by Abe Moss
“Yeah, I was pretty tired last night.”
Addie left the counter and trashed her yogurt cup. She regarded her mother sitting at the counter, skeleton fingers still clamped around her coffee mug, a fifty-pound dumbbell of accusation forcing her lips into a scowl.
“What?”
Her mother sipped her coffee, watching from her eyes’ corners.
“Why hasn’t your boyfriend asked you to move in yet?”
Addie opened her mouth to speak but had nothing to say, surprised by the question.
“I don’t know. Where is this coming from?”
“You’ve been dating long enough, haven’t you?”
“Is a year long enough for that?”
“Of course it is! What are you doing, that he hasn’t asked yet?”
“How do you know he hasn’t? And what makes you think it’s me?”
“I know how you can be.”
Her mother returned to the table to watch the television, turning her back to Addie to end the conversation. That was fine, Addie thought.
She went to the door and put on her shoes, grabbed her keys.
She left without a goodbye.
✽✽✽
“Is everything all right?”
Linda stood with her arms folded in front of the closed office door. Addie sat in the chair by the computer, hands restless in her lap.
“You almost just gave that woman ten dollars too much in change. Is that what happened yesterday? I’ve been watching you all afternoon. You’re like a zombie out there… You’re not high, are you?”
“I’m not high.”
“Then what’s going on?”
Addie wished she had the answer. She scratched at her cheek.
“Is there something the matter?”
“No,” Addie said, but her mouth was scrunched, holding back tears.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
She shook her head. Linda only watched her for a moment, thinking.
“If you need the day off, I’m happy to send you home.”
“No!” Addie sat up straight, wiping her eyes. No evidence. “I’m fine. I really am. I just… have stuff going on right now. But I’ll be fine.”
“Are you sure? Because I can’t put you back on register like this.”
“I’m sorry. I’ll be okay now.”
Linda looked at her watch.
“Karlie should be here in an hour. If you can handle register until then, I’ll put you on something else for the rest of the day. If that’s what you want.”
“That’d be… good.”
✽✽✽
She found herself once again sitting in her car in the dark parking lot, phone in her lap, only this time there weren’t any new messages. Perhaps it was over, she thought, just like that. She wondered if Carter would be disappointed to never see her again, or hear from her again, if he’d miss her. Or maybe he’d wanted it to die like this.
“What are you doing right now?”
She hit SEND.
Hated herself a little more.
✽✽✽
Apartment 97’s door opened wide. Carter was already shirtless. Sweeping the door shut behind her, Addie pressed herself against him. She kissed him, pushed him across the room, sat him on the couch. He looked up at her—smiling mouth, confused eyes—and she kneeled on the floor between his legs.
“Not even going to say hello?” he said, and laughed.
She took off his pants. Her shirt. His boxers. She felt his hand through her hair.
One minute.
Two minutes.
Five minutes.
Carter moaned.
She looked at him and smiled, but only with her mouth. Her eyes couldn’t manage. He smiled back, pleasantly sleepy. She sat next to him on the couch, leaned against him, put his arm around herself, snuggled her head under his chin.
“Sorry about last night,” he said. “I really am.”
Of course you are, she thought.
“Just hold me.”
He obliged, and breathed deeply into her ear.
She closed her eyes.
✽✽✽
Something nudged her. Shook her. She opened her eyes.
Carter stood over her, fully dressed now.
“What time is it?”
“It’s only ten,” he answered.
She sat up, looked around the dark living room. The windows were black. It was still night.
“I have to leave again,” he said.
“So… you’re kicking me out?”
He shrugged and looked around the quiet apartment.
“You have to pick your drunk friend up again?”
“No, I just…” He shook his head and made a sound, a laugh or a sigh, Addie couldn’t tell. “A friend—a different friend—wants to get together tonight. I’m sorry.”
Addie bent over and found her shoes on the floor. She began putting them on. Then she stood, observed the couch behind her, checking to see if she’d dropped anything. She faced Carter.
“You can’t tell them you’re busy with me?”
“Well… I’m not. We were just sleeping on the couch.”
Addie left for the door, and spoke over her shoulder on the way. “Text me the next time you feel like doing something besides fucking.”
“Hey,” Carter said. “I didn’t ask you to come over tonight.”
Addie stepped out into the corridor. Carter leaned in the doorway, watching her with that condescending grin she hated.
“You know what I mean,” she answered. “When was the last time we did anything else?”
“I’m busy all day. I can’t help it. Why are you being so needy all of a sudden?”
Addie scoffed. Flinched. She turned and stormed down the corridor toward the elevator. When the doors opened, she looked back and saw his doorway was already closed. She was already forgotten. She’d given him what he wanted.
On the ground floor, she pushed her way out into the night-breezy parking lot. Her flats slapped on the concrete, stomping around like a spoiled child. A sudden explosion of laughter nearly sent her reeling as she stepped from the curb. She wobbled around, a breath caught in her throat. She scanned the building’s old brick and ivy in the dark, and could barely make out a slim figure propped against it. The woman laughed again, boisterous and seductive. She shifted her weight from leg to leg, a phone to her ear. Addie watched, tried making her out more clearly in the shadows…
No, she thought. It was very unlikely…
She continued to her car and left for home.
✽✽✽
“Home early again?”
Addie locked the door behind her. She removed her shoes and put her keys in the dish.
“Carter ditched me again.”
Her mother laughed, sitting at the kitchen table. “Well, don’t hold it against him. I’m sure he had his reasons.”
Addie mumbled something as she started down the hall, and heard her mother get up from her chair and follow close behind.
“What was that?”
She stopped before the bathroom and turned to her mother, who waited at the hallway’s end, barely illuminated by the kitchen light.
“I said you don’t even know him.”
Her mother straightened, hand on her waist.
“What does that have to do with anything?”
“It means you’ve never met him. You have no idea who he is, and you act like I should worship him or something.”
“I know there has to be something special about him, being able to put up with your shit. That you can take any man for granted disgusts me, to tell you the truth. You don’t realize how good you’ve got it.”
“If I gave him your number, would that make you happy?”
Her mother batted her hand at the air, done with talking, and returned to the kitchen, where Addie could scarcely hear the television static speaking in its jumbled code.
She remained in the hall, unmoving, her mind a mess of poison-though
ts. It was nothing compared to exchanges they’d had before, but she found herself shaking, fists clenched, wishing she could follow her mother into the kitchen, take a handful of her hair, and punish her for being so… so…
Honest.
She stepped into her bathroom and shut the door. Her cheeks were hot, her eyes brimming. She went to the sink and splashed water on her face, diluted the tears before they showed. Her mouth fell open in a quiet sob she couldn’t stifle, and so she splashed more water, slapped herself softly, bent over the sink to keep from seeing her ugly crying in the bathroom mirror.
“Stop,” she ordered herself.
She pulled the towel from its rack and buried her face.
When she was able, she left the bathroom and hurried into her room, where she crawled into the sheets and shut her eyes, willing herself to sleep as soon as possible, to lock her mind away for the night. But that proved more difficult than she’d hoped, and instead she tossed and turned for hours until the sheets wound tightly around her like a straightjacket, which was just as well, she thought.
She might have to get used to the feeling.
Chapter Three
It was Friday, her day off this week. After much sleeping in, she dressed as quickly as she could. She started for the front door, not giving a single glance into the kitchen where she knew her mother waited.
“Where you off to in such a hurry?” she called from behind.
But Addie didn’t answer.
She got in her car and drove. Where to, she didn’t know yet. The sun was out, which meant no Carter. Not that she wanted to see him anyway…
What is my life?
It was a question she asked herself more and more these days. She woke up, went to work, had sex with Carter, and came home. Rinse and repeat, unless Carter blew her off. Sprinkle in some mean-spirited conversation with her mother now and again. She couldn’t recall the last time she’d enjoyed herself. Actually enjoyed herself. Sleeping with Carter used to give her something, she thought. A feeling of… being wanted. Now even that was gone.
Stomach growling, she pulled into a McDonald’s parking lot. She took her phone from inside her pocket, compulsively checking for messages she knew wouldn’t be there. Then she got out of her car, checked for traffic, and hurried to the door.
Inside, she was met with the cozy, warm, fast-food aromas that never failed to start her salivating. She knew Carter would have disapproved, but she didn’t think that mattered anymore… Five minutes later she left the counter with a bag in hand, a Big Mac and fries, and a large Coke in the other. She was almost to the door when a voice called out to her.
“Addie!”
She stopped and turned.
Oh, fuck me…
Two young women sat together at one of the small booths. One of them got to her feet, the one Addie recognized, beaming from ear to ear like something out of a phony infomercial. She approached, arms lifted to embrace. Addie returned the hug, her bag and cup clamped fearfully tight.
“Oh my God,” the woman said. “It feels like I haven’t seen you in ages.”
“Same,” Addie replied. She screamed internally.
“Come sit with us! I’d love to catch up.”
“Oh, I…”
“Come on!”
She put her hand on Addie’s back and guided her to their table, where Addie sat across from them. The one she knew—her name was Jessica. Tall, attractive, lush blonde hair, a skinny waist, she was almost generic in her perfection. A Barbie doll with bigger tits. Addie squirmed in her seat, observing them in their trendy summer clothes with their immaculate skin and makeup, and felt years younger in comparison, though they were the same age. Dressed in worn jeans and a baggy t-shirt, she suddenly felt twelve years old.
“So what have you been up to?” Jessica asked. She took a single fry and nibbled its tip with her radiant, smiling teeth. Like glossy white tombstones.
“Well, nothing really,” Addie said, and the two women laughed together, nodding in some kind of agreement, but for what Addie wasn’t sure. “Just working.”
“Oh yeah? Where at?”
Addie remembered her food and took her fries out from her bag.
“I’m just at Jensen’s Grocery right now…”
“Ah! Okay…”
Addie didn’t want to ask, didn’t want to know, but felt the need to make conversation so she did anyway.
“How about you?”
“Well,” Jessica began, “I’m still in school right now, but I’m interning part-time over at…”
Addie tuned out. Ate another fry. Sipped her Coke. Thought about Carter. Her mom. Realized she had no better place to be.
A couple minutes passed before Jessica finished.
“So are you dating anyone?”
Addie looked up, wide-eyed, half a salty fry pinched in her mouth.
“Huh?”
Jessica laughed. “Are you dating anyone, I said.”
“Oh.” Addie took a long gulp of her Coke. She looked between Jessica and the other girl whom she didn’t recognize, who hadn’t yet spoken a word, though they both stared with equally unnecessary interest. “No.”
“Really? I’m surprised to hear that. Are—”
“How about you guys?” Addie interrupted, not wanting to speak of her situation any more than she had to. One lie was good enough. Although… was it a lie?
“Well, Cyndi’s engaged.” Jessica bent her head in the other girl’s direction, who offered her hand to show the ring on her finger. Addie didn’t know or care enough about engagement rings (or jewelry at all for that matter) to be able to tell the quality of the ring. But it was indeed a ring. That much was certain. “I’m hoping to be engaged soon, too. My boyfriend and I have been together… almost seven months? So any day now, really.”
“Well, that’s great.” Addie finished her fries and removed her burger from the bag.
“So are you interested in dating?” Jessica asked.
Addie paused with a mouthful of burger. It was none of their business, she thought, and she couldn’t understand why they’d want to ask. She barely knew Jessica, after all. They’d been friends so long ago…
“Well, I—”
“You know what?” Jessica interrupted this time, turning to Cyndi. “I bet Sam would like her. What do you think?”
Cyndi regarded Addie then, and Addie shriveled under her gaze, her chalk-white-knuckled fingers boring holes through the greasy buns of her burger.
“I think she might be his type.”
Ugly and sweaty? Addie thought.
“Yeah, I think so too,” Jessica said. “I know this seems totally random…” Jessica laughed, and Cyndi laughed as well like a proper sidekick should. “Like, I know we haven’t seen each other in years and haven’t really talked that much, but do you think you’d be interested in that?”
Addie paused. “Um… interested in what?”
“Being set up with our friend, Sam.”
Addie nearly choked on her burger. A piece of lettuce hung from her lip and she tried grabbing it with her tongue, choking all the while, and in a moment of panic decided to abandon her efforts and grabbed her Coke instead. She took two long gulps, and then removed the lettuce and placed it in her bag, her face red-hot iron.
“You okay?” Jessica asked, smiling kindly.
“You hardly know me…” Addie gasped. She took a deep breath.
“What do you mean?”
“We haven’t spoken in years, and you just suddenly want to set me up with some guy you know?”
“Well, I mean, just because we haven’t seen each other doesn’t mean I don’t still consider you a friend!” Jessica laughed and turned to Cyndi, who smiled on cue. “I’ve actually thought about you, like, pretty often these past years, wondering where you might be. Turns out you were here all along! But I’d love to hang out again, and just sitting here these last few minutes I couldn’t help realizing you’d be perfect for our friend, Sam. He really has a thing for girl
s like you, Addie.”
Like me. Whatever that meant. She didn’t want to ask for an elaboration.
Not trusting herself to finish her burger, she placed the rest back in the bag. She folded her arms on the table, wishing she could get up and leave without another word.
“So? Will you?”
“I doubt he’d be interested,” Addie said. “Besides, blind dates make me nervous.”
“Oh, well I have pictures on my phone if you want!”
“No, no. That’s fine.”
“Oh, come on,” Jessica said, and she put her hand on Addie’s arm. “I really think you’d hit it off.”
But I already have a boyfriend, she considered saying. But didn’t.
Jessica bent her head, eyes turned up in anticipation of Addie’s answer. Cyndi was looking out the window now, no longer able to feign interest.
“I…” Addie paused. Jessica’s grip tightened on her arm.
She noticed the sounds of names being called from the counter, and children playing in the larger seating area. She thought again about Carter. What she’d said to him. To text her the next time he felt like doing something besides fucking. Would that ever happen? Or was that the last she’d seen of him? What did she even mean to him? Not much. In fact, she almost worried the same would happen with any other guy. They’d discover soon enough what she was really worth. They’d know they wasted their time. Carter learned to value her for one thing and one thing only. Perhaps that was really all she had to offer…
“At this point, I don’t think I can take no for an answer.” Jessica removed her hand from Addie’s arm and began digging through her purse on the seat next to her. She pulled out her phone. “Why don’t you give me your number, and I’ll talk to Sam later today. I’ll set it all up.”
“What if he doesn’t want to?”
“What do you mean ‘what if he doesn’t want to’? I really think you’ll like him. And I’m positive he’ll like you, so don’t even worry about it.”