by Lucia Franco
"Give them back," I demanded, seething.
"Why are you so mad?"
"Because you're breathing in front of me." I reached for my keys again, but he lifted his arm higher. "Why do you act like such a child?" My leg twitched as I considered kneeing him in his junk. That would make him drop my keys immediately.
His eyes looked back and forth between mine. "I am just getting on your level. Now, why are you so mad? I thought for sure you were going to throw a block of chalk at me a few times today."
"How observant of you," I said blandly. "Now give me back my keys. I want to go home."
"Talk to me, Adrianna."
My eyes flared. "You don't deserve my time."
"You are still upset about yesterday," he stated. I jumped, trying to reach, but I was too short. "I called you last night to come in for conditioning after hours because I knew how you were going to react, but you never answered."
He had called, but I never heard my phone ring. Of course, knowing now why he’d called only made me angrier, because I would've left my condo in under five minutes if I had known.
Unexplainable red hot rage surged through me and I shoved at his chest again until he fell into the wall. He wrapped his free arm around my lower back and pulled me to him. I drew in a breath, gasping at the closeness of him. A veil of cinnamon and citrus incased my senses, his natural aroma with a hint of tobacco that I hated to love. All the feelings I'd been locking away came roaring back, overpowering me. I fisted his shirt, my chest lifting and falling fast, my head a hazy mess. I needed to back away, but the feel of his body, the warmth, the hardness—I realized I’d missed it so much.
"I was only looking out for you," he said, breathing into me. I shivered. His gaze turned heavy, eyes glossy. "Be mad at me all you want, I do not care, but one day you will see that what I do is only to ever help you and never hurt you." He paused. "The thought of hurting you makes me sick, Adrianna."
"Stop," I murmured. "Don't say that." Staring at his chest, I shook my head vehemently. He wasn't looking out for me, he was looking out for himself, as always. "Please, just give me my keys and let me go," I whispered.
Kova dipped his head next to mine. My lips parted as he got closer. "You are the one holding on to me."
My heart stopped. I was holding onto him. I unclenched his shirt only for him to press his hand into my back. Tension thickened between us and the air grew hot. I swallowed, heart pounding, I fisted his shirt again and leaned my weight into him.
Kova softened a little. "I would never force you to do something against your will," he said near my cheek. "If you want to leave, leave, but I do not think you want to. I think you miss me as much as I miss you, and you hate yourself for it. And you know what? I hate myself every fucking day for wanting you the way I do."
I pulled back and watched his gaze drop to my mouth. I may have been surrendered in his hold, but I was just as dominant as he was. We both had a power over the other that was too lethal, too toxic, too suggestive for our own good.
"Coach."
"Every day is a battle raging within me to keep my distance. Some days all I want is to just be around you. It is that simple."
Oh God. I needed to leave, but I couldn’t find it in me to move.
"Coach," I said again.
"Hmm…"
"I have to go."
"So leave."
But my body wouldn't move. I wanted to stay like this a little bit longer. I wanted to lean into him and unwind in the security of his embrace, but I was too afraid.
I looked into his eyes. "What are you thinking?"
His eyes remained focused on my mouth. He ran his tongue along his bottom lip and my heart skittered against my chest. I knew that look. I knew it too well, like he wanted to devour me and leave me breathless, just as he had many times before.
"So much. I do not know where to even start."
I got it. I felt the same way.
"You have no idea how it is killing me, Adrianna, the way you hate me, the way you look at me with such contempt. I deserve your hate and everything you feel inside, but I cannot stomach it."
He raised his head and our eyes connected. Being like this again brought it all back. The desire. The need. I still craved this stupid Russian man.
"Kiss me," I said, my voice an array of sinful tones. "Please."
He shook his head. "No." His chest rose and fell rapidly, the lines around his eyes deepened with anguish. "You will regret it and hate me even more."
He was right. I probably would hate him, but then I thought of something.
"What if I kiss you?"
"Why? Why would you want to do that?"
This time I shook my head and the words fell from my lips before I could stop them. "I don’t know. I really don't. Maybe, just for a second, I want to forget everything and not feel so empty inside. Because when I'm with you, I don't have a worry in the world. Like I'm me and you're you, and nothing else matters."
I closed my eyes, instantly regretting what I’d said.
"You should not want to kiss me…" He left his response open, and I picked up on it.
"No, I shouldn't. You're no good for me," I said.
"I am terrible for you." He paused, his mouth turning down. "I wish I was not. I wish I was a better man for you."
We were both bad for each other. He was power, I was obsession. No matter how highly charged our connection was, the result would always be the same. Destruction. Obliteration. Ruin. But yet, we couldn’t break apart completely. Like we were tied to each other with no chance of escaping.
My eyes drifted to his full lips and I felt his body tremble against mine. My fingers were numb from how tight I held him, but I knew if I let go I'd lose control. Kova was toeing the line and despite all the wrong, it still excited me. He was struggling for me.
"Would you refuse me?" I asked, my voice soft. My heart thundered against my ribs.
"If that is what you want to give me, then I will take it. I am yours."
I didn't hesitate, I moved like a viper.
Latching onto his top lip, I stroked it with my tongue, then bit down. His body yielded to mine and he exhaled a sigh of pleasure. A deep, animalistic groan vibrated from his chest pressed against mine. Kova dropped my keys and cupped the side of my head and held me tighter to him. He kissed me back hard, inhaling deeply through his nose like he was breathing me in.
His tongue delved into my mouth, and I sighed, letting go of everything like I always did with Kova. We couldn't get enough of each other. Our kisses were fueled with greed and longing, tangled with passion only we understood. His thumb drew circles over my hammering pulse, while his other hand warmed my body, trembling with uncontrolled need.
"No more," I said, breaking the kiss.
He was breathing heavily. "Okay."
His quick acceptance switched something inside me and I leaned into him, taking control, and kissed him again. Kova slid his palm down my hip and over my butt. He grabbed my thigh and hiked my leg up around his hip, his hands desperate as they roamed my skin. His erection nudged my waist, and the tips of his fingers dipped inside my elastic shorts.
* * *
I needed this.
Kova applied pressure to the grip he had on my neck and a shock of desire zipped down my spine. He kissed me with a hint of control, showing me he was still very much in charge, even though I was setting this pace. My mind went blank until all I felt was his touch, and I focused on the pleasure he ignited throughout my body. His hand slid further into my shorts, and I drew in a quiet breath as his fingers taunted me until I was rocking into him. My teeth sank into his lip and he moaned, cupping me with a fierce grip. My back arched and I broke the kiss to breathe, dropping my head to his chest.
"We can stop," he said, much to my shock.
All I could do was shake my head no.
Flattening his tongue, Kova drew a wet trail slowly up my neck to my ear. I drew in a lustful gasp and clutched his shirt, trying not to
shudder. He shifted until he had one thigh between mine, and then swept a finger over my wet slit. It'd been so long since I had felt the kind of pleasure only he could give me.
Kova scowled under his breath, a lilt of Russian danced decadently across my skin. "I can always tell when you want me. Your pussy drips with need, so swollen I can feel it throbbing." A purr released from my throat. "You love it." He breathed heatedly down the column of my neck. I tried to block out the sensations coursing through my body. My head rolled to the side as goose bumps broke out over my scorching flesh. "You love that I can make you forget your worries and let you just be you."
Kova ran his forehead along my nape, his facial hair grazing my jaw. His teeth nipped my sensitive skin. I inhaled deeply and his finger was in my panties, breaching the folds of my sex. My eyes rolled shut and I groaned in response as he teased my entrance, pressing on my opening before pulling away.
"Admit that no one will ever make you feel the way I do. Yes, I lied about some shit, but do not tell me that we do not belong together. This, right here, this is not normal, and that is why we cannot stay away from each other. I know I ruined you, but trust me when I say it has destroyed me just as much."
"Getting married is not some shit." I managed to chew out.
"You are completely right."
Oh hell, I couldn't take the tightness in my chest much longer. Tears filled my eyes because I hated that he was right and that he’d ruined it for us. Hated that he lied. Hated that he’d had sex with me while he was married. Hated that I was allowing him to touch me now, making me crave more of him, and that I wanted to come. I hated the whole situation and my traitorous body. I sighed, suddenly drained from this back and forth we were doing.
"I regret not telling you from the start. It is my biggest regret. I want to make things right between us."
My heart pounded. "How will it ever be right?"
"I do not know, but I will try to find a way," he said, leaning into me. A deep moan rolled off his lips onto my heated flesh when he placed his hand on my aching pussy. "I will do everything in my power to correct this between us. I hate myself for hurting you. I need you, more than you know."
I whimpered, trying not to let his comment affect me. I wanted to believe him, and there was a part of me that did, but a repeated mistake was a conscious decision. I thought I was strong, but when it came to Konstantin Kournakova, I was completely defenseless. My head knew better, but my heart didn't.
Kova lifted my chin and dropped a light kiss to my lips. His nose grazed mine. Heart racing, I looked deep into his eyes and felt a mixture of anguish and affection that I couldn't deny, no matter how much I hated him.
"Let me make you feel good. You need the release, I can feel it."
I swallowed and answered with a push of my hips as that divine rush of bliss started climbing. Our lips met and two fingers pushed into me deliberately slow. This wasn't just any kiss. He kissed me like he was begging me to believe everything he’d said.
It was hard not to.
His hardness prodded my side but he didn't make any attempt to do anything for himself. Knees weak, I wound my arms around his shoulders, and Kova held me tighter with his free hand. I released a lusty moan and my nipples tingled from the orgasm that was steadily climbing. I caught a sharp corner of something after each thrust, then the smooth glide of his hand against my skin.
Soft and hard, just like us.
He pushed into me, and I clenched, almost close to the edge when I felt the sharpness again. "Something is cutting into me," I said against his mouth.
I arched my hips and his mouth parted on a breath. "So soft and dripping."
We moved against each other, and I ignored that rigid material that was actually starting to feel good. Pleasure with pain, something Kova had taught me to crave and love. I wondered if he was imagining he was thrusting into me with the way his hips rolled, with how seductive his tongue entwined with mine, and the way his chest rose and fell. It was erotic and made me desire him even more.
"Let go," he said. "I can feel you holding back."
With his demand, Kova hit the right spot and it catapulted me over the edge. He deepened his kiss. He slid two fingers into my pussy and I ground harder against his hand, clenching as I came on his fingers, rubbing so hard I saw stars. There was a little pinch, but it was soon forgotten about. I needed this orgasm and I realized the times with Hayden had been a total waste. He didn't hold a candle to Kova.
I let out a satisfied moan as he caressed my tender pussy. This intense feeling was addicting, and I always wanted more afterwards.
A rush of breath left his lips. "I love seeing you like that," he said. "So beautiful."
"You're still hard." I found myself saying. He shook his head.
Sliding his hand from my shorts, his eyes bore into mine as he brought his fingers to his mouth. They were slick with my pleasure, evidence of how much I enjoyed what he did. His wrist tilted to the side and I caught the flicker of something as he slipped his fingers into his mouth.
My chest tightened and I grabbed his wrist, turning his hand to the side. A knife jammed right into my heart.
My lips parted. No. Please, no.
Regret thumped frantically against my ribs. A coldness washed over me. He was right, I would hate him even more and I wanted to, but this time it was my fault. Not his.
The orgasm I’d willingly given Kova saturated the platinum ring his wife had given him when they’d exchanged their vows.
Body trembling, I stepped back. My eyes skittered across the floor, confused, overwhelmed, lost. Kova reached for me, but I brushed his hand away and sat down on the bench, trying to catch my breath. Shame filled me to the point I was fighting the tears threatening to pour from my eyes.
Finally, I looked up at him.
"Did you do it on purpose?" My voice was quiet and low. "Did you purposely use your ring finger? No—I know you did. That's a total you move. I can't believe I was stupid enough to do this again with you. You're disgusting and I wish I’d never fucking met you."
He looked horrified, but he'd hurt me so many times that I wanted to hurt him back.
"You think I would do that to you? I was not even thinking about which hand I was using. All I was thinking about was that I had you in my arms again."
I shook my head, my heart not able to handle another word. "I can't stomach this thing between us anymore. I can't do this back and forth."
Kova held up his left hand and I flinched. "You think I like wearing this fucking ring? The truth is I have to, as it is part of the agreement. Otherwise I would have had it fucking melted and dumped into the sea."
He shook his head, and dropped his arm to his side, but I just couldn't do it anymore. It wasn't fair to everyone involved, especially for the person who would ultimately lose in the end.
Me.
"How do you do it?" I asked. An eerie calmness settled in me.
"Do what?"
"How can you be with me while you're married? How do you look at yourself? Don't you have any guilt?"
Kova swallowed hard, his Adam's apple moving up and down. His black brows furrowed, his green eyes danced across my heartbroken face. Tears blurred my vision. I wished I'd never allowed myself that moment of weakness.
Clearing his throat, he scratched the back of his neck and looked away. "No, I do not. Not when it is you who I am with."
My jaw dropped. "Oh, really? Then why do you call Katja 'my beloved' in your language when you're speaking to her?" I asked, crossing my arms. "I know what it means. You called Katja your beloved." He opened his mouth to speak but I kept talking. "Enough! Stop playing games with my mind. Can't you see what it's doing to me?" My chin quivered. "Can't you see that it's killing me? Can't you see that you're breaking my fucking heart?"
His eyes filled with guilt and I actually felt a sentiment of sadness for him. "What am I supposed to do? What do you want me to do? Help me out here because I am just as fucked as you."
I reared back, swiping a tear away. "No, you're not. Not even close. Pick one person and be done. I know today was my fault, and I don't blame you for this, but you can't be with both of us. I won’t allow it."
"You want me to pick you? Is that it? And what if I did? Where would that get us?" He paused, his face a twist of emotions I didn't want to read into. "Nobody wins, Adrianna. There are consequences to every decision. Do you not get that? Someone will get hurt."
Typical man. He was so dumb. "Can't you see that I'm already hurt?"
His jaw flexed. "What do you want me to do?" he conceded. "You think I do not see how you are hurting every day? I see it, and my hands are tied right now. I have no choice in anything."
I stayed quiet as I stared. I didn't want to answer for him. I wanted to be his answer.
"That’s the thing, you already chose."
"Just so you know, I did not pick her," Kova said, his shoulders wilting.
"How do you live with your lies?" Kova tilted his head, his gaze confused. "You know what? Just go. You have no respect for me or your damn wife." I took a few steps until I was in front of him. "We're done. We have to be done. I don’t want you near me, I don’t want you to talk to me. Not unless we're in practice or at a meet. Other than that, there's no reason for me to associate with you."
His face fell, and he took a step toward me. "Adrianna—" My name was a desperate whisper on his lips. "You wanted this, and I gave it to you. Please…"
I shook my head. "I know, and I take full responsibility, but no more. I'm done. Tell me no if there ever is a next time, which there won't be."
Kova propped his hands on his hips and angled his head toward the floor, staring like he was lost and didn't know his way.
"No more," I choked out and reached down to swipe my keys from the floor. "I just can't do it anymore. It's too much for me."
The pinch of his wedding band was a reminder of the emotional pain he’d created, and while I knew I loved him, I equally hated him. But after today I wouldn't be able to look at myself in the mirror without feeling disgusted with myself.