by Abe Moss
“Trust probably isn’t the right word… I’m just realizing I’ve seen enough here—things that should be impossible—that the idea of being helped shouldn’t be any harder to believe.”
“I wish I felt that way.”
“You don’t have to. Just see what happens. You’ve already come this close to death, haven’t you? Not much left to lose.”
“Wow, you should think about taking Nuala’s job. You almost sound just like her.”
She joined Addie and they continued back to the guesthouse.
“If the bathtub swallows me whole, I’m blaming you.”
Chapter Fifteen
Three days came and went.
Something about the guesthouse had changed, but no one could put their finger on it. The paint was fresh, and Lyle’s window was replaced, but those weren’t it. It felt different. The longer they spent inside its walls, looking through its windows, entering and exiting as they pleased, sharing meals at its table, the more… comfortable it became. It was hardly foreign anymore. And likewise, the longer they spent in each other’s company, lounging in the living area together, enjoying the warm afternoons shaded under the property’s shadow, or sitting at night with the crackling fire between them, the less awkward it became. They weren’t close to being a family, or even friends, and this wasn’t home, but they weren’t quite strangers and the guesthouse wasn’t the prison it seemed.
They took another trip to Nuala’s cliffside for lunch. The air was cooler than last, and the sky was smattered with pockets of bright clouds riding in on a soft, pine-scented breeze. Lyle took his spot from before, legs dangling.
“Mind if I join you again?”
He glanced at Addie. “No.”
She sat behind him, still too afraid to brave the edge as he did.
“I’ve been thinking about all that stuff you said.”
“Which stuff exactly?”
“About not having a choice in who we are. That stuff.”
“Ah.”
“I was thinking… if I’m faced with a decision, where I could go in one direction or another… You believe whatever choice I make isn’t really my choice. Right?”
“Pretty much.”
“So then what makes a person choose one or the other?”
“It depends on who this person is. The life they’re subjected to determines who they’ll be, and what kind of decisions they’ll be prone to making.”
“Nuala believes that, too,” Addie said. “She said something similar to me before… Do you think there exist situations where a person is just as likely to choose one option as another?”
“Maybe. But remember, that same situation could be much less balanced for anyone else. It’s different for everyone because everyone’s different. Let’s say it’s a situation with a definite good option and a definite bad option.” He talked with his hands, placing a cup of air to his left, and one to his right. Addie watched, amused. “Depending on who you put in that situation, someone will choose the bad option. To you or me, it might have seemed obvious. Why wasn’t it for them? Because they don’t know what we do. Or maybe we don’t know what they do. Do people choose what they know? I don’t think so. Unfortunately, most people take more credit or blame for that than they deserve.”
“What about when someone does something out of character?”
He thought for a bit. “Sometimes a person has to adapt. Out of stress, or necessity. Just like literally everything else that shapes a person… it’s a learning experience.”
“And where did you learn all this?”
Lyle tapped a finger to his temple. “I just think about things.”
“Sure.”
“I do.”
“All right…” She didn’t know yet if the things he said meant anything to her, if she retained it or believed it or what, but he had a mesmerizing way of talking at the very least. “What happens when someone doesn’t adapt?”
He bounced his legs up and down over the cliff—a sweet, absent gesture.
“You know the answer to that,” he said. He turned to her, cast his eyes briefly at the others making conversation next to the parked truck. “We all do.”
✽✽✽
The next day Addie was taking a walk through the field not far from the property, running her fingertips through the long grass, watching her toes comb through its tangles, when Bud came to find her. His eyes were down, wringing his hands. She paused and waited, watched him with a faint smile, mildly nervous.
When he was arm’s reach away he looked at her. “What are you doing out here?”
“Just walking. Thinking.”
“What are you thinking about?”
“Too much, probably. You want to walk with me?”
He nodded and together they paced around the field, around the guesthouse, the burning sun hidden periodically by the clouds that passed overhead.
“I know I already said so, but I need to say it again…” His words came in a rapid fire stream. “I’m sorry about your boyfriend, I didn’t know and I’m sorry I was there…”
“I thought we already went over this? You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“I understand that, I just… I can’t help it. I know how much that must have hurt you.”
“But it wasn’t your doing. And it doesn’t take a lot to hurt me, anyway.”
“What do you mean?”
Their eyes penetrated the other’s, both hungry for something neither of them knew how to give or take.
“I think you and I are a lot alike,” Addie said, and realized she’d said something similar to Joanna.
Bud let out a short laugh. “You shouldn’t talk about yourself like that.”
“I’m serious.”
“How do you think we’re alike?”
Addie hesitated. It was apparent he didn’t think highly of himself (another thing they shared) and she worried she might offend him.
“Do you ever feel like… everyone else is in tune with something you’re not? It’s like… you’re the only person in the world who doesn’t know how to… be. People look at you and they can tell you’re different, that you’re missing something.”
“Yeah, I get that.”
“I think you and I…” She paused. “I think we both feel guilty for things we can’t help. Things that might not have anything to do with us.”
“That might be true, but good luck trying to believe it deep down.”
“Oh, I know.” She wanted Bud to open up about the bathtub, and figured that to be the reason he came in the first place, but knew it’d be easier if she opened up a little first. She almost wanted to regardless. “I sometimes think I might want to hate myself, but I can’t figure out why. I just know I seem to keep finding whatever new reason I can. A dog could bark at me from its yard and I’ll find a way to take it personally…”
“I don’t know if I’d go that far.” He smiled. “But I get what you’re saying. I think that’s something all of us here have in common. After all, we all must have thought the world would be better off without us…”
“What did you see in the bathtub?” She couldn’t hold it any longer.
It took a minute to find his words. “I told you very vaguely about how my family rejected me. I went a little off the deep end when that happened. I loved my family and I also hated them… and I hated what I was, and so… I didn’t so much as embrace my… sexuality… as I abused it…”
She could tell he was getting lost in his thoughts, so she forced a friendly laugh, hoping to show she wasn’t judging him. He gave her a strange look.
“You mean you were promiscuous?”
“I mean I was doing stupid, dangerous things hoping to get hurt. It was like… I don’t know, it was crazy. I was trying to prove to myself how terrible I was. I… I don’t know if I…”
He was sinking. Addie saw his face and recognized the thoughts behind it.
“If it’s too painful to talk about—”
“I asked peop
le to do things to me. Some of these men, if you could have seen the looks on their faces…” He twisted his own face into a snarl. “They looked like they were face to face with a giant slug. Then some of them obliged, of course…”
Addie didn’t know what she could say, or if there was anything to say. Honestly, she was surprised. Looking at his soft, near-angelic face, he didn’t seem capable.
“Doesn’t sound too bad,” she said. “You can be into whatever you’re into. And from what I remember, I didn’t catch you and Carter doing anything so—”
“We’d only just started,” he said. “Even he didn’t know what was coming. I just thought he looked the type…”
“The type?”
“The piercings, the tattoos. He had this attitude about him…”
Addie found herself sidetracked. “Where did you meet?”
“At a club. It was only that one night…”
Her heart lurched.
“That was the first night you met?”
That meant all those other nights, all those other excuses, the sudden emergencies or friends in need… they may have all been different.
“Oh, god…”
“What?” Bud snapped out of his dark trance. “What did I say?”
“It’s nothing. It doesn’t matter anymore, anyway.”
“Are you sure?”
“You just weren’t the only guy, is all. It’s not much of a revelation, to be honest.”
They walked a while longer without speaking. Addie was stuck on Carter again, playing past conversations over in her head, arguments, suspicions, actions or words or feelings for which she felt embarrassment. Meanwhile Bud walked alongside her in his own rigid way, the silence between them a vice grip on his nerves.
“Anyway, that’s what I saw in the tub,” he said. “It was like… this intense slideshow of those encounters, all the guilt and sick feelings balled into one long wave. Sometimes I’d see people’s faces very vividly, just looking at me. I saw my family members and their faces, judging me.”
“I wonder what the doctor expects you to gain from that.”
“I don’t know. It was powerful, though. I’m just not sure I’m better or worse for it.”
“If it’s any consolation, I don’t think any differently about you. Or, I mean… negatively. I am a little surprised, I won’t lie.”
Bud cocked his head, looked at her sideways. “Surprised how?”
“I just see you as being this timid person, is all.”
“I probably am.”
“You’re a lady in the street but a freak in the sheets?”
Bud couldn’t help but laugh. Addie was glad.
“How did your family find out, by the way? You told them?”
“My brother caught me looking at things I shouldn’t have been.”
“You mean porn?”
Bud rolled his eyes playfully. “Yeah. He never brought it up or talked to me about it after, and he became really closed off to me. I thought he was my best friend, and suddenly he wasn’t talking to me anymore so… I tried explaining it. I wanted to tell him. If I ever thought someone would accept me, it was him. But I was wrong.”
“What happened?”
“He said he didn’t want to talk about it, but I didn’t want to just act like nothing happened and when I just came out and said it, he beat the shit out of me. I got a phone call from my mom a couple days later asking me to come over for dinner. It turned out to be an intervention.”
“You’re kidding…”
“I pleaded with them, and told them I couldn’t be what they wanted, and my dad told me if that was the case, I’d better leave and never show my face again. My brother was there, and he basically chased me out of the house. Luckily I was already moved out with a roommate, so kicking me out wasn’t an option.”
“I’m so sorry…”
“It’s fine, you didn’t have anything to do with it, after all. Oh, and don’t bother feeling guilty about that night. It could have been you or any other woman or man or anyone else. I was thinking about pulling the trigger a lot sooner than that. Which, by the way… was what I did.”
“You used a gun?”
“I planned to. Nuala got to me just barely in time.”
“I’m pretty sure her timing was deliberate. She did the same for me.”
“Yeah?” He looked at her, probing for more.
“Pills. And vodka.”
“Ah.”
They grew quiet again, only this time the silence was comfortable. Several times they exchanged glances, smiling with their eyes, and Addie was filled with such a foreign sensation she wasn’t sure what to make of it.
“So…” She smirked. “How cute is Lyle?”
✽✽✽
A couple days later an envelope was delivered to the guesthouse. Joanna was the one to find it, out of bed earlier than all the others, however it was addressed solely to Bud. She got him out of bed to give it to him, eager to find out what it said. He asked to read it in private. Later, when he came out of his room, he wore a doubtful expression.
“What did it say?” Joanna asked. Addie and Lyle knew about the letter by then and waited patiently in the foyer with her.
“He wants me to come to his house tonight.”
“What for?”
Bud shook his head. “To get better acquainted, is all it said.”
“Are you nervous?” Addie asked.
Bud nodded. She nodded in return.
“I guess I would be, too.”
✽✽✽
Over the course of the day they saw Nuala twice, and bombarded her with questions about the doctor and Bud’s letter. She refused to divulge anything. She told them she knew nothing, anyway, and that the doctor had his own plans for them.
When the sun fell behind the mountains and its light turned gray to purple to dark blue over the fields, the four of them crowded around the porch of the guesthouse, watching the doctor’s house across the yard.
“The letter didn’t say when?” Joanna asked. “Only ‘tonight’? How do you know when that is?”
“Maybe any time after dark. Maybe even now, if I wanted.”
As if in response to his words, an upstairs window glowed to life. After a short moment, another window glowed beneath it by the front door.
“That’s your signal,” Joanna said.
Bud stood from the porch and took a baby’s step toward the doctor’s.
“I’m more than nervous,” he said. “I think my heart’s going to give out.”
“It’ll be fine,” Addie reassured. She stood behind him, hand on his shoulder. The others stood as well, breathless and nervous alike. Crickets sang a choir nearby. “We’ll all be waiting here for you.”
✽✽✽
After half an hour it became chilly enough to be less than comfortable and they headed in where Nuala started a fire for them.
“In case you’re wondering , I’m here to make sure their session stays private. He doesn’t need the lot of you sneaking around, listening at windows.”
“We really wouldn’t hear much, would we?” Addie asked. “You know, on account of the mouthlessness.”
Nuala smiled. “I guess not.”
But nevertheless she stayed while they waited. Several times they took turns looking through the curtains at the lit windows across the yard.
“What do they do up there?” Joanna asked.
“I wish I could say. The doctor varies his methods depending on the person. They might simply be having a conversation for all we know.”
“We know you know.” Joanna turned to Addie. “What were you and Bud talking about earlier out there? Did he tell you what he saw in the bath?”
“No,” she said. “We weren’t talking about much, really.”
Addie could tell by the look on Joanna’s face, she knew a lie when she heard one. Oh well.
A while later the front door opened and Bud came shuffling in.
“It’s getting windy out there
,” he said.
Joanna immediately jumped up from her seat before Bud could even close the door behind him. “So what happened?”
He looked at her only briefly as he took a seat at the kitchen table.
“He just asked me a lot of questions, mostly.”
“Questions about what?”
“About myself. My past. What I saw in the tub.”
“What did you see in the tub?”
“I… well…”
“Joanna,” Nuala spoke up. “I think that’s Bud’s business and his alone. It’s his treatment, after all. You’ll get your chance.”
Joanna’s face visibly drained of emotion.
“How are you feeling, Bud?” Nuala asked.
He shrugged. “Not terrible. Kind of tired, though.”
Nuala nodded. She stood and made her way to the front door.
“I don’t think it’s such a bad idea to head to bed myself. I look forward to seeing you all tomorrow.”
Once she left, Joanna started in on Bud again, questioning him about everything she could.
“Is he like Addie said? With a bag over his head? Did he type everything on his typewriter?”
“He did. I just sat on a chair next to him reading what he wrote and answering him.”
“You really won’t tell us what you talked about?”
“Well, it’s my own personal stuff. Nothing to do with anyone else. We just talked.”
Joanna, frustrated, left to her room. Lyle stayed in the foyer until he finally finished his book. He placed it in the box with the others.
“Wouldn’t mind reading some more Steinbeck,” he said. He yawned and stretched, looking between Addie and Bud, who only sat quietly on either sides of the room. “Well, I’m heading to bed, too, I guess. You two lovers can mingle in peace now.”
He gave Bud a wink as he disappeared into the hallway. After a moment, Addie left the couch and joined Bud at the table.
“Does he know?” Bud asked. “About me?”
“I don’t think so. Why?”
“Just wondering…”
Addie looked toward the hallway, hoping they were alone.
“So, were you nervous for nothing?”