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I think Ben might suck … Does Ben suck?
A
11:14 PM
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
THAT’S A GOOD JOKE
Thank you:)!!!
You should write more jokes.
Good idea!
Also, Ben sucks.
When will the clip go up? I want to retweet it every day until I die.
hahahaha tomorrow
Perfect
Ben sucks.
Fri, Oct 11, 10:42 AM
I turned another one!
Is this Tabby?
Or have you converted a girl to the dark side?
Hey! Homosexuality is not the dark side!
And it’s also not something you can turn someone onto!
Gotcha at your own game!
Fuck.
So what happened??
Details to come.
I have to go cover some Little League upset.
The Barracuda Blues might win this whole thing!
I can’t relate to your life anymore.
Me neither.
GIRLS LIKE BOYS (AND GIRLS)
Gen Goldman
10/11/19
to Ava
Ah, where to begin? Let me settle into my futon and wax poetic about my own art of seduction. It’s a tale as old as Netflix and Chill. After some flirty banter via SMS (because Coralee has a Samsung), the young lady arrived at my very humble abode bearing gifts (wine coolers) and bare skin (jean shorts cutoffs).
Within minutes, we were making out. (I think she had partaken in one or two coolers before arriving.) When I went to take off my pants she started giggling. This was clearly her first below-the-belt same-sex encounter. I asked if she wanted me to stop and in response she took off her pants.
EVERYONE IS GAY! OKAY! WE’RE ALL GAY!*
After I went down on her (SORRY TO BE SO GRAPHIC), she went to the bathroom to pee. Orgasms always make her pee, I guess. (I gave her an orgasm in case that wasn’t extremely clear!) When she came back to bed with her pants BACK ON I knew the fun was over. That’s okay. She has the rest of her young life to return the favor. And I also have a very powerful vibrator. (AGAIN, APOLOGIES FOR THE GRAPHIC DETAILS. JUST TRY TO BREATHE.)
I wanted her to spend the night, but she had to work in the morning. What does she do? No clue. Forgot to ask. It didn’t really occur to me that she exists outside of our warped time together … Thinking about her doing mundane things like going to the bank or grocery shopping doesn’t really add up …
Yes, she is a manic pixie dream girl. But isn’t it time the queers got one of those too???
HOW ARE YOUR PARENTS????
If they are reading this email over your shoulder, please see all my apologies for the graphic but necessary details. It’s my job as a journalist to disclose the whole truth and nothing but the truth. So help me, Kesha. (Kesha is God.)
GENEVIEVE GOLDMAN, Love Witch
*I know you’re not gay. Exception to the rule proves the rule.
Re: GIRLS LIKE BOYS (AND GIRLS)
Ava Helmer
10/12/19
to Gen
Ahhh this is all very exciting except the part where she didn’t return the favor! I didn’t even know you were allowed to do that! Equal rights are crazy.
Will write back more after this weekend! The parents are all fired up and ready to sightsee. Ben has been with us pretty much the whole time. I think my parents actually like him??? I think he’s been on best behavior since the stand-up show “incident.” Whatever the reason, I’ll take it!
G2G SEE N.Y.C. BRB XOXO
A
7:32 PM
Has your dad told any good jokes?
I love your dad’s jokes.
He bought a sound machine.
????
It’s a little box with all these sounds and he keeps using it in public.
What kind of sounds????
Farts.
Throw up.
Bomb explosion.
hahahahahaha
Love it.
The public does not.
Sun, Oct 13, 10:12 AM
Tabby bit me but I think I deserved it.
1:37 PM
What are you guys doing?????
6:47 PM
Cool. Cool.
Me too.
Mon, Oct 14, 9:12 AM
AHHH I’m sorry.
My parents took over my every waking moment!
They just left for the airport.
GEN!
I’m sorry!!!
OK.
Please don’t punish me!
I’m not punishing you. But I did some bad things because you left me to my own devices for an entire weekend.
Oh, no.
How bad?
I booked a plane ticket for D.C.
RUNNING FOR CONGRESS BAD???
Ha! I’ve missed our banter.
I’m going to visit Alex.
Whyyyyyyy
He makes you sad!
I have to feel something!
It’s so hot down here my whole body is numb!
That can’t be true!
Please get a physical.
Like I would trust a Florida doctor!
IT HAPPENED ONE WEEKEND
Ava Helmer
10/14/19
to Gen
Dearest Genevieve,
Let me take this moment to reiterate my deepest apologies regarding my absence this weekend. As previously texted, my mother and father were QUITE demanding of my time and energy. I don’t know if you remember this, but they are a HOOT! My mom has started doing barre classes and insisted on keeping up her stamina despite the trip, ergo, we all had to go to a barre class. That’s right! Me, my mom, my dad AND Ben. My dad wore jeans. So just take a moment to think about my dad in a barre class WEARING JEANS. Afterwards he kept bragging about how easy it was, but that’s because he couldn’t do any of it!
Ben was a real trooper. And not just while sweating next to my inflexible parents. He was with us ALL weekend. He showed us around and we went to one of his shows. He mentioned his GIRLFRIEND in his set. It wasn’t an actual story about me (he reused it from an old relationship) but at least he’s publicly acknowledging his lack of singleness!
He and my dad got along great because he has a basic knowledge of baseball. My mom was more reserved but I think she’s hung up on the whole “he’s my boss” thing because she’s a 1970’s second-wave feminist so she looks down on using your sexuality to get ahead. Very old-school thinking. (Are you proud of my ability to dissect feminism? College was worth it!)
They kept asking about you BTW. My mom loved your Open All Doors piece and she read Lyle’s profile before I did! She pointed out a few potential discrepancies in his story. Why she did not become an editor I will never know.
Anyway, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been! This can’t last, right? Something really bad is coming? Do you think it’s going to be a natural disaster? I would feel so guilty if I caused a natural disaster!
LOVE AND FAMILIA,
AVA
P.S. Have you talked to your parents at all? My mom asked and I didn’t know the answer.… EMBARRASSING! Clearly failing on my best-friend inquiries. I vow to do better!
Re: IT HAPPENED ONE WEEKEND
Gen Goldman
10/14/19
to Ava
Your dad went to a barre class in jeans??? Ken! What a trendsetter! I’m only wearing jeans to work out now in solidarity (good thing I don’t work out). I can’t believe you didn’t document this with a photo or at least a Boomerang! I love Boomerangs!
Sounds like a pretty PG weekend. You must have been in hog heaven! (I say things like hog heaven now because of the South.) I too had a rather PG weekend but not for lack of trying. Alex refuses to sext with me because of the NSA. The NSA doesn’t care if we sext!! It is so annoying being in love with an aspiring politician. What’s the poi
nt of living if you don’t get caught in some sort of lurid sex scandal?
Turns out Alex is just as bored and lonely in D.C. as I am in gator town. He didn’t admit that, of course, because that would imply self-awareness and emotional intelligence. But it’s pretty obvious he hasn’t clicked with any of the other assistants. It’s probably due to his off-putting personality. Man, do I love a nut that’s hard to crack. TBH I’ve never met a nut I don’t love. Take that as you will.
Feeling a bit of scoop withdrawal this morning. I want to expand the Open All Doors investigation, but I don’t really know where to go from here. Maybe I’ll reach out to some local politicians. Get them to publicly condemn the policy. A girl can dream …
I leave for D.C. in T-minus four days. Do you think I will stick out now that I exclusively wear Hawaiian shirts??
GODSPEED,
G
4:27 PM
Excuse me.
Si?
You dodged my P.S. about your parental units.
Gen can’t come to the phone right now, she is investigating what a local bear did during the hours of 2 and 5 AM.
What? Why?
Because a campsite got ruined and Gen needs to get to the bottom of it!
Stop referring to yourself in the third person!
I think the bear lost his lover to a bigger bear and was eating his sorrows.
We’ve all been there.
So you haven’t talked to them at all?
The bears? No. Not yet.
You have to talk to your parents, Gen.
Y?
Eh. Good point.
Tell your parents to adopt me and I’ll talk to them constantly.
On it!
WARNING: PARANOIA
Ava Helmer
10/15/19
to Gen
Hello,
It’s me, Ava. I’m standing on the edge of an emotional cliff, asking you to stop me from jumping. What is making me want to jump, you ask? A sneaking suspicion that everything I thought about Ben is not true and he is about to leave me for someone else.
What evidence do I have? None. Except my gut. And we all know how powerful a tool my weak Jewish stomach is.
A BRIEF HISTORY OF AVA’S GUT
1) Fourth grade. Everyone in my class wanted to get into that guy’s van. I didn’t. Luckily the teachers intervened and that man was arrested.
2) Seventh grade. I didn’t go to Katie Lippert’s sleepover because I thought something bad would happen. Something bad DID happen. Lucy Forlini went into anaphylactic shock. True, no one else was harmed. But a lot of those girls had minor PTSD from seeing their friend suffocating.
3) All of high school. I knew Principal Weaver was a bad guy. BOOM. Pedophile. Called it. (Not the pedophilia per se but the general creepiness.)
4) Three summers ago. I tried to warn you that that girl was two-timing you. You told me you were also two-timing her so it was fine. But then … She had a secret kid! You didn’t know about the secret kid, did you?? No. You didn’t! BOOM.
5) Kevin Spacey.
Per above, I think we can agree that my suspicions about Ben are most likely true and I should prepare myself for the inevitable mental breakdown. Good thing I have therapy tonight! Maybe I can just check myself into the psych ward now and save us all some time.
OH GOD WHY?
A
3:18 PM
Where are you?
In hell.
Where are you physically?
In the intern cubicle.
You guys have to share a cubicle? Aren’t there like ten of you?
Are you trying to make me feel worse????
No! Sorry!
What is going on?
Nothing. I just have a feeling.
He’s being cold.
Aren’t you at work?
Maybe he just has work to do?
LIKE WHAT??? HOOK UP WITH ANOTHER INTERN???
Ava, nothing has happened.
You forgot to include all the times your gut was WRONG in that email.
Name one time!
Tom Hanks.
It just hasn’t come out yet! No one is that nice!
When is therapy?
7.
Promise me you won’t do anything rash before then.
Define rash.
An eruption or efflorescence on the skin.
Too late! I have hives all over my neck.
Damn.
Send pic.
I’M CURED!
Ava Helmer
10/15/19
to Gen
Just kidding. Mental illness is a lifestyle, baby! You’re in it for LYFE! Unless it’s postpartum depression. That’s pretty time-period specific. Although I’m not sure if the effects ever fully go away. That will be a good thing to look up when I can’t sleep later.
Dr. Grimm talked me down from the ledge. We realized that what I’m most scared about isn’t losing Ben but losing my balance. I’ve been doing so well since I’ve moved to New York and a (large) part of me feels like it’s too good to be true. It’s almost like I have imposter syndrome for just living a normal life. Like I’m not wired to be happy so something must be terribly wrong? Ben is the most unexpected part of my new life so it makes sense that I don’t trust it. She encouraged me to keep my fears and anxieties to myself instead of trying to solve or catch something. I have to give him space to be a person and show me who he really is.
NY therapists are GOOD! Despite NYU’s suicide rates (very high).
Dana and I are off to see a late movie! Look at me missing my self-imposed curfew like a normal young adult! I’m a real girl! (I meant that as a reference to Pinocchio in case it mistakenly reads as transphobic.)
LOVE YOU TO THE LGBT CENTER AND BACK! (Do they even have those in Florida?)
A
11:35 PM
Dr. Grimm for the win!
What movie did you see?
Were there any queer characters?
It was a kids’ movie …
SO!
SO!!
I have to go to sleep.
But I’m bored!
Write a think piece.
About the underrepresentation of queer characters in children’s media?
ON IT!
AND THE PLOT THICKENS
Gen Goldman
10/16/19
to Ava
It’s finally happened. After only a little over a month at The Fernandina Beach Centennial I have made my first enemy! Took longer than normal. Although I suspect I was just slow on the uptake and he has been plotting my demise for weeks!
Who shall try to cross me? None other than the heir to the throne! Beau Adams of House Adams. Editor-in-Chief Grady’s pride and joy! I shall defeat you! House Goldman might have tarred its name with scandal upon scandal but we are nothing if not scrappy! A Goldman never pays her debts but she does ruin her enemies with slander!
What has Beau Adams of House Adams done? Why, he’s stifled a story! And not just any story about water-balloon fights or egg-slinging bandits, but the greatest story of the last ten years! (Collusion with Russia notwithstanding.) He has put the kibosh on any additional Open All Doors coverage! And to what end? To push his competition for heir out of the way!
But seriously, he totally went behind my back and got in Grady’s ear. He convinced him that too many advertisers are congregants of the church and we shouldn’t press our luck. So I’m not allowed to ask any congressmen or local officials about it.
What the actual fuck, Beau? You’re a goddamn copy editor who can barely spell! Don’t come at me with business advice. He’s clearly pissed that his father likes me more than him. It’s not my fault everyone likes me! I have an air of defiance. People are naturally drawn to that.
LONG PATHETIC STORY SHORT, I am now going to make it my life’s mission to get Beau fired from his father’s paper. That’s right! I’m ripping the American family apart just
like they thought the homosexuals would!
My plan of attack: self-destruction. Let him build his own grave. And then I’ll give him a friendly push. MAN! I miss having an enemy. Really gets the blood going.
I thought about bringing Cash (unpaid, closeted intern) on board but I don’t think I should involve him in office politics. Aren’t you proud? I’m being so mature about this whole thing!
Winter Is Coming,
Genevieve of House Goldman
Re: AND THE PLOT THICKENS
Ava Helmer
10/16/19
to Gen
Wow. A lot of Game of Throne references. I think I understood most of them. (HOW DO YOU TELL ALL THE STARKS APART??? I SURE CAN’T!)
I’m glad your “blood is boiling” again but maybe you should wait a few months before attempting to take down the “heir to the throne.” Although it is really annoying that you have to drop the story. My mom will be especially disappointed.
Things are a lot less passive-aggressive and more overtly aggressive over here in the entertainment industry. One of our segment producers just got fired for stealing some kid’s format from YouTube. (Dressing kids up as adults to try to buy guns.) People magazine happened to be doing a feature on Halona so she made a big speech about plagiarism and not stealing “from the youth.” I’m pretty sure that YouTube channel is run by like, middle-aged ex-SNL writers, but you know, digital. It’s for the kids!
The big takeaway here is that I might appear in the background of a People magazine photo spread, cowering in the corner and carrying a tray of muffins. FAME HAS CHANGED ME!
The other takeaway is a segment producer job is up for grabs, which means another, more attainable position might open if they hire from within. Everyone thinks it’s gonna go to this junior producer, Shayna. Shayna used to be an intern … So you know what that means! Fight to the death! Or they hire someone more experienced from the outside and everything stays the same. TBD.*