by Trina M. Lee
Of course he could see them. Could the guys? I could feel them tucked in around and beneath me, forming to my body as if they’d always been part of me.
“It feels weird,” I admitted, uncomfortable with so many eyes upon me. “I can feel that things have changed. Like there’s more inside me now.”
“Didn’t we already establish that unleashing a nephilim’s full power is dangerous?” Arrow leaned forward, hands clasped. His gaze darted from me to Cinder. “What kind of fallout is she going to experience because of this?”
Jett shook her head of purple waves. “Dude, no. We don’t need to go there right now.”
“No, he’s right to ask,” I said. “I want to know.”
We all looked to Cinder who stood very still. Shoulders stiff, he stared at the carpet. Could he tell I needed to vacuum?
Finally he dragged his gaze to mine. “It’s hard to say so early on. Expect some overload and exhaustion due to having powerful outbursts greater than a mortal mind and body can handle. But I can help you, Ember. I will do anything to make this easier on you.”
“I know you will.”
Sometimes I suspected that Cinder felt responsible for my actions. Which he certainly was not. Maybe his friend had been right, the one I overheard speaking with him about me in my kitchen. He’d suggested that Cinder might be getting too close. Caring too much.
It pained me to think there could be such a thing as caring too much, but I saw it now. In some way Cinder blamed himself for the sacrifice I’d made last night and what had yet to come of it.
Clutching my mug, I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude. “I’d be nothing without you, Cinder. You’ve kept me on track when I would’ve fallen off. You’ve kept me focused and disciplined. I owe everything to you.”
A faint half smile curved his lips. “I don’t know about that. You’re stronger than you realize. I just hope to help you see that.”
“Just promise me that, whatever happens, you won’t blame yourself. I made the choice I knew to be best in the moment.” I gave him my best take-no-shit look. He was my friend and my guide but ultimately, I had to do this alone.
He nodded his head of perfectly coifed dirty-blond hair. “You’ve done well. Exceptionally really.”
That wasn’t a promise, but I didn’t push him on it in front of the others. Instead I savored the strong brew in my mug, every drop precious.
Arrow wasn’t content with so little information. He leaned forward and tapped out a drum beat with his fingers on the coffee table. “So, um, these repercussions. How bad can it get? Are we talking pain? Trauma? Death?”
Because he had an endless fount of patience, Cinder addressed his concern with calm consideration. “If death wanted to claim Ember, it would have last night. Her survival is witness to her strength. I don’t doubt she’ll suffer some trials during the adjustment as her new abilities show themselves. However, I’m confident she’ll adapt and overcome.”
Hearing that gave me reassurance. For some reason Arrow didn’t seem convinced. He studied Cinder, assessing the angel for a lie or half truth, neither of which I’d ever known Cinder to be capable of.
Rowen cleared his throat and shifted uncomfortably on the couch. “Would you guys mind giving me a few minutes alone with Spike? Please.”
He didn’t look at Arrow when making his request. I’d seen them bicker, toss insults, and even get into a full-on fist fight. On stage. This strained quiet between them, though, I hadn’t seen. Coming between them was the last thing I wanted. Whatever caused them to fight amongst themselves, I could never again allow it to be me.
Jett hopped up, clearly sensing the unease in the room but playing it off. “Come on, Arrow. Let’s go for a drink. And maybe a burger. I’ll even let you buy with your filthy drug money.”
“For a trust-fund baby, you sure find ways around spending your own money. Didn’t I cover the bar tab you and Sam ran up last weekend?” With an eye roll in her direction, Arrow headed for the door without a glance at either Rowen or me.
“Well, how do you think I keep that trust fund so fat?” Jett quipped, trailing after him. “I’ll call you later, Spike. Let me know if you need anything, and I’ll come back.”
Arrow didn’t say a word. No playful taunt or teasing sarcasm. Nothing.
“I’ll be back soon,” Cinder promised before the ruffle of feathers took him away.
When Rowen and I were alone, the room seemed to shrink in on itself. The air thickened, and each breath seemed to take effort. It had been some time since we’d been alone together. I didn’t know what to say.
He moved to the edge of his seat and sighed. Then he broke the silence by saying, “Do you have feelings for Arrow?”
Annoyance and sadness gripped me simultaneously. “Is that seriously the first thing you have to say to me?”
Blue hair flopped into his eyes, and he shoved it aside. “I need to know.”
It was a fair question, but it stung. After everything that happened last night, that shouldn’t be his greatest concern.
“We’re friends.” The word felt strange in my mouth when referencing Arrow. “He’s had my back a lot lately. I respect him for stepping in when he didn’t have to. But he did it because of you, Rowen.”
Laughter fell from Rowen’s lips like acid. “No, he didn’t. Arrow’s not all bad, but he’s not quite that selfless either. You didn’t really answer my question though.”
Didn’t I? No, I guess not the way Rowen wanted to hear it. I peered into my near empty coffee cup, searching for answers. Finding none. When I thought about Arrow’s kiss, my cheeks warmed. I’d liked it. That didn’t mean I had feelings for him. Still, would it have had any effect if I felt nothing at all?
“I don’t know.” My voice sounded hollow. Those three words didn’t come easy. “Rowen, I love you. That hasn’t changed. But you hurt me. When we were supposed to be a team, you acted without me, thinking you knew what was best for both of us. Arrow was there when you weren’t, and he never shut me out from important decisions. Maybe I do feel something, but we are just friends.”
Rowen shoved off the couch and paced to the other side of the living room. Turning his back to me, he crossed his arms and stared out the window to the street below. “So what does that mean for us?”
I set my cup down on the table and stood up. Lingering near the chair, I was afraid to go to him. Afraid of my feelings and what I might say next. “I wish I knew.” I hated the way that truth felt in my mouth. “When I needed you to stand with me, you didn’t. I’m not sure how to get past that or if I even can. Maybe… maybe we just need some time.”
Still he didn’t turn back to me.
I didn’t want to hurt him. Needing to do what was best for myself right then, it seemed impossible not to. I never thought I’d be the one to put things on hold. A long-time commitment phobe, it had been difficult to let myself love Rowen. But love him I did. But this wasn’t about commitment anymore. It was about staying true to myself and to what lay ahead.
If we couldn’t trust each other, if we couldn’t work together, then forcing this relationship would be unfair to both of us.
“I guess we didn’t have what I thought we had,” Rowen said, soft and quiet.
A lump formed in my throat. How could he say that to me now? After everything. “Now you know how I felt when you cast me aside to please Dash.”
He whirled to face me. Anger twisted his handsome features into something almost scary. “I did that to save you, Spike. He would’ve killed you. Why can’t you see it from my side?”
Tears pricked my eyes. I blinked furiously. “I’ve tried. So many times I’ve tried. But when were you going to do the same? I didn’t need you to save me, Rowen. I needed you to respect me.”
Offended, he flung his hands wide. “Are you kidding me? I do. I always have.”
“But not enough to treat me as a partner instead of a damsel in distress.”
“And what about you last night?”
he countered. “Swooping in to save me by taking my place in the circle? How is that any different?”
I sigh, a ragged sound dragged from the pit of growing despair. “I didn’t have time to think, just act. It never would’ve come to that had you stood with me earlier instead of making a deal with Dash.”
We stood there staring at one another. We’d reached a stalemate. Right and wrong didn’t matter anymore.
The fire in Rowen’s amber eyes dimmed. It killed me. “Everything I’ve done is because I love you. I’m sorry it wasn’t what you wanted.”
Needing him to know how much I needed that light in his eyes, I reached for his hand. The sudden rush of anguish and sadness hit me like a bullet. A shot fired too fast to see it coming, buried within me before I could react. The onslaught of emotion rode me like a tidal wave. Rowen’s emotion. It dove deep inside and became part of me, making me feel it as my own.
Overwhelmed and slightly pained, I jerked back with a small cry. Clutching my hand to my chest, I took a shaky step backward.
“Spike? Are you ok?” Rowen made as if to touch me but stopped when I waved him off.
“Something just happened. I think it might be a new ability.” Hugging Jett and Cinder hadn’t produced such a result. Our gifts could often be erratic until we’d gained more control of them. I could only assume that was what had happened.
“Can I help?” Without a doubt Rowen was genuine. The real deal. All he wanted was to help to the best of his ability.
It was a fucking shame that we didn’t agree on what was helpful.
“I’m fine. It just caught me off guard.” The adrenaline rush gave me a headache. Maybe I needed to eat something after all. “I think I just need to relax. Grab a shower or something.”
He nodded in understanding. “You want me to leave.”
“We’ll talk soon. I think we both just need some time.” I couldn’t believe that crap was coming out of me. The truth could be such a deadly blow, yet pretending everything was fine wouldn’t help either of us. I refused to do it.
A conflict of emotions darted across his face. Rowen started to head for the door, stopped as if tempted to refuse, and continued on again. “Call me when you’re ready.” He graced me with a lingering gaze that crushed my heart.
“Rowen,” I called after him before he could disappear. “Come back to the light. We need you.”
He gave no response. Exiting into the hallway, the door closed behind him with a click.
That simple sound reverberated in my ears.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
“Do the glamor thing again, Spike. It blows my fucking mind.”
Jett was far too entertained by my newest ability. With Cinder’s help over the past week, we’d determined that I did indeed have a few new gifts. One of them being the ability to cast illusions, including a glamor.
The first time I’d managed to make myself look like Jett, she’d almost peed herself with delight. Looking in the mirror and seeing her looking back had blown my mind too. I’d also changed my appearance to some random blonde. Though it took some effort and concentration, it was a skill that could come in handy.
With Cinder’s assistance I’d gone from a simple glamor to casting the illusion of a hole in the sidewalk where there was in fact none. Those who happened to come along had gone around it, as if it were real.
“Maybe later. It gives me a headache if I do it too often.” I laughed her off. Jett seemed to have more fun with it than I did. Of course, it was still pretty surreal.
We’d just gotten off stage a few minutes ago. Upstairs in the dressing room of The Spirit Room, we shared a joint while we fixed makeup smudges and tousled hair, my way of avoiding the guys a little longer.
Rowen and I hadn’t spoken much in the week since the heartbreaking conversation in my living room. We’d sent a few angst-filled texts, but that was it.
They were playing in half an hour. Part of me planned to hide out in the dressing room until they’d taken the stage. The guys had learned long ago there was no point trying to cram in here with us on a show night. Makeup littered the counter space in front of the mirror. Empty bottles and glasses took up the small table near the couch. We’d taken over.
“I’m going to head down for a refill.” Ice clinked in Jett’s empty glass as she slid it onto the table. “Meet me and the girls in ten for shots at the bar.”
“No tequila,” I called after her. That shit kicked my ass.
Alone in the dressing room, I slung the Midnight Star onto my back and glanced into the mirror. I’d left it in the dressing room while performing. Cloaked with Cinder’s power I’d tucked it away safely inside my guitar case, unseen to any who might have looked inside.
Blue eyes bright and lively, makeup perfectly in place, I wore my disguise well. Nobody would know that inside I was a mess of emotional turmoil.
Along with the illusion casting, I now had an empathic ability I wasn’t quite sure I’d consider to be a gift. Like I’d done with Rowen, I could read the emotions of a person or an object they’d recently handled through touch. I had yet to learn how to fully control it.
Unlike many nephilim, or angels and demons for that matter, my wings had the added element of fire. Like my father’s. During a power surge they burst into flames, providing a power boost and extra protection. Like every other new ability, I struggled to control this gift too.
I shuddered to think of how much more difficult it all would be without Cinder. Because of him I’d made our gig tonight. He wouldn’t let me sit at home afraid of myself. After his insistence I’d accepted that he was right. I needed to keep living my life and doing what I love so much. Making music.
The text alert on my phone went off. It was Jett.
Arrow’s on his way up.
Damn I loved that woman. Her heads up gave me just enough time to suck in a deep breath, stub out the remains of the joint, and pretend like I’d been playing on my phone instead of expecting him.
Arrow appeared at the top of the stairs looking as grungy rock n’ roll as he ever did. A Batman-logo beanie hat hung off the back of his head, conflicting with the Harley Quinn t-shirt he wore. Leather cuffs adorned each wrist. “Am I interrupting some kind of private, supercharged, ass-kicking, white lighter moment? I know I’m not part of the club, but I brought drinks.” In each hand he held a glass with a lime wedge on the rim.
I accepted the one he held out to me with a smile. “It’s cool. Have a seat.”
He sat on the couch next to me, leaving just enough space between us to keep it from being weird but not so much that it felt uncomfortable. “I wanted to call you, but I thought maybe you needed some time to yourself. How’ve you been?”
“Good,” I lied. “I mean, it could be worse, you know.”
A sexy smudge of dark liner made Arrow’s hazel eyes stand out in contrast to his raven black hair. He nodded and asked, “Ok, so how are you really?” Apparently over the course of the last few months he’d gotten to know me too. How had I not noticed?
“It’s been a rough few days,” I admitted. “It’s weird to have a bunch of new gifts all at once, but I’ll get used to it. At least, that’s the plan.”
“You’ll adapt in no time. Rolling with the punches is one of your strong suits.” Arrow lifted his glass and my gaze followed.
I watched him take a drink, his throat moving as he swallowed. The pulse in his neck drew my eye. What would it feel like beneath my lips? Would his skin taste as good as he smelled? Cologne, alcohol, and the maleness of him teased me.
Looking away before he could catch me staring, I sipped from my drink. The sweetness of vodka lemonade ushered in the warmth of alcohol entering my bloodstream.
Making small talk didn’t come as easy as it usually did. The tension between us was palpable. I couldn’t ask him about Rowen, not without taking this from tense to downright cringe-worthy. He couldn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know anyway.
Rowen and me, we weren’t
on the same page. And I would be sad about that for a long time.
Arrow was talking about Sam and Jett, joking about their annoying public displays of sex-charged affection. I tried to laugh along. Those two really were ridiculous together. As Arrow talked, I couldn’t help but wonder. Unable to shake the question that plagued me, I had to ask before I chickened out.
“Arrow, when did you start feeling something for me?”
He fell silent, picking at a piece of ice in his drink.
“Sorry, I just kind of wanted to know.”
He glanced around the room, his gaze settling on the reflection of us in the mirror. “I think it started the day you punched me in the face.” Arrow’s self-deprecating laugh was infectious. “But I knew for sure there was something there that day I saw you cry.”
The day Rowen broke up with me, making a spectacle of it for Dash’s benefit. I preferred the memory of punching Arrow in the face.
“You totally deserved that punch,” I replied with a grin.
“No argument here.”
I felt like I should offer him something more. An explanation or admission. But I still wasn’t entirely sure what that would be.
Arrow stirred a reaction in me. How deep that went I didn’t know. One thing was certain. It didn’t matter. We could never be together. It wouldn’t be right.
As if he read my mind, Arrow said, “Look, Spike, don’t feel like you owe me anything. My feelings are my problem. Not yours. I’m cool with being friends. Hanging out with you gives me a purpose, which is more than I had going for me before.”
I knew he wanted to make me feel better, but guilt reared its ugly head. “Friends is good. Thanks for having my back.”
“Anytime.” Arrow rose and checked himself in the mirror. Satisfied with his appearance, he pointed toward the stairs. “I gotta head down for sound check. Are you hanging around for a while?”
“Yeah, I’ll go down with you. Kind of hoping Koda shows his face so I can laugh in it.”