But these were exactly the sort of thoughts that Jill wanted to avoid just now.
Is it a problem for you at work, the gay thing? She asked; to change the subject.
Not more of a problem than if I was what you´d call normal. Everyone knows about it, but it’s not a big deal for anyone so far as I can tell. I’m a fairly emotional person for someone who is one step away from autism; but that’s not always a bad thing. I’m not all gushing and dramatic if that’s what you mean. I’m not in a relationship just now, but I don’t come in all tearful and sensitive about it. We can’t all be design consultants and floral arrangers you know.
I didn’t mean it like that at all. Sorry.
I was joking. What about you?
What about me?
You know what I mean. Boys or girls? Anyone special?
No-one special just now, Jill answered. There was, I thought, but I need to get free of all that. I´m afraid I’ve been too long in one of those relationships where I have to plan to take my holidays alone. Waiting for something that will never happen.
Married man?
You guessed. I´m not proud of myself.
It´s not something I´ve experienced. I mean, I´ve had lovers who’ve been seeing other men. God, I´ve done it myself, I´m ashamed to say. You know how it happens. Both of you know something isn´t right even if you never really think about it and then someone new comes along and in a few weeks either everything falls apart or you patch things up but it’s never really the same again. It’s that time between when everyone´s lying to each other that I can’t stand. It makes me completely miserable. I couldn´t cope with it going on and on.
It does go on and on, Jill admitted.
It has to. He´s married and he says he doesn´t love her but for some reason he has to stay with her. Children I suppose, usually. But he´s lying to at least one of you and how can you be happy living a lie? I suppose you’re waiting to move to the next stage all the time.
That’s about right; although now it´s been like this for so long that I´m not sure what I´d do if he decided to come to me permanently. Anyway, I´ve always needed to be in charge of my own life. I think that’s why a certain kind of man always imagines I must fancy women. I don’t seem to need a man as much as they think I should. And I don’t run about in a panic when there’s a crisis either. I suppose that’s partly how I fell into this married man trap. Attracted to a man who doesn’t want me hanging on his arm all the time and it turns out that’s because he’s got someone else at home.
I’m sorry. But you’re an attractive lady Jill. You don’t need to stay caught in the trap. I noticed how men look at you. Simon was looking at you hard in that certain way before he and Emma got together.
I didn’t come to Africa looking for a man, Jill told him; more to get away from one. And just now I’ve got more important things to worry about, like keeping us alive.
She paused.
What you said before, about Emma and Simon?
Haven’t you noticed them together?
You’re joking. When could that happen? We’re busy all day and there’s nowhere private for them.
There’s always somewhere a little private if two people are looking for it.
I don’t believe it.
You sure you’re not jealous?
I mean, I don’t believe Emma would be looking to take up with someone else so soon after she slept with that monster, Bloom. It would make me feel unclean. Simon’s nice enough, but he’s a bit of a damp dishcloth. I can’t think how he ever brought himself to say two words to her. But, don’t they realize how serious this situation is. George, we could die out here. Aren’t there more important things than sex?
Shh, George said, putting an arm on her shoulder. Apparently not. I don’t think they’ve gone so far with it yet. But it’s good to have something that makes life worth fighting for, don’t you think? Keep your eyes open anyway, you’ll see the signs.
Jill returned to the makeshift tent some time later. She thought that she ought to make a further attempt to sleep. It seemed that the sleeping bags of the other two were closer together than when she’d left them. The night wasn’t cold and the sleepers were lying with their shoulders out of the bags. Simon was in shadow under the edge of the tent, while Emma’s face was partly visible in the flickering light of the fire. She was wearing a patterned knitted hat. Both of them were still fast asleep, but Emma’s face bore a curious expression, more tranquil than vacant. Jill saw that she was holding on to Simon’s outstretched hand in the darkness that lay between them.
Chapter Sixteen - Day Fifteen
As always they were up and moving the next morning before it was properly light. By now each of them awoke and started the daily routine without need for any prompting or even conversation. Their camp was a strangely silent place, and breaking it only required a cup of water and some boiled sweets to be shared around before packs were hoisted onto weary shoulders. The packs weren’t all that heavy now that so much had been used up or discarded on the way, but somehow it felt that the burden that each of them carried was becoming bigger by the day.
On this day there was something new that they glimpsed from time to time in the cold morning air. Far ahead, in the direction of their march they kept seeing a faint smudge of a shape on the skyline: it looked like a range of hills. Jill was sure that it was the place she’d visited on an earlier trip, where she’d looked at all those ancient cave paintings. There was a little museum there and a campsite, in her memory. There’d be people there for sure. She didn’t say anything to the others at first, in case what they were looking at was only clouds. Jill couldn’t remember when they had last seen a cloud.
They were passing through country that was as parched as the land where they’d first been stranded. They hadn’t found water again and there didn’t seem to be any likelihood of it between their current location and the hills, if they really were hills. It made no difference. There weren’t any choices left now. They only had to keep going for as long as their strength should last in the hope that they would come to some safe place before the end.
By the midday halt, it was clear that they were looking at mountains in the distance. Jill explained what she thought they must be. It turned out that George had visited the site and agreed that they were looking at Tsodilo Hills. They all felt cheered that at least now they had a destination in view. Even though it looked so far away, having an end in sight was better than walking blindly.
Under normal circumstances they might have looked at the distance they still had to cover as a long drag; something that would take a while but would in no sense be beyond them. In their current state; weak and moving slower with every step, none of them was confident of being able to reach the destination at all.
In the next few hours, the walking seemed more exhausting than usual. They had grown used to the feeling that the slightest exertion made their pulses race and their breathing heavy, but this felt like something new. They were too far gone to realize that they had unconsciously increased their pace as a result of being able to see their objective. Before long they were all shattered and feeling as if their objective was becoming further away instead of nearer. Although it would mean losing some of the precious time before the sun became too hot for walking, Jill realized that she would have to call a halt.
While the others rested, Emma spent some time building a small cairn from the many stones that were lying around; marking their path. Jill dragged herself up and went over to help.
You keep working at these, she said. Do you think there’s any point?
I have to believe they are still following us, Emma replied. It’s too horrible otherwise.
Alright, I’m helping. Don’t upset yourself.
They finished off the cairn together, although Jill was convinced it was a waste of energy.
George told me about you and Simon, she began.
What about it? That’s nobody’s business but ours.
>
Of course. Don’t misunderstand me. I was surprised that’s all. And I do worry about you a little. I know you’ve been badly hurt.
Emma sat down next to the pile of stones and started to make pointless adjustments to it.
I was stupid with that man, she said. It was my own fault. I’m always stupid with men, even though I’m clever enough about other things. But Simon’s not like other men.
No one could have known how Bloom would turn out. There’s no point blaming yourself over that. I don’t know Simon, but he’s not like that. It’s just that, well maybe it’s not the best circumstance right now to find out whether Simon’s the right man for you.
Emma’s laugh was bitter.
What´s a good circumstance? I´m not a young girl now. The men I meet are either selfish kids who were too lazy ever to leave home, divorced and twisted up about their lives, or else still married. That would be the worst of all, wouldn´t it? Getting stuck on someone who’s already in a relationship. I haven’t got that low yet, fortunately.
Yes. That’s lucky.
I really don’t mind that Simon’s not handsome you know. You needn’t worry about that. I didn’t know anything about men for the longest time, but at least I’ve learned now not to judge them by appearance. Most girls find out about men when they’re young, don’t you think? How different they are from women. What they really mean when they say things. Why they never tell you what they’re thinking. I never went through the learning process. I was too busy to mess around with boys when I was young. I knew I was pretty and I wanted to make sure I got the best degree and a good job before I found the right man and started a family. Afterwards it was too late: you get beyond a certain age and there are nasty words for girls who need to flirt a little. That’s why I’m so clumsy at it. So the family thing hasn’t happened.
Not yet, you mean.
Emma didn’t change her posture or expression, she only gave a little shudder. Whatever had caused it seemed to leave her limp. Her hands dropped into her lap and a single tear started down her face from the corner of one eye, staining the salt crusted skin.
We’re going to die out here, like all the others, she said.
Don’t be silly. We’re almost safe. We can see where we’re going now. We’ll probably be spotted by someone long before we reach the hills. Tsodilo has plenty of visitors and it’s not far away.
It’s too far for us now, Emma said calmly. We haven’t got enough left. Not enough water, not enough strength, not enough anything.
Jill took Emma by the shoulders and squeezed. For a moment she felt like a mother.
We’ll manage with what we’ve got. Look, you just cried a tear. You can’t be all that short of water. We’ll find more if we have to, like we did before. Emma, I promise you we are going to make it.
Emma wiped her cheek on a dusty cuff and tried to smile.
I wish I still believed we live in a world where promises can make things real, she replied.
***
In the afternoon, their day became worse. The dust seemed thicker, their packs felt heavier and it was hard to breathe easily. They experienced strange tinglings in their fingers and toes. Muscles seemed to be on the point of cramping all the time. When cramp did strike George, he fell to the ground clutching at his calf and crying out in agony. It took twenty minutes of pushing and stretching the affected foot to get him moving again. Probably they needed more salt, but there wasn’t any. And if they’d had salt the thirst would have been even harder to bear.
The hills still didn’t look much closer in spite of Jill’s assurances. Having your destination in sight but still so far away was dangerous, she realized. Jill had no idea whether pushing them all to keep going would only kill them quicker, but she was certain that if they tried to set a pace based on what was bearable for their bodies, then their progress would cease altogether.
From time to time she stopped and used the cracked dashboard mirror that she still carried to reflect sunlight in the direction of the hills. She willed herself to believe that there would be people up there who might notice the signal. There’d be tourists up there for sure, more intent on listening to the guide’s description of the mountain and its Stone Age paintings than looking out across the flat plain. Well, they’d been tourists themselves until a few days ago.
She moved to the head of the group to ask Simon whether he thought they were trying to close the distance too quickly. He held up his canteen and shook it.
I’ve looked at what’s left in there three times now without daring to drink any, he said. I keep remembering what happened to poor Andrew, but when this is gone there’s no more and soon after that it won’t matter much what speed we try to move at.
His voice was hoarse and rasping, not sounding like anyone she had known.
They had to rest, she decided, even though it wasn’t late. They had done as much as they could for that day. No one had any energy left and they were in a state where they might make an idiotic mistake as they stumbled along in a daze. Just one more mistake now would be fatal.
Let’s look out for a good camp site, she suggested, as if one place could be better than any other just now.
The plan was that they should rest and sleep, but after they had used some more of their precious energy reserves to set up camp, sleep did not come easily.
Jill found herself trying to focus on their situation and whether there was anything different they might try. It was a useless effort. Her thoughts went round in circles and ended in random memories of the past that had no relevance now. In fact, there were only a few things about the present that were worth consideration and almost no choices to make, however often she turned them over in her mind. She started musing on other things, like the people she was with and what a shame it was that they were probably going to die.
Why had she said those things about Simon to Emma? It wasn’t that she was jealous. Simon was a nice person, though he was hardly a catch. He was skinny and odd looking and he could barely string a sentence together if it was about anything other than practical matters. In fact that was the problem: Emma would be way out of his league if not for the fact that the two of them were stuck out here together and likely destined never to see other human beings again. Three months from now, if they survived, Emma might be embarrassed to be seen with him in public and both of them would end up hurt: all because the girl was on the rebound from finding out she’d been making love to a monster and was scared of being alone in the face of whatever was coming to them.
Well that was alright then. If the only problem with the relationship was that it might not last after they were saved, then that was another thing Jill didn’t need to worry about. All she had to guard against now was anything that would make any of them less likely to keep on going to the absolute end of their endurance.
In spite of what Jill had told Emma, she could admit to herself that salvation was looking like a more remote probability as that strength ebbed from them. There was no way to compensate for a lack of water with willpower, but at least they must keep trying to the end.
Somehow, it became easier to loose her hold on the day after she had that thought. Their fire that night was not looked after as it should have been. The air was warmer than before and they’d all but given up worrying about the animals. No one even suggested they keep a watch. Looking out from under the canopy, away beyond the fire, there was a glow of starlight shining and a few tiny stars visible in the far sky. Jill drifted into sleep thinking about those stars, strangely unconcerned about what might happen the next day.
Usually she was the first to awake, but the next morning George was shaking her in the half-light. Something must have caused him to disturb her.
What is it?
Clouds.
It was true: there were clouds. Rather, there was one large cloud that seemed to be heading towards them as they watched, trailed by wispy strands that untangled themselves from the mass and trailed behind. It
wasn’t the sort of high, piled-up cloud that made a storm inevitable, but it was big and heavy enough to be carrying rain.
Can you believe it?
In a week or two, Jill replied; the rains will be here. Then there’ll be all the water anyone could want.
It was one of the sick ironies of their situation that they all knew. They were on the point of dying of thirst in country where water would soon be plentiful. Another subject not to be talked of. Jill scrambled out of her sleeping bag and stood watching the cloud approach with the rest of them.
Do you think it could rain? Simon asked her. He was standing just outside the tent; unmoving and with eyes fixed on the unfamiliar feature in the sky.
It’s possible. I don’t know whether we are close enough to the hills for them to have any effect. The wind’s moving, but it’s not strong.
There’s a feeling of something in the air, George suggested.
We should get the tent spread to catch whatever may fall.
They moved quickly then; feeling or imagining the first drops falling.
Perhaps it was the first real rainfall of the year. In any case it was over in minutes. After it passed and the faces that had been upturned and open-mouthed looked back to the earth, they saw that they’d barely managed to collect enough to fill a single canteen. But still, it was something.
It would be easy to treat this as a deception, Jill thought, as if we’re the victims of a malicious joke. Or else we can choose to read it as a hopeful sign.
You see, she said to Emma, smiling; I told you everything was going to be okay. Someone somewhere is looking out for us.
Emma managed a weak grin in reply.
There’s hardly enough to make any difference, Simon observed.
But we could have a proper storm tomorrow, Jill insisted; now that the weather’s finally changing.
George was staring out across the landscape, noticing how different even a few drops of rain made everything seem. The lone cloud had passed over a huge dry expanse, only dampening the narrow corridor in its path.
His eyes were drawn to some slight depressions in the wet sand that the wetness threw into relief. George called the others over.
the Disappearance of Jonathan Bloom Page 18