by Seven Steps
I shook my head.
“Leave, Cole. I don’t have time for this.”
I turned my back, intending to grab the door handle but he grabbed my shoulder, swung me around, pressed my back to the wall and moved in close.
Too close.
His arms encircled me, pressing our trembling bodies together.
His lips descended upon me like a hawk diving for its dinner.
Relentless. Demanding. Breaking down my every wall. Stripping away every excuse.
Cole’s kisses were like dynamite. His lips set the charges that exploded through me. Goosebumps broke out over my skin. My hands were everywhere, touching every piece of him that I could. I felt wild, frantic, desperate for more. My mouth opened and his tongue brushed against mine, sending delicious shivers through my entire body. My heart beat out of my chest, my racing pulse our own, personal melody.
His fingers played at my back while his learned lips gave me exactly what I needed, pressing to me when I wanted more, pulling back when it was too much, changing the angle when my heart beat slowed, smiling against my lips when it beat too fast.
Gradually, he slowed down the pace, his lips softening, his kisses turning gentle.
“I have wanted to do that since Freshman year,” he said between teasing nibbles on my bottom lip.
My hands had somehow gotten tangled in the black curls at the nape of his neck. I kept them there, playing with the dark strands, trying to catch my breath.
“I like you, Bella. A lot. You’re too stubborn to say it first so I’m going to. I really, really like you.”
His words radiated down my spine and through my toes. My eyes opened, searching his. The truth was so clear in them that it shook me to my core.
“I want to be your boyfriend. A real one.”
My world stopped spinning, my heels lightening as if the gravity had been sucked from the room. I couldn’t speak. Could barely think. Cole wanted to be with me. My heart felt so full that I was afraid it would burst.
“I have wanted you since I first saw you. You challenged me in every way imaginable. You call yourself invisible but I see you, Bella. I’ve always seen you.”
He took my hand and placed it on his chest. Beneath the hard muscles, I felt his heart beat strong beneath my fingertips. Fast. It was so fast.
His heartbeat matched my own.
“Take what’s yours, Bella. What’s always been yours.”
His words were beautiful. I wanted so much to fall into Cole and never return. But I couldn’t. There was too much at stake. It was too dangerous.
One fat tear rolled down my cheek. A tear for the boy that I wanted, but could never have.
“Cole, please don’t say things like that.”
“Like what? That I want to be with you? Well, I do. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. Every waking moment, all I can do is think about you. And then I see you with him and I can’t sit still. I begged and I pleaded and I prayed for you to come to me, but you were too stubborn for your own good, so here I am. I want you, Bella. Today, tomorrow, and forever. Just … please, say that you want me, too.”
Little beads of delight burst from my soul and I allowed them to see the sunlight for just a second. Just one second of happiness. Just one second for me to stand here in front of a boy that I wanted more than anything and allow myself to pretend that I said the words back to him. That we’d be safe and in love and together forever.
The second passed.
It was not to be.
I smothered the happiness. Killed it. Happiness was not meant for me. Not anymore.
Cole’s eyes turned pleading. Horrified.
“Bella, don’t do this.”
I didn’t want to hurt him.
“Bella.”
I never wanted to hurt him.
“Bella, please!”
I had to hurt him.
“I don’t want to be with you, Cole.”
And with the words that sealed my fate of misery, I ran in to my apartment, closed myself in my room and completely fell apart.
51
Two knocks echoed through my room, followed by Ariel’s face peeking through the door.
“Can I come in?” she asked.
I shrugged, curling my knees up to my chest.
She nodded, stepped in to the room and quietly shut the door behind her.
“You’re not okay,” she said.
I shook my head. “No. I’m not.”
“What did Cole say to you in the hallway?”
I shook my head and squeezed my lips together. It wasn’t what he said to me, it was what I said to him that haunted me. The lies that spilled from my mouth. Lies that I told with such ease now.
Ariel sat down next to me and put her arm around my shoulder.
“Bella, you’re so secretive lately. Maybe if you opened up about what’s going on in your life, you’d feel better.”
I snorted at the irony of it all.
Opening up would ruin Ariel’s entire existence and here she was asking me to do it.
That time would come but I didn’t want it to come anytime soon. It would mean the end of our friendship and I wasn’t ready for that yet. Honestly, I didn’t know if I would ever be ready.
“Is it about Jake? Did he do something to you? Is he hurting you?”
In more ways than one, I wanted to say. But I didn’t. I kept my mouth shut because it was what I had to do.
“So you’re going to sit there and not say anything?”
I could hear the anger rising in her voice.
“We are best friends. We tell each other everything and now I’m not good enough for you to talk to anymore?”
“That’s not it.”
“Did you tell Stephanie what’s going on?”
“What? No?”
“Mel? Ursula? Dana?”
“Why would you even say that?”
“Because you seem to be cozy with them lately. Meanwhile, Jasmine and I barely ever see you. I’m here, trying to repair our friendship before it all falls to crap and you can’t even tell me what’s going on? You can’t even look me in the eye.”
A tear dripped down my cheek. If I spoke, it would ruin everything. I knew it would.
“Bella, I can’t do this anymore. I can’t be in a one-sided friendship. You have to decide right now. Tell me what’s going on or I am gone.”
Another tear dripped in to my lap.
“You’re gone anyway,” I whispered.
Ariel’s eyes went wide, as if I just slapped her. She let out a breath and stood.
It was hard walking away from Cole.
It was even harder to watch Ariel, my best friend, my partner in crime, my heart, walk out of the door and not look back at me. I felt her begin to hate me and I knew that I deserved it. I deserved every ounce of hatred she had because I had lied to her and I’d made Eric lie to her, too. I had made her fall in love with a lie and when what I did comes to light, I was going to lose her forever.
Or maybe I had already lost her forever.
My tears began fresh and I mourned for Ariel and Jasmine as if they’d died. As if I’d never see them again. I mourned for all the jokes we’d never again laugh at. Late night movies that we’d never watch. Gossip we’d never share. I’d never again look at Ariel in science class and make a funny face. We’d never be able to talk without saying a word again. Those times were over.
And I was alone.
Truly, hopelessly, terribly alone.
I’d done that to myself with a lie.
Now there was only one thing to do. I dried my tears and put on a jacket.
I’d lost everyone in my life that I loved. Now, I’d make it count for something. If nothing else, I would see that my school was no longer overrun with Jake’s poison.
I had to call Detective Harding and tell him what I’d learned. But I needed to see someone first. I had to say that I was sorry.
52
Mel Pleasant sat in the fading light of her living
room. She no longer looked like one quarter of what my friends and I called the evil queens. Her black and purple hair was pulled up into a loose ponytail, her face gaunt, her skin moonlight pale. She wore an oversized jean-colored sweater, black leggings and bare feet. It was the first time that I’d seen her with no make-up in, well, ever.
I stood in the doorway, not sure if I should go in or not.
“You can come in,” she said. “I’m not contagious.”
I swallowed and stepped into the room. Her mother had told me where Mel was, then disappeared. She was on the phone, talking to someone in hushed, angry tones. I was certain that the conversation was about her daughter.
The room was wide and comfortable. Soft, beige carpet, green cushioned chairs, high windows overlooking Central Park. A fireplace sat at the far wall, unlit.
Heavy sadness hung over the room like a black cloud. Sadness that radiated from Mel. It swirled in my lungs, hung around my heart, oozed within my gut. I coughed to keep from choking on it.
I sank in to the chair closest to Mel, resisting the urge to pull up my legs and wrap my arms around them. I had to be strong now. Mel needed me to be strong.
“I came to see how you’re doing.”
She turned from the window and looked straight at me. Her eyes looked sunken and she had dark bags beneath them. I swallowed a gasp.
“I’m leaving for rehab on Tuesday so I guess things could be better.”
“Rehab? You’re only sixteen.”
“Apparently, age is not really a factor when you overdose.”
I nodded, trying to find something to say that was a bit more cheerful. I failed.
“How long will you have to stay?”
“Long enough for me not to be an addict anymore. Or until I turn eighteen and my parents stop paying for it. Whichever comes first.”
I couldn’t imagine going to rehab. It was even harder to imagine being there for two years. My hands began to sweat and I nervously rubbed them on my jeans.
“Mel, I came to say that I knew you didn’t want to go with Kenny that night. I should have said something. I should have stopped you. I … I’m sorry.”
Her mouth tried to smile but ended up frowning instead.
“Do you think what happened to me is your fault?” she asked.
I nodded. “Yes. I should have said something. I should have-”
“I have been on and off with Kenny for the past two years,” she said, her voice rough but strong. “He gave me free drugs and I gave him whatever he wanted. It was a good arrangement while it lasted. We even liked each other from time to time.” Her lower lip shook and she sniffled, but didn’t cry. “What happened that night was just one mistake in a long line of mistakes. It wasn’t your fault.”
A weight lifted off me and I let out a breath.
“Thank you,” I said.
She looked at me with the same hollow expression, like she was a puppet that someone else was talking for. This was not the lively girl that I knew. This girl was a husk of her former glory. How could her life had gone so wrong?
“You are the first person in school to come and see me,” she said. “I’ve been home for three days and none of my friends came to see if I was okay.”
I frowned.
“On Friday, they basically fell apart in front of the entire school. They made your locker into a shrine with flowers and teddy bears and get well soon cards.”
She snorted. “I’m sure they did. That’s what they’re supposed to do. Girls like that, girls like me, we keep our attachments light. That way, if someone goes off the rails, it’s easier to cut ties. Popularity is all icy ground. One minute, you have your footing then next, your sliding off into oblivion and no one even asks if you’re okay.” She shook her head. “Why would you change? Why would you want to be like us? We are empty inside. Hollow. Why couldn’t you stay the way you were?”
A tear fell down her cheek, then another. She covered her face with one pale hand and sobbed loudly. I wrapped her in my arms and held her as she fell apart. Her words touched me deeper than I could express.
I’d felt the emptiness that popularity brought me but I didn’t believe it. I thought that there was something that I was missing. Some piece of the puzzle that, once found, would give me fulfillment. But there was no missing puzzle piece. There was nothing to fill me up. Just empty words and texts from people who only knew my name because of who my boyfriend was. Mel knew that. She tried to fill up the emptiness with drugs. Who knew what I would have turned to.
“Don’t do it,” Mel sobbed. “Don’t be like us.”
“I won’t.” I wiped away a stray tear. “I promise. And don’t worry. I won’t let what happened to you happen to anyone else. I’m going to put a stop to it. I swear.”
“The only way to stop it is to put Jake in jail and his father would never allow it. You have to face the facts. It can’t be stopped. He’s too powerful.”
Mel’s tears soaked into my shirt and we didn’t say anything further. After a long while, she dried her eyes and we bid each other goodbye.
Seeing Mel so down saddened me but it strengthened me, too. I’d made a promise to her. I would stop the drugs from coming in to my school. That was my purpose now. It was why I had lost everything. So that I could save my fellow students’ lives.
I descended the steps of Mel’s building and pulled out my phone.
It rang twice before a familiar voice answered.
“This is Detective Harding.”
“Detective, this is Bella French. I have the information you wanted about Jake Winsted but you have to promise me that you won’t tell my dad.”
53
Ariel and Jasmine weren’t there when I arrived at the front steps of our apartment. Funny, I thought that we would be even closer once we lived in the same building. Of course, that was before I had ruined everything with my lies.
I rode the subway alone then picked my way through the crowds that herded into school.
Jake could wait today. In fact, he could wait forever. I’d made up my mind. I would no longer be his puppet. It was time for me to remember who I was. I was Bella French. I was strong, I was honest and I was no one’s fake girlfriend.
With my new lease on life firmly wrapped around me, I walked up to my locker, only half surprised to see it graffitied with the word Tramp.
Such an old school word and with not nearly enough punch. Maybe Jezebel would have been better, or harlot. Something with some pizazz.
I pulled down the papers, gathered them into a neat pile and walked them to the garbage can.
Along the way, Dana passed me.
“Dana,” I called.
She turned and looked at me like I was an annoying mosquito she wanted to swat away.
She wasn’t with her usual troop of friends. I’d never seen her alone before but I was too pissed about my locker to think about that now.
“The next time you write on my locker, try using a thesaurus. Tramp is played.”
She squinted at me, her annoyance growing.
“What are you talking about? I didn’t write on your locker.”
I shook my head.
“I know you did. Just fess up and let’s call it even, okay?”
“If I wrote on your locker, it would be to call you out on you stealing my outfits or your stupid hair cut or your loser of a boyfriend. I would never call you a tramp. A prude, maybe. Weirdo. Freak. Spaz. Faker. Poser. And especially a liar. But I’m not ninety-seven years old. Therefore, I would never call anyone a tramp. Maybe try looking for someone who cares that you exist.”
She flipped her hair and walked away, leaving me speechless.
It didn’t make sense. If Dana wasn’t writing mean things on my locker, then who was?
54
I was summoned via text after third period. Only, it wasn’t by the Winsted brother that I wanted to see.
After enduring English with Cole so close and yet so far away, Jake practically sprinted over t
o me.
Cole glanced at me and left.
I wished he’d come back.
“What?” I asked, my irritation clear.
“We have to talk.”
He took my hand and dragged me halfway across school to the empty chemistry lab. His touch was different from Cole’s. Cole’s touch left trails of fire that burned in my blood, while Jake’s touch left me cold as ice.
He slammed the door behind us and turned to me, his hands on his hips, his eyebrows furrowed.
If Jake was worried, then something must have been wrong. My heart beat picked up in anticipation of his words.
“We have a problem,” he said.
“What problem?”
“Eric wants out.”
My heart literally stopped beating.
“What? Why?”
This was the worst thing that could happen. If Eric wanted out of the deal, Ariel would be devastated.
“He likes the girl. He said that he doesn’t want to keep lying to her.”
“Welcome to the club.”
“Forget about that now. If Eric tells Ariel, then our secret will be out. Dana will find out that you and me aren’t real. I’ll be the laughing stock of the school. Do you know what that means for a guy like me?”
“That you’ll finally understand what the rest of the school goes through every day at the hands of the popular kids?”
I crossed my arms over my chest. Jake was freaking out but I was surprisingly calm. I had made peace with the fact that when this was all said and done, the three most important people in my life would not want to have anything to do with me. Ariel, Jasmine and Cole would all be gone and I would be alone. The thought brought tears to my eyes but I sniffed them back. It would do me no good to cry now.
His frowned deepened.
“Try to act a little more concerned, French. This is my life we’re talking about. My reputation.”
“Funny. You had no qualms about destroying my life. My reputation.”
He ran his hands through his blond locks. “That’s because you didn’t have one that mattered.”