by Gaby Dunn
Yes, I named my kittens after the most famous Hollywood threesome of all time. Would you really expect any less?
Cat birth is gross!! A lot of mucus. I think I might just throw out my clothes instead of attempting to wash them. Maybe this is a sign to reinvent my style. What do you think about Bohemian Rocker? I just invented it. I think it might be the new health goth. (Black athleisure wear.)
How are you doing? Do you want me to bike up the coast with my new brood so you can pick a kitty? I think Paul Newman could really bring a calming presence to your life …
I BOUGHT A ZOO!
Dr. Genlittle
7:42 PM
Kittens!!
When one life ends, three others begin!
Staaaahp!
Do you need to take them to the vet?
They seem fine!
Cats have been having cats for millennia!
Right? When did mammals start?
I don’t know.
I went to film school.
Did you talk to your parents yet?
I left a message.
What the hell are they doing??
Obviously not sitting around waiting for your phone call!
Rude.
How long ago did you call? They might be pooping.
BOTH OF THEM??
I think if you live together long enough you sync up.
Go care for your cats.
My legacy lives on!
MY FATHER MY MOTHER MY HERO
Ava Helmer
10/29/19
to Gen
Wow. Out of all the insane things that have happened this week (getting herpes, you giving birth to kittens) I think the phone call I just had with my parents takes the cake????
I don’t know what I expected but it certainly wasn’t this:
*phone rings and rings and rings … *
MOM: Hello??
AVA: Where have you been?!
MOM: We went to the movies! Have you seen—
AVA: I haven’t seen any movies!
MOM: Any? Now that can’t be true—
AVA: Is Dad there?
MOM: You know, I think I lost him at the theater—
DAD: Is that my favorite daughter?
MOM: Oh! I found him!
DAD: I didn’t know I was missing!
*parents laugh together, still happy and in love*
AVA: I have some bad news.
DAD: Uh-oh.
MOM: Are you pregnant?
AVA: No. That would be less permanent.
DAD: Oh, no. You got a tattoo, didn’t you?
MOM: Ava! We’ve talked about this! You said you wouldn’t get one until we both die!
AVA: I didn’t get a tattoo!
AVA: I got herpes.
*long, deafening silence*
AVA: Hello?
DAD: Hello.
MOM: Sorry. Are you sure? You’ve been to a doctor?
AVA: I went yesterday. They have to get the blood work back but the doctor said it was definitely genital herpes.
DAD: Well without the blood work—
AVA: I HAVE HERPES, DAD! OKAY! I HAVE HERPES!
DAD: But without—
MOM: She has herpes, Ken!
DAD: Okay, okay.
MOM: How are you doing? Do you want me to come out there?
AVA: Why? To yell at me for being a stupid slut?
MOM: Ava, no. You’re not a slut!
DAD: We don’t know that for sure—
MOM: KEN!
DAD: I’m just saying! We don’t know what she’s been up to. I’m not mad.
MOM: Do you know how you … uh … got it?
DAD: I’m assuming from sex.
MOM: KEN!
AVA: I don’t know. It could have been dormant for years.
MOM: I bet Ben gave it to you. He looks like he’s been around the block a few times.
DAD: What about that Dutch guy? They’re real wild and loose over there.
AVA: I don’t know who gave me herpes, I just know that I have it and my life is over.
MOM: Aw, honey. Your life isn’t over.
DAD: I know a guy at the club who has had HIV for at least twenty years. Really good tennis player—
MOM: She doesn’t have HIV. Do you?
AVA: Who knows!
*loud sobs from one end of the phone*
MOM: Sssh. It’s okay. I know this is scary but it’s just like a cold sore. It’s not dangerous.
AVA: It’s disgusting!
MOM: How bad is it? Are you in pain?
AVA: Yes.
DAD: Have you taken something? You should take something.
AVA: Are you mad at me?
MOM: Why would we be mad at you? This is life. Life happens!
*increased sobbing*
CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?
Life happens????
I thought they would be FURIOUS! And ashamed and disappointed. I mean they probably are all of those things on some level but they’re not showing it. At least not to me.
My mom kept offering to come out “just to visit,” i.e. “make sure you don’t off yourself” but I told her I’d be okay. I think telling them was my biggest fear about this whole thing. (Other than, you know, never being able to have a romantic relationship ever again.)
I feel a crazy sense of relief. If only my vagina would stop burning!
A
Wed, Oct 30, 8:37 AM
KEN AND RUTH FOR THE WIN!
Man, I love those guys!
Ha! Me too.
I woke up to like five links about herpes from my dad.
What about herpes??
Oh, you know. How prevalent it is. The best medications. And then one heartwarming story about how a middle-age divorcée reclaimed her life after contracting the disease.
Aww! I wanna read that one! I love when older women reclaim their lives!
She reclaimed it by finding Jesus. I don’t think my dad read the full article.
Fuck. Never mind.
I’m glad you’re feeling better!
I WAS feeling better.
Uh-oh. What now? The clap?
I forgot I have to tell every guy I’ve ever been with that I have herpes!
That’s not true!
You just have to work backwards until you find the guy that gave YOU herpes.
Should we make bets?
No.
I vote Marcos.
I never slept with Marcos!
YOU slept with Marcos!
Oh, right! That was a crazy summer!
SPOOKY SCARY
Gen Goldman
10/30/19
to Ava
… Hey! Wanna rewatch all of 30 Rock at the same time?
I can’t believe Halloween is coming up and I don’t even have my costumes! I think I’m going to go with some sort of theme this year so my costume changes make more sense to everyone. Maybe something political? Or famous cats throughout history!
Tabby and her babies are doing great! I’m so glad I invited a homeless man into my home to take care of them. Lyle/Beulah managed to delay meeting Beau IRL by saying “her” cat had kittens so “she” needs to stay home and take care of them. Beau apparently found this excuse heartwarming and “sexy as all hell.” EEP! So gross.
The only problem in this brilliant move is Lyle forgot to tell me about it so I bounded into work today shouting about my brand-new kittens. Beau looked at me funny before drawling, “What a coincidence. My lady’s cat just had kittens too.”
I swear to Evan Rachel Wood (aka God), I thought I was caught. But then I realized he GENUINELY THOUGHT it was a coincidence. Bless that man and his simple heart. The only sizeable downside is I now can’t show anyone at the office my grandchildren because Lyle already sent Beau photos. Although maybe he wouldn’t even notice … If you’ve seen one cat you’ve seen them all. JUST KIDDING! Paul, James and Eartha are unique unicorns who are too good for this earth(a).
&nb
sp; Do you think they are too young to wear costumes? Only reply if your answer is no. I refuse to listen to reason on this subject!
GEN, the mad cat-ter
Re: SPOOKY SCARY!
Ava Helmer
10/30/19
to Gen
That’s it. I am putting my foot down. Beulah has to break up with Beau. It’s the only ethical option. This poor man needs to get on Match.com. Or maybe you can give him one of the cats! He is clearly very lonely.
I almost did a very bad thing at work today but then Dana stopped me. He must have overheard my phone call with my parents last night, specifically when I was shouting, “I HAVE HERPES.” So when I made a beeline towards Ben’s desk he intercepted me. He steered me into the stairwell and advised I “wait until the weekend” to discuss … you know.
This was a very reasonable and smart suggestion. So, naturally, I immediately started crying. Why can’t I control my crying? I see all these other people, just walking around, harboring who knows what, and they’re not crying! Should I stop drinking so much water??
After getting snot on Dana’s new bomber jacket, we decided I would show up unannounced at his place this weekend. Dana thinks Ben would do anything to avoid a face-to-face confrontation if he knows it’s coming. Looks like we’re going to have ourselves an old-fashioned stakeout! Unless he’s already home.
I support any and all human costumes but I will report you to PETA if you try to stuff those little guys into a bodysuit.
Still crying a little!
Ava
P.S. My dad won’t stop sending me articles about herpes. I don’t want to imagine what his search history looks like right now.
6:13 PM
I have good news and bad news.
Pass.
I can’t take any more bad news.
Okay, I’ll start with the good news.
You’re not respecting my boundaries …
Beau is preschool BFFs with the mayor’s chief of staff!
Is that the good news or the bad news?
Good! He has an in to the heart of the city!
And he’s going to set me up with an interview to discuss Open All Doors.
That’s great!!!
What a change of heart!
Exactly! Which leads me to the bad news …
Beulah and Beau can’t break up.
At least not anytime in the near future.
GEN!
Why is this so bad??? Who am I hurting????
Beau is happier than ever! And Beulah is really coming into her own as a fictional character.
Oh please! You’re only doing this for your own personal gain.
Well, yeah! That part was obvious!
I have a family to feed after all!
Fancy Feast doesn’t buy itself!
I’m signing off from this conversation in an effort to focus on self-care.
We’ll miss you!
WHAT IS THE OPPOSITE OF MERCURY IN RETROGRADE
Gen Goldman
10/31/19
to Ava
Because things are really coming up Goldman! All of the children are happy and healthy, Beau has had a personality transplant and Coralee just invited me to a haunted house party tomorrow night. Her boyfriend’s motorcycle club is throwing it as some fund-raiser. For what exactly? I think just another party? Who cares! Time is a flat circle! And I love haunted houses!
I’m going to have to up my costume game given the circumstances of meeting the boy-toy. Is RuPaul too on the nose? I won’t have done my job if I don’t make most of the bikers uncomfortable. Not to get ahead of myself but this is pretty much an invitation to a threesome, right? Like how else could this possibly end? Maybe in unjust police violence but that’s always on the table down here (and everywhere).
Oh! My dad called yesterday. He must have remembered he has two daughters and not just the one. I didn’t answer. If you don’t care enough to leave a message, I’m not obligated to call back. Them’s the rules!
How you doing? I don’t want to jinx it but part of me thought you would have flown home or checked yourself into an institution by now (not that you can’t still do that). I’m very proud of how well you appear to be holding it together. Maybe the herpes has made you stronger???? It could be like your spider bite! (That’s a reference to Spider-Man. I know your superhero knowledge is a bit lacking. Still reeling about you thinking Chris Pine was Captain America in Wonder Woman.…)
I have to say this Dana guy seems to be a good Gen understudy. Maybe he’s my soul mate. OR maybe he’s YOUR soul mate. I can’t believe you haven’t at least kissed yet! I kiss all of my roommates at least once. Lyle and I kissed on his second night here! It was way too wet and platonic.
YOU GUYS SHOULD DO A COUPLE’S COSTUME! I CAN HELP!
I am very good at costumes and also having sex with couples!
Gen
P.S. If you can’t tell, it’s 9:25 and I’m already on my third cup of coffee. I also ate some Skittles. When was the last time you had Skittles? TASTE THE RAINBOW*
*This email was not sponsored by Skittles. I swear.
Re: WHAT IS THE OPPOSITE OF MERCURY IN RETROGRADE
Ava Helmer
10/31/19
to Gen
I don’t want to sound like an “old fart” here, but there is the SLIGHTEST of possibilities that you have just been invited to a party and not to a costumed threesome. And you can’t accuse me of being a naive prude anymore because I’m the only one in this friendship with an incurable STI! I don’t think it’s given me superpowers but it’s definitely given me street cred, right? RIGHT????
You never told me you kissed Lyle!! How did that even happen? And why is he still living with you???
You’re joking about me and Dana? I think the possibility of him “like-liking” me is pretty much ZERO. Do you know how difficult I am to live with? I created chore charts! CHORE CHARTS! No one likes those! I didn’t even like myself while I made them! I think he is just a really good guy who (luckily) finds my misery amusing and maybe a bit endearing. There is no way he sees me as anything other than an inept little sister (even though I’m two months older). If I tried to start anything, he would laugh in my face. Not to mention my venereal disease! If there was ever a chance for something more, my open sores have certainly closed that door. Why would you even suggest such a thing? It’s ridiculous!
I have to go. Halona wants every intern to present a possible field piece and I have to go figure out if I have any interests or ambitions left. I also have to go get someone’s suitcase they “forgot” at JFK. Which means I have to take a taxi all the way to JFK to pick up what I can only assume is a bomb! Why else would you “forget” your suitcase? Unless you are so fucking rich you can lose a bunch of clothes and not notice? Except they did notice because they are sending me to get it …
In case you couldn’t tell, I’m in a bad mood. I blame the absence of Skittles.
4:12 PM
Methinks thou dost protest too much!
Re: Dana!
4:44 PM
Oh, no!
Was the suitcase a bomb?!
4:57 PM
I don’t know who to sue about this but I know I’m going to sue someone!
5:16 PM
Crisis averted! It was not a bomb!
I repeat, the suitcase was not a bomb!
Whew! I was about to get your lawyer of a dad on the horn!
Sorry for the scare. I was fighting with TSA.
Oooo! I love fighting with TSA!
Did they try to give you an unnecessary body search?
For picking up a suitcase?
They’ll use any excuse to search you! Those perverts!
My body did not get searched. But my dignity was destroyed.
Apparently you need “proper ID” to claim an abandoned item.
Something no one told me.
How did you get the bag??
&
nbsp; I cried.
Ah! The power of a woman’s tears!
That’s what the guy said!
Fri, Nov 1, 7:13 AM
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!!
I don’t think you have ever been up this early before.
Also, it’s not Halloween.
It’s Halloween WEEKEND!
IT’S THE SAME THING, HEATHEN!
I hate Halloween.
I find costumes stressful and annoying.
Are you trying to break up with me???
Because it’s working.
I don’t want to get out of bed.
Uh-oh!
What’s going on?
Depression. Anxiety. A general malaise.
*Hello darkness my old frienddddddd*
There is also painful throbbing in my genitals.
Fuck! Are the meds not working?
It takes like 7 to 10 days.
Just long enough to fully hate yourself.
That can’t be true!
You already hated yourself!
No! I was on the upswing!
And now I’m in the sewer system with that scary clown.
Which scary clown?
You know which one.
I know but do YOU?
IT!
You mean Pennywise?
Is this payback for my Halloween comment? Or do you actually want me to kill myself?
When is your next therapy appointment?
I don’t know. She’s been out of town.
What?! Therapists can’t go out of town!
Anyone can go out of town. Unless you’re released on bail.
Go eat some breakfast, grouchy.
Fine.
I wish I was the kind of depressive who lost their appetite.
Why not just wish you weren’t a depressive?
STOP PUTTING YOUR UNREALISTIC STANDARDS ON ME AND MY SON
Maybe have some coffee too.
HALLOWEEN IS RUINED
Gen Goldman
11/2/19
to Ava
I can’t believe I even have the emotional energy to write this right now. It must be the rage coursing through my body. Where do I begin?! I suppose with the beginning of time and internalized misogyny? Actually, fuck it. I don’t care enough to give a crash course on why the patriarchy has ruined yet another young life.