by Seven Steps
“So, the cops just let her go?”
“Yeah.”
“No lawyer or anything? Does she have a future court date?”
“No. She’s good.”
“But how could she get arrested and just walk out of the precinct?”
“Don’t worry about it. It’s handled. Just… I don’t know… Just don’t worry, okay? Promise me you won’t worry.”
I rubbed my hands on my temples. None of his answers made sense, but we were already late for class and I didn’t want to be out here too long and Mrs. Meredith send a search party for me.
“Yeah. Okay.”
He kissed me on the lips, then we went inside to sit down.
Questions continued to circle as the mystery of who Oliver Santiago really was deepened.
Ollie rented at least two apartments in Brooklyn and hung out in an old warehouse in Red Hook. He drove an old van and was in an elite school with no visible indications of doing well enough in school to stay there. Plus, he somehow had enough money to bail his friends out of jail and not have their names plastered all over the news.
Something wasn’t adding up.
Something big.
And I was going to find out what that something was.
59
Jean didn’t come to the hideout that night. I hadn’t seen her in school, and she wasn’t in the van when Ollie picked me up.
Able told me she’d gone back home because she was tired. But deep in my heart, I knew it was more than that. Something was going on with her that I couldn't describe. I was missing something, but I didn’t know what. I felt stupid and foolish, and so I stayed quiet during my time at the hideout.
It seemed that everyone here was feeling Jean’s loss.
Ollie didn’t steer me to the booth like he usually did. We all went to the table and quietly worked on our pieces. We barely spoke, allowing the art to scream our pain for us.
I missed Jean’s laugh. Her wit. She was like the heart of our little group, and, though I’d never admit it to her, she’d grown on me.
And my work that night reflected it.
It was a close-up of a woman picking a flower in a garden. Four of the flowers in the garden were stooped over yellow dandelions. The fifth flower, the one being picked, was a dandelion painted blue. I painted a bit of red in the stem and was sure to make the part of the stem still attached to the ground jagged and bloody. The picked, blue dandelion stood straight, almost defiant in the woman’s hand.
That was how I saw Jean. Strong and defiant.
“That’s the first set of flowers I’ve seen you draw that actually mean something.” Jeff’s voice came up behind me, right over my right shoulder. I turned slightly and gave him an appreciative smile.
“Was it something I did?” I asked.
It was a question I’d been too scared to ask Ollie, in case the answer was yes. But Jeff had always been kind to me, and I knew he’d give me a straight answer.
“No,” he said. “It’s not you. It’s him.” He jerked his chin at Ollie, who was engrossed in whatever he was drawing. “It’s hard to love someone for so long and see them fall for someone else.”
My eyes opened wide, and I stared up at Jeff.
“She’s in love with him?”
He looked at me, pity in his eyes, and nodded. “Since the first day she saw him. And then you came along.”
My heart sank. I had no idea.
Was that why Jean was so mean to me at first? Because she loved Ollie and he was paying so much attention to me?
“What should I do?” I asked.
Jeff took in my painting, tipping his head to the side as he did.
“I guess there are only two options. If you stay, Jean won’t come back. If you go, she will. You’ll have to decide what’s more important. You being part of the RATZ, or Jean coming home.”
I frowned.
Jeff patted my shoulder and walked back to his side of the table.
My head was spinning.
I wanted to be here. I liked being part of the RATZ. And I liked being around Ollie. But I didn’t want to do it if it meant Jean would never come back. After all, she was here first. She was the one slighted by Mr. Mann, not me. She deserved whatever good came out of this tag.
If I ever stopped coming around, I’d still have friends who would love me.
But would Jean?
I didn’t want to be the reason she’d isolate herself.
I tried to imagine myself in her shoes. Ollie and I had kissed in front of her. We’d hugged. We’d spent hours inside of the booth away from her. Did she think I was parading myself in front of her on purpose? Did she think I was deliberately trying to steal Ollie away?
I would never do that. If I had known Jean liked Ollie, I would have never gone near him. How could I not have known? How could I have been so blind?
I put down my pen and stared off into space.
I didn’t want to leave. But it seemed like it was inevitable.
Jean deserved to be here, among her friends. Her tribe. Her countrymen. I was just an outsider who had come along for the ride and fallen in love somewhere along the way.
I sat in front of my canvas for what seemed like hours. Or maybe it was minutes. I don’t know. What I did know was that when I heard Ollie’s voice, everyone else was gone.
It was just him and me alone now.
I suppose it was better that way. I’d made a decision and I didn’t want to break the news to him in front of everyone.
“I didn’t know you were a blood on the canvas type of painter,” he said.
I looked back at my painting. At the blue dandelion. It cemented my resolve.
“Yeah. Me neither.”
He stepped closer.
“You okay?”
“Yeah. I’m fine. Just. I… I don’t think I can do this anymore.”
He was right in front of me now. I felt the familiar reaction of my body when he neared. Racing heart. Tight lungs. Buzzing lips. Goose bumps.
“Do what?”
“I don’t think I can come here anymore.”
He frowned at me so hard I thought his face would crack. “What? Why?”
This was harder than I thought. Way harder. A tear slipped down my cheek and I quickly brushed it away.
“I just… I think it’s time to move on.”
His frown eased some, morphing into a confused look.
“Why?”
“This has run its course. I’m getting better with my paintings. The mural’s almost done. Maybe it’s time I give the RATZ a break.”
He took a step back and ran his hands through his hair, mussing it. Somehow, that made it look even better.
“No. I can’t let you do that.”
“But I have to.”
“You’re not serious.”
I stood. “Please. Just take me home.”
“No. I’m not going to take you home until we figure this thing out.”
“It’s already figured out. I don’t belong here. What else is there to say?”
“No. You’re wrong. You took that test, the same as us. You belong here.”
“How can you say that?”
“Because it’s true.”
“No, it’s not. Look, Ollie, you’ve taught me everything you can. I think it’s time for me to continue learning on my own.”
“Princess, you can’t leave.”
All the pain that spiraled in his eyes was the same pain I felt.
I thought leaving the RATZ would be easy. It wasn’t. It was a special kind of torment I’d never felt before. Like I was leaving my family.
That’s what the RATZ were to me. My family.
But sometimes families break up, and it’s for the better.
I’d made a choice, and it would be for the better.
I had to believe it would be for the better.
“Ollie, I have to go, or else Jean will never come ba—”
“Please, Princess. We need you here. I need you
here.”
I leaned on the table because if I didn’t my wobbly legs would give out.
“Please, Ollie. Take me home. My time here is done. It’s time for me to move on, without the RATZ.”
The look on his face devastated me. Like he’d just watched the only thing he loved in the world get stomped on. And it was all my fault.
That look would haunt me for the rest of my life.
But this was the right thing to do. Jean belonged here, and I couldn’t be the one to stand in her way.
Ollie sniffled and wiped his nose with the back of his hand.
“Fine. Fine. I’ll take you home. But you can never come back here again. Understand? That booth. Our booth. The lessons. They’re all done with.”
It was a final, desperate threat. One I had to contend with.
I didn’t belong here.
Jean did.
Not me.
I couldn’t make her stay away because of my selfish need to be around Ollie all the time.
I nodded, though my insides were raging. “I understand. I’m sorry, Ollie.”
He stared at me, eyes as dead as they were in my portraits.
Zombie eyes, he’d called them.
“Then, I’ll take you home.”
He turned from me then, gathering his things.
A few minutes later he stormed out the door, not saying a word to me.
I took one last look at the place I’d grown to love.
The place that had changed me forever.
Then I followed him out the door.
60
Ollie didn’t speak to me the entire ride home, nor did he call or text me that night. In fact, I didn’t see him again until I walked into school. He was standing by Jean’s locker, with Able and Jeff surrounding him. Jean’s back was pressed against the locker and she had one foot propped up against it.
She looked sad. Almost devastated.
I stood there, watching my old crew. Wondering what they would do tonight. Would they go out tagging? Would they work on the VT? Would they even notice I was gone?
Jean caught sight of me, and her face took on a strange, sorrowful expression.
Then, she pushed off the locker and fell directly into Ollie’s arms.
His body immediately reacted, squeezing her tight.
Tighter than he’d ever squeezed me.
The air left my lungs.
Then, a dark thought rose in my mind.
Was something going on between them?
Jeff did say she was in love with him.
Had Jean confessed her feelings to Ollie last night?
Did Ollie reciprocate them?
Were they together now?
Hot betrayal sliced through my heart. I’d quit the RATZ, but I didn’t quit Ollie. He and I were still together, weren’t we?
I started to walk to them but stopped myself. What would I say? What would Jean say to me? What if he’d… what if they’d…
I felt my insides whirl.
My mind and my heart went to war. One half telling me to be calm and to get all the facts, while the other told me he’d already cheated on me with Jean.
Just like my father cheated on my mother.
Tears threatened to overtake me, but I gulped back air.
I needed to get to a quiet place. I needed time to think. To calm myself down or else I was going to fall apart right here in the hallway in front of everyone.
I squeezed myself against the lockers farthest from the RATZ and followed the crowd until I reached a girls’ bathroom. Then, I power walked past a group of girls applying their makeup, marched into a stall, and plopped down on the closed lid.
Bathrooms usually skeeved me out, but today my mind was too busy trying not to rip in half to worry about that.
“Is that you, Jasmine?”
Ursula’s voice drifted through the cracks in the bathroom door.
“I’ll bet you saw Ollie and Jean this morning, huh?” She sighed. “I’ve been trying to get her away from Ollie for weeks, but she’s like a leech or something. And now, they’re practically making out in the hallway. It sucks. Wasn’t he your boyfriend?”
I put my hand over my mouth to keep from screaming. The tears I’d been fighting back so desperately in the hallway flowed freely now.
“Whatever. Boys love and boys leave. That’s the way the world works. That’s why I’ve moved on. Maybe you should too. I hear that Wolowitz has the hots for you. Weren’t you two in math club together? I always thought you’d make a cute couple.”
My heart burst within my chest, its shards slicing up my insides.
“Ursula, you are the worst.” Dana laughed.
“I’m just trying to help the poor girl.” Ursula chuckled.
“Aren’t you a saint?”
The girls giggled together before I heard the door open and close.
When the bathroom turned silent, I completely fell apart.
61
After dousing my face with gallons of cold water, I finally made it to art class.
Mrs. Meredith handed me a last slip, and I shoved it into my pocket and went to sit in my seat.
“Hey, where were you?” Ollie asked, sitting up in his chair.
“In the bathroom,” I replied shortly. Sadly.
“For that long? Are you okay?”
“Yeah. I’m fine.”
I picked up my pencil, feeling dazed and out of sorts.
The questions swirled in my mind. Did something happen between Ollie and Jean? Did Ollie cheat on me with her?
“Look, last night was a little crazy,” he said. “But I talked it over with everyone and we want you to come back to the RATZ.”
“We?” I asked.
“Yeah. Jeff, Able, me.”
“But not Jean?”
He shook his head. “Jean’s going through a lot right now, but that doesn’t have anything to do with you. She’ll come around.”
“No. She won’t.”
I built several squares with rounded corners and drew hearts on them. Playing cards. I stacked them one on top of the other in cubes. Then, I drew a big black raincloud, coming to blow them away. I even drew one card blowing in the wind.
That was how I felt.
Like I was blowing in the wind. It was the last piece I had to draw for the project. I slid it over to Ollie.
“Here, finish it,” I said. His eyebrows rose.
“Um, are you okay?” Ollie asked.
“Yeah, I’m fine.”
“And are we okay? I mean, I needed time to cool off after last night, but I came to school early to see you.”
My gut clenched, and it took everything I had to not scream at him.
“Really? Me?” I asked.
“Yes. Who else would I be coming to see?”
The bell rang, and I quickly grabbed my things. I needed to get away from Ollie. I needed to get away from this class. From this art class. From everything.
I stormed out.
Ollie didn’t follow me.
And my heart broke a little more.
62
I drifted through my classes like a ghost. Not really there at all.
My mind kept spinning around Ollie and Jean.
Had he really cheated on me?
Maybe it was just a hug?
Maybe he was consoling an old friend?
Maybe I was overreacting?
By the time I made it to lunch, I felt ready to have my friends rally around me and tell me if I was crazy or not.
Because I felt crazy right now. Like I was a spinning top on the edge of a cliff.
I threw my books into my locker and turned to go to lunch.
Then everything inside me caught fire.
Jean was leaning against Ollie’s locker.
Jean had Ollie’s shirt by the collar.
And they were kissing.
Right there, in the open, for everyone to see.
For me to see.
Anger infused me.
Confusion swallowed me whole.
Embarrassment turned my entire body red.
I was right.
This morning wasn’t just an ordinary hug.
This kiss confirmed that.
It confirmed everything.
I grabbed my bookbag and my coat from my locker, turned, and did the only thing I could do in that moment.
I ran.
Ollie had promised never to hurt me.
I told him I was afraid of being cheated on, and less than two days later that was exactly what he was doing? Cheating. Right there in the hallway in full view of everyone.
It completely destroyed me.
Like a fool I trusted Oliver Santiago with my heart and look where it got me.
Running down the school hallway, bawling my eyes out.
My mother was right.
You can never trust a man with your happiness.
He’ll only let you down.
I knew it. I knew it from the start, even though he’d assured me he’d never do such a thing.
I handed him my heart and he crushed it.
Why did he have to crush it?
I ran out of the building, back to my car, and drove away. I held in all my emotions until I got home. And then, I ran into my room, threw myself on the bed, and completely fell apart.
I let my tears fall and screamed into my pillow. Then I punched the pillow because it reminded me of Ollie’s face.
How could he do this to me? He said he cared for me. And now, he was with Jean?
I was blindsided. I never thought Ollie would do this to me.
Didn’t they care if I saw them?
Didn’t they care about me at all?
Text messages and voicemails came hard and fast, but I ignored them all.
I didn’t want to talk to anyone.
I wanted to just find some ice cream, put on a sad movie, and cry alone in my room. Right now, the only other creature on the planet I wanted to see was Raja.
I padded through the empty apartment, found myself a box of rocky road and a spoon, locked myself in my bedroom, and put on the saddest movie I could find. Then, I cried into my ice cream, wondering where I had gone wrong.
63