by Seven Steps
“Rock, paper, scissors?”
The light inside of me returns, more intensely this time.
“Fine.”
At the same time, we say, “Rock. Paper. Scissors. Shoot.”
Then he says, “Paper.”
The game was Eric’s idea. He used it to get around my tendency to clam up when something went wrong in my life.
If I’m not talking but nothing’s wrong, I’d say scissors to beat his paper.
If I’m not talking and something is wrong, I’d say rocks and let him win.
If something is wrong, but I don’t want to talk about it, I’d say paper and we’d end in a draw.
“Paper,” I say. It’d be weird to talk about my home life with Eric now. He’s not my boyfriend anymore. Plus, we’re already spending a lot of time gaming together, and I don’t want to give him any more mixed signals.
“Maybe rocks tomorrow?” he asks.
His voice is smooth and vibrant even though it’s two in the morning. My voice sounded creaky and hoarse. Figures.
I shake my head but say, “Maybe.”
I lean back in my chair and move my character toward some fireball refills.
“Red, you know you can still talk to me. You can still tell me what’s wrong. We’re friends now, remember?”
I don’t reply. My mind warns me that talking to Eric will only make things harder in the long run.
But my heart says something different.
I sigh, struggling to decide what I should listen to. My head, or my heart?
I want to tell Eric what’s happening in my life, but I can’t. It’s Eric. So much has happened between us, and our relationship is complicated at best. I can’t tell him anything so personal. Not anymore.
He doesn’t ask me what’s wrong again. For a while we don’t say anything.
I listen to him breathe.
We kill more ogres and collect more life-saving treasures.
He watches my back, and I watch his.
Side by side we conquer the world, while, in real life, I can barely bring myself to speak to him.
For an hour we play in tandem. Then, around three o’clock my eyes turn heavy.
Yesterday, I would have freaked out because I had a four o’clock swim practice. But that was yesterday. Today, I’m just a girl who has to be at school in four and a half hours. Not a captain. Not a teammate. Not a swimmer. Not anything.
My chest feels hollow, and I sniff back the tears that threaten to drip from my eyes.
“It’s late,” I say. “I’m logging off.”
“Same time tomorrow?” he asks. “Daniel Pike can’t conquer the world without you.”
The corners of my lips lift despite my misery.
“Earlier,” I say. “Back to ten o’clock. If I’m not on in fifteen minutes, go on without me.”
“Nah. I’ll wait for you.”
“Why? You can finish the mission on your own.”
“It’s no fun playing alone. Besides, I don’t want to miss you.”
He pauses just long enough for me to wonder about the meaning of his words.
“I’ll be on tomorrow at ten. And, Red?”
“Yeah?”
“If you need to talk, you know where to find me. In this game, and out of it. We’re friends now. Remember?”
“Yeah. Good night, Eric.”
“Night, Red.”
I close my eyes, turn off the headset, and let my head lean onto the game chair headrest. I allow myself exactly three seconds of missing Eric. Three seconds of missing our conversations. Our text messages. His arms around me. After my three seconds end, I shut off the game and climbed into bed.
Maybe these night games with Eric weren’t such a good idea. They kept us close. Kept us from moving on. I need to move on with my life.
I need to forget Eric Shipman.
Don’t I?
I bite my lip, mulling over my past with Eric. We only dated for a few weeks. Yet, I feel like I’ve known him for a lifetime. Our conversations were deep and rich. Our touches tender, yet filled with power. In less than a month our souls had found a way to wrap around each other, leaving permanent imprints. Scars too.
Now, after two months apart, he still fights by my side, whether it’s for a bookbag or against killer ogres.
I sigh, the fight against my raging emotions draining what little energy I have left.
I’ve lost so many things. Mama. Bella. Swimming. Right now, Eric seems like the only thing I have any chance of getting back.
Maybe I should give him another chance?
I blink, then rub my tired eyes.
I don’t have to make any decisions now. There’s always tomorrow. But somehow I know my heart has already made the decision for me.
And that’s a dangerous thing.
6
Sophia playfully pushes me as we walk toward our first period class.
“You should’ve come last night. It was total insanity!”
“I’ll bet.”
My eyes drift to the dark spot the size of two quarters on her neck. I wonder what boy made it.
“Liz’s parents were out of town, so we got super drunk, and I made out with Chad Dawkins. Ugh, it was like making out with a vacuum cleaner. Anyway, I told Chad to find another girl to suck on because I’m not like that.”
Sophia’s words spill out of her like a waterfall. When she’s nervous or excited, she talks a mile a minute. It’s like watching a real-life auctioneer.
“Then, and this is the best part, we dumped a bunch of laundry detergent in her hot tub and put the jets on. The entire pool filled with bubbles. My hair still smells like soap. Here. Smell.”
She bends her head toward me, and I sniff the thick, black strands. Sure enough, she smells like Tide laundry detergent.
“I had to drink two lattes and take ten aspirin this morning, but somehow made it to four o’clock practice. Can you believe it?”
We stop in front of her locker.
I try to pay attention to what Sophia’s saying, but my mind keeps thinking of Eric. Last night’s conversation has made me realize how much I miss him. It’s like the flood gates within me have opened and all of my emotions are rushing out at once. I have to talk to him. I have to tell him how I feel. I look around, but he’s nowhere in sight, so I lean against Sophia’s locker.
“Speaking of practice, I didn’t see you this morning.” Her eyebrow lifts in accusation. “You look beat.” Her head tilts to the side, and her eyes light. She scans my neck, then looks back into my eyes. “If you snuck out to be with a guy last night, you have to tell me. It’s part of the best friend rule book.”
I scoff. “No. Nothing like that. It’s my dad and sister.”
I fill Sophia in on the details of my family’s latest decision. When I finish my story, she stops pulling books from her locker and gives me a pitiful look.
“That’s so unfair! They can’t pull you out of The All Stars. We need you. You’re our captain!”
I take in Sophia’s dark eyes, her smooth brown skin, her thick, black hair that hangs in a single braid down her left shoulder. I let out a breath and tip up my chin.
“I’m not going to quit the team,” I say.
Whoa. Where did that come from? The words just spilled out of my mouth. When did I even think them?
Actually, I’m surprised I haven’t thought of them before. Yesterday, I didn’t think I had a choice. But today, the choice is so simple.
Defiance.
That’s my choice.
I ignore the ripples of fear that slide down my spine.
“But your dad and Duckie said—”
“I don’t care what they said. It’s my life, not theirs.” I tighten my grip on my bookbag to keep my hands from shaking. “Besides, you of all people should know what it’s like to have a parent who’s completely out of touch with reality.”
“Believe me, I know.”
“Good. So, it’s settled. I’m not going to quit the All
Stars, and no one is going to tell my dad or sister.”
Sophia gives me a look of surprise.
“That’s the Ariel I know. Courageous. Rage against the machine, right?”
“Exactly!”
We start walking again. Jeffrey Wolowitz, or Wally as he’s known around school, waves at Sophia. She waves back.
“What’s your backup plan?”
“Backup plan?”
“Yeah. What if your family finds out you’re not done with swim? What’s the contingency plan?”
Do you mean before or after they murder me and bury my body in the greenhouse?
I try to sound confident.
“There’s no backup plan. They’re just not going to find out.”
“But how do you know? What happened to the whole, Duckie’s eyes are everywhere, thing.”
I face forward and square my shoulders.
“They expect me to follow orders. It won’t even occur to them I’d disobey them. It’s fool proof.”
I haven’t answered her question, but she nods like I did.
When did I become so impulsive?
“Well, girly, I support you,” Sophia says. “And I can promise I won’t say anything to anyone named Swimworthy.”
“Thanks.”
Hopefully, no one else says anything either.
To my left, a group of teens stands in a circle in front of a locker.
My ex-best friend, Bella French, laughs at something Cole Winsted, Bella’s boyfriend, says. Eric is standing next to Cole, laughing too.
My heart leaps into my throat, as if trying to break out of my body and run to him. I step forward.
What will I say? What will he say? I don’t know.
All I know is I have to talk about what I’m feeling for him. What I’ve always felt for him.
Relief, sweet and heavy, descends upon me like an old, comfortable blanket. Eric and I will be Eric and I again. Ship and Red. Boyfriend and girlfriend. And, this time, nothing will break us apart.
“What’s that?” Sophia asks from behind me.
Her voice stops me, and I take in the scene.
Standing next to Eric is a pale, petite girl with short, black hair and rose red lips. She’s wearing a blue, long-sleeved T-shirt and red jeans with high boots.
I watch in horror as her hand glides to Eric’s shoulder.
Eric responds by pulling her into a side hug.
My chest burns. My eyes burn. But I can’t look away.
Who’s this girl, and why is she getting a side hug?
My eyes glue to Eric’s hand, which hasn’t left the girl’s shoulders.
My jaw aches, and I realize I’m clenching my teeth.
Who’s this girl?
“Uh, earth to Ariel. You’re staring.”
I straighten up, pulling all my strength to regain control of my body. My hair has fallen into my face—I must look like the definition of a psycho ex-girlfriend—and I brush it back.
“What? No, I wasn’t.” Why do I sound so breathless? So agitated?
Sophia smiles teasingly.
“Yes, you were.” She looks in the direction I’ve indeed been staring in. “Looks like lover boy has found a new pet.”
I bite the inside of my cheek so hard I taste blood.
“She’s not a pet,” I growl. “I don’t know who she is.”
Sophia holds up two hands in a defensive position.
“Whoa, easy, tiger. Maybe she’s his sister.”
“He’s an only child.”
“A cousin?”
“His only uncle, Frank I think, is married but doesn’t have any kids.”
She grimaces.
“His life coach?”
I turn on my heels and push past her.
Suddenly, nothing is enough. There’s not enough air in the room. There’s not a big enough pool for me to work off the sense of betrayal. And there’s definitely not enough distance between me and Eric.
“Ariel, wait up.” Sophia jogs behind me as I storm into my first period class.
Without saying a word, I drop down in my seat and try to wrangle my wild thoughts.
Who’s that girl? Why was she all over Eric? And why does my heart feel like it’s just been ripped out of my chest all over again?
∞∞∞
Somehow, I make it to lunch without bursting into tears.
I should’ve gone home.
I watch as all my ex-best friends fight for the mystery girl’s attention. Bella’s planted herself on the girl’s right, while Eric sits close on her left. Too close. Their bodies are touching, and I want to puke. Cole sits with his back to me on the other side of the table, throwing his head back and cracking up like it’s all the funniest thing in the world.
And here I am. Fuming so hard I can barely see straight.
“…So, I bet I could drink more beer through my nose than she could.”
I try to focus on Sophia’s stories about the party last night, but my eye keeps wandering over to the lunch table filled with people I once knew. And a girl I don’t.
The most irritating part of it is that every time I look at Eric, he looks directly back at me and gives me a little wave or a wink or a smile. It’s like he has some sort of six sense or something.
Rude, considering his new girlfriend is sitting right next to him.
“Um… earth to Ariel. Sorry, am I boring you?”
My eyes snap back to Sophia. Her brows are squeezed, her sandwich sitting uneaten on her plate.
“No. You, uh, you were drinking beer through your nose with Maria.”
Her mouth turns down into a frown.
“If you don’t go talk to them soon, I’m going to do it for you. It’s obvious you want to be friends again, so go over there and get it over with already. I’m starting to feel like a third wheel.”
I scoff. “You’re not. You’re the first wheel. And besides, I don’t have anything to talk about with them.”
“Then why have you been staring at them all period?”
“I haven’t.”
“You have.”
“No, I haven’t.”
“Yes, you have.”
“Sophia.”
“Ariel.”
I run a finger over the top of my untouched cheese sandwich.
“They were looking. I looked back. It doesn’t mean I want to be friends with them again.”
I just want to set the new girl’s hair on fire. Is that too much to ask?
I place my hand on Sophia’s. Her frown deepens.
“I’m your friend now, and I love hearing all about your crazy stories. I’m just curious about the new girl. That’s all.”
Sophia’s frown lifts slightly while my chest grows tighter.
Why does it feel like I’m lying to her when everything I said is true?
Almost everything, my treacherous mind says.
I choke the thought, stuff it into a box, slam it shut, and swallow the key. Then, I give Sophia my sweetest smile, even though I’m feeling sour and bitter.
“Tell me again how Maria gagged when the beer went down her nose.”
Sophia breaks into laughter. I laugh too, even though I don’t feel like it. I force my eyes to Sophia. Not looking over her shoulder is the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life.
“It was great. I thought she was going to have a seizure! She was all, ack ack ack.” Sophia’s arms go wide, her eyes bulge, and she takes great, choking breaths. “She looked like she was about to explode.”
I force myself to talk and laugh with Sophia for twenty more minutes. Then, the bell rings, announcing the end of our lunch period.
Thank God. One more second and I would have leapt over our table and demanded to know who little miss, short, dark and ruby lips is. I feel terrible. Like I was lying to Sophia by sitting here and hanging out with her while my mind was somewhere else. I feel like a liar. A faker. A fraud.
All of the things Vanessa has called me once. All of the things I thought I’
d never be.
Seeming to sense my unease, Eric smiles wide at me, takes mystery girl’s hand, holds it up, and waves me over. Mystery girl even smiles and waves at me.
This is crazy. The notion that I’d go anywhere near that table is pure insanity.
One, Bella and Cole are sitting there, and I avoid them like the plague.
Two, I have no intention of meeting Eric’s new girlfriend.
And three, I’m so tied up in knots I’m pretty sure I’m about five seconds from puking.
So, I do the only logical thing there is to do.
I pretend I don’t see them, grab Sophia’s hand, and run out the door.
“What the—” Sophia begins to protest.
“I’ll tell you later,” I say.
Maybe it wasn’t logical. It might have been more of a childish, cowardly move. But, right now, I’m not feeling logical at all. I’m an emotional wreck.
I need to get it together. I need to think. I need to calm down.
Too bad swim is still hours away.
7
I go to the bathroom to wash my face, apply some makeup, and get my head on straight. I can’t shake the picture of Eric and pale girl from my mind. Just seeing them together triggers something in me. Something angry and sad and confused.
I scrub my hands fiercely, telling myself it’s over between Eric and me anyway and that I can’t be jealous that he’s moving on. The logical part of me tries to convince myself I’m being insane. That I don’t love Eric anymore. That I’m being dramatic. Yes, I thought about getting back with him, but that was just a phase. A small moment of time I’ll forget in a few days.
But my emotional side tells an entirely different story.
“Um, you’re Ariel, right?”
I freeze in shock as Eric’s mystery girl comes strutting out of the bathroom as if she’s on a fashion runway. Her eyes hook onto mine, and she gives me a friendly smile.
My mouth must be hanging open, because she chuckles a little.
Get it together, girl, I tell myself.
I shake the water from my hands and move to the paper towel holder.
“Yes,” I reply, struggling to sound nonplussed. “And you are?”
“Purity Dubois. I just moved here from Atlanta.”
She has one of those southern accents that makes it sound like she should be sipping sweet tea at a debutante ball somewhere.