous dreams. I was grateful I hadn’t woken Kerry because that was exactly not the kind of attention I needed from him.
But I felt exhausted from reliving that day in the desert on an endless loop, knowing the roadside bomb was about to detonate and that nothing I tried in warning worked. Smith and Miller just kept looking down at Arash’s basket of goods, unaware they were about to be blown to pieces.
I considered skipping the barn but didn’t want it to appear like I was bailing, so I made sure to get there the same time as Sienna and helped with the goats. Kerry looked at me across the stall with a questioning glance, which made me wonder if he could tell I’d had a rough night—or maybe it was because I was acting more standoffish than normal.
Except, I was giving him exactly what he wanted, right?
It was for the best anyway, or I was liable to be in a world of hurt.
Afterward, I got to work at the silo, finishing up some shelves I was building that Sienna had requested. I always loved the smell of fresh lumber, and there was something satisfying about the tempo of measuring and cutting, using the electric saw George had hauled over for me on the tractor. The loud buzzing sound kept me out of my own head. No way I wanted to mess up on the proportions and have to start all over again. Once Sienna approved the stain and I began hanging them, the floor plan would finally start taking shape.
Just as I arrived for lunch, George and Sienna were off to get supplies from town.
“Mr. Kerry is repairing a fence,” Marta said, even though I hadn’t inquired. I ignored the glint in her eye; it was likely just my imagination. “And Ms. Ainsley is with Dr. Barnes.”
As she offered me a glass of fresh lemonade, the clouds burst open in a torrent of rain. George must’ve been keeping mind of the forecast because none of the animals were in the pasture when I’d returned from the silo. A rumble of thunder shook the windows, and I wondered where Dr. Barnes and Ainsley were holding their session since they couldn’t possibly make it work outdoors. Probably the stables.
Once there was a break in the rain, I planned to hike it as fast as my knee would allow down to the silo, though I supposed I could also jump on an available four-wheeler. But when the time came, I changed course to the stables, curiosity getting the best of me.
I spotted Ainsley and Dr. Barnes with Piper in the center of the stables, in front of some bales of hay, and I couldn’t help watching from just inside the barn door.
A crack of lightning made Ainsley jump, and when Dr. Barnes’s gaze swung toward the door, I felt guilty for seeking them out. “Hi there, Julian.�
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“I don’t mean to intrude. I’m just on my way—”
“Hold on a minute.” She motioned me forward. “We could actually use your help.”
What in the world? I stepped closer, and immediately noticed that Ainsley was frozen in place, her eyes wide and troubled.
“Ainsley is feeling a bit uncomfortable about the storm, and while we’re waiting for her daddy to get here…” She glanced at her phone, so I assumed she’d tried to reach him, and now I also wondered if he was out there somewhere in the storm and wasn’t able to hear his phone. Panic began to seize my chest for no logical reason until Dr. Barnes’s voice rang out in the space, startling me out of my thoughts. “I was wondering if you could help us. What do you think, Ainsley?”
Ainsley looked up at me with anxious eyes, and my heart went out to her. Then she nodded vigorously.
“Sounds good to me.” I cleared my throat. “I get scared sometimes too from sudden loud noises.”
“You do?” Her eyes were wide and searching, and I hoped she saw a kindred spirit in me, just like I had in her during the fireworks.
“Uh-huh.” Suddenly I felt on edge as well and wasn’t sure I’d be any use to either of them. I swallowed thickly. “What do you need my help with?”
Right then another crack of lightning lit up the windows, and the dark sky looked foreboding. Some of the horses began shifting around their stalls, but the one I focused on was Mercy, who began whinnying, and it was the most tragic sound.
“Is it the storm or me?” I asked, stepping toward him without even thinking about it. “Am I disturbing him by being here?”
Dr. Barnes threw me a curious look. “If I were a betting person, I’d say he’s trying to get your attention. You’re familiar to him.”
“You sure about that?” I let out a nervous laugh. “I only just got here. Well, I suppose so did he.”
“According to George, you’ve been hanging around him more,” she said, and I felt a flush crawl across my cheeks. “He’s picked up your scent, and you fed him treats. Maybe he sees something in you that you don’t recognize in yourself.”
Yeah, that sounded like a load of bullshit, but I’d pretend she was right because there was obviously something about the horse I liked as well.
“Is Mercy scared of the storm too?” Ainsley asked in an anxious voice.
“He might be…so why don’t we show Julian how we brush Piper, and if he feels comfortable enough, maybe he can help Mercy.”
My eyebrow arched as she looked meaningfully at me, hoping I’d get the message. “Explaining something new can be helpful, especially when there’s a storm brewing.”
Before I could pick through her rationalization, she was already bringing Mercy out of his stall and tying him to a post closer to Piper, who seemed cool as a cucumber, considering.
My entire body began tingling with a strange sort of awareness that I was about to get closer to a horse—but only if I wanted to, according to Dr. Barnes. Not that I hadn’t gotten an up-close view since the time I’d fed him near the paddock with Kerry. In fact, I’d shown up in the stables a couple of times to ask George if he needed any help. Possibly sensing the real reason I was there, he’d put me to work mucking out a stall or two, then would hand me a couple of sugar cubes for Mercy to take from my outstretched palm. He seemed to like that, so maybe he was hoping I had more for him now.
“Let’s get started, Ainsley,” Dr. Barnes said, patting Piper’s flank, then Mercy’s in turn. But now I was the one who stood frozen, unsure what to do.
Ainsley picked up a flat, rubber brush. “First you should use this one.”
“The curry comb,” Dr. Barnes said, and pointed toward a bench where another one sat. When I picked it up, she turned away from me as if to give me a moment to collect myself, while Ainsley demonstrated how to massage in a circular motion. I noticed that she instantly relaxed as soon as she began tending to her horse, and fuck if I didn’t want to experience the same thing because my insides were feeling like Jell-O.
“Work your way from the neck to the rump, then repeat the same on the other side,” Dr. Barnes instructed, still looking away from me and focusing instead on Ainsley. “It’ll help remove any dirt from his morning exercise in the pasture.”
It was my moment of truth. I could feel my hands shaking as I stepped forward, making sure to stand to the side of Mercy and not anywhere near his back legs. His ears twitched, and his eyes focused on me with an attentiveness that made me feel seen.
Okay, I was losing it. But, maybe not.
Only one way to find out. So I swallowed my fear, lifted my hand, and began tentatively brushing him, glancing in Ainsley’s direction to be sure I was doing it right. And lo and behold, Mercy became still even though my pulse was jackhammering in my ears. I totally understood why it felt good to have steady pressure against your frame—it was something I seemed to need too. In fact, the social worker from the VA recommended one of those weighted blankets that I had yet to look into.
When Mercy snuffled and his nose twitched, I stilled. “What was that face he made? Did I hurt him?”
“You might’ve found an itchy spot,” Dr. Barnes replied, stepping closer to inspect Mercy. “Run the comb over that area again.”
I watched him closely as I repeated the action near his flank, afraid to alarm him. But he blinked repeatedly, seemingly soothed by my handiwork, if my instincts were guiding me in the right direction. That was all I had, which made this tricky.
As Ainsley and Dr. Barnes talked in soft voices near Piper, I made my way to the other side of Mercy, entranced by the motion of the comb and his calm reaction to me.
We switched to something called a dandy brush, which was hard-bristled, and Ainsley specifically told me to avoid Mercy’s legs because they could be sensitive. I froze momentarily, the fear of being kicked bubbling up in my throat. But Mercy nudged my elbow with his nose, like he was urging me to keep going. I couldn’t help the satisfied smile that broke out on my face as I continued on, and the longer I went, the slower my heart rate became.
And there the two of us stood, in the middle of a raging storm, grooming the horses. Ainsley no longer seemed anxious, which made me feel like I’d helped in some way. But she’d helped me too. I felt connected, I guessed was the right word. To what exactly? Nature? Myself? I’d admit it was sort of trippy.
Next was a softer brush, and while I still avoided Mercy’s legs, I followed Ainsley’s lead as she stood in front of Piper and began grooming her horse’s face. Would Mercy even allow me to do that? I shifted to the front of my horse—well, not my horse—and there was this intense moment when our eyes locked, and I didn’t even know how to explain it. It was like he had calmed the storm brewing inside me, one that probably matched the one pelting the stable roof. And when I carefully brushed his nose, he remained perfectly still.
“What do you use to groom their tails and manes?” I asked, glancing at how shiny Mercy’s hair looked cascading down his neck. So regal.
“There’s a special brush for that because their hair can get tangled,” Dr. Barnes replied with a smile. “And the hoofs are a whole other demonstration.”
“Sheesh, how high-maintenance are you, Mercy?” I cooed, feeling sort of silly but also really surprised at myself that I had resorted to that tone of voice with a horse.
But when I heard Ainsley begin humming and then softly singing to her horse, my inhibitions fell away, and I became as hypnotized by the sweet melody as Piper was.
When I felt the stinging of tears behind my eyes, I blinked them away, wondering why in the hell I felt like I was having a come-to-Jesus moment with a horse.
Christ, life was strange, and sometimes things didn’t make much sense…until they did. Though it was sometimes difficult to put into words.
The spell was broken by the sound of the stable door opening, and in walked a sopping-wet Kerry, who’d obviously gotten caught in the rain. “Sorry, I tried to get here as fast as I could.
But I had to wait out the storm in the toolshed.”
“No worries at all,” Dr. Barnes replied. “As it turns out, Julian was a big help.”
“Thank you,” Kerry said, his gaze zeroing in on the scene in front of him. “Looks like Mercy might’ve enjoyed it too.”
“Who wouldn’t?” I asked, taking a step back, my neck feeling hot and sticky. Must’ve been all that humidity in the air.
Kerry took off his wet hat, then knelt down in front of Ainsley. “Were you afraid of the storm?”
She nodded and threw her arms around him. He stood up, then swung her around toward the barn door. “It’s clearing now. See the sun coming through the clouds? Maybe there’ll even be a rainbow.”
Ainsley squealed at the idea.
“And guess what? Grandma Maggie is coming for dinner. The horse show was rained out, so she’s headed over here now.”
My throat clogged with emotion as I watched them, but for reasons I couldn’t readily unpack right then.
“Well, I better get back to work,” I said, patting Mercy’s muzzle one last time, then excused myself from the stables.
“Thanks again,” Dr. Barnes said as I made my way toward the door.
“Yes, thank you,” Kerry added, but his voice was muffled as I stepped out into the sunshine, looking up at the sky and breathing in deeply. It felt like I had just had some sort of spiritual experience and was coming out of the fog.
And as it turned out, Aunt Maggie created the perfect distraction for the rest of the day and into the evening. She visited me at the silo, and then we got on the phone with Mom so she could see my progress and catch up with us both at the same time.
Dinner was delicious, especially after such a long day, and the conversation light. When they discussed subjects I knew nothing about, like the horse-show circuit, my mind would drift off to Mercy and the stables. And I knew right then I wanted to do it again.
Have Mercy Page 12