by Lucia Franco
"Yes, he is. He's been married for months."
Hayden's blue eyes turned glacial. Thick tension filled the space between us until my nerves rattled.
"Let me guess, the bastard never told you."
I didn’t say anything. I didn’t need to.
Hayden's lips curled in disgust. "And he let you find out at practice?"
Embarrassment flooded me. My entire body started to tremble and breathing became difficult.
"I’m gonna kill that motherfucker."
"I’m sorry.” It was all I could think to say.
I’m sorry.
My stomach churned.
Prosti.
I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to push back the tears as the night before filled my mind. It was unlike any other time we’d been together. Kova had acted like he loved me. He had worshipped me in the most loving, heart-wrenching way.
And it turns out, he’d been apologizing to me the whole time he was making love to me.
"When was the last time you were with him?" Hayden questioned. His eyes narrowed, like he was waiting for me to confirm his worst thoughts.
I opened my eyes and drew in a deep breath. I couldn’t tell him it was only last night.
"I don't want to talk about it."
"But he was fucking you and his wife at the same time?" Hayden paused. "Aid, I think you should get tested."
"Tested for what?"
He didn’t bother to mask the look of incredulity on his face. "STDs."
My jaw dropped. I hadn't even thought of that until now.
"He uses protection when he's with Katja." The lie flew from my lips. I didn't need him to make me feel even shittier than I already did.
Hayden tilted his head to the side and narrowed his eyes. "And how do you know that?"
"I asked him once." Another lie.
"This is beyond fucked up. So he uses a condom when he has sex with his wife, but not you? Aid, stop lying to me and yourself."
"I don't want to talk about it anymore," I said before nestling into his warmth.
"Adrianna," he said softly, and I snuggled further into him in a silent plea for him to drop the conversation.
I shook my head and sniffled. "I don't know what to say. I fucked up."
Another tear slipped down my cheek and I closed my eyes again. I needed to stop crying but I didn’t know how.
Hayden palmed my jaw, lifting my face up to his. Our eyes met. I'd only known him for a short amount of time, but he was proving to be a better friend than even Avery.
Avery. Another situation I didn't want to think about.
My jaw trembled. I’d been so hurt by the few people I truly cared about. I had no one left but Hayden, and luckily, I knew he'd never let me down.
"Come on, Aid. This isn’t you. This isn’t the girl I know. You fought to qualify for elite. Sweat, blood, tears, and maybe a little too much Motrin has gone into you achieving your goal. Everything you’ve worked so hard for will be gone in the blink of an eye because you let this dickhead ruin you. Don’t let him strip you of your dream. You’re better than this."
He was right.
"Talk to me. Let me in." Desperation tinged his voice. "What is it you need from me? Whatever it is, it's yours. Let me help you get past this."
I stared over Hayden’s shoulder. The thing was, I didn’t want to talk, didn’t want to utter a word. I didn’t want him to know the real truth behind why I was so upset.
That would require admitting that I loved Kova, and I’d never admit that out loud. Ever.
* * *
I had always been under the assumption that love wasn't supposed to hurt, that it was supposed to be like walking through a butterfly garden high on the vibrant colors of life. Love was easy, natural, and all-encompassing.
A butterfly. Further proof that I'd been so naïve. I should've known it wouldn’t be like that. Love was a vicious cycle and as delicate as butterfly wings. I’ve even heard someone say that a flutter of a wing could cause a typhoon halfway around the world. It’s ironic really—one tiny flutter, like a signed marriage certificate—that two delicate and common things held the power to wreak a lifetime of despair.
"Your eyes change color when you cry." Hayden distracted me from my thoughts.
"Do they?"
His brows lowered. "Hasn't anyone ever told you?"
"No."
Understanding filled Hayden's tender gaze. "You don't let anyone see you cry, do you?"
I'd let my guard down and he saw right through me.
A sad smile tugged at my lips, and he returned it immediately. There was no judgment in his startling blue eyes, only acceptance. The budding feeling that had been cultivating in my heart for the past few months slowly formed into recognition.
I loved Hayden. But I loved him in an entirely different way than how I loved Kova. Hayden was the definition of a good friend. Despite everything, he never wanted to ruin my happiness, only heighten it.
"I was so blinded and stupid. I seriously don't know what I was thinking, but I just can't let go of the fact that he's married. It bothers me so much," I said.
"Yeah, it's a lot to take in and a total mind fuck. He never should have been with you in the first place."
This was too much emotion for my sixteen-year-old self to deal with. But then again, what sixteen-year-old got involved with a thirty-two-year-old man?
My calloused fingertips wandered over his strong shoulder, curving around the back of his neck, and I played with the little hairs at the base of his neck. I curled them around my index finger and gave a little tug. Normally, I'd be embarrassed by the roughness of my hands, but since Hayden was a gymnast and he had the same touch, it didn't bother me.
Expressing a heavy, mentally exhausted sigh, I prepared to tell Hayden at least the partial truth. At this point in my life, it was all I was good for—incomplete facts.
"You're not going to like what I have to say."
Hayden eyed my bare shoulder. His knuckles delicately grazed my collarbone, drifting to where my shirt had fallen. Goosebumps pebbled my skin and my nipples turned into hard little peaks from the intense stare in his eyes.
Licking his lips, he placed my shirt back onto my shoulder, then slid his hand alongside my ribs, his thumb shifting soothingly back and forth close to my breast.
"Lay it on me. That's what friends are for."
A sad smile splayed my face. Friends.
Hayden's head dipped toward mine. There was a small dimple I'd never noticed before. "What are you thinking about?" he asked.
I studied him, catching the hint of playfulness that flirted with me in his eyes. My head spun with questions I'd never have real answers to, and things I didn't want to think about any longer. I wanted to forget, even if it was just for a little while; I wanted this raging headache of grief to disappear.
Hayden shifted in his seat, my hips sinking deeper into his lap. I blushed at the feel of his length under me and kept my focus on the corded muscles in his neck, the curve of his shoulder, his strong jawline. Everything but his eyes.
"I'm sorry," I said, a hair above a whisper. "You must be so annoyed with me and this drama by now. You must think it's ridiculous how I feel."
"What you feel is not ridiculous. He made you feel this way and I hate that for you. I wish I could make it better."
He nestled me further into his lap and I felt a growing thickness I wasn't expecting. Our gazes met and he clearly wasn't ashamed over the fact he was hard.
"I care about you, Aid, more than you probably know…more than I should allow myself to. Seeing you hurt, hurts me."
"You're the only one who cares about me," I said so quietly, and that was the sad truth.
"Don't say that. You know it's not true."
"Oh, it is, trust me. I don't know what I did to deserve this trifecta of shit dumped on me."
We looked into each other's eyes and I knew he could see the melancholy written all over my face.
My heart
ached with this unending need to be desired, wanted, loved by one specific man, and the boy in front of me was open and honest and wanted to give me everything the one man I wanted couldn't.
Hayden placed his hands around my hips and shifted me closer to him, pushing me against his hardened length. The smoldering look in his eyes made my stomach flutter.
"I see so much good in you," he said. "I just wish you could see it too."
My teeth dug into my lip and his gaze dropped to my mouth, where it stayed a little too long. He was too good to me—too good in general—and I didn't deserve that. His head angled to the side, his eyes growing heavy with hunger. I felt my own telltale sign of desire stirring and briefly wondered if I should act on it. Could I use Hayden to my own advantage? Use my friend to help me escape the thoughts running through my head, even for a little while? What kind of person did that make me, and did I care?
"Hayden…" He lifted his gaze and I decided to take a chance. "I just want to forget. Make me forget Kova."
Eyes wide, he shook his head. The struggle was written all over his face and the wound in my heart widened upon seeing that. He knew what I was asking for, and I knew his answer before he’d even opened his mouth.
"You're vulnerable right now, and I'm not a monster."
I disagreed. "I'm asking, though. There's a difference. It doesn't make you a monster if I'm asking, right?"
"It wouldn't be right," he said, regret heavy in his voice.
My jaw trembled and a sigh rushed past my lips. I shouldn't have asked, because I was an emotionally charged mess gasping for air. Asking him to go that extra mile was wrong, especially when he was the one person who'd always had my best interest at heart, who’d dropped everything any time I've ever needed him. And for what? Sex wouldn't accomplish anything. It wouldn't change my current situation. It wouldn't magically erase the past…
But it would make me forget for a little while. It would make me feel wanted. It would ease the pain in my heart and the nauseous feeling in my gut.
Hayden tilted his head to the side and took me in. I bet he would be gentle and caring between the sheets, someone who showed me respect both inside and outside of the bedroom.
"God." The word came out sounding more like defeat. "You must think I'm the worst kind of human alive.”
I lifted my knee to move off Hayden, but he stopped me, raising a hand to my cheek and turning me to face him.
"Hey," he said, his voice low and raspy. His fingers laced through my chalky hair and he pulled me close to whisper against my lips. "I could never think that about you. I think Kova is the worst kind of human alive, but not you. I think you're amazing. I think you're strong. I think you're ambitious. And, I think you're beautiful." The corner of his mouth quirked up. "But I would feel wrong having you like this. I want you to come to me willingly, not because you're hurt and trying to forget someone else."
"I pushed you away because of Kova, because I foolishly held on and hoped that there would be more. But I'm done. I'm done with him. I promise. Even if we don't do anything, I'm still done with him."
"So you only want me now that he's out of the picture?" He pulled back. Hurt masked his features and that made me feel even worse.
"No. No, it’s not like that. You know that's not true." I sighed, regretting what I’d said. I wasn’t making any sense and wished even more that I hadn't asked what I did. "I just wanted to forget him, forget the pain…just for a little while."
"Tell me the truth, Aid. What was really going on between you two? It was more than just fucking around, wasn’t it?"
I sat there in stunned silence. Hayden was asking too much from me. I couldn’t answer him, not honestly.
"Jesus Christ, you fell for him. You fell for that fucking piece of shit."
Oh fuck.
* * *
I wiped away the warm tears from my cheeks with the back of my hand.
I was such a mess. I rarely cried before Kova came into my life, and now I cried all the time. Today I was a blubbering Sensitive Suzie with a river of tears.
"Aid. Come on. Talk to me," Hayden begged. He'd followed me into the kitchen after I'd gotten up, unable to sit still while he picked apart my biggest secret.
"Just go," I said with my back to him. Hayden placed a hand on my shoulder and encouraged me to turn around. I fell into him without looking, my chest splintering down the center. I swallowed hard and hiccupped. "I'm so embarrassed, I can't even look at you."
"I’m here, Aid. Tell me what’s going on."
"He was… I never thought I would fall for him the way I did. I never thought any of this would happen."
Hayden listened in silence while I poured my soul out.
"Don’t get mad at me," he said when I finally caught my breath. "But what did you expect would come from your relationship with him? Did you think you guys would end up together?"
"I have no idea, not him marrying someone else, that’s for sure. He doesn’t love her, I know he doesn’t."
Hayden hesitated for a moment. "He has to love her, even a little bit to marry her. I’m not saying this to hurt you, but there’s no way he can’t not love her after being with her for so many years."
Another tear slipped down my cheek. I nodded, chewing my lip raw. He was right. I was lying to myself. Of course, Kova had to love Katja.
"God, how can I be so stupid?" I expelled a heavy breath.
"You’re not stupid." Hayden pressed a kiss to the top of my head.
"I never saw it coming. Shouldn’t I have seen it?"
"No, because he wanted it that way."
My chest burned with the reality of how right he was. "How am I supposed to forget him?"
Hayden lifted my blotchy face to his. Our eyes locked. The startling diamond-like crystal blue pierced my gut. His eyes held a passionate look I'd seen very few times. His hands cupped my jaw and I held my breath as his gaze drifted down to my mouth, his lids becoming heavier the longer he stared at my lips. He stepped closer until I was forced to step back and lean against the counter. I grabbed onto his arms, while his palms slid to the back of my neck, then through the hair at my nape.
"I can’t erase your memory, though I would if it were possible. I’d do anything to see you smile and forget that piece of shit." His callused fingertips kneaded my sore shoulders and a little sigh rolled off my lips.
"I know," I murmured. My head tilted to the side and my eyes closed from the touch of his fingers that felt too good. Hayden leaned against me, his body fitting to mine and igniting a feverish hunger between us.
Hayden drew in a deep, resigned sigh. "Be easy on me, Aid,” he breathed against my mouth quietly before he descended. His lips were soft and supple like Kova's, yet the impression was entirely different. I clenched his shirt and kissed him back, pressing my lips into his, wondering if I would regret encouraging this come tomorrow.
Only Hayden surprised me, and I lost my train of thought. He took the initiative by slipping his tongue between my lips. I softened at the stroke of his sensual kiss and the way he caressed my mouth. We fell in sync and it reminded me of our moment together on New Year's Eve. He tightened his embrace, his hands quickly roaming my body like he couldn't get enough.
It didn't take long for the lust to thicken between us. Heart pounding against my ribs, my hands slipped beneath his shirt, and his abs dipped a little as my unsteady fingers found his taut skin. I was so nervous, and I didn't know why. Before I could move higher, Hayden broke the kiss and stepped back to look down at me.
"I've wanted you for what feels like forever. I'd rather it be under different circumstances, but I'll take what I can get."
Reaching behind his neck, he grasped his shirt and pulled it off in that sexy way all guys do and dropped it to the floor. My lips parted and butterflies swirled in my stomach at the attraction. His gorgeous pecs caught my attention and I placed my hands on his stomach and dragged them to his rock-solid abs, feeling the indents while I skimmed to his chest. I fel
t him take a few deep breaths before he attacked my mouth. He was assertive but gentle, his tongue twirling around mine, tugging and pulling, igniting a glow throughout my body. My arms coiled around his shoulders and I threaded my fingers through his hair and gave in to the sweetest passion rising in me, unlike the dominant need I was used to with Kova.
Hayden's erection nudged my hip while he devoured my mouth with a vengeance. A low ache resonated between my thighs. All logical thought left my mind as he hoisted me onto the counter and began rocking into me.
"I've wanted you too," I admitted, because I have wanted him. He was attractive in a different way than what I was used to, but I needed different right now.
"Don't just say it to say it. You got me already."
"I'm not," I said. "I mean it."
Wrapping my legs around his back, I locked my ankles together and tugged him closer. A soft moan sounded from the back of my throat. I pulled on his bottom lip with my teeth and he grinned. He broke the kiss and I instantly reached for him, but he pushed my hand away and quickly removed my shirt, dropping it to the floor where his was.
I watched his expression, his eyes widening while he took in the sight of me. It was almost as if he had never seen breasts before in his life. His heady gaze made me feel wanted. Kova had freed something inside me and made me feel comfortable in my skin, making it easy for me to let Hayden get his fill. My nipples hardened to tight little buds and I could see his erection straining against his shorts. He leaned in and I drew in a breath as he roughly cupped my breast and took a nipple into his mouth, sucking it hard.
A long moan escaped my parted lips and I leaned back on my elbows, not expecting the tingle between my thighs. Even though I'd asked for this, in the back of my mind I couldn't believe I was letting him. But as quickly as he’d started, he stopped.
"I can't do this up here, it's just not physically possible."
I thought back to when Kova fucked me up against the wall just a few feet from where we stood with no issue, but I didn't mention it. For obvious reasons, of course.