“I can’t believe that you’re human.”
Bart quickly checked the area for eavesdroppers. We were definitely not human—not even close. But I didn’t think it was prudent to reveal that yet. Gnomes were not the sharpest tools in the shed.
“Humans are bad?” Madison asked as she too scanned the area through the leaves.
“Not in my book,” Bart said.
“Mine either,” Tiny said, getting more nervous by the second. “But if the Palace finds out you’re here it won’t be good.”
“The King hates humans?” I asked, already knowing the answer. He’d killed his own son because he’d consorted with a human.
Both men nodded in embarrassment.
“Why?” I asked, hoping to learn something useful here to take the King down. “What have humans ever done to him?”
For the umpteenth time, the two exchanged terrified glances.
“The heir to the throne—the good and noble Gnome Dirk—was lured away by a human woman and begat a child with her,” Tiny explained.
“And because of this horrible crime against nature, his father, and our kind, Dirk was put to death,” Bart finished sadly, swiping a rank tear from his eye. “Dirk was a wonderful Gnome. Since his death, it has gotten more difficult for the Undesirables here. Noble Gnome Dirk didn’t believe in divided societies. He believed everyone was equal—even humans.”
“And King Stew doesn’t believe that,” I said flatly.
Bart’s voice was a mere whisper. “No. He does not.”
My backpack moved. I was very aware that Neville was hearing all of this. I hated that for him, but life was tough sometimes. I was glad that they spoke highly of Dirk.
“Do you think it’s bad to consort with humans?” Madison questioned. “What if Dirk had fallen in love with this human woman?”
“Then I say good for him,” Tiny whispered with a little grin that wasn’t too revolting. “And I hope that someday the child comes back and knocks the King off the throne and leads us to salvation.”
“Tiny,” Bart hissed as he punched his cohort in the head. “Don’t speak like that. What you said is punishable by death. You know this. Dirk is gone forever and no one will save us. We are not worthy of saving.”
My backpack was now wriggling like it was full of Mexican jumping beans. Turning so the Gnomes couldn’t see it, I reached back and put my hand on Neville. The child actually had come back. But I sure as hell wasn’t going to let my little alien buddy have a go at the man who had killed the boy’s father. The Gnome King would eat someone like Neville for breakfast.
And of course, the only thanks I got for my noble thought was another hot stream of pee down my back. My Mermaid knew what she was doing when she made me carry the backpack…
“Take us to the dungeon and we’ll talk some more,” Madison said.
Tiny nodded his head and Bart spoke. “As you wish Madison Diane with the bootylicious can.”
15
Madison
The dungeon was right out of my worst nightmares—dark, dank, and filled with instruments of torture. The air was cold and ominous and the place reeked of sadness and pain. It was awful, it was terrifying … and it was empty.
Shit.
Exchanging a cryptic look with Rick, I said a quick prayer to the gods that the prisoners hadn’t already been put to death. If we were too late after all this, I was going to lose my seashells on everyone—and no one wanted to see that.
We’d entered through what I could only call a rusted out manhole on the back side of the Palace and then made our way in through several rodent infested tunnels. I walked behind Rick to protect Neville from any unwanted visitors who might try to hitch a ride in the backpack.
It took about a half hour. The boys apologized profusely and repeatedly. I told them it was fine. This was what I had asked to see. It wasn’t their fault.
“Are you certain you want to film down here?” Bart asked with a shiver of discomfort. “You’re much too famous and classy to hang out where the King keeps his prisoners.”
“Does he have any prisoners at the moment?” I asked casually as I examined the spikes and mallets used for the gods only knew what.
“We wouldn’t know,” Tiny said, looking away from the rack and the thumbscrews with a shudder. “The Undesirables are not privy to the goings on of our King and his army.”
I couldn’t believe what I was seeing… or hearing. The Gnome King was one sick motherhumper. The iron maiden with the inward facing spikes made me feel ill. The stake for burning people alive was positively horrid. And the iron plates were most likely used for some kind of torture that I didn’t even want to imagine.
Was this the shit was he’d been using on the lesser gods? Ripping Stew’s pecker off and feeding it to him didn’t sound like such a bad plan after all.
“Is this the only dungeon?” Rick asked, shaking his head in disgust at what he was seeing.
“Yes,” Bart said. “But this is only one side of it. The other side is locked with magic.”
Bingo. I’d bet my tail that the other side housed the people we were looking for. Glancing over at the Gnomes, I sighed. In the insanely short time I’d known them, Bart and Tiny had grown on me like a weird, bad smelling, but quite lovely fungus. I wanted them out of here. This was not their problem. They had enough problems without getting killed or tortured for aiding us.
“Bart and Tiny,” I said, staring up at both of the huge Gnomes wearing my I’m the boss expression. “You are going to go back to the village now. You feel me?”
“Ohhhh no!” Tiny cried out. “We will never leave your side while you’re here. It’s far too dangerous for humans like you. And we love you.”
“We’re not human,” Rick said flatly. “And umm… thank you for loving us, but I can’t really say the feeling is mutual. Although, I like you—a lot. You’re much different than the other fuckers of your kind that I’ve come across in the past. The whole Undesirable thing is bullshit. You are far more desirable than your assnardfucker of a King. And yes… I’m aware that your nuts are the size of blueberries, but you need to man up and take that bastard down.”
They stared at Rick with blank gazes. He’d confused the shit out of the poor Gnomes.
“Jack Rick with the enormous dick, it makes my heart sing that you like us a lot, but you have no clue what you are dealing with in our land. Going against King Stew and his army will ensure a very long and painful death. There is much evil here and you are human,” Bart said, perplexed.
“Not human,” I said, echoing Rick.
“Are,” Tiny insisted, shrugging helplessly. “Please… this day is the most wonderful in my entire life. I will not walk away and let the two that have brought me thousands of hours of pleasure die.”
“Sweet Poseidon in a mankini,” Madison said with a giggle. “How many times did you watch the ten episodes?”
“A lot,” Tiny admitted sheepishly.
“We’re staying,” Bart insisted.
“You’re leaving,” Rick corrected him.
Both of the Gnomes stood their ground and narrowed their eyes.
“This is going to be a lesson in tough love, Jack Rick with the enormous dick and Madison Diane with the bootylicious can,” Tiny barked, crossing his massive hairy arms over his bulbous chest. “It is very obvious that you two wonderful people are not right in the head. No one in their sane mind would ever blowtorch popcorn on the chest of your cohost while drinking a piña colada blindfolded.”
“That was a good time,” I remembered aloud as Rick gave me a thumbs up and a wink.
“I did love that episode,” Bart gushed like the rabid fan he was. “However, Tiny is right. In your batshit crazy minds, you have somehow convinced yourselves that you’re not human.”
“Well,” Rick said with a chuckle. “You got that right.”
“Finally,” Tiny huffed out with relief.
“Not the human part,” I said with a laugh. “You nailed the ba
tshit crazy part.”
And that’s when both the huge and smelly Gnomes began to cry.
“Shit,” Rick said, closing his eyes and running his hands through his hair. “We’re gonna have to prove it. Can you be trusted, boys?”
Swiping at their eyes and nodding their heads they crossed their hearts and promised.
“I’m the president of your fan club,” Tiny offered. “We’re the Di-acks! Get it? Combo of both your names.”
“We have a fan club?” I asked, shocked and kind of flattered.
Nodding spastically, Bart grinned. “You do and I’m the vice-president slash secretary. We would be happy to become blood brothers with you if that would prove our loyalty.”
Both Gnomes bit down on their hands with their sharp fangs and held their bloody appendages out to us. Thick green goo dripped off the wounds and I puked a little in my mouth.
“Ahhh… no. I’m good. Madison?” Rick inquired with a gag, grossed out at the thought of exchanging blood with the Gnomes who ran our fan club.
“Good here too,” I choked out.
Rick shrugged and gave me a lopsided grin. “Time to show the Di-acks we mean what we say.”
“So be it,” I said, raising my hands high and slashing them through the air.
In a blast of sparkling pink glitter, all of the instruments of torture morphed into a colorful playground for toddlers. I knew Neville would probably love it, but that was something we could not find out right now. I trusted Tiny and Bart, but not enough to let them in on the Neville secret.
The iron maiden was gone and in its place was a bright blue and orange swing set. The stake had become a ball pit filled with hundreds of hot pink squishy balls. There was now a slide, a sandbox and even monkey bars. Gone was every single piece of torture equipment that had lived there for centuries. And of course, there was a kiddie pool. No Mermaid worth her salt would create a play area without a swimming pool.
Tiny and Bart were shocked to complete silence. But we weren’t done.
Rick let his fangs drop and his claws pop out. Carefully handing me the backpack, he shed his clothes and let his wolf take over. Gone was my sexy man and in his place on four legs stood my massive beautiful wolf.
Tiny and Bart were still mute.
“So, friends,” I said, smiling up at them. “Will you go back to the village now so you’ll be safe?”
“You’re not human,” Bart said in a daze, eyeing the playground like a child who had never seen one.
“Not human,” I confirmed. “Rick is obviously a Werewolf and I’m a Mermaid.”
“Ohhhhh,” Tiny said, finding his voice and hopping up and down in excitement. “How thrilling. Wait,” he said, scratching his head. “Are you really here to scout a location?”
Rick nodded his head for me to answer the question as he morphed back to his human form, dressed and gently put the backpack back on.
“No. But the show did get canceled,” I said. “Your assnardfucker of a King kidnapped some lesser gods and the not so lesser gods are seriously pissed. Soooo, if you don’t want the wrath of Poseidon, Zeus, Apollo, Hades and the rest of the nutty bastards to rain down on you, you should just walk away now and let us do what we came to do.”
“You’ve come to save the lesser gods?” Bart asked.
“We have,” Rick said. “Go home. We’ll get them out and leave. No one will ever know you were involved. Cool?”
“Not cool,” Tiny grunted indignantly and puffed out his furry chest. “I despise our assnardfucker King. And I’m not afraid to say it anymore. Death would be better than living like we do. If you can go on live TV and dare each other to eat ghost peppers while running on a treadmill and reciting the lyrics to ACDC’s Back in Black backwards, I can be true to myself too. King Stew killed my family and he killed the noble heir to the throne, Dirk. Dirk was the only hope of us ever getting to leave the compound and live a normal life. I will help you and I don’t care if I die. If I perish serving the two who have made my life less agonizing with their death-defying cooking, I will die an honorable death.”
“Can I add something?” Bart inquired.
“Sure,” I said, a bit dazed from Tiny’s diatribe.
“While we’re all being upfront and open with each other, I’d like to start out by telling you I enjoy wearing women’s underpants,” Bart announced as Tiny patted his friend on the back nodded for him to continue. “This of course, is punishable by death because our assnardfucker King says so. The gods made me this way and I’m coming out of the closet today.”
“Umm… Bart?” Tiny asked, seemingly confused.
“Yes?”
“You’re gay?”
“No, not that I have an issue with that,” Bart assured all of us. “I like the ladies. I simply enjoy wearing their knickers—very silky and comfortable.”
“Anything else?” Rick asked, wincing.
“No,” Bart said, shaking his big head. “No. I’m good now.”
“Alrighty then,” I said, thinking that the Gnomes had Pirates beat in the weird department— hands down. “How about you show us the locked area and then you stand guard while we do the dirty work?”
“It would be a great honor to protect you,” Bart said with a bow.
“And it would be a great honor to be protected by you,” I replied as I hugged both of the stinky giants.
And I meant it. I now needed a shower as much as Jack did, but I didn’t care. Pee and BO were not permanent… friendships were.
16
Rick
It took Madison’s magic, my claws and fangs followed by a giant stinky push from the Gnomes to break the iron door down, but we did it. Bart and Tiny stood guard at the entrance and my Mermaid and I went in to see if we’d hit the jackpot.
“Rick,” Madison said, stopping me with a touch before we got to the caged area.
“Yes, baby?”
She smiled and cupped my cheek. “I love you. I think you’re the smartest, craziest, sexiest and most wonderful man I’ve ever met. But…”
Wait. There was a but? Was I being dumped? My stomach roiled and I wanted to die. This was worse than being banished most of my life. My pack didn’t matter to me. Madison did. Without even trying, the Mermaid had become my reason to live.
“But?” I repeated and held my breath as I waited for the blow that would kill me dead.
“But I don’t want to get married,” she said quickly. “I’d prefer to live in sin with you for the rest of eternity. My sister’s wedding was a fucking shit show and I just can’t do it… Are you okay with that?”
The breath I exhaled was the most fabulous breath that had ever left my lungs. My body felt as light as a feather and I wanted to sing even though I was tone deaf.
“Yesssss,” I said, sagging in relief.
Madison gave me a strange look and nudged me with her elbow. “What did you think I was going to say?”
“I thought you were breaking up with me,” I admitted.
“Never,” she said, wrapping her arms around me and hugging me tight. “Never ever ever.”
“I’m holding you to that, Mermaid,” I said, reaching around and unzipping the backpack so Neville could get some fresh air. “You okay little alien dude?”
“Me good,” Neville whispered, popping his oversized head out. “Me love Bart and Tiny.”
“Me do too,” Madison said with a smile as she kissed Neville’s chubby cheek. “You are being such a good boy. I’m proud of you.”
“Someday me come here and save Bart and Tiny,” Neville promised.
Both Madison and I were silent. There was nothing we could say. If that was indeed Neville’s destiny, he would have to follow it. I just hoped that he wasn’t half human. The little dude would never defeat the Gnome King if he was.
“Neville,” Madison said in an odd tone. “Tilt your head to the right, please.”
I could feel Madison examining the child. Neville giggled as she ran her hands through his hair.
“His hair,” she said, removing the backpack from my back. “Look at this and tell me if I’m nuts.”
“We both know you’re nuts,” I said with a chuckle. “It’s one of the reasons I love you.”
Squatting down I peered at the top of Neville’s head and was stunned. It was such a distinctly recognizable color there was no missing it.
“No fucking way,” I whispered as I touched the silky strands.
“That’s what I thought,” Madison said with her adorable nose wrinkled in thought. “How can this be explained?”
“Don’t know. Maybe we should ask,” I said, sitting down on the floor and getting down to Neville’s level. “Little dude, are you part human?”
“No, silly Waaawuf. Me not human at all,” he said with a very impressive eye roll for someone his age.
“Are you a merman?” Madison asked, still fixated on his hair.
Neville giggled. “Me a god and a Gnome.”
And now the hair made sense. And the cryptic reasons behind the mission began to make sense. The bar we’d been sent to made sense and the fact that Kim was our stage manager made sense. The soused bastard had meddled in everyone’s life. But I still wasn’t sure why.
“How do you know you’re a god?” Madison asked, sounding shell shocked.
“Me dreams. Me great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-Grand Pappy tell me so.”
“And what is your great times umm… whatever Grand Pappy’s name?” I asked, knowing what he was about to share.
Neville leaned in and touched my nose with a chubby finger. “Pooooseidon.”
The mossy green strands of hair on his head mixed with the red were hereditary. The fact that the little guy could swim and talk underwater was also hereditary. The eventuality that the little alien dude would be a force to reckoned with in the future was a given. Neville had the bloodline of a king and a god. Holy shit, he might actually come back and save Bart and Tiny.
Madison's Mess Page 12