No one—of that she felt sure.
“Good…good night, Varin,” she whispered at last, realizing he was waiting for her to dismiss him. “I’ll see you in the morning.”
“All right. Good night, Mistress,” he said again and left.
Still fighting back tears, Brynn curled on her side, pressing her face to the warm spot on the pillow where he’d been while he comforted her and she sucked him.
But it was a long…long time before she could go back to sleep.
Chapter Twenty-eight
The next few days were incredibly tense. For one thing, Varin was excruciatingly aware of how close he was getting to the expiration of his slave chip. They were pushing the stolen ship hard—going as fast as the hyperdrive and the hydrogen-scoop engine would let them—but still they were at least a day’s flight from the Blind. And he was well aware that when they got there, they still had to go through it to get to the other side and hopefully find his people. Would he make it? He honestly didn’t know.
But that wasn’t the only source of tension—Brynn’s nightmares had gotten worse.
He knew because he heard her crying out in the night and when he came to wake her, he found her with tears in her eyes. It was always the same—she was shaking and crying, her skin was feverish to the touch and her scent almost unbearably hot to his sensitive nose. Clearly she was in need but now, instead of welcoming his comfort, she pushed him away, insisting she was fine.
It made Varin’s heart fist in his chest to see her pain, yet have her deny him and send him away, refusing any comfort he could have given. He wanted desperately to take her in his arms, to dry her tears and ease the awful ache he felt inside her, but Brynn kept pushing him away.
He wished he could confront her as he had about the way she’d been unable to help herself come. He had the feeling that problem was tied to the other—the recurring nightmares and the pain and ache he felt inside her. But for some reason, Brynn was afraid to talk to him about it and he didn’t like to push.
Going to have to push soon, though, he told himself grimly. This problem, whatever it is, is making her sick. I can’t let her get ill if there’s something I can do to prevent it or to heal her. What if my chip gives out and she’s all alone and incapacitated? Can’t let that happen…
That was the thought at the back of his mind during their sparring lesson when things finally came to a head. Brynn looked tired and hollow-eyed and her reflexes were off. Though she’d become quite a good fighter, she let Varin get inside her guard twice, even though he wasn’t pushing her that hard.
Finally, he couldn’t keep his worry for her inside anymore—it came out in a burst of frustration the second time she let him land what would have been a killing blow if they’d been fighting in earnest.
“Goddess damn it, Brynn!” he spat as he held the wooden hanger rod he was using as a training dagger to her throat. “What’s wrong with you? I could have killed you twice just now and you just let me.”
“I didn’t mean to!” she exclaimed, pushing away from him. “I’m sorry, Varin, I’m just so tired today.”
“You’re tired because you’re not fucking sleeping,” he growled. “I know because I hear you waking up a dozen times a night crying.”
“I can’t help it!” Brynn shouted. “I can’t help what I dream!”
“No, but maybe I could help you if you’d let me,” he snapped back. “If you’d ever tell me what you’re dreaming.”
“Can’t you see it?” she demanded. “You see everything else about me.”
“I get visions of you sometimes and I dream of what you do but I can’t see into your mind, Brynn. I can’t read your thoughts or see your dreams. Although I damn well wish I could, at least in this case.”
Varin sighed and transferred the hanger to his mostly useless, gloved left hand so he could run his right hand through his hair.
“I wish I knew why you’re shutting me out,” he said in a low voice.
“I’m not shutting you out,” she denied hotly.
“You are!” Varin snapped. “I don’t understand why you’re keeping secrets from me, Brynn. Was it something that happened at the Hive? Something you’re not telling me? Did that bastard X'izith get his barb in you after all and you were just too scared to tell me?”
“No!” she nearly shrieked, really upset now. Her eyes were bright with unshed tears and her little hands were balled into fists. “Never! He didn’t…I wouldn’t…he never…”
Brynn shook her head, her long black hair whipping around her face. She seemed to be struggling for the right words and Varin was sorry he had pushed her. But he had to push her, Goddess damn it! Had to find out what was going on with her before it was too late!
“Brynn…” he began but she cut him off.
“Anyway,” she said in a shaking voice, “I’m not the only one keeping secrets.”
“What?” Varin frowned, surprised at this side-angle attack. “What in the Seven Hells are you talking about?”
“That.” She pointed at his left hand, still encased in the brown leather glove. “Every time I ask about it you put me off—you tell me it’s a story for another time or it’s not important. I can tell something’s wrong but you won’t tell me what it is.”
“Fine,” Varin growled. “You really want to know? Want to see what I’ve been hiding?”
“Yes.” She put her hands on her hips and lifted her chin.
“Then I’ll tell you—show you even,” Varin said. “But not unless you promise to come clean with me too. Tell me about the nightmares. Tell me what’s bothering you, Brynn. Please.”
Her face went pale and for a moment he thought she would shout at him again or back down.
Instead she took a deep breath and crossed her arms protectively over her breasts.
“I’ll…think about it.”
That seemed to be the best he was going to get so Varin decided to take it.
“All right.” With a sigh, he thumbed the button that made the long, low couch come out of the wall. He dropped onto it, getting settled at one end and motioned for Brynn to join him.
She did, sitting a careful distance from him that hurt his heart. Was she scared of him now? Or was there some other reason she was avoiding him? What was happening with her?
Well, he would never find out her secret unless he told her his first, Varin reasoned. He held up his gloved left hand and raised an eyebrow at her.
“You sure you want to see this?”
“Show me,” she said in a low voice and he saw that her own hands were clenched together tight in her lap.
Varin sighed again. He’d been hoping to avoid this moment but now he saw it couldn’t have been avoided forever—only put off. And he had put it off long enough. With quick, jerky motions he stripped off the brown leather glove, showing the mangled remains of his left hand.
It really didn’t look as bad as it had at first. The thumb and forefinger had almost completely regrown, making it at least marginally useful, though it was still very weak. The rest of the hand, however, including his middle, ring, and little finger had never managed to regrow. It looked a little like someone had chopped his hand in half, leaving only the first two digits intact.
Brynn gave a little gasp at the sight of his mangled limb and put her hand to her mouth.
“Oh, Varin—what happened?” She frowned at him. “And don’t you dare say it’s a long story or a story for another time!”
“Fine,” he said shortly. “It was on the slave ship—the one your mother sold me to. They had us manacled to the wall of the hold with titano-silver bands—completely unbreakable. I know because I tried—I stole a blaster off one of the slavers and shot at the damn thing—didn’t so much as scratch it.”
She shook her head. “I don’t understand. Then how…how did this happen?”
“I had to get out somehow and I didn’t have any other choice. So…” Varin rubbed the back of his neck. “I shot it off—my hand, I mea
n.”
“You what? You blasted your own hand off?” Her gray eyes were wide. “Wasn’t there any other way to get free?”
“Not if I didn’t want to be carried light years in the wrong direction,” Varin growled. “I knew what you were heading into—remember I told you the Tempath beside me had information on the Hive? Anyway, it was my only chance to get away.” He shrugged. “So I took it.”
“To get back to me. To save me. You…you shot off your own hand for me.” There were tears in her eyes again and her cheeks were pale. “Oh Varin, why?”
“Because I love you,” he said simply, letting it out at last. “I always have. I can’t help it.”
“Because they wouldn’t let you help it,” she whispered. “Because they bonded you to me when you were just a child and I was only a baby—my parents made you care for me. Care so much you’d even mutilate yourself and risk your life to save me.” Her eyes overflowed and she took his left hand in both of hers and kissed it again and again, pressing it to her wet, flushed cheek. “I’m so sorry, Varin. So, so sorry!” she whispered.
“Don’t be,” he said roughly. “I’m not. That damn blood-bond isn’t the only reason I love you, Brynn. I’ve always felt a connection to you—how could I not? But after getting to know you, seeing how different you were from the other females at Court, that’s when I fell for you.”
She gave a broken little laugh.
“Because I was ignorant?”
“Because you were innocent.” Varin drew his left hand away gently and put the glove back on. “Because you have a light in you nothing can put out. That’s why I’m yours, little one. Why I’ll always be yours.”
“I don’t feel so innocent and light right now,” she whispered.
Varin sensed they were about to get to the heart of the matter—the crux of the issue that had been bothering her.
“Why not?” he said softly. “Tell me, Brynn.”
“I can’t. It…it’s too bad.” Her voice was low and hurt-sounding—almost a whisper. “You…you won’t want to be around me anymore if I tell.”
“Nothing could be so bad that it would make me stop loving you,” he swore softly. “Please, Brynn, trust me.”
“It’s the…the dreams I’ve been having,” she said at last, the words coming out in a rush. “The nightmares. I lied—I remember them, every last bit. They’re all about what I saw in the Hive…and what happened to me there.”
“What happened, little one?” he asked softly. “I got snatches and bits in the visions I had of you but I didn’t get it all—not nearly. So tell me—please?”
“It…may not be easy for you to hear.” She looked up at him. “And I know it won’t be easy to tell.”
“Maybe not but I think you need to tell it, don’t you?” he murmured. “So come on, Princess—let it out.”
“All right.” Looking down at her hands, she began to talk, speaking of walking into the Hive, being marked by the spray of sticky droplets, crossing the bridge over the charnel pit of corruption and death in the heart of the sprawling complex.
Varin felt his heart climb into his throat as she described how the insect sentry had bitten the head off one of her guards who had been part of the crew that flew her to the Hive’s home planet. And when she explained what had happened to Amalthia, his good hand clenched into a fist.
“Gods,” he said hoarsely. “That’s fucking horrible Brynn!”
“They…the grubs chewed their way out of her,” she whispered and her eyes were wide and haunted. “She screamed and screamed. I thought…Varin, I thought I would go crazy.”
“A weaker mind would have broken,” he murmured. “But yours didn’t, Brynn. You can be sure of that.”
“Can I?” She gave him a humorless smile and went on, telling about how Sovereign X'izith had entered the breeding chamber and removed his hands and face. About how he had ordered that she be dosed with the Blood Honey. “It was the same stuff they gave to Amalthia to stop her screaming,” she whispered. “And Varin it…I think had some…some effect on me.”
“What effect, little one?” He frowned. “Do you think you’re sick?”
“Yes!” She swiped at her eyes. “Yes, I’m sick—but not the way you mean.”
“How then?” He leaned forward, taking one of her hands in his. “Tell me. Make me understand.”
“The dreams, they’re so horrible but… but when I wake up…” She bit her lip fiercely—so fiercely Varin was afraid she would start to bleed. What could be so bad that she would rather hurt herself than say it aloud?
“Brynn,” he said in a soft, commanding voice. “Tell me.”
“When I wake up,” she went on in a rush. “When I wake up I’m horrified…terrified. But I’m also…also…” She made a motion with one hand.
“Hot?” Varin suggested softly since it seemed she was unable to finish. “Filled with desire?”
Her eyes flew wide and she stared at him.
“How…how could you possibly know that?”
“Your scent,” Varin said. “Haven’t I told you how attuned to you I am, little one? I can tell when you’re in need—it’s how I knew you needed to come the other night.” He smiled a little. “Well, that and the noises you were making.”
“Yes…yes, I wake up from those awful dreams feeling hot…feeling needy…empty inside.” She spoke as though making a confession. “But that’s sick, Varin! How could such awful images make me…make me that way?”
“I don’t think it’s the images or the memories, I think you were right before—that it has to do with the Blood Honey that bastard forced on you.” He clenched his jaw. “Gods, if I ever get another chance at him it won’t just be his Goddess damned stinger I cut off!”
Brynn shivered. “I never want to see him again. And that’s the worst part of the nightmares—I hear him. Hear his voice calling me back. And even though I know I don’t want to go, somehow part of me is drawn to him.”
Her words really alarmed Varin.
“You have to fight that, Brynn!” he growled, looking into her eyes. “Fight it, do you hear me? If that bastard gets his hands on you again you’ll end up just like Amalthia did.”
“I know that! Don’t you think I know it?” she cried. “I don’t want to ever go back there again? But I just…” She ran a hand through her hair distractedly. “I keep thinking about that horrible breeding barb of his,” she whispered in a low voice. Thinking…thinking how it would feel inside me. Even though I never, never want to be penetrated again. Ever. But still…I can’t stop thinking of it.” She looked up at him, her eyes filled with fear. “I think I’m going crazy, Varin.”
He shook his head. “You’re not crazy, little one. There must be a reason for this—a reason for the hold X'izith has over you, even light years away from the Hive.” He frowned. “You said before you thought it had something to do with the Blood Honey—why?”
“Well, because I’ve felt different ever since I was forced to drink it. And because of what the Sovereign said.” Brynn cleared her throat, obviously embarrassed. “He said it would…would make me more ready to receive him. And that it would make me crave, uh, male fluids.”
“Gods!” Varin rubbed the back of his neck. Well, at least now he understood her behavior the other night when it seemed she’d been trying to suck him dry.
“I’m sorry, Varin,” she said in a low voice. “I know all this is a lot to take in. It must be awful for you to hear.”
“Not nearly as awful as it has been for you to bear all alone. Brynn…” He lifted her chin and looked into her lovely gray eyes. “Never hide something like this from me again. I need to know what’s going on with you if I’m going to help you—if I’m going to protect you and keep you safe.”
“All right,” she whispered. “But…you don’t think I’m awful?”
Varin looked at her incredulously. “Of course I don’t think you’re awful, little one. You can’t help what was done to you—we just have to find
a way to deal with it.”
“Well, there’s, um, the obvious way.” She cleared her throat and looked meaningfully at his crotch.
Varin followed her eyes. “You mean let you suck me again? It would be my pleasure, Mistress, but it didn’t seem like it was doing you that much good last time.”
“No…” Brynn sighed and looked down. “No, I guess it wasn’t.” She bit her lip. “I keep feeling this…this emptiness inside, Varin. This need to be filled.”
“But you don’t want to be filled,” he pointed out. “You don’t want me to put my shaft inside you.”
“Goddess above!” Her cheeks flushed and her breathing became short and sharp but she shook her head decisively. “No—no I’m sure I don’t want that. But maybe…”
“Maybe what?” Varin prodded gently.
“Maybe…is there a way to…to get your, uh fluids—your cream—inside me without, you know, putting your shaft in me?”
“You could rub against me, I suppose.” He felt a surge of lust at the idea and tried to push it back down. This was about Brynn—about helping her get over the strange, strong cravings the Blood Honey had caused in her.
“Could I?” She looked at him hopefully. “Could I try rubbing my…my pussy against your shaft the way I rubbed against your thigh the other night? I…” She bit her lip. “I can’t help thinking that if I could reach the peak and have your cream in me at the same time I might be able to get over this awful feeling inside me. This emptiness and need.”
Privately, Varin thought that the only thing that would help her over the emptiness would be to fill her pussy completely, but he completely understood her reluctance to have anything inside her again. After the traumatic deflowering she had undergone, she was bound to feel that way.
“My body is yours to do with as you please, Mistress,” he murmured, stroking her cheek. “Do whatever you want with me.”
“All right.” She hopped off the couch and took him by the hand. “Come on.”
“Now?” Varin was a little surprised at the urgency in her eyes.
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