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Page 5
Or he just has a type! Everyone has a type!
Yeah, and yours seems to be scumbags
That’s not fair!
I like a lot of great guys!
They just don’t like me back.
Fair.
I think I’m the only person who doesn’t have a type.
Yes you do!
Unavailable.
We know each other too well.
I prefer anonymity.
Too late! I’ve seen you poop.
FOR THE LAST TIME THAT IS NOT THE DEFINITION OF INTIMACY.
It is for me!
9:32 PM
Are you going to tell me what happened with Ben last night?
Because I’m not going to ask.
I’ll just make super perverted assumptions.
No! Your imagination is too wild!
I’ll email you.
REGARDING THE SCUM
Ava Helmer
9/26/19
to Gen
In my defense, if Ben is only pretending to like me he is a good actor. Like good enough to have a sitcom based on his stand-up that isn’t canceled after one season. (So Ray Romano not John Mulaney. Even though I love John and would give a non-vital body part away to be with him.)
We went right back to his place after work. I think I was tense or something (I was visibly tense) because he didn’t make any sort of move and instead ordered pizza and frozen yogurt. I didn’t even know you could order frozen yogurt! New York is the best!
After twenty minutes of scrolling through Netflix, we finally landed on that Leslye Headland movie Sleeping with Other People. It was sooooo good. And underrrated. Critics inherently hate rom-coms regardless of quality (a rant for another day).
I kept waiting for him to “make a move” but he didn’t. One time I thought he was going to stroke my head but he was just reaching for a glass. (I love it when people stroke my head. It feels better than penetration.)
Around 8:30 I finally caved and kissed him and that’s how we got to heterosexual third base. (ORAL.) He went down on me for like forty minutes before I told him I don’t know how to orgasm. (MORTIFYING.) He took it really well, once he clarified I had never orgasmed with anyone and not just never orgasmed with him. He made a sweet joke about enjoying the ride and I giggled. I went to “return the favor” and he said I didn’t need to. He was down to just cuddle.
WHAT IS GOING ON! IS THIS A CON! I AM BEING CONNED, RIGHT?
Don’t answer that. Ignorance is bliss when it comes to scumbags with great hair.
11:45 PM
You think he has great hair?
Weird.
WORK WORK WORK WORK WORK
Gen Goldman
9/27/19
to Ava
I’ve found an intern! His name is Cash (yes, that’s his actual name) and he’s a student at Jacksonville University majoring in computer science. He is very tall and skinny and wears what I can only assume is the same denim jacket every day. (It’s full of holes.) He knows a lot about web design and can help me actually build this website. To be clear, I am not paying him in anything other than life experience and college credit.
I don’t want to toot my own horn but I’m going to be an incredible boss. He starts on Monday and I told him it was okay to be late. I can already tell after our brief interview that he sees me as a mentor and confidante. Also, it’s very fun to run an interview. Here are some of the best questions I asked him in the parking lot because my desk is too small for two people.
1) Rate how much you respect authority on a 1–5 scale.
2) Rate your emotional intelligence on a 1–5 scale.
3) Who is your favorite Beatle and why? Be careful. There is a wrong answer.
4) What was your first impression of me and how has it changed in the last five minutes?
Really kept him on his toes!
Also, I’m pretty sure Cash is gay but too afraid to come out. So I’ll be able to help guide him on that journey as well. Maybe the whole reason I’m in Florida is to help college students explore their sexualities??? If that’s not a memoir in the making, I don’t know what is!
Gen Goldman,
Cash Something’s Boss
3:42 PM
I can’t believe they let you have an intern!
They didn’t let me.…
I found one and then told Grady about it.
And he doesn’t care?
Not if he’s working for free!
Ah. The American dream.
How many people did you interview?
I already told you.
Cash.
hahahah
Was he the only one who applied?
He was the right fit for the job.
He was also the only one who applied.
Kismet!
Now I can focus on reporting.
I need to go out and be with the people.
Sniff out what they’re not telling me.
I’ve heard Jacksonville has a great zoo if you want to do an article about that.
What is with you and zoos?
I love animals!
I just wish they loved me back …
That was one dog, Ava! Get over it!
10:32 PM
I’m making great strides with Tabby.
11:27 PM
That’s great!
What are you doing?
Out.
But it’s so late!
Who r u
Sat, Sep 28, 1:23 AM
How do people not realize Hannibal is a cannibal????
2:12 AM
They just figured it out.
Way too late.
Everyone is dead.
3:27 AM
When do you think you’ll die?
My guess is 87 for you.
52 for me.
I should go to bed.
9:42 AM
Thank you for this disturbing morning reading.
I am growing increasingly concerned about your mental health and Hannibal obsession.
THEY’RE ONE AND THE SAME.
A BOY NAMED DANA
Ava Helmer
9/28/19
to Gen
I think Dana hates me now. But like in a very passive-aggressive way. I told him all about my lunch with Halona because I thought we were friends and roommates who wanted to support each other.… He didn’t say anything other than “cool.” And then asked if I wanted to split an Xbox??? I don’t know how to use an Xbox but I said sure because I suddenly felt very worried about the state of our relationship. So now I’m out $150 and I’ll probably have to find a new roommate.
I don’t get it. It’s not like the lunch went well and I’m suddenly Halona’s golden child. If that was the case, I would understand the weirdness/jealousy (and it wouldn’t even bother me because I’d be Halona’s golden child). But this feels petty. And mean. Maybe he knows about Ben? Should I tell him about Ben? What is going on with Ben?
Having Dana give me the cold shoulder makes me realize how much I depend on him. I don’t really have any friends here other than the other interns. And if they turn on me, I might have to reach out to Grabby Igor who is working in finance somewhere downtown. (I ran into him this summer. He’s actually not grabby anymore but it’s too good a nickname to let go. I assume that’s why everyone called me Anxious Ava for so long. Even though that’s not nearly as clever.)
UGGGGHHHHH
Why can’t things be easy???
Anxious Ava
2:35 PM
I hate to break this to you but your life IS easy.
????
You’re working an unpaid internship in the best city while your parents support your pizza habit.
Well when you put it that way!
I sound like a spoiled brat!
Who is also sleeping with her boss.
I need to find a therapist ASAP.
I can’t believe I agreed to the Xbox
.
SECRET UNDERBELLY OF FERNANDINA BEACH
Gen Goldman
9/29/19
to Ava
Last night I went out on the town to buy a pint of ice cream and wallow in my celibacy. It was supposed to be a real quick in and out job. 7-Eleven accepts Apple Pay so I didn’t even need my wallet. But then my bleeding heart led me astray. And by that I mean I started talking to a homeless person. The following is a recorded interview, on the record, from Lyle Rainbow, 24(?), about his life on the streets as a gay man.
Lyle: Can I get something to eat?
Reporter: I don’t have my wallet.
Lyle: How are you going to buy anything?
(pause)
Reporter: What do you want?
Lyle: One of those hot dogs and some chips.
Reporter: You got it!
(Reporter returns with food.)
Lyle: Aw, sweet! Ice cream.
Reporter: No, that is for me.
Lyle: That’s fine. It’s not like I have a freezer.
(Starts to rain.)
Lyle: Fuck.
Reporter: Are you going to go to a shelter?
Lyle: (snorting) I can’t.
Reporter: Why?
Asking “why?” is the simplest tool in a reporter’s tool kit. A “why?” can unlock kingdoms, break barriers, overthrow tyrants. The best thing you can do as a journalist is keep asking people “why?” Please note, this can also backfire and cause you to lose the story. Use “why?” wisely.
Luckily, this time, it did NOT backfire. And instead, opened a floodgate of homophobia, hypocrisy and discrimination. Apparently the largest (and only) homeless shelter in the area does not allow LGBTQ occupants unless they are participating in conversion therapy. (Not so) big reveal: it’s run by a church. Apparently Open All Doors congregation has a strict close-some-doors policy.
I AM GOING TO BURN THIS PLACE TO THE GROUND! Or at least publicly shame them into changing their policy. I’m going to talk to Grady about this first thing in the morning and if he doesn’t let me pursue it I’m quitting.
Okay, I have to run. Lyle wants breakfast.
THIS DAY WE FIGHT!
(That’s from The Lord of Rings. I wanted to save you the google.)
G
10:43 AM
What do you mean “Lyle wants breakfast”???
Did you let a homeless man sleep in your studio apartment??
I think you’re getting the wrong impression of Lyle.
He’s very cool.
Why is he homeless?
Drugs. And his parents won’t help him because of the gay thing.
What kind of drugs????
Purple Drank.
That’s a bad one!
I was kidding. I didn’t ask. But he’s clean now I think. He just has nowhere to go.
Because of the fucking do-good Christians and their hypocrisy.
I’m very proud of you for standing up for a just cause, but I also think you should ask him to leave and change your locks.
JUST TO BE SAFE
No one is safe in this economy.
I’ll have Open All Doors pray for you.
DOUBLE LIFE
Ava Helmer
9/29/19
to Gen
Just got back from dinner with my secret boyfriend. That’s right. Ben is officially my boyfriend. I’m just not allowed to tell anyone.
I know what you’re thinking. Why does it need to be a secret? Is he ashamed of me? Is he secretly married? Has my chemical imbalance shifted into schizophrenia and he’s a figment of my imagination?
I thought all of that too. But Ben provided me with a much better reason: office politics. If the other interns find out I’m dating the (adorable) boss, I’ll have a target on my back. Plus it’s technically against the rules. And you know how much I hate breaking the rules! So we’ve agreed to keep it on the hush-hush until my internship is over. And if I somehow end up being full-time we will deal with it then.
How did all of this happen? Thanks for asking! I was bumming around my apartment, looking for therapists in-network, when Ben called and told me to come to a bar a few blocks from my apartment for trivia night with his friends. That’s right! I met his friends. Or at least three of them!
This was a very high-stakes event for me because I am horrible at trivia but I am even worse at losing. I kept having to tell myself that I still have value even though I don’t seem able to recall any American history. (This might be for the best because America has done some fucked-up stuff!)
Ben crushed trivia by the way. I’ve never been more “turnt up.” (Is that the right expression? Please advise.) He knew everything! Sports! Music! Movies! Sports! I was enamored. And so was the waitress. But he mostly ignored her BECAUSE I’M HIS GIRLFRIEND.
Wow. I have never had to keep a secret before. Or I have, but I have failed to keep it. It’s burning a hole inside of my esophagus (or maybe that was the turkey chili). HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO STAY CALM? I’M JUST SUPPOSED TO GO INTO WORK TOMORROW AND NOT ANNOUNCE I’M IN A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE OVER 5′10″???
I am not strong enough. This is never going to work.
Is that homeless man still sleeping in your apartment?
A
11:23 PM
Ava.
Yes?
Do you think “turnt” means turned on?
11:34 PM
Ava.
Answer the question.
LEAVE ME ALONE
hahahahahahahaha
Brb while I group email our entire high school.
Like you still have their contact info.
Shit.
TAKING THEM DOWN FROM THE INSIDE
Gen Goldman
9/30/19
to Ava
Today I prepared for battle. I wore my most “sensible/straight” outfit and bought half a dozen jelly donuts. I brushed my hair and thought of nice things to say about fishing. (“Oh, wow! You really caught that fish with a hook!”) I was prepared to be shot down and I was prepared to fight anyway. I even kicked in Grady’s door with my foot to prove I was serious.
Things did not go as planned. Instead of confronting a 250-pound mound of skepticism and disinterest, Grady immediately took to my story and urged me to investigate further. I think it helps that Open All Doors is a Methodist congregation and Grady is a “loosely” practicing Presbyterian. (Apparently Methodists are backwards and Presbyterians have much bigger hearts. Who knew! I thought they were all bad!)
He wants a more official interview from Lyle Rainbow and any of his persecuted friends. He also wanted me to speak with the head of the shelter but I offered him one better. I proposed going undercover as a gay woman with nowhere to go (which is eerily close to the truth). I’d secretly record the interaction and expose them for the haters they truly are. (The official policy is “a warm bed for anyone who needs to lay their head.” Yeah, right.)
I can’t believe he’s on board. Things are really turning around in the swamp.
How’s Day 1 of your double life? Have you blown the whole thing yet? I’m assuming even the security guard knows by now.
G
Re: TAKING THEM DOWN FROM THE INSIDE
Ava Helmer
9/30/19
to Gen
Go Grady! Go Grady! Go Grady!
This is such great news! Who knew bringing down the Methodists would be Grady’s holy grail! You should pretend everything you’re investigating has to do with the Methodists from now on!
When are you going to go undercover? What are you going to wear? Please don’t use this as an excuse to not shower. I hope you still shower!
It’s almost lunchtime and I have yet to spill the beans. Things are slightly better with me and Dana so I really don’t want to jeopardize that. Full disclosure: I have been bribing him with pastries.
Ben is doing that “ignoring me thing” again but
this time I don’t care because we’ve defined the relationship as in we have an actual relationship. My parents are coming to visit in like two weeks. Do you think he will want to meet them? Or will that be too soon? It’s really important to me that he meets them. Why? Probably something to do with the media? (I like to blame all my problems on “the media.” It’s extra biting because as an intern for Mind the Gap with Halona McBride I am officially part of the problem. Which is the media. If that wasn’t clear.)
Okay, I’m spazzing out. Halona is on a rampage this morning so everyone is on edge. She claims to be mad about gun control but everyone thinks she’s just hungover from a late night with her new illicit lover. (The rumor mill is out of control over here. Apparently some girl in accounting is the bastard daughter of Bill Gates? Although I think she might have started that one for attention. It’s pretty boring over in accounting.)
In brighter news, there’s going to be an on-air segment featuring an intern in tomorrow’s show. A really quick on and off spot. But now everyone is freaking out and submitting their acting reels to Ben. (Why do they all have acting reels? Unclear.) I told Ben not to consider me because I don’t want to get any special treatment. He said I was underqualified anyway. (He was joking. I think.)
It’s actually a relief that I have no interest in performing. It’s one less thing to fail at!
Oh! I’ve been meaning to ask you! Do I need to learn to cook or can I just get by without knowing how for the rest of my life?
I eagerly await your enlightened opinion.
A
4:32 PM
You don’t need to know how to cook.
But you should learn how to survive a zombie apocalypse.
Yeah right.
Why would I want to survive that?
Sounds awful.
Fine. At least learn how to heat up ramen.