“Probably.” I could almost hear the nostalgia in our father’s voice. “Mom too.”
“She’s been trying to work on him, you know,” he said in a soft voice. “Travis too.”
Fuck. Don’t you dare get all misty-eyed. I blinked away the emotion because I did not want to break down in front of my brother. Not right then.
“It’s time for me to get my shit together too,” he said, squaring his shoulders. “I’m embarrassed about the way I acted toward Julian that day…”
“You said your piece with him at the fair.” I motioned with my hand. “Might be time to do the same with Dad.”
He looked a bit frayed around the edges, something I understood all too well.
“And you’re right, I’m not tryin’ to hurt anyone. I was just tryin’ to live an honest life.”
“And are you?” he asked. “Living an honest life?”
I briefly squeezed my eyes shut. “Mostly.”
“You and Julian became close, though, yeah?”
I looked over at him, making sure he wasn’t trying to bait me into admitting something, because I swore to God, my fist would meet his lip. But he looked genuinely curious. Genuinely contrite as well.
“Felt like someone was finally in my corner.” That familiar ache in my chest intensified. “So I tried to be there for him too.”
“I can see that now.” He grew quiet for a long moment, then thumped my knee with his fist. “Sorry I haven’t been there for you.”
I cleared my tight throat. “’S’kay. You’re tryin’ now.”
29
Julian
“You haven’t opened that?” Caitlin pointed at the wrapped gift still sitting on my dresser as she got comfy on my bed.
We’d just returned from getting fitted for my tux, and I was able to get a glimpse of her wedding dress too. It was simple but elegant and perfect for a beach wedding in the Hamptons.
“No, I was…waiting, I guess,” I muttered, looking away guiltily.
Coming home had been a bit of a rude awakening, and not only from being immersed in a crowd straight off the plane and assaulted by all the loud noises on the ride through Midtown to Mom’s apartment. Also because none of that familiarity did anything to dissuade the emptiness I felt deep in my gut.
I couldn’t deny I was missing Wyoming. Had you told me I’d ever say those words in my life, I’d have accused you of lying.
Christ, Mom was going to have a field day with that one.
She was concerned that I seemed restless and preoccupied, but had thankfully chalked it up to an adjustment period. I wasn’t ready to divulge anything regarding Kerry Carmichael or my feelings where he was concerned, so it was just as well.
Luckily, I hadn’t had any episodes, except that morning, hearing the first blaring horn as I stepped off the curb outside the bagel shop. It passed quickly as I focused on gripping the bag I was holding and the taxi driver shouting at me to get the hell out of the way.
Damn, how had I lived here all my life? I’d take bleating goats and clucking chickens any day of the week. Maybe Wyoming had been the push I needed to find a quiet place all my own.
So why did the thought make me feel even more unsettled?
“Waiting for what?” Caitlin eyed the package, bringing it front and center again. “Open it already.”
“What’s going on?” Mom asked, stepping just inside the doorway. We had stayed up late that first night as I caught her up on everything regarding Cottonwood Creek and Firefly Farm. I could feel her scrutiny as I tiptoed around certain subjects, and I wondered if she noticed the change in me. Because I did feel different. Jesus, I likely sounded like one of those Hallmark movies Caitlin and Mom liked to watch during the holiday season. City boy goes to the country and is not only enchanted by the locals, but also the brooding, rugged cowboy.
“Julian’s finally going to open his gift,” Caitlin said, clapping her hands like it was Christmas morning or something.
Guess it was as good a time as any. And probably better that I wasn’t alone.
I lifted the package, then carefully unwrapped the butcher paper, imagining Kerry’s thick, calloused fingers judiciously applying the tape. God, I was pathetic.
Once the paper was off, I stared down at what looked like the back of a wooden picture frame stained dark, possibly by Kerry’s own hands. Had he made this? I thought back to that afternoon when Kerry had helped me haul all the scrap wood away, and the stitch returned to my chest.
I could tell Caitlin’s patience was running thin as her knee jiggled beside me. Before she could snatch the gift from my hand and look for herself, I flipped the frame over, and gasped.
It was a photo of me and Mercy in the paddock, undoubtedly during one of our sessions with Dr. Barnes. I was standing in front of him, the soft brush in my hand.
And then I read the inscription on a small silver plate under the picture: I will always think of him as yours.
Well, that did it. My eyes filled with unshed tears, and I tried furiously to blink them away.
I could feel Caitlin and Mom staring at me, but I could barely lift my gaze long enough from the gift Kerry had so innocently sent me off with, not fathoming it was going to absolutely shred me. Goddamn it.
“Can I see?” Caitlin asked in a cautious tone maybe because she knew I was about to break down. It was just the distraction I needed from my own thoughts.
I handed it to her. “It’s me and Mercy.”
Mom stepped up to the bed to glance at the photo over Caitlin’s shoulder.
“Oh, honey, that’s beautiful,” she said, and Caitlin concurred.
“Yeah, Kerry must’ve taken it when I…” I trailed off, trying to picture it. It might’ve been my last session with Dr. Barnes, when I was really feeling connected to Mercy. I could see it in the photo, the way I was leaning toward him and making eye contact.
“Honey, are you okay?” Mom’s hand landed on my shoulder. Uh-oh, I had gone somewhere inside my head, but this time dreaming of Wyoming. It was the better alternative but still painful in its own way.
I blinked up at her. “I…yeah…sorry…was just trying to think of what day this was.”
“Well, it was lovely of him to gift you such a special memory.”
“That’s Kerry,” I replied. “Always thoughtful.”
He was that and so much more.
When Mom’s cell rang—regarding a property she was selling in the West Village—she excused herself to the other room to take the call.
It barely registered that she’d left as I stared down at the photo again. I thought about Mercy and what he might be doing right that instant. Was he in the pasture with Rocket and Piper? Did he miss our grooming sessions like I did?
Okay, pathetic. The horse was so not thinking of me.
What was that saying Sienna and Kerry said they had?
Only takes one horse to get their hooks in you.
Guess I was already a goner, not only for the horse, but a certain cowboy too.
“Hey,” Caitlin said in a quiet voice. “There’s something you’re not telling me. And don’t try to deny it.”
I looked at her then, and the way her eyes softened told me she had an inkling but was waiting for me to say it out loud. Maybe it would make me feel better if I finally did. So I just went for it. This was Caitlin, and I had nothing to lose.
I cleared my throat. “Kerry and me…”
Her hand flew to her mouth, her eyes widening in understanding. “Did something happen between you two?”
I looked away, my cheeks inflamed. “Yeah.”
“Holy shit balls. Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because it had to be a secret. We’re sort of like family, and…”
“No, you’re not! You’re only connected by marriage. A dissolved marriage,” she said, and I nearly laughed because she sounded like me all those weeks trying to convince Kerry that we were two consenting adults wildly attracted to each other so why not go for
it.
“Well, he’s honorable like that.” I motioned with my hand. “He’d never want to hurt Sienna like he did when he first came out.”
“So he feels he owes them penance for being gay?” she said in her blunt style.
“Something like that,” I replied, thinking about how much of himself he’d already given. But it was also one of the things I admired about him.
She scooted closer to me on the bed. “Tell me about Kerry.”
My stomach was trembling as I thought about him in that cowboy hat and those tight jeans, leaning against the barn in his quiet way. About his lips tenderly brushing mine while his hand possessively wound around my throat. Such a juxtaposition. One I didn’t think I’d find again in a person. Kerry was one of a kind.
“He’s caring and thoughtful and smart. Works his ass off to keep the farm afloat.”
“Probably to prove he can make it without his family’s help,” she said, and I nodded because she was getting the picture now.
“He has this gentle way about him. But he’s also so fucking hot.”
She nudged my shoulder, snickering. I ducked my head because my cheeks were on fire. Had I really just admitted that to my sister? Yeah…yeah I had.
“Are you in love with him?” she asked hesitantly.
“I think so, yeah.” Whoa, confessing that out loud was pretty trippy.
Her eyes widened. “Does he know?”
I shook my head. “I wouldn’t want to complicate things. Promise not to say anything to Mom. At least not before the wedding?”
“Yeah, okay,” she replied in a sympathetic tone. “Don’t worry, I’ll be too busy the next few days.”
So would I, which was probably a good thing. “I just need time to get over him.”
“I bet he needs time to get over you too.” She pulled me into a tight hug. “Let’s go get some ice cream. It cures everything.”
The wedding was beautiful, and it warmed my heart that Caitlin and Tim had found each other because they seemed a perfect match. I realized as they said their vows beneath an archway of flowers and against the backdrop of the ocean that I’d prefer a small and simple ceremony as well.
Someday.
If I ever found someone who wanted to spend forever with me too.
Of course, my thoughts kept drifting to Firefly Farm. I questioned why a summer in Wyoming could’ve affected me this much. Maybe when I’d had enough time and distance my perspective would change and it would hurt less. Or maybe this was just what heartbreak felt like—like your insides were being put through a blender.
After the ceremony, we headed to a fancy restaurant down the beach to celebrate with Tim’s parents and siblings. We’d arrived in the Hamptons three days ago, and tomorrow afternoon the happy couple would be flying to Antigua to start their honeymoon. Mom and I would be staying a couple more days at Tim’s parents’ insistence to take advantage of the weekend weather.
It felt nice being away from the buzz of the city again, but this setting didn’t have quite the same impact as Wyoming. I supposed the sun setting over a mountain peak and the brilliance of glittering stars suited me better. Go figure.
Once dinner was finished, we headed back to the beach house, where there was music, a bonfire, and plenty of alcohol to go around. I downed a couple of shots with Tim’s brothers, then walked toward the ocean, dipping my toes in the surf and clicking through the photos I’d taken earlier of the ceremony. I chose the best ones of the bunch and sent them off to Sienna as promised.
Then I clicked the Do Not Disturb setting on my phone, determined to enjoy the rest of the evening with my sister and her new family.
By the end of the night, we’d enjoyed cake, more drinks, dancing around the fire, and I’d gotten properly drunk along with the rest of the group. When I stumbled off to bed well past midnight, I was glad that sleep came instantaneously.
The next morning I had a wicked hangover, and by the looks of it, so did everyone else. But nothing that a breakfast of eggs, bacon, and Bloody Marys wouldn’t cure. My stomach was happy for the extra toast I ate to soak up more of the alcohol.
The bride and groom looked blissfully happy, if a bit worse for wear.
After breakfast I walked along the ocean again to breathe sea-salt air into my lungs, and that did me a world of good as well. There was still a dull, steady ache not only in my head, but also in my chest, yet I was determined to suck it up and make some real plans for my life when I got back to Manhattan.
“You okay, honey?” Mom asked from behind me as she and Caitlin approached.
“Yeah, sure. A little hungover maybe.”
She smirked. “Aren’t we all?”
Mom linked arms with Caitlin and me like she used to do when we were kids and she didn’t want us to get lost at the amusement park or some other family trip we’d taken. My dad would tell her she was being paranoid, and fuck, suddenly I wanted him to be here with us so badly.
When I made eye contact with Caitlin, it seemed she had the same idea, the pain in her eyes palpable. “Think Daddy witnessed me getting married from somewhere out there?”
“Of course he did,” Mom said with a watery smile.
“He would’ve liked the location you chose,” I said. “Though he might’ve argued a little that it wasn’t Jones Beach.”
Mom and Caitlin both grinned, no doubt recalling how passionate he was about his childhood haunts. We’d been dragged there too many times to count, and those were some of the best memories I had—shaking the sand out of my shorts, peeling skin from too little sunscreen across my nose… And suddenly I wanted to tell Kerry all about it and ask if he’d ever been to the beach. Damn, why couldn’t I shake the guy?
We walked a little farther down the beach, then turned to head back toward the house while Caitlin and Mom chattered on about the ceremony and what they’d packed for their honeymoon. We could see Tim in the distance, heading toward us, and Caitlin waved and sighed, acting like the happy bride she was.
“You seem distant,” Mom said, nudging me, likely because I hadn’t added much to the conversation. “You sure nothing’s bothering you?”
“No, I’m just…”
“Mooning over a cowboy.” Caitlin clamped her hand over her mouth.
“What is this about?” Mom asked, whirling toward me.
“Shit.” I narrowed my eyes at Caitlin, who looked apologetic. Then she greeted her husband, and they went on to the house, leaving me with Mom’s question hanging between us.
“Who’s the mysterious cowboy?”
I winced. “He’s really not very mysterious.”
She stared at me a moment as something seemed to click in her brain. “Kerry?”
My heart pounded in my chest as I nodded. Goddamn it. What the hell would Mom think of me hooking up with Kerry? But it had been more than hooking up, hadn’t it?
You mean something to me too.
“Oh, honey.” She gripped my shoulders. “I wondered after the way you responded to his gift, but then I dismissed it because…seriously, Kerry?”
I bit my lip, feeling like a little kid again. “Well, you did say he needed someone in his corner.”
She swatted me playfully, then sobered when she saw the look on my face. Why was this so hard to talk to my mom about?
“Does Sienna know?” she asked in a faltering voice.
“I think she suspects. We kept it on the down-low because he, well, he didn’t want to cause any more pain.” I pushed my hand through my hair in frustration. “It just happened, Mom. We got close and, well…he’s a handsome cowboy, what do you want from me?”
She chuckled. “Well, doesn’t this throw a wrench into the whole thing…”
“Nah, there’s nothing more to it.” I swallowed down my emotions. “We said our goodbyes, and I just need to move on.”
She studied me with a strange look on her face. “Are you sure?”
I shrugged, my eyes stinging a bit.
“Oh, honey.”
/>
Just as she pulled me into a hug, my phone started blowing up with notifications. I’d forgotten I changed the setting on my phone last night so I wouldn’t be disturbed for several hours.
When I drew back and fished my cell from my pocket, I stiffened. There were several texts from Sienna. But I shouldn’t have been surprised. Most likely, she’d responded in kind.
“Everything all right?” Mom asked, staring down at my cell.
“Yes, it’s just Sienna. We agreed to exchange photos. Me from the wedding and her from the grand opening.”
“That was today?” she asked.
“Tomorrow. I’m sure she’s just showing me all the preparations.”
“I’d like to see the photos too, if you don’t mind.” She threw her arm around my shoulder and kissed my cheek. I should’ve known better than to think there was a way to get around my heartache, so I’d just plow straight through it.
30
Kerry
The grand opening went off without a hitch. I was standing near the door, helping usher customers inside, but the area outside was just as crowded. The petting zoo we’d set up for the kids might’ve been the draw, or it might’ve been just plain curiosity about the farm and the divorced couple running it, one of whom had come out of the closet. People were generally kind, especially those who knew our family, but I still got plenty of probing looks, and frankly, I was tired of it. Tired of being reduced to my sexuality. On the other hand, I just wanted to get it over with, so I let them look all they wanted. If they left with a purchase from the store, all the better.
I kept a keen eye on Ainsley, who seemed in her element inside the makeshift enclosure as she led kids younger than her to the animals and taught them how to properly approach them. Those who didn’t know her history would’ve never noticed her anxiety around relative strangers—today she was owning it, and I was so proud of her.
My gaze swung toward the store entrance when I overheard a couple of townsfolk complimenting the design inside the space. It certainly was impressive, and we owed it all to the one guy who occupied my mind every hour of every day. We hadn’t spoken since he left, which was likely for the best, though I’d seen the photos of his sister’s wedding from Sienna. Julian in a tux on the beach was something to behold, and Sienna had watched my reaction closely, which made my cheeks flush even further. It probably only added to the string of clues she’d been putting together all along about me and Julian.
Have Mercy Page 22