by Emma Renshaw
I reported each one, explaining that they’d come from a disgruntled ex-employee and were all false. Now I had to wait and hope they were all taken down.
I slouched in my chair at the bar and picked up my wine glass, swirling the liquid around. The chatter around me was a low hum. “Sit up straight, Caroline. I taught you better than that. What is wrong with you?”
I startled, straightened my spine, and pushed my shoulders back, and I turned on the barstool to face my mother. It was another family dinner night. I’d been the first to arrive, and I’d let myself slip and relax while I waited, lost in my own thoughts. “Sorry, mother,” I muttered and stood up.. Now that my parents had arrived, we could sit at our table and wait for my sister. I followed them to our usual table, which was reserved for us, and took my place, placing my hands in my lap and sitting up straight.
I didn’t meet my mother’s eye, but I could feel every inch of her inspection as she watched me from across the table. I felt like I was under a microscope, as if every dimple and blemish was on display and she found me lacking. It was the same every week. It’d been the same my entire life. I’d never been able to measure up to my sister. I’d tried diet after diet, exercised myself to exhaustion, and I still had the curves and hourglass shape. I felt healthy. That’s not what mattered to the woman across from me. It was the size of my dress, and to her it was embarrassing.
“I’m sorry I’m late. I met the nicest man on my walk over here,” Katrina said, gracefully falling into the seat next to me. This restaurant was down the street from the office building my sister worked in. It’s why it had been chosen: it was convenient for her. It was across town for me, but that didn’t matter. And all my suggestions of finding a more central location had been batted away.
“Oh, honey, that’s so nice. What’s his name?”
“Lee. He’s a stockbroker and we have a date set for this Saturday.”
“That’s great, Kat,” I said. “I hope y’all have fun.”
“Katrina,” my mom corrected. “Her name is Katrina. Kat is a terrible nickname. Don’t reduce her beautiful name to something so pedestrian.”
I nodded once and glanced at the TV my dad was craning his neck to see. A baseball game was on the screen. “Is your team winning, Dad?”
His dark brown eyes met mine and crinkled in the corners as he smiled. “What’s that, dear?”
“Is your team winning?”
“Sure are,” he said and winked, turning his attention back to the screen. That was about all I would get out of him tonight. He’d never been as hard on me as my mom, but he also wasn’t present and never stopped her.
I sighed and picked up my wine glass, taking a sip of the red wine. “You shouldn’t be drinking wine,” my mom said. “It’s full of sugar and the red will stain your teeth. You should find a drink with fewer calories. Vodka and water perhaps.”
“Maybe I’ll try that next time.”
“How’s that whole stalker situation going? Did they know what they were getting when they looked through your camera on your laptop?” I turned my head toward my sister, feeling the flush rise up my neck and toward my cheeks. I felt like their punching bag. A knock-out punch would land against me, and I’d swing back into position for more.
After the first incident, I’d let my family know what had happened. I hadn’t told them anything else in the weeks since. “They hacked into the cameras at my office and broke into my car to leave a note and photos a couple of weeks ago.”
“You know, it’s not the cutest way to meet someone, but whoever it is might be your only option,” my sister said and laughed. When she caught the look on my face, she stopped laughing and rolled her eyes. My nose was stinging and tears were rapidly filling my eyes. I bit the inside of my cheek, determined for them not to fall. “I’m only joking. Don’t be such a crybaby.”
Each time I shed a tear, it annoyed my family. I wasn’t weak because I had emotions. I wasn’t a pushover because I was nice.
“Grant and Kevin were both very handsome,” my mom said. Neither asked if I was in danger or what the note had said; they’d both already written it off. It was what had happened the first time. They’d thought I was exaggerating and it wasn’t a serious situation. “Though they did both leave her.”
“I left Kevin,” I snapped. My ex-husband, an extremely short-lived marriage, had been a mistake. The biggest mistake I’d made in my life.
“That was a mistake,” my sister muttered under her breath. My head whipped around. My chest was rising and falling rapidly as I stared at her. How in the hell could she say that? I’d told them how he’d treated me. I’d had to file a damn restraining order after our marriage because of how he’d harassed me.
And here they were telling me that was the best I could get and it was a mistake to let an abusive partner go. I was so repulsive to the people at this table that they thought I only deserved to have someone as awful as Kevin.
Kevin fit right in with them.
Tears swarmed my eyes again, and this time I couldn’t stop them from falling. I’d spent years trying to beat away the thoughts in my head. That I wasn’t good enough, that I deserved nothing good, that I was weak, unwanted, unloved, and ugly. Fat. Terrible. Stupid. Crybaby. I’d heard it all, repeated over and over, in their voices and my own.
I cleared my throat, swiping away a tear. I tossed my napkin down on the table, manners be damned. “Have a good dinner,” I said.
“You’re so sensitive,” my mother said quietly, leaning slightly across the table. “Sit back down. We’re only having a little fun, and you have to ruin it with your tears.”
“I ruined nothing.” My voice trembled and my lower lip wobbled. “That was y’all.”
My mom and sister rolled their eyes, and my dad continued to watch the television, completely tuning out the conversation. I wouldn’t be surprised if he didn’t even notice that I’d left.
I grabbed my purse and stalked toward the bathroom. My entire body was shaking, and I could taste the metallic taste of my blood. I’d bitten the inside of my cheek too hard. I held my chin high, refusing to be the beaten-down girl hiding in the shadows anymore. A hand grabbed my arm and pulled me to a stop. I gasped and turned, fear soaking into me.
I released a breath when my gaze met jade-green eyes. “Kiernan,” I said quietly.
“What’s wrong?” He cupped the side of my face and brushed away a tear trailing down my cheek with his rough thumb.
I shook my head and laughed humorlessly. “Nothing. It’s nothing. I’m fine.”
“I don’t believe that. Did you receive another note? What happened? Talk to me, Caroline.”
I blew out a breath and waved a hand in front of my face. “No. No. Nothing like that. It’s family stuff. Weekly family dinner ending in tears. It’s nothing new. I promise I’m fine. I’m using the restroom then leaving.”
“You can’t drive like this,” he said, brushing away another tear. His voice was low and rough. He was still holding my arm, keeping me close to his body. “Please let me take you home. One of my guys is here with me. I drove him, he can follow us in your car.”
“What are you doing here?”
“A client was treating us to dinner. Let me take you home, Caroline.”
I finally nodded. Kiernan leaned into me, wrapping his arms around my waist, tugging me into his large, warm body, and kissed my forehead. “I’ll wait for you up front.”
I quickly used the restroom, washed my hands, and tried to clean up the bit of mascara that had gathered under my eyes, but with no makeup remover, it was a lost cause. I laughed without humor and shook my head, staring at myself in the mirror. My hair was straight except for one wavy strand I’d missed while straightening my hair this morning. Mascara was under my eyes along with dark circles from lack of sleep and long hours. My face was splotchy from crying. I ran my hands over my hips. Every bit of me was soft. My top fit me well, but when I turned to the side, my stomach wasn’t flat.
I didn’t turn heads when I walked down the street like my sister did. I wasn’t an expert at makeup like my mother. My flaws were so apparent, and I was reminded of them over and over again. I felt bruised and small. And I was about to get into a car with the most confident man I knew. Kiernan turned heads when he walked into a room. He had the kind of looks art was designed to capture and songs were written for.
I walked out of the restroom and to the front of the restaurant, meeting Kiernan in the lobby. His eyes tracked my every step toward him. His mouth pulled up on one side as his gaze roamed over my form, and I thought about the other day when I’d rubbed oil on him and he’d brushed a drop from my skin. I wasn’t sure what he saw when he looked at me, but the heat in his eyes didn’t scream that he was disgusted by my flaws. Under his gaze, I felt like I was truly myself. The one I saw in the mirror when I didn’t allow the other voices to sink in.
20
Kiernan
Caroline was silent the entire drive to her place. She stared out the passenger window, watching Austin pass by from the highway. Every few seconds, my gaze would land on her and her reflection in the window. The tears had long since dried by the time I pulled into her driveway. One of my men parked her car on the street before hopping into another and taking off. I got out of the truck with Caroline and placed my hand on her lower back as we climbed the steps of her porch and I waited for her to unlock the front door.
She swept through the entryway, leaving the door open for me to follow her, and went straight for the kitchen. I leaned my forearms on her kitchen island and sat on a stool as I watched her scurry around the cabinets, pulling out bowls and various ingredients. “What are you making?”
“Cookies,” Caroline answered without pausing. Harmonica hissed at Caroline as she opened the refrigerator door. Harmonica sat on top of the fridge, glaring down at her. Caroline peered up at Harmonica. “I don’t need to hear from you too, Harmonica.”
She leapt from the top of the refrigerator to the floor and circled around the barstool I was sitting on, rubbing herself against my legs. Caroline glowered at the two of us before meeting my gaze from across her kitchen. She had a carton of eggs in one hand and a stick of butter in the other. “Is everything easy for you?”
“For me or Harmonica?”
Caroline rolled her eyes. “I know everything is easy for Harmonica. She’s got it made, with treats to fill her belly every day, a warm home with a mom who loves her even though she’s rude in return, and all the toys she could want. Does everyone, including animals, always like you? And fawn over you?”
I scratched my cheek. The slight scruff was rough against my fingers as I thought about what she’d said and tried to decipher her tone. She sounded pained, but also annoyed. Exasperated. My life wasn’t a basket of puppies, but I didn’t have the shit she was dealing with either. I hated that she’d felt unwanted for even a second of her life. “What happened tonight, Caroline?”
She groaned and dropped the butter onto the counter, but she set the eggs down more gently as she started to measure. A plume of flour rose from the bag when she opened it, and she pursed her lips, dropping the flour into a large red mixing bowl. “My mom and sister are perfect. They’re beautiful and—”
I cut her off. “You’re beautiful.”
She shook her head and snorted, glancing up at me for a moment. Her eyes were bloodshot, and her lips tilted up on one side in a sad, dejected, and mocking smile. “Not like them. They turn heads when they walk into a room, and they are classically beautiful. The kind of beauty no one could dispute. I’m…” She gestured to herself and shook her head, brushing a strand of hair away from her face with the back of her wrist.
“Beautiful,” I finished for her.
Her hands shook as she poured the sugar into the mixing bowl, and her chin wobbled. It was taking all my strength to remain on this side of the island. I wanted to stomp around her, wrap her up, and kiss her until she believed me. But if that happened right now, I’d never know the full extent of what had happened tonight. She was trusting me right now, and I didn’t want to fuck it all up.
“Kiernan,” she whispered. “You don’t get it. You can walk into a room and every single person pays attention. I walk into a room and someone will sit on me because they don’t even notice I’m there. For me, it’s been that way my entire life. And don’t argue. You didn’t even know I was alive back in high school, and we had classes together. I try so hard to be put together and look presentable. It comes naturally to my family. It was drilled into me early that I’m unsightly unless my face is fully made up and my hair is perfectly in order.”
My hand curled into a fist, and I leaned across the island, reaching out to her. I put a finger under her chin and brought her eyes to mine. “I was an idiot back then. A stupid kid trying to hide all of his own shit. I notice you. If you walk into a room, it doesn’t matter who is there, all my attention is on you. Only you. You could never be invisible, and anyone who thinks so doesn’t deserve to even be around you. I see you, Caroline.”
She bit her lip, pulling her chin away from my touch, and mixed the dough while keeping her eyes firmly away from mine. “What happened tonight?” I asked again.
“My ex-husband was the worst mistake of my life. I met him at a truly low point for me, and he was the first man to give me attention. I was flattered that this insanely attractive man paid attention to me. I was so desperate for the attention he provided me that I married him without thinking about it, but he didn’t treat me well. So I left him and he couldn’t stand that. He hated that his ‘fat wife’…” Caroline rolled her eyes and used air quotes around that phrase. “Had walked out on him.”
I growled low in my throat. I loved every inch of her curves, and she wasn’t fat. Even if she were, that wasn’t a way to treat a person.
“That’s when I got the restraining order. He went over the deep end and wanted to get back at me for leaving him and remind me that I’d never have anyone better. That I would regret that mistake for the rest of my life.”
She laughed softly, pouring some chocolate chips into the dough. Stopped and looked into the bowl before pouring more. I smiled and swiped one of the chocolate chips from the pile. “Even if I was alone and only had Harmonica, or another animal, for the rest of my life, it’d be way better than being with him. But my family told me tonight that I made a mistake leaving him and I’ll never find another attractive man interested in me again.”
“They’re idiots,” I said. I didn’t want to offend her by insulting her family, but what in the hell couldn’t they see when they saw Caroline? I shook my head. “I’m sorry you had to go through that. Any man would be lucky to be with you.”
Caroline turned on the oven and prepared a baking sheet. She stayed silent for a moment. Her cheeks were flushed, and she kept scrunching her nose like she was holding off tears. “Did you check into Kevin?”
I gritted my teeth. I’d started checking into him the first time she’d come into the office, when she’d told me she had an active restraining order. She’d been sure it wouldn’t be him, but often it’s someone the person knows. I wasn’t sure if she knew about his new life or not, but I was afraid to tell her. Worried about how she’d feel and that the news would hurt her.
“I did,” I hedged.
“And?” she asked, placing the last cookie on the baking sheet and giving me her full attention.
“I don’t think he’s the one stalking you. I haven’t ruled him out, but I can confidently say I don’t think it’s him. For one, he doesn’t live in Austin anymore.”
“What?” Caroline asked. Her eyes grew rounder, and her brows arched. So she definitely didn’t keep tabs on him.
“He’s in Houston. He’s married and has a kid on the way. Your restraining order was for four years and will expire in about a year. If this truly isn’t him and he hasn’t attempted to contact you, it won’t be renewed.”
Caroline nodded, licking her lips, and stared a
t the island counter. She traced one of the veins in the marble with her finger and whispered to herself, “Married? With a kid?” Then she started laughing.
Laughter was not the response I had expected. It wasn’t filled with happiness or humor. It was laughter in disbelief. “I’ve had two serious relationships in my life. Both of those men told me they didn’t want children, and I was going to sacrifice that dream for both of them. But they just didn’t want children with me. Kevin’s new wife is probably beautiful,” she muttered quietly and placed the cookies inside the oven, setting the timer.
I stalked around the counter and framed her face between my hands. Her deep, rich brown eyes looked back and forth between mine as I drank in every single one of her features with my gaze. Her cheeks were pink and her pouty lips were parted. Dark lashes framed her eyes. There were so many hues of brown and golden tones in her irises. My breath hitched from staring at her face. I hated that she’d ever felt anything less than completely desirable, but I was damn thankful those fools had let her go. They’d thrown away something rare and precious for something common. “Stop that. Whatever negative thoughts are racing through your mind about yourself. Stop. Just fucking stop. You’re beautiful. Goddammit. You’re so much more than beautiful, I don’t have the fucking words to describe it.”
I closed my eyes for a second, shaking my head, searching my mind for a way to describe the way I saw her and the way it felt to look at her. How she trapped me with a single look and I’d never be tired of watching her. “Most people hate the rain and pray for the sun to come, but have you ever noticed what it looks like when the sun has already broken through the clouds but rain is still coming down?” I didn’t wait for her answer, but tightened my grip on her, threading my fingers through her satin-like hair, and stared into her eyes fiercely. “It’s fucking beautiful. The rain is brighter and shines under the sun’s rays. Each drop glimmers. It rarely happens, but when it does, it’s a showstopper. Stops me in my damn tracks every time. That’s you for me.”