by Lucia Franco
Leaping through the air, my heart flew higher than my body, and when I completed a neck-breaking tumbling pass, I didn't have to force myself to smile. My entire face lit up with happiness. I could feel it from the top of my head to the tips of my toes. If only I could share with the world how I felt inside when I performed. It was indescribable. It was a natural high and a rush like nothing else.
Ninety seconds later, I was ending my custom floor routine that left me more out of breath than usual but feeling incredible nonetheless.
I saluted the judges then walked off the floor. Madeline gave me two high fives and praise followed by my teammates. I took such a deep breath that a sharp pain shot through my chest, but I ignored it. Squatting down, I took out a carton of coconut water from my bag. My mouth was so dry I downed all of it.
I was still so thirsty and rummaged through my bag for another bottle when Kova’s shoes appeared in my view.
"Everything okay?"
I glanced up. "Yes. Why?"
"You are frantically searching your bag."
"I'm just looking for my water…" My voice trailed off. "I thought I had another bottle of water in here." I stood up and looked around for the big cooler with paper cone cups that was kept at each event.
I turned around to tell Kova I'd be right back, but he was already walking away. He stopped in front of his belongings and reached down.
I gnawed on my bottom lip. He was going to give me his drink, I knew it, but I didn't want him to. I knew the thought was stupid, but I didn’t want anything extra from him, even if it was something as simple as water.
Kova walked toward me with his arm stretched out. My mouth watered just looking at it and I took it. I didn't say thank you, though. All I could do was look him in the eye, uncap it, and chug half of it in one gulp.
He took two steps closer and my heart kicked up a notch. Lowering his voice, he said, "You are poetic when you perform. The way your body moves, your lines, the way you feel the music." He shook his head like he couldn't believe what he was thinking. He seemed so far away. "The way you let go and feel the sport, it was almost—"
Kova pressed his lips together. Whatever he was thinking caused his voice to shift and pause. I watched him, his gaze longing, as if he was savoring the memory. I almost wanted him to finish.
He swallowed, his Adam's apple bobbing. "Never mind. It is hard to tear my eyes from you. I could watch you for hours."
I scanned the large room of spectators, trying not to let my heart feel a thing when it came to his fake words anymore.
"Isn't that your job, Coach? To watch me?" I asked without looking at him.
He didn't say anything for a long while, and I finally looked at him.
"You just surprise me every day. Your performance was, once again, flawless."
I sucked on my lips so I wouldn't respond and squinted at the screen waiting on my score. In the past when the judges have taken long to release a score, it meant there were deductions, or they couldn't agree on something.
"What's taking so long?" I asked him, impatient. An ache began on the side of my waist, probably from anxiety, and I pressed on it in an attempt to ease it a little.
He looked over his shoulder at Holly. She still hadn't gone, but she knew better. Kova was adamant about the score being posted before the next gymnast competed. That way if he wanted an inquiry into the score, he could get one. If the next gymnast went, and a score came back for the previous gymnast after her rotation, he couldn't challenge it.
Finally, in what felt like an eternity, my score flashed above our heads just as I took a sip.
* * *
The crowd exploded all around us. Slowly, I pulled the bottle from my lips as goose bumps ran down my arms. I recapped the water while I stared in absolute shock.
Underneath my name was a perfect score. By some miracle, I'd gotten the maximum points allowed for execution and difficulty for my routine again. I’d had a feeling I'd done well, but I didn't think I’d done that well.
I blinked a few times, hoping it wasn't a deception of my mind. Two perfect scores were almost too good to be true, and I was dealing with exhaustion. Hallucinations were possible.
Kova yelled, actually yelled in excitement, and pumped the air with his fist. I almost laughed. I'd never heard him make a sound like that before or seen him fist pump. He turned around, squatting until he was my height, and grabbed onto my shoulders, giving me a little shake. His entire face lit up and he started speaking in Russian.
I felt the slight pull at my lips again. Kova, like every other coach with their gymnast, yanked me up into his arms and squeezed me into a tight hug for my perfect score.
"Coach… Coach!" I said, tapping his shoulder to get his attention.
"Yes! What?!"
"You're speaking in Russian. I can't understand you."
Kova drew back. He hadn’t realized he slipped into his native tongue and I found it comical. His eager green eyes sparkled under the arena lights and were full of adoration. There was a familiar stirring in my belly. I tried not to laugh, but it was impossible. I smiled and that produced an even bigger smile from him. In this room, Kova was happy, and for a brief moment, I was too.
Kova studied me. He threw his head back and a boisterous laugh roared from his chest.
"This is incredible! Two perfect scores! I am so proud of you!" he said, setting me down.
"Thanks," I replied, a little bashful. "I'm a little surprised."
"I am not."
He couldn't tear his eyes from me and his gaze lingered a little longer than usual.
"I gotta get ready for beam now," I said, and he nodded subtly. "I think Holly is waiting on you." Kova shot a glance over his shoulder, then back at me. "Okay. Your grin is starting to look creepy. Go see Holly." I joked.
"Wherever your head is at, keep it there. You are doing extraordinary."
"Easier said than done."
"I have complete confidence and belief in you. You may not see it, but you are far better than them. And I am not saying that just to bullshit you. When you let go and surrender yourself, you are absolutely magnificent."
Magnificent? Who said that anymore?
When I could feel the candid notes of his voice hit deep in my bones and wrap around me, it truly made me question who he was. It messed with my head. I wanted to believe Kova was a good person with a good heart, but in the back of my mind all I could see was his wedding band and the lies embedded into it.
An anxious feeling seeped into my blood stream and clung to me. I didn't like feeling his words in my heart, and that was what I needed to work on blocking out. His praise encouraged me to be the best version of myself. Inspiration increased the way energy brightened a room. Though, I knew this song all too well. Eventually the light would burn out, misery would set in, and the darkness would be the centerfold of my chest once again.
I sighed inwardly and regained my focus. My team rotated to the final event and I prepared mentally, releasing every anxious nerve and let go. Beam was all about controlling my thoughts and allowing muscle memory to step in. I needed to trust myself, but that was so much harder than it sounded.
Saluting the judges, I stepped onto the mat and placed both hands on the four-inch piece of wood that could make or break me. Grasping the apparatus, I steadied my soul and began.
Immediately, I moved into a series of required skills that took no more than ninety seconds. Agile leaps, smooth ballet steps that looked like I was dancing blindly, and combination skills that incorporated potentially paralyzing connecting flips. I remained focused despite the low pain throbbing under my ribs. Not one wobble or second of uncertainty. Not even when I completed triple twists on the tips of my toes. I was secure, without an ounce of trepidation, and it was liberating.
Standing at the end of the balance beam, all I had left was my dismount. I hurdled into a round-off back handspring, my feet pounding into the wood and my toes curling around the edge. I reached up to set up my dism
ount and pulled my knees to my chest, tucking tight to rotate backwards into a double back tuck. I spotted the ground and landed—both feet together, arms up—and squeezed every single muscle in my body.
But it wasn’t enough, and my heart sank.
I could feel how compelled my body was from the weight of my landing to take a step out to regain my position. I held my breath and squeezed every muscle as tight as I possibly could and saluted the judges to show that I’d stuck my landing.
It only lasted a few seconds, but those few seconds felt like nine months. I lowered my arms and intended to release a quiet breath, only it flew out of me with a huge huff. Surprisingly, the smile stayed on my face as I walked off the floor. Even if I didn't place on this event, I was happy with my outcome. I didn't feel like beam owned me anymore and that was a feeling that was indescribable.
Kova was waiting for me the moment I stepped down the stairs. Before I could say a word, he pulled me into a bear hug and squeezed me until I could barely breathe.
"Fantastika! Fantastika! Fantastika!" Kova said. "Ty sdelal neveroyatnoye!"
"Thanks, Coach." I smiled as he put me down.
Kova's eyes flickered for a brief moment like I’d insulted him, but I needed to keep it that way, even though I was starting to feel bad.
"If those judges do not give you the max points, I will file an appeal."
My brows shot to my hairline. I coughed, covering my mouth with the back of my hand. Stupid chalk in the air.
"I did that well?"
He looked at me like I spoke a language he didn't understand. "Yes. By far the best."
I was speechless. Kova never applauded me the way he had today. Occasionally he would here and there like he did with the other girls, but not after every event or to this extent. Either he was being nice and trying to soften me, or he was telling the truth.
I wanted to believe he was telling the truth if he said he was going to appeal it. That required a large sum of money on the spot, a write-up of my entire routine where my coach felt I should have received the maximum amount of points, and a viewing of the video. And it had to be done in four minutes flat. I'd never had that happen before, but I didn't think it would come to that.
Madeline and the team walked over and congratulated me, just as we did with all the girls.
"Nice job, Big Red," Reagan said, and I smiled. "I hope you beat Sloan." Sloan Maxwell was one of the top three elites and currently in first on beam. While I outranked her on the other three events, beam was her specialty.
I waited anxiously next to Kova, wondering if my splits hit one hundred eighty degrees, if my pause in between was too long for bonus connecting points, or if I had enough connecting acrobatic and dance skills. His arm wrapped around my shoulder and he pulled me to his side. I thought nothing of this gesture, since it was another common thing among coaches.
Our heads were tilted up at the screen for the numbers. My hands were clasped in front of me, my fingers wrenched together and twisting with uncertainty while Kova stood stoically.
Finally, my score appeared on the screen overhead.
My heart dropped and I stepped back, stumbling on my toes. I stared in absolute shock, repeatedly blinking to see if I read the numbers correctly. I hadn't gotten the maximum points, but I didn't have many deductions and received the highest score due to the difficulty in my routine.
"You did it! Adrianna! You did it!" Kova said, shaking my shoulders excitedly. I'd never come in first in all four events at a meet, let alone at an elite meet.
He pulled me into a hug and kissed my cheek. My arms wrapped around his shoulders and I closed my eyes, dropping my face into the curve of his neck. We were the cliché coach and gymnast the way we cheered together. In this moment, I couldn’t hate him. In this moment, what happened to me, happened to the both of us, and it was something we should share together.
With his lips next to my ear, he said, "See what happens when you trust in yourself and let go? You shined out there. You pushed and pulled and got what you wanted through all the chaos, because you are fierce and wild and strong and have what it takes to go far. I knew you could do it."
Kova released me and Madeline walked up, pulling me into a hug next, but our connection was too strong to sever. We couldn't tear our eyes from each other, even as Madeline hugged me. Kova stared a minute longer and then turned away, taking my heart with him.
"Tell me, what was going through your mind?" Madeline asked, her eyes sparkling.
I paused, contemplating an answer. I became fearless after I'd become foolish, emotional, and on the verge of losing everything. I found strength because I had no choice. I did it, not just for myself, but for the one thing that kept me going—and feeling worthy enough since I was a child—gymnastics. When I hit rock bottom, it handed me the courage I was unknowingly holding back and armed me with the confidence I needed to attempt such a daring endeavor.
I looked at her and went with what was in my heart. "It's not just myself that I'm doing this for. I'm doing it for you guys too. I remembered who I was, what I wanted, and I changed the game."
Madeline cupped my jaw and smiled again. "Well done, sweetie."
"Well, that was impressive," Holly said. She'd walked up next to me and we began pulling on our sweats together.
"Thanks," I said, zipping up my duffle bag. "It's surreal, you know?"
"Oh, yeah. I bet it is. I can't imagine."
"What do you mean?"
A dim smile shown on her face. "I've never medaled in all four events in one meet before."
"Oh." I hadn't known that.
"It's not easy." She paused, acting a little covetous. "Congrats, girl."
I wasn't sure what to think of it other than I knew I needed to remain humble. Being knocked from medal contention would be devastating, which is what happened to Holly today.
Throwing my bag over my shoulder, I zipped up my sweat jacket and wiped the excess chalk from my hands. I watched my coaches and teammates walking ahead of us, and thought about how the series of events played out today. It was medal time, then after dinner we'd be boarding a plane to fly back home.
Kova peeked over his shoulder and our gazes immediately found each other's. A flutter started in my heart. He had his bag slung over his back, gripping the strap tightly in his fist. A moment passed between us, his green eyes filled with so much adoration that I stumbled. Even though I resented him, he was a still huge part of my accomplishment. I knew the right thing to do was to express my gratitude, even though it hurt me to.
A timid smile tugged at one corner of my mouth. I didn't want to give him an inch because he'd take a mile, but I couldn't not. I didn't have that in me, not today. Kova caught it and his shoulders relaxed. Nodding subtly, he turned around.
I knew success could go one of two ways: drown in darkness and lose yourself, or swim in the light and bask in the glory. It came from a series of events that I did consistently to reach achievement, but also one moment that would test me to the point of breaking. And that's what had happened. I'd been backed up against a wall with the anxiety of losing everything because of someone else's actions. No one could win for me. I had to win for myself. I had to want it bad enough. I had to drop everything and listen to that voice in my head that told me to give it my all. I couldn’t think about trying again tomorrow. I had to stay focused and worry about right now. So that's exactly what I did. I fought hard and gave it my all. I had what it took. I had the want, and I had the drive. I wouldn't let anything stand in my way.
It was going to take everything from me…
Just like Kova had.
* * *
I felt him before I saw him.
I glanced over my shoulder just in time to see Kova sauntering up to me. I raked my eyes down the length of his body, taking him in. Butterflies swirled in my stomach when he was around and that was not a good thing. It was downright tortuous. Talk about swagger. He was so fucking sexy and I hated that he had it in spades.
<
br /> I looked away and fixed the rubber bands on my grips that held the straps back and played it cool. I didn't think I'd ever become immune to him, but we'd gotten better at keeping a platonic relationship with each other. Or at least I had thought so.
Kova stopped in front of me. He eyed me for a minute. Something was spinning in the back of his head.
"What do you say we change up your dismount on bars?" he suggested.
"What do you have in mind?"
"A blind full to a laid out full-out."
Eyes wide, my brows shot up. While a blind change was a popular combination right before the dismount to get a couple tenths bonus added—it was just changing the way I gripped the bar mid swing—the laid out full-out was what concerned me. I had been practicing it here and there, but I wasn't sure I was ready to incorporate it into my routine any time soon.
I was already doing a full-in—a double back tuck with a full twist. Now, he wanted me to do the same thing, except with a straight body. Both were difficult, but the laid out was much harder.
"You think I could do that? And change it midseason?"
His forehead creased as if I had asked him the dumbest question in the world. He didn't bother answering me.
"I also thought we could work on a layout Jaeger to an L-grip, then straddled Jaeger."
My jaw dropped. "As in one combination?" The L-grip was so awkward to use, not to mention difficult. And I wasn't sure I had the core strength for two Jaegers back-to-back.
He nodded, again giving me the same look like I was a raging moron. "I want to up the stakes and make you unbeatable on bars. Maybe throw in a hop full and stalder or two."
"So you want to completely change up my routine. Basically, you want to re-choreograph it."