by Seven Steps
I frowned. “But I already started working on my self-portrait.”
“Well, now we’re going to stop working on your self-portrait.”
“Why?”
“Because when you paint, you have to know the subject. That’s the only way to capture the essence of them on paper. You can’t paint yourself yet.”
“Because I don’t know myself?” I whispered.
Why did that make me feel so stupid?
He looked unflinchingly into my eyes. “Look, don’t sweat it. Everyone has some part of them they’re not sure about. You said so yourself that you’ve never wanted for anything. You need more life experience to truly know what you want your self-portrait to say about you.”
What did that all mean? It sounded like something I’d find in a fortune cookie at the local Chinese restaurant.
I sighed in defeat and started outlining Bella’s face.
After a few minutes, I heard Ollie shift positions. Then he shifted again. Finally, after the third shift, he blew out a frustrated breath.
“Look, this isn’t really going to work for me. I’m over here, you’re over there, and plus, I’m squished. What do you say we change positions?”
I looked up from my sketchpad, confused.
How could we change positions? The booth was so small. There was nowhere for us to go.
He stood, or rather stooped, and held out his hand.
“Come here,” he said.
My heart sped up. I remembered the night at the overpass. How he’d wrapped me in his arms. I could still smell his spicy aftershave.
I placed my hand in his, and in one smooth move, he pulled me up. I quickly took my hand back, trying not to focus on how warm it’d become. Then he moved behind me and sat, legs spread, on the fluffy rug on the ground. His raised brows told me he wanted me to do the same thing.
Me, sit between Ollie’s legs? No way. I couldn’t do that. It was indecent.
“Come on. It’s cramped in here.”
Butterflies burst in my stomach, and my fingers gripped the sketchpad.
“Don’t worry. I won’t bite. Well, unless you ask me to.”
Now it felt like the butterflies just had a million screaming babies. But, I sat down anyway, with either one of Ollie’s legs on either side of my body. My back felt like electric currents were racing through it as it pressed into his chest.
“Much better. Now, draw.”
“With you watching me?” I asked.
“Yes. How am I supposed to know if you’re screwing it up or not?”
My lungs felt like they were in a strangle hold, and my stomach tied up in knots.
“Just relax, Princess,” he said. “Focus.”
It was a hard edict to follow, but I tried anyway. I blocked out Ollie’s closeness as best as I could and focused on my task.
I outlined the heads and hair, then started on the features. I’d just finished Bella’s eyes when I felt Ollie shift and lean forward, placing his head on my shoulder.
My body heated, like I was sitting on a hot stove.
“Nope. All wrong.”
“What’s wrong?” My voice was low and mousy. It was all I could muster.
“Her eyes are all wrong.”
“What’s wrong with her eyes?”
“They’re dead. I’m sorry. Are your friends all dead?”
I rolled my eyes. “No.”
“Then you shouldn’t draw them that way.”
“How am I supposed to know what that means?”
“Okay, look. What’s her name?” He pointed the pencil to Bella’s picture.
“Bella.”
“This Bella, what kind of person is she? What are some of her qualities?”
“Well, she’s kind. Funny. Loves music. Laid back.”
“So, if she’s all those things, we should see it in her face. Like her eyes. If she’s funny, we should see that in her eyes. Her smile should be soft. Kind. Maybe raise her brows to show her joy. Muss her hair a little. Give her some life.”
My heart sank a bit. I thought I was doing well, but it seemed like I had a lot of work to do.
“Well, that’s a lot of notes.”
“You wanted me to teach you. I’m teaching you. Now.” He picked up the sketchpad and turned to a clean page. “Try again. And don’t just draw her. See her first. Then, let the feelings she stirs in you bleed all over the page.”
I scoffed. “Yes. Sure. I know exactly how to do that.”
“Look, just try, okay? It’ll all work out.”
“You sound more confident than I feel.”
“Will you shut up and draw? Jeez!”
I signed and closed my eyes. I imagined Bella sitting on her couch wearing her favorite King Kong T-shirt and jeans. Her wild curls spilled over her shoulders. Her eyes bright with laughter and a smile on her full lips.
Keeping the vision firmly in mind, I opened my eyes and set to work.
My pencil flew across the page, and everything else fell away. It felt like I was in a trance. Like I was watching myself draw, giving myself direction, recognizing my mistakes, and fixing them. I didn’t snap out of it until I had finished both Bella’s and Ariel’s portraits.
That was when I felt it. Ollie’s hands resting on the ground, close to my hips. His breath on my neck. His legs surrounding mine.
I jumped out of my skin and let out a shriek, flinging my sketchbook in the air.
“Don’t scare me like that!” I said, grabbing my pounding heart.
“Scare you? I’ve been sitting here quietly the entire time. I think my butt when numb.”
“Well, just, don’t. Okay?”
“You were zonked out, weren’t you? How’d it feel to be in the zone? Completely Zen?”
My chest was still heaving like I’d just run a marathon.
I’d been in the zone before, but this was different. Deeper. Normally, when I painted or drew, I was very aware that I was painting or drawing. But, tonight, it felt like I was channeling myself. It felt right.
“And look at how you bleed.” Ollie held the sketchbook out for me to see. It was like seeing it for the first time. There was so much emotion in my friends’ faces that they almost seemed real.
“I did that?”
“Yes, you did. It’s a start, Princess. A really good start.”
Something warm flooded my chest and I turned my head to the right. Ollie was still so close. His head hovered next to my cheek. If I turned just a little further, our lips would touch. Of their own volition, my eyes looked down at his lips. They were so full and looked so soft. How would they feel against mine? Curiosity swept through me. Did he feel it too? Gut tight, body wound, I allowed my gaze to travel from Ollie’s lips. Up his nose. Then, to his eyes.
Eyes that were staring at my lips too.
My body turned to flame. My lips buzzed.
I couldn’t breathe.
He inched closer.
My eyes closed. My lungs tightened.
I wanted him to kiss me.
At that very second, I needed him to kiss me.
I expected his warmth but, instead, felt the loss of his heat as he stood and left the booth, leaving me alone.
Disappointment crushed me. Drowned me. Slithered down my spine. I swallowed and tried to breathe again.
Did that just happen? My body and my thoughts were so out of control that I could barely think. Had I just wanted to kiss Ollie? The boy I wasn’t supposed to like?
No, I couldn’t.
I liked Andrew, not Ollie.
It was this place. People shouldn’t be in such tiny booths sitting between each other’s legs.
Strange things happened.
Really strange things.
I gathered my sketchbook—and my breath—and checked my phone.
It was two in the morning already? My parents were going to kill me if they found out I was out this late.
I shoved everything into my purse and burst through the blanket.
“Guys, I have to get back. It’s two o’clock.”
“Two o’clock?” Jeff said with a smirk. “It’s still early.”
Oliver cut Jeff a look, and, for once, Jeff quieted down.
“I’ll take you back,” he said. “It’ll do me good to turn in early.”
The rest of the group, who’d been leaning over the desk, working on their virtual tag, stood up and stretched.
“Yeah, let’s get out of here,” Jean said. “Besides, I could use a coffee.”
I shook my head.
How did they do this every night? I had no idea how I was even going to wake up for school tomorrow.
I needed a plan, because one thing in my life was crystal clear.
I was definitely coming back tomorrow.
29
Today was going to be horrendous.
I’d snoozed my alarm three times this morning and caused my friends to nearly miss the train.
I managed to offset most of the ‘What happened last night?’ and ‘You look exhausted.’ comments by telling them I was on my period. Bella treated me to a chocolate bar after that.
I was so tired I ordered coffee instead of tea on the way to the train this morning, which drew worried looks from Ariel and Bella. A period couldn’t explain why I was suddenly switching my drinks up. I never drank coffee.
Like a zombie, I walked through the halls to my first period class.
“Hey, Princess.”
Ollie’s voice slid through me, pooling in my gut. Tiredness played with my inhibitions and I was surprised to feel excitement at the prospect of talking to him. Well, as excited as I could be while I was this tired.
“Hey,” I replied, yawning to hide the odd feelings that now flowed through me.
“I see you made it to school unscathed.” He started walking, and I ambled beside him. “I can’t even do that most days.”
“Well, unlike you, school is important to me. I want to do more than vandalize for the rest of my life.”
“We all have our roles to play, I guess.”
“What’s your role? Criminal?”
He smirked. “Teacher, lately.”
I smiled. Our banter was so easy flowing this morning. No malice. No ill intent. Just… light.
I liked it.
We paused by his locker.
“So, what do you want to do?” he asked. “Since you apparently have your entire life figured out.”
I leaned against the locker, enjoying the cool metal on my skin.
“Paint.” It spilled from my mouth so effortlessly that it surprised me.
He nodded. “Jasmine Patel, kind of bad girl turned big city artist.”
I chuckled. “Kind of bad girl?”
His cheeks turned the slightest shade of pink. The color looked good on his olive skin. “Well, you’ll have to do a lot more to be an all bad girl.”
“Is that included in my lessons?”
“Let’s call it extra credit.”
Shivers wrecked my spine. He was closer now. Too close. I scoffed and dropped my eyes to my shoes. But Ollie stayed put. Taking up my space. Using up my air.
Did he feel what I felt? Was he as nervous as I was?
I took a step back and brushed a strand of hair behind my ear.
“So, what do you want to do after you graduate?” I asked, trying to slow down my heart.
“Family business,” he replied.
“And what’s that?”
“Ruling a kingdom.”
I snorted, a kingdom of RATZ, no doubt.
Just then, Jean, Able, and Jeff pulled up.
“Wow, Jasmine,” Jeff said. “You’re here.”
“Why does everyone think it’s so difficult to attend school after you’ve been out all night?” I asked.
“Um, because it is,” Jean replied.
“Because sleep is the best,” Able said.
“And because school sucks,” Jean added.
I shook my head. With that attitude, none of them would get very far in life.
“So, meet up tonight?” Jeff asked. “Same time and place.”
I’d just opened my mouth to agree when another voice came from behind me.
“Hey, Jasmine.”
A hand went to my lower back and I turned to it.
Andrew stood there, smiling at me and, at the same time, eyeing the people around me.
I immediately stood up straight and crossed my arms over my chest, creating a wall between Ollie and me.
“Andrew. Hi.”
“Hi.”
He looked around the group, his eyes settling on Ollie.
“Oliver, right?” he asked.
Ollie nodded. “You know it.”
“Yeah, I do.”
Their eyes dueled for a moment longer before Andrew turned to the rest of our small group.
“Andrew Johnson,” he said to Jean. “Like the president.”
“Jean Wick. Like the movie.”
“Able Wu. Like the student.”
Andrew smiled bigger. I didn’t know if he knew they were mocking him or not. But I knew it, and I felt terrible for him. Andrew had never hurt anyone. He was super nice and super sweet. He didn’t deserve to be made fun of.
Plus, the movie was John Wick, not Jean Wick.
He turned back to me.
“Are you ready for our big date tomorrow?”
Someone sucked in a breath. I didn't look to see who it was.
When I didn’t answer right away he raised an eyebrow. “You remembered the family dinner tomorrow night, right?”
Ugh. It had slipped my mind. But I couldn’t tell Andrew that.
“Yes. How could I forget?”
Very easily, apparently.
“I decided to fly instead of drive out to Sagaponack. Traffic is brutal.”
“You’re flying?” I asked.
“Yeah. Dad’s coming with us, and he hates traffic.”
I was going to be stuck on a plane with Andrew’s father for the entire trip? I shouldn’t have been surprised, even though I was. Andrew’s father obviously lived here in the city and he’d have to go home to the family dinner.
Which meant we’d be traveling buddies.
Would he ask about my future like before? I didn’t want to lie to him again, but I couldn’t tell him the truth. Andrew had made it crystal clear that painter was not a profession the Johnson family endorsed.
“Sounds fun,” I said, already feeling stress tightening my shoulders.
“Great. I’ll have a driver pick us up at half past five.”
“Okay.”
He held out his arm to me.
“Can I walk you to your next class?”
I took it. But something felt off. Wrong with it all. And I didn’t understand what that something was.
“Yeah. Sure.” I turned to wave at my new friends. Well, almost all of them. Ollie had turned his back to me, digging into his locker for some unknown thing.
Then, I walked away, on Andrew’s arm.
He was charming. His blond hair and perfect smile were straight out of a movie. I should have felt like the princess of the ball. But, right now, I was just feeling tense.
Maybe I was more tired than I thought.
“Have you ever ridden a horse before?” he asked.
“A few times. Not recently, though.”
“That’s a shame. Maybe you can come over one weekend and you can ride the horses around the paddock. They’re gentle and well broken in.”
The offer tempted me. I didn’t ride horses often, but when I did it was fun.
“Sure,” I said. “I’d love to. Can I bring my friend, Bella? Her grandparents have a horse farm.”
“Sure. Bring whomever you like. It’ll be like a little party.” He smiled big at me. “And you’ll be the guest of honor.”
I smiled back. “That sounds fantastic.”
“You’re fantastic.”
We stopped in front of my classroom and he dropped his arm from me. He then gest
ured to my hand.
“May I?”
I nodded, though I was confused.
Then, he raised my hand to his lips and softly kissed the knuckle of my middle finger. His lips were soft and cool. I raised my hand to my chest, trying to still my racing heart.
“I’ll see you soon, Jasmine.”
There was no doubt about it. Andrew had all the right moves.
“Bye, Andrew.”
He walked backward a few paces, keeping his eye on me, before turning and walking toward his next classes.
Being with Andrew was like being in a fairy tale. I should have been floating to my seat.
But I felt different now.
Heavier.
I walked into art class and opened my book, trying my best to understand why that magical feeling had suddenly gone away.
30
Andrew carried my books to my last two classes. I added considerate and thoughtful to the list of qualities I liked about him, along with the pre-existing handsome, mature, and kind. Still, I was careful about where we went. When I saw Ollie or Jean or Able or Jeff, I maneuvered us away from them, even if it meant going out of our way. I told Andrew I liked our walks too much to end them so fast, but the truth was I didn’t want the RATZ to see us. I didn’t want things to be tense like they’d been earlier today by the lockers.
And I didn’t want anything to change for my art lessons.
I slid into the seat in chemistry and peeked over at Ollie. He was already furiously drawing on a sheet of paper.
“What’s that?” I leaned in close and whispered, “Something for the tag?”
“Nope. Just doodling.”
“Can I see?”
He regarded me for a moment, then slid the drawing over to my side of the table.
“What the Princess wants, the Princess gets.”
I looked down at the white page. It was a picture of a big, hairy dog chasing his tail. But the dog had a short mid-section, and the tail was stumpy. With those dimensions, he’d never catch it. Yet, somehow it felt like this was no miscalculation. Ollie had decided to draw the dog this way. But why would he draw something so off? It wasn’t like him.
I slid the paper back to him, and he continued to fill in the details.
Mr. Khan started talking, and we fell into the comfortable rhythm of me taking notes and him drawing an entire scene around his short dog.