Per usual, I began walking Dr. Barnes to her vehicle, but she and Julian had fallen behind a couple of steps when she pointed out the cute baby goats in the field. As Dr. Barnes told Julian about the frenzy on the farm during the birthing season, I realized how much I wished Julian could experience all the spring chaos with us. But his time here was becoming limited as it was—if I counted right, it was less than a month before he flew home to be part of his sister’s wedding festivities.
As they resumed walking, I heard the mixture of hesitation and curiosity in Julian’s voice as he asked, “The work you do with Ainsley…is it the same sort you do with combat veterans?”
I began whistling a low tune, pretending not to listen, but also hanging on every word. I certainly hadn’t wanted to force the issue after his latest nightmare, but I figured someone like Dr. Barnes might be good for Julian.
“Absolutely,” she replied. “Horses are hypervigilant animals, relying heavily on body language and natural instincts. A sort of symbiosis takes place between horses and soldiers suffering from PTSD.”
“Why is that?”
“I think because the communication is mostly nonverbal, each action sequence keeps the focus in the present, and it’s the perfect environment for mutual trust to take root.”
“That’s fascinating.”
“It seems to work well for my clients. Horses are also more instinctually aware of baser emotions like fear and anger, anxiety and sadness.” She paused as if measuring her words. “In the case of you and Mercy—purely as an example—you’ve both suffered traumatic events, so you might each seek something in the other.”
“Like what?”
“Hmm, let me make a wager, though I could be wrong; sometimes you can’t anticipate what reward you might get from a session until it happens.” Another pause, and I found myself holding my breath for who knew what reason. “I’d say it would be trust, understanding, the simple pleasure of contact—gentle or firm.”
“That makes sense,” Julian replied, and there was a strange catch in his throat that sounded like he was feeling emotional. “Do you think you and I could talk about—”
I walked away before I could hear the end of that sentence, pretending to herd Phoebe away from the garden. She had yet to behead any of the zinnias we’d planted, but it was only a matter of time.
I was already feeling privy to too much of their conversation—not that he was being especially careful around me, but at that point, they were better left to discuss it alone. I knew how hard it was to reach out and ask for help, and if my suspicions were correct, that was exactly what he was about to do. And if he wanted to make it my business, then I’d gladly listen.
Before dinner, we accidentally met up in front of the sink in the bathroom to wash up. My stomach dipped as we smiled at each other in the mirror. It felt almost…domestic, and before I could stop myself, I was pulling him against me. I gathered his face in my hands and kissed him with all I had, our tongues tangling for a couple of long, sweet minutes that I’d undoubtedly treasure later on.
“What was that for?” he asked, panting against my lips.
“Because you’re beautiful, inside and out.”
“Kerry…”
But I didn’t want to hear any sort of response or self-deprecating excuse from him, so I walked toward my bedroom to change.
I absolutely wanted to say more—that I was proud of him, that I’d miss his company when he was gone. As I shut the door behind me, that was also the precise moment I knew where Julian North was concerned, I was truly fucked.
21
Julian
All through dinner, I couldn’t help thinking about that freaking kiss.
“You’re beautiful, inside and out.”
I didn’t know what prompted the compliment, but the tenderness in Kerry’s gaze was nearly my undoing. Maybe it was the conversation he’d overheard between me and Dr. Barnes, though he’d walked away at the key moment when I’d asked if I could work with her and Mercy for a few sessions before I left for home.
Home. New York didn’t even seem real anymore. My heart had already grown roots on this farm, and I’d never forget how I was feeling right in this moment.
And it mostly had to do with the people sitting in front of me.
George and Marta, Sienna and Ainsley, and of course…Kerry.
The man invaded my thoughts way too easily nowadays.
After dinner, Kerry prepared Rocket for a ride around the perimeter of the property to see if his fence had held following the recent storm, and as I watched him ride off into the sunset—okay, that was being a bit dramatic—I couldn’t stop wondering what it might’ve been like to join him. But that would require learning to ride a horse. My stomach roiled at the thought.
I’ll keep my feet planted firmly on the ground, at least for now, thank you very much.
Before bed, I got on a call with Caitlin, and she told me about her and her fiancé getting their marriage license. “Can you believe I’m getting married?”
“Right? What’s Tim thinking, getting hitched to you?”
She chuckled. “You brat.”
“Kidding. Anyone would be proud to marry you, sis. Even if you are a shit cook.”
“Says the guy who only knows how to make cereal.”
“Not true,” I replied, then reconsidered my answer. Mom and I had subsisted on takeout most nights before I got to the farm and was forced to eat three square meals a day or Marta would have something to say about it. I smiled to myself. “Okay, you’ve got a point.”
“You’ll be back in time to get fitted for your tux?” she asked in an unsteady voice. I’d heard about how taxing planning a wedding could be, even a small ceremony with immediate family, and thankfully Caitlin was mostly laid-back about everything.
“Of course,” I reassured her. “Don’t even stress about it.”
I told Caitlin all about the building progress at the silo, and about grooming Mercy, leaving off the bit about Dr. Barnes as well as Kerry, even though I was practically dying to talk to someone about these feelings I was having. It’s only a summer fling, I reminded myself. It can’t be anything more, even if I wanted it to be. Kerry wouldn’t even entertain the idea.
Besides, we lived on different sides of the country.
“You sound…different,” Caitlin said as I slid beneath my covers.
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t know…more settled. Even, dare I say it—happy?”
I didn’t know what to say to that. But holy shit, she might’ve been right. Firefly Farm had been good for me in many respects, and I’d miss it when I was gone.
“I’m just…feeling more like myself, I guess.”
Whatever the hell that meant. Less sad, tormented, and aimless?
“Awesome. You know you’re going to hear an I told you so from Mom, right?”
“Yeah…yeah, I know.”
“Night, Jules.”
“Night, Cait.”
The next morning I poured myself a steaming cup of coffee, then headed to the barn to help milk the cows, my pulse ticking up at the prospect of being in close proximity to Kerry again. Alone.
“Did your fence hold up?” I asked him as I slid through the narrow sliver of the barn door. He liked to keep it propped open to let fresh air inside.
“Yeah, but I’ll definitely need to reinforce it again.” He looked sleep-rumpled and sexy as hell even as he cleaned Maisy’s teats and cooed to her to be patient.
Without thinking it through, I stepped into his space as he stood to reach for the pumping machine. My fingers clutched his waist, and it was gratifying to feel him tremble. “I can’t stop thinking about that kiss last night.”
“Yeah?” He glanced uneasily toward the door. Seemingly satisfied that we were still alone, his fingers latched on to my nape, and he brought our foreheads together. “Well, I can’t stop thinking about the night of the rodeo.”
“Fucking hell.” I felt his sof
t breaths against my lips right before I took his mouth in a heated kiss. He groaned as our tongues met and tangled in a desperate dance.
His fingers wound around my back and slid down to my ass as he pulled me against him, letting me feel how stiff he was. I tilted my hips forward, and our cocks ground together in an infuriatingly good way. I’d regret it later when I had to go back inside for breakfast with an uncomfortable boner. But I didn’t have a care in that moment. That was how good it felt to be this close to him again, with barely a sliver of space between us. Seemed an eternity had passed since the rodeo.
I looked over his shoulder, making sure the barn door hadn’t blown open, and palmed the front of his jeans.
“Fuck, Julian. What are you doing to me?”
At least one of us could be relieved of this burden.
When I sank down in front of him, he gasped. “Your knee is gonna get fucked up on the hard—”
“Don’t give a damn. Would get on my knees for you any day,” I said, even though I was definitely feeling the strain. I hid my grimace as I looked up at him and met his eyes. “Please tell me I can taste you.”
“What if someone comes in?” he murmured, but it was only a halfhearted objection. He licked his lips as if his throat was parched, and his eyes were already glossy with need.
“I’ll be quick.” I unbuttoned and unzipped his jeans. “You just work on staying quiet.”
“Holy Christ,” he said as I pulled him out, and I marveled at the feel of him in my hand. Smooth and long. Finally. Fucking finally. “You put your mouth on me, and I’m a goner in one-minute flat.”
“Then let’s make it an awesome minute.”
He moaned shamelessly as my tongue circled the head, then swiped across the slit, where a bead of precome had escaped.
“Just look at you down there,” he said, forking his fingers through my hair. “Like a goddamned angel.”
Hopefully an angel about to sing to the gods.
I hummed as I licked down his length to the base, where I buried my nose in the dark, wiry hair. And there it was. Musk and spice and man. So goddamned perfect.
“Julian, that’s so…” He trailed off as I used my tongue and lips to make my way back, then sucked the head and licked the underside of the crown.
He gasped as I swallowed him all the way down to the root, his body trembling.
He clutched a fistful of my hair as if to anchor himself as my mouth moved up and down his cock. His hands tightened when I drove down to the base, and he held me right there for an elongated moment before releasing me and letting me suck in air. So goddamned good.
My scalp smarted a little, but I loved the burn and wanted more. More of his hands, more of his noises, more of his everything.
I eased back to give myself a chance to breath more evenly. “I think about what you said that night, about stuffing your cock inside me. I want that. Fuck, I want it.”
“I want it too,” he said in a hoarse whisper as I licked his slit and got another burst of precome across my taste buds.
“Show me how much,” I said in an unsteady voice. “Fuck my throat.”
It slowly dawned on him what I wanted as he drew back to stare at me. Then it was game on. Kerry’s long fingers gripped the sides of my head as he fed me his cock. Gently at first, as my lips stretched around his shaft. I relaxed my jaw to take more of him before he snapped his hips, pushing more of his thickness inside. I just avoided gagging as I felt him hit the back of my throat. I could barely breathe as I whimpered and my eyes watered, but he didn’t pull back, somehow knowing it was exactly what I needed.
“That mouth. That fucking mouth,” he murmured, easing back to allow me a breath, then pressed his hips forward again. “So good.”
I groaned around his cock as my eyes met his. He watched me intently, his fingers brushing tenderly against my jaw. It made my chest feel all tight and strange.
He shuddered when my hand reached under his cock to cup his full balls, and that sent him gliding firmly over the edge. Without warning, his seed spurted down my throat as he shook and moaned. I swallowed greedily so as not to leave a mess right there in the hay.
When I looked up, his eyes were shut as if in a silent prayer, and as I released his softened cock from my mouth, I swiped my wrist against my eyes, which had begun leaking like a faucet.
“You okay?” he asked, stuffing himself back inside his jeans, then offering a hand to help me up.
“I’m perfect.” I held in my wince as my knee popped. “Now that I’ve had a nutritious breakfast.”
He chuckled as he enfolded me in his arms, but his gaze was serious, and intimate.
“Thank you,” he whispered against my lips.
I nodded, still in a daze from what we’d done.
“Go for a ride with me this weekend?” he asked suddenly. “I wanna show you somethin’.”
He pulled me into a mind-melting kiss that seemed to last forever as we clung to each other, unwilling to let go.
Maisy mooed impatiently, and we broke apart, grinning at each other like mad fools.
Then the barn door creaked open, and Kerry jerked away, his eyes swinging wildly to the entrance. But it was only Phoebe and Hamlet forcing their way inside, which told us Sienna was likely not far behind.
“Fuckin’ hell,” he said, forking his hands through his hair, then stumbling to the stool near Maisy. “Anybody could’ve walked in on us.”
But guilt couldn’t find its way inside me. Not after helping him come undone. My favorite memories with Kerry were definitely stacking up, and this one would be near the top.
We had trouble looking at each other, the electricity still crackling, our cheeks flushed. Sienna came in to feed the goats, but she seemed none the wiser as she chattered away about the upcoming county fair, where her soaps and lotions would be on display at a farm booth.
And when Kerry passed by me and stole a discreet glance at the front of my pants—the fucker—it did nothing to relieve my uncomfortably tight zipper.
Have mercy indeed.
22
Kerry
It was Saturday afternoon, and we were winding down the path beyond the cottonwood trees on a couple of four-wheelers. Julian seemed content and relaxed, and I was…happy to be alone with him again. I’d never had a chance to do this with anyone I was attracted to since coming out, and there was a freedom in it I hadn’t expected, even on my own property.
It would’ve felt even better in a saddle, but Julian wasn’t ready for that sort of ride, and I didn’t blame him. He was making progress where horses were concerned—or at least one horse in particular—something he’d probably never envisioned when he arrived from the city.
If Julian happened to develop an affinity for animals this summer and forged a connection with a rescue horse, more power to him. In his own way, he was helping Mercy adjust to our farm, so it was a win-win for all of us.
After that blowjob in the barn, I could think of few things better than stealing any time I could with Julian before he was gone. It already felt empty thinking about the fall harvest without hearing his laugh or seeing his smile. And I didn’t think I’d be the only one affected by his absence. Marta had grown quite fond of him—I could tell by the number of cornbread muffins she baked special for him—and George had stayed for dinner on more Friday nights than he ever had before.
And last night I’d spotted Julian and Ainsley on the porch, sharing a word-search book. I stood at the screen door undetected for a long minute, watching them, until Sienna came up behind me to ask what I was doing. I wanted to say, Watching two people I adore, but that definitely wouldn’t fly. She’d be shocked and confused, which only made more guilt filter in.
“Enjoying our daughter’s smile,” I’d replied instead.
“It is pretty special,” she’d said, nudging my shoulder.
Today Sienna had taken Ainsley on some afternoon errands, which left Julian and me to our own devices. As we came around a bend at the
base of a hill, I waited for him to catch up before climbing the incline to a scenic area that would showcase our entire property. It wasn’t much—only about a quarter the size of the ranch—but it was all mine, and I felt a sense of satisfaction in that.
“This is a pretty view,” he said, looking out at the horizon.
I shrugged. “It honestly never gets old.”
“How far does the ranch extend?”
I pointed in the distance. “You see that mountain ridge?”
“Holy crap, seriously? That’s impressive.”
“Yeah, it is,” I admitted. “The land was passed down from my great-grandfather, so my family has been in the cattle trade for a long time.”
I was proud to be part of the Carmichael family. They just weren’t so proud of me, and honestly, I wasn’t that impressed with myself either. Except maybe the part where I finally came clean and was trying to live my truth. But sneaking around with Julian didn’t exactly help.
So I kept telling myself that I was only trying to snatch a bit of happiness anywhere I could find it. Besides, we weren’t hurting anyone. Were we…?
“My dad would’ve liked this,” Julian said in a reverent tone as he looked west to the rolling pastures. “I mean, he was a city guy through and through. But he also loved the idea of working with his hands, so he’d enjoy hearing about the silo plans.”
I reached over and squeezed his shoulder. “I bet he would be proud of you.”
“I hope so.” His eyes grew a bit misty, and I allowed him his moment of quiet, not pushing for conversation, until he turned to me with a crooked smile. “So, what’s next?”
“Follow me.” I took off toward the decline with him on my heels. When we got back to level ground, we rode across a large field that we’d considered cultivating into crops or additional pasture for the cows.
We raced a little without being too reckless, and I fell back, letting him win.
When he looked back, the smile on his face made my heart stutter. Fuck, I might’ve already been a goner for Julian—or maybe the idea of him. We were living a fantasy right now on strung-together stolen moments. It couldn’t possibly be anything more real than that. So I should content myself with enjoying the rest of the afternoon.
Have Mercy Page 16