by Gaby Dunn
I managed to kick the salmon into the bathroom and now she’s trapped! She has no choice but to love and fear me. Is this how most of your relationships start?
I’m going to try to get her to a vet if she ever calms down. I’m hoping they’ll cover the charges since I have saved an innocent feline from a life on the streets!
My arm is bleeding again.
LOVE YOU!
G
4:21 PM
Gen!
You have to go to a doctor!
?
Feral cats are full of diseases. ESPECIALLY if they scratch you.
Says who?
Common sense!
And 5/5 doctors!
I think I’m fine.
The skin isn’t that raised. It’s just bubbling.
GEN!
Don’t worry! I cut my arm off already so it won’t spread.
STOP THIS
Meow!
Oh no! I turned into a rabid cat!
Meow!
I don’t think cats can have rabies. That’s just dogs and raccoons.
Why do you know so much about cats???
Just go to a doctor okay?
Fine. But it’ll cost you.
Happy to pay!
9:12 PM
Hello, Ava.
Hello …
I’ve heard a lot about you.
Who is this?
You know who this is.
Oh no.
Tabby?
What did you do to Gen?
Don’t worry about it.
She’s just one big hairball now.
That’s disgusting, Tabby.
Meow.
Mon, Oct 7, 6:45 AM
Please be awake.
I’m freaking out.
I have to see Ben.
He was gone all weekend and now I have to see him and I want to throw up.
Is this why you’re not supposed to date coworkers?
WAKE UP, TABBY!
8:12 AM
I’m awake!!
Am I too late?!
Have you self-destructed?
9:03 AM
Still alive.
Barely.
What happened??
Too crazy right now. Will write later.
Okay.
So far none of my coworkers have realized I’m now possessed by a cat.
So much for sniffing out a good story!
DON’T YELL AT ME
Ava Helmer
10/7/19
to Gen
Ben and I are still together, okay? I’m not proud. I’m not happy. I’m full of shame.
At the same time, I think this is the right decision. At least for now. Please bear with me for my opening argument:
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury: the day started out like any other. Ava Helmer arrived at work fifteen minutes before everyone else due to a chemical imbalance in her brain. She spent the time wiping down her desk area and contemplating a life of loneliness. Perhaps she would get a dog? Or a friendly hedgehog. Right in the middle of a quill-filled daydream, Ava’s direct superior and current lover, Ben, entered from behind. To clarify, he did not enter her from behind. He entered the room from behind, causing her to shriek with alarm.
After a brief laugh, Ava turned her back on him, ostensibly to return to work (although as an unpaid intern, she had very little work to do), but he immediately caught on to her ragged disposition. He demanded to know the source of her “bad attitude” and “bitchiness.” To clarify, she was not a bitch. Her actions were bitchy. Both Ava and Ben confirm the latter to be true.
Ava proceeded to inform Ben about her conversation with Mr. Dana and the accusations regarding Ben’s past behavior. Ben did not seem at all surprised by the allegations and remained calm and collected. He conceded two past relationships with subordinates but said they were purely sexual in nature and did not hold the emotional weight of his current engagement. He urged Ava not to engage in office gossip. That was one of the main reasons they had decided not to tell anyone of their relationship. Ava apologized and relayed the series of unfortunate events that caused Dana to find out about the affair. Ben forgave her right before the two were interrupted by other colleagues demanding a coffee run.
In conclusion, Ava is a pussy. But she is a pussy in love. She not so eagerly awaits the verdict.
I rest my case,
Ava Helmer, Esq.
5:13 PM
Never waste your money on law school.
Why not? Because I’m innately talented at it?
No.
Opposite.
How did this conversation end with YOU apologizing to HIM?
I said I wouldn’t tell anyone and now Dana knows …
Who gives a fuck!
He should be begging for your forgiveness, not manipulating himself into the role of the victim.
Do you want to go to law school?
No.
They can’t handle my truth!
Finally a reference I understand!
He’s gaslighting you, Ava.
Full disclosure.
I have never totally understood that term.
manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity.- MW
Oh I don’t think he did that.
I’ve never presumed to be sane.
YOU’RE MISSING THE POINT
I know. It’s called deflecting.
Speaking of, how’s your undercover story?
IT’S GOING REALLY WELL SO STOP ASKING
I have to go. I love you!
Where?
Where???????????????
I’m gonna send Tabby to find you.
11:35 PM
I’m very disappointed in you.
Sssh. I’m trying to sleep.
Where????
SINCE YOU ASKED …
Gen Goldman
10/8/19
to Ava
Here is a link to the story: www.fbcennential.com/open-all-doors-homophobia
It also ran in print today but it looks better on the website because Cash actually knows what he’s doing! So far there are five comments, mostly about my author photo. I’m gonna try to get it picked up by bigger LGBT outlets.…
I asked Open All Doors for a response but they didn’t want to give one, which is great. I love a “no comment.” Makes them seem guilty AF. I’m interviewing Lyle Rainbow tomorrow for his profile. In the meantime I’ll be sending flirty texts to Coralee and wondering when this schmuck in N.Y. is going to break my best friend’s heart. My guess is next Thursday. Wanna put money on it?
In brighter news, Tabby has significantly warmed up to me and didn’t make a break for it when I opened the door this morning. She either feels at home or has given up completely. Either way, I’ll take it! I have an appointment with a low-cost vet later today. Going to have to try to catch her in a trash bag since those carrier things are mad expensive. Gonna try to make Coralee come with me since she has a paw tattoo on her wrist so she must be some kind of animal lover.
Kittens and hoes,
GEN
2:32 PM
You’re joking about the trash bag right?
Gen, you can’t put a cat in a trash bag.
6:12 PM
Wow. You were right about the trash bag thing.
If Tabby has a disease, I now definitely have it too.
Good thing I always steal Band-Aids!
7:07 PM
Turns out, I do NOT have what Tabby is carrying.
Because it’s roughly 3 to 5 kittens.
She’s pregnant?????
Big time!
I’m gonna be a grandma!
Hate to be the voice of reason here but … Is it too late to abort?
Ava! This is my legacy we’re talking about!
Who else is going to carry on the family name?
I’m gonna name them all Gen.
I can’t believe for a brief moment in time, I was
the irresponsible one.
Hey! I didn’t get knocked up! Tabby did.
And it’s not like she’s still dating the guy.
I don’t tolerate emotional abuse in my home.
Had enough of that my entire childhood.
Yeah. Your home life was v sad.
I strive to do better for my children!
8:32 PM
I forgot to congratulate you on the article!!
It was great!
Hey, thanks!
But it’s all about the children now.
Oy vey.
VIRAL (IN THE GOOD WAY)
Gen Goldman
10/9/19
to Ava
The article is a hit! Multiple media outlets have reposted or quoted it. It’s officially the highlight of my professional career. I’m clearly flourishing in my isolation. Florida is my new natural habitat. Humidity is cleansing! The constant threat of a gator attack is thrilling! Our governor is probably only homophobic as a bit! (That last one is probably too optimistic.)
Grady says I can put a rush on my profile of Lyle Rainbow for publication on Friday. I’m gonna meet with him tonight on the beach. He camps out there with friends. Grady asked if I wanted Beau to accompany me for “protection” but I think most people want to fight Beau so it wouldn’t be a good idea. I am going to bring Tabby if I can get her into this harness I bought. It’s not good to leave a pregnant woman alone.
What if I somehow bring down the entire Christian institution? That would be a great legacy. Probably the highest of honors since saints won’t exist anymore …
How is your HUMP DAY treating you?
G
Re: VIRAL (IN THE GOOD WAY)
Ava Helmer
10/9/19
to Gen
Oh my god!! This is huge!! I just saw someone from USC share the link on FB. She doesn’t even know I know you! Am I famous now? Wow! This is such a rush! No wonder people want to be successful!
Speaking of famous, successful people … Halona took up meditation over the weekend and has completely transformed. (If you believe anything that comes out of her mouth.) I saw her sitting cross-legged in her office a few minutes ago with her eyes open but rolled back? Looked a lot more like she was possessed than enlightened but what do I know! I’m actively lying to my mental health professional!
In case you haven’t been keeping vigilant track of my social calendar, my parents are coming this weekend. Ben wants to meet them. And I’m not just projecting that desire because I want it to be true. He’s the one who brought it up! He thinks we should all grab dinner Friday and see a matinee on Sunday. I am very excited. So excited that I won’t even listen when you tell me this is a bad idea.
Here’s why I won’t listen:
1) I’m trying to “live in the moment” and “embrace happiness” before we all inevitably die. Potentially in a nuclear fallout.
2) My parents are happy someone (anyone) is spending time with me. Will they like Ben? Of course not. He’s old and my boss and also a bit arrogant if we’re being honest. But he is alive and no one is paying him to stick around.
3) What is the point of your twenties if not to make mistakes? Seriously. I’m asking. If you can provide me with other points, maybe I will change my behavior because right now all I’m doing is getting coffee and forming short-term relationships.
4) I’ve never done drugs. (So I’m allowed to do this, right?)
Maybe I should take a page from Halona’s pamphlet and try meditating. JK, my mind is too wild to tame! I wish I could get these thoughts on lock! (This is my first time using the term “on lock.” Does it work for me? I almost deleted it.)
Anyway, I’m very excited to see my parents and have them ask all about you like they always do. I’m sure my mom will text you about the article if she hasn’t already. She spends way too much time on social media.
LOVE YOU PROUD OF YOU WANT TO KISS YOU,
A
4:52 PM
GUESS WHO JUST TEXTED ME
Called it!
What?
I told you my mom would text you!
OHHH
Yeah. She did.
But guess who ELSE texted me.
The one and only D.C. wunderkind Alex Cassidy. [YouTube link to the music video for “Return of the Mack”]
Alex Cassidy of Alex and Gen??
One and the same. Although based on how little we talk it sounds like he’s rebranded.
What did he say???
He sent me a link TO MY OWN ARTICLE and wrote “congrats.”
Like does he think I don’t know about my own article???
Why did he send me the link??????
Who knows! He behaves in strange and mysterious ways!
There’s also the chance that he still doesn’t know how the internet works.
Ugh.
He’s like a 45-year-old grandpa.
I miss him.
What are you going to write back?
I’ll let you know. Probably won’t respond for a few days.
OH HOW I’VE MISSED THESE GAMES
You know he isn’t actually playing games with you, right?
Who cares as long as I win!
HANGING WITH THE HOMIES
Gen Goldman
10/10/19
to Ava
Next time we are together we have to rewatch Clueless. ICONIC.
Putting my profile of Lyle together right now. You’re never going to believe this but his real name isn’t LYLE RAINBOW. His given name is Mike Scanlon and he’s from Minnesota. He renamed himself after his parents threw him out. He found his way to Florida since he loves warm weather and thought people on the coasts would be more accepting. (I think he forgot Florida is a red state.)
The most fucked-up thing is that he actually started working for Open All Doors as a youth ambassador until they found out he was gay and kicked him to the curb like day-old cronuts. (I would eat a week-old cronut for the record.)
We talked for over three hours so now I have to somehow navigate my way through all of the audio. Maybe Grady will let us turn the Centennial into a biography of Lyle Rainbow. (There is no way for me to fact-check any of this stuff by Friday BTW. Whoops! I guess I’ll have to believe Lyle that he got the ass whooping of the century outside a Duluth Taco Bell.)
In other news, I texted Alex “Thanx” around 11:30 last night and we got into an hour debate about the importance of upholding grammar in all communication. HOW DID I EVER DATE THAT GUY? And then date him again. And then again. We have a real Ross and Rachel thing going on but we’re both Ross. Gross.
Should I try to sleep with Coralee tonight? I think so too. Byeeeee!
G
4:15 PM
Do you have access to a television?
Ha!
No.
But I do have access to all of my exes’ Hulu accounts.
One of my jokes is gonna be on the show tonight!
WHAT
HOW
WHAT IS IT
I made a joke about that state senator who used his GoFundMe to buy a nicer house and one of the writers overheard it, pitched it in the room and then GAVE ME CREDIT
So everyone knows it’s my joke!
Holy shit. I can’t believe a writer gave someone else credit.
I KNOW
I’m freaking out!
Is Ben happy?
Um … I think he’s happy but a little miffed.
Y? Has he never gotten a joke on-air?
Correct.
Ugh. Men.
It’s not a men thing! It’s a people thing!
Lacie “bumped” me in the bathroom. I don’t think it was an accident.
Weird. I don’t think I experience jealousy.
FALSE!
You don’t experience ROMANTIC jealousy.
But you do experience PROFESSIONAL jealousy.
How so?
I don’t h
ave enough time to tell you.
I’m not a jealous person.
You’re certainly a DELUSIONAL person.
And soon to be grandmother of 3 to 5 cats!
We’re both growing a lot.
THE FRAGILITY OF THE MALE EGO AND OTHER OCCURRENCES
Ava Helmer
10/10/19
to Gen
Pardon my subject line, but I’m a bit riled! Ben and I were supposed to grab dinner tonight, and once I found out about my joke getting on the show, I suggested somewhere “$$” instead of “$” on OpenTable. Ben played dumb to our existing plans and told me he couldn’t do dinner because he had a stand-up show. At 9PM. Who eats at 9PM in AMERICA? I’m not a Spanish lover for god’s sake.
When I suggested getting a quick dinner before the show, he went off on a tirade about my lack of support for his comedy career. He is trying to MAKE something of himself and he would never have gotten into a relationship if he thought I would hold him back from accomplishing his dreams. Do I want him to resent me? Do I?
WOW! It was sort of thrilling to not be the one overreacting for once. I had a bit of an out-of-body experience while he was yelling at me. In public. Like, whoa, no wonder people think I’m crazy. You can’t just shout as an adult and get away with it! That’s insane!
After he calmed down, I tried to gently inform him that I am not a wicked witch set out to sabotage his dreams of a half-hour Comedy Central special. I was simply asking him to get dinner before his show, which I would like to attend.
Flash forward to me at home alone right now, because I was banned from attending the show. He appreciated my interest but doesn’t want to be distracted by our “bad vibes.” It’s fine. Dana and I are gonna watch Halona say my words as her own in an hour.