by Gaby Dunn
I know. I’m deflecting. But I’m not sure if I have the strength to write down what actually happened. It kept me up all night. It’s the only thing I could see when I closed my eyes. It’s the only thing I can see now. AND MY EYES ARE OPEN.
Am I being primed to become some sort of religious messiah? Is that why I am being tested like this? Because if that’s the case, I’m not interested.
The real trouble started when we were back home and I started to head off to my bedroom.
DANA: You’re going to bed already? It’s Saturday night!
I mistakenly took this to mean a few different things:
1) Dana loves hanging out with me. He literally can’t get enough.
2) Saturday night is clearly a euphemism for something.
Neither of those things proved to be true. I think he just didn’t want to go to bed yet and I was the only one around. HINDSIGHT and BASIC SOCIAL SKILLS would have really come in handy here.
Anyway, I had neither so I went and joined him on the couch. We started watching Ali G because he is cool and hip like that and then our legs touched. He did not move his leg away. I immediately misread this as love.
A minute or two later, we both cracked up at the same thing and made eye contact. Then, being the pathetic, moronic, excuse of a human being that I am, I TRIED TO KISS HIM! LIKE LIFE IS SOME FUN PASTTIME I GET TO BE A PART OF!
He dodged. And he dodged HARD. I’ve always thought it was strange when someone said they got kissed “out of nowhere.” Wouldn’t you be able to avoid a kiss if you didn’t want to be kissed? The answer is yes. Yes, you can. And Dana’s not even an athlete.
A normal person would have taken this to mean: HE DOESN’T WANT TO KISS YOU. But I am so delusional I actually thought, “Maybe I just did that wrong” so I went in AGAIN! He had to block me with his elbow! Friends who want to be more than friends don’t give each other the elbow!
I am honestly shaking just thinking about it. I could maybe, MAYBE, recover if I had just gone in once. But, no. I went in TWICE. It’s just too much shame to handle. I’m at a new low. I spilled tea all over myself on the way to this sticky table and I didn’t even bother to try to clean it up. That’s who I am now. A tea-covered, herpes-infected, unpaid intern who can’t show her face in her own home. I might have a third-degree burn under my bralette. But it’s hard to tell because I can only feel emotional pain now.
After Dana gave me the elbow, I jumped up and started rambling.
AVA: Sorry. I’m sorry. I thought. Gen. I’m so sorry—
DANA: Hey, it’s okay. It’s just not really a good idea.
AVA: Because of the herpes?
DANA: Because we’re friends.
Seriously??? Can you think of a more hurtful reason?!!! I even gave him an out! Blame the herpes! It’s not personal! I wouldn’t want to get herpes either if I didn’t already have it. Instead, the idea of being with me physically was so revolting, he had to claim “friendship”? Like guys ever give a shit about friendship. If a straight guy wants to sleep with you, they sleep with you! Everyone knows that! They basically teach it to you in kindergarten!
Am I so repulsive that the very idea of kissing me makes him resort to his (brief) martial arts background? (I think he took karate as a kid. Who didn’t?)
He wanted me to stay so we could “talk about it” and not “make things weird” but I was on the verge of tears, which would only make things weirder so I ran away to my room, claiming fatigue and shouting, “Everything is fine! Let’s just forget about it!”
As you can now see, I have no choice but to legally change my name and flee the country.
Good-bye forever,
Leena (testing that out as my new fake name)
Re: NOWHERE TO RUN, NOWHERE TO HIDE
Gen Goldman
11/10/19
to Ava
Dear Leena (the girl formerly known as Ava),
Holy fuck. That sucks. He elbowed you in the face? Or he just put his elbow in front of his face? Either way. BRUTAL.
I totally understand why you are feeling the way you are feeling. But I do think it’s important to point out one thing. Most kids don’t do karate. Some kids? Sure. But definitely not most or all.
A second, equally important thing I’d like to say. I AM SO FUCKING PROUD OF YOU! You went for it! You put yourself out there! It didn’t go “great” but you are still out there experiencing the highs and lows of being alive. This time it just happened to be a very low low. That’s okay! It’s all part of the ride!
I also think you assume you’ve done more damage than you have. Dana seems like a pretty chill dude. This is not the first time in history someone has tried to kiss a friend and it didn’t go well. If that was enough to end friendships, I wouldn’t have any!
You should take a bit more time to calm down and then go back and face him. I know the easier solution would be to move out or hide when he’s home, but you’re better than that. You own (rent) half of that living room! Never forget that!
Please keep me updated as the situation develops. And maybe see a doctor about your tea burn.
LOVE YOU LEENA!
GENA (my new fake name)
3:12 PM
You think I can just waltz back in and act like nothing happened?
I mean, you manage to work with the guy who gave you herpes so … yes?
What do I even say to him?
I would start with hi.
Or maybe a head nod.
That is the craziest thing I have ever heard.
WHY ARE SOME PEOPLE SO MATURE …
Ava Helmer
11/10/19
to Gen
And why are some people me? Instead of listening to your advice, I was in the middle of negotiating a hotel stay using my parents’ Starwood points without having to tell them I wanted to use their Starwood points, when I got a text from Dana.
DANA: Stop avoiding me and come home.
DANA: I need you to show me how to use the oven.
I don’t know how to use the oven, but I do know an olive branch when it’s texted to me. So I tucked my very damp and sweaty tail between my legs and headed back to the apartment. I flung open the door and declared, “I have no idea how to use the oven. I have never cooked anything in my life.”
Dana laughed and told me to google it while he futzed and thirty-five minutes later we split a Digiorno pizza and talked like adults about “what happened.”
I don’t understand. Dana is only two months younger than me but infinitely wiser. How is that possible? Are some people just gifted with rational brains the way others are given gorgeous profiles or impeccable math skills? I think if I could wish for one thing it would be a balanced brain. Or maybe a better profile. Depends on the day!
Long, mature conversation short, Dana admitted that he had also contemplated the idea of us being more than friends but ultimately decided it wasn’t worth the risk. We live together, work together and get along great: as friends. Plus, if we had some undeniable sexual chemistry, wouldn’t something have happened between us already?
This was an interesting argument. He was basically suggesting that if our “romantic” feelings for each other were strong enough to risk the friendship, sex (or something physical) would have already happened. Since sex hadn’t already happened, I was probably confusing platonic feelings of love and affection with romantic feelings of love and affection simply because of convenience and close quarters.
I continue to have NO IDEA if this is true or complete bullshit but it made me reexamine things. Maybe I don’t have romantic feelings for Dana. Maybe he is just a good friend and confidant and I have never had one of those with male parts before. So I got confused? Or maybe I do have feelings for him, but it doesn’t mean they will last. Either way, he isn’t going to abruptly leave my life like Ben or any of the other guys I’ve expressed feelings for. And that feels special. Even if it’s platonic special.
Wow.
AM I GROWING UP? Probably not. But at least my hives are gone. Did I mention I got hives, which was a redness separate from the tea burn?
Life is life!
Ava-Leena
10:12 PM
Fuck yassss
??
You 2 made up
I guess we were never really in a fight haha, I just freaked out.
makess senseeee
Are you drunk? Or is the cat typing?
Si
It’s Sunday night!
You have work tomorrow!
Y DO U THINK I DRINK
EVERYONE SUX
Gen Goldman
11/11/19
to Ava
I hate this job. I hate Florida. And I hate hangovers. But not as much as I hate Florida.
I showed up to work ON TIME and with one of the best articles I have ever written. That’s right. Instead of rushing into Grady’s office on Thursday afternoon and demanding he publish a bare-bones transcript of my interview with the mayor, I spent THREE FULL DAYS thinking about what the most effective approach to this material would be. (Well, maybe not three FULL days because I did have that epic threesome/brawl.) But I put a lot of work into this and turned it into somewhat of an op-ed about politicians’ reluctance to vocally take a side about controversial situations even though their actions reveal how they truly feel. In this case, a refusal to offer support and shelter to the homeless LGBTQ community. It was enlightened, impassioned and, some might say, evocative.
Grady barely skimmed it and then actually said, out loud: “Pass.”
Are you fucking kidding me? What sixty-something man says “Pass” out loud?? Does he think he is a judge on American Idol?
Apparently, he “doesn’t think he is a judge on American Idol” but thinks I need “to focus on actual news and not forcing my personal agenda.”
My “personal agenda” is justice and equality for all! I’m sorry if that gets in the way of … Actually I have no idea what this could get in the way of, other than someone else’s personal agenda. If that agenda is bigotry and inequality.
Grady did not like my attack on his character and sent me home for the day to “rest” since I was “clearly not in any position to do my job.”
I think he thought I was on my period! And he could get rid of the problem with a nap and some Midol? WHAT YEAR IS THIS?!
I stormed out of his office, resisting the urge to throw another lamp (hard habit to break) and sped home, crying. Like someone who is actually on their period.
What am I doing here? What am I doing with my life? I bet if I snoop around Grady’s office I would find the story of a lifetime. Or at least Grady’s lifetime. There is no way that man is clean. Maybe if I take him down they will put someone with a moral compass in charge. Or just shut down this pathetic excuse for a paper.
I’m gonna go burn off some steam at GOTCHA. Here’s hoping Coralee isn’t there to stick another hole in my gaping metaphorical wound.
Can I bring cats to bars? Don’t bother to answer that. I’m gonna give it a try.
G
2:32 PM
Gen, please tell me you did not bring your cats to a bar.
Come on. Of course not.
I just brought Tabby.
The kittens are too young to travel.
How many drinks have you had?
58!
No.
85!
Is anyone with you?
I just told you! Tabby!
What’s Lyle’s number? I think he should come get you.
Lyle doesn’t have a phone.
How does he message Beau all day?
Magic!
Gen. It’s 2:30 and you’re wasted.
Pshhh. I am fine.
Stop worrying.
You have enough to worry about
???
You’re always complaining about something!
Text me when you’re home.
Okay MOM
4:15 PM
Where are you?
5:47 PM
Asleep.
I know. I found Lyle on Facebook.
8:32 PM
Don’t be mad at meeee
I’m not mad.
I’m scared.
Tabby is fine! She’s a party animal.
Pun intended as always.
Let’s just talk in the morning.
Get some sleep.
UGHHHHHHHHHHH
TWO IDEAS AND A LITTLE LADY
Ava Helmer
11/12/19
to Gen
Did you ever see that movie Three Men and a Baby? Or the follow-up, Three Men and a Little Lady? Neither have I. But I still know both titles by heart as well as have a basic idea of what the posters look like. Why is my brain filled with this useless knowledge instead of brilliant ideas for field pieces to pitch to Halona?
Our ideas are due end of this week.
So far I have:
1) Animals? Why do we love them?
That’s it. One of the segment hosts would go visit an animal shelter and try to figure out why we love animals so much without getting distracted by their own overwhelming love of animals.
Maybe I am not meant for late-night television …
I think it’s pretty obvious my idea isn’t gonna get picked and I won’t even blame Halona’s internalized sexism as the culprit. I’m strangely okay with not getting picked. I hope this is due to maturity and not depression. But I’m not really in a position to be picky either way …
I’m feeling more creative when it comes to the YouTube channel. Dana and I have finally decided on our first video: “Why It’s Great to Have Herpes—A Satire.”
That’s right! I’m going public with this (horrible) thing! You were right. I can’t keep secrets. Whenever I feel like I have to keep something to myself, a small part of my soul starts to scream: “Tell everyone! Stand up on the subway and tell EVERYONE!” So, to prevent this from happening, I’m going to release this “shameful” information the best way I know how: by making it funny.
I pitched the idea as a joke to Dana during a brainstorming session, but he clung onto it and convinced me it was a great idea. It will be really simple, right-to-camera stuff. Basically a parody of a vlog. He’s gonna borrow a camera and we’re gonna shoot tonight. I have to figure out what to wear. Something that looks nice but doesn’t scream “she was asking for herpes.” Any and all suggestions are welcome. Except for nudity.
I am terrified to do this obviously, but I think I am more terrified about what will happen if I don’t. Plus, like you’ve pointed out, all the important people in my life already know and they still love me. Maybe not romantically (cough cough Dana) but I don’t feel alone in this. So that’s got to count for something right?!
And finally. The little lady part of this whole thing: You. Gen. My bestest friend in this godforsaken world. I am worried about you. And your drinking specifically.
I know you do NOT want to hear this but alcoholism is genetic and you don’t have the best family history … I’m not saying you need to stop drinking completely right now … but I think it’s something worth thinking about? Maybe you could set some ground rules?
Like:
1) No drinking during the day.
2) No drinking more than two nights in a row.
3) No more than four drinks at any given time.
4) No drinking alone.
Obviously, I’m just spitballing here. But feel free to use any and all of the above free of charge;)
Those are my updates/unsolicited thoughts. Please don’t be too mad at me. I will need your support when the video goes live. Dana wants to disable comments, but that will prevent it from getting any real traction, and if one person feels less alone as a result of my going public, it will be worth it. (Okay, fine, maybe it would need to be at least two.)
Ava Helmer, Professional Herpe-ist
11:27 AM
You’re going public????
<
br /> That is so unbelievably BADASS!
You think so?
I’m so scared!!!
I get that. But you’re doing a really great thing for a lot of people!
Visibility is huge.
Yeah but it’s not like anyone is going to see the video …
The channel has two subscribers and it’s just our moms.
What is the channel?! I will subscribe!
It’s a bad name.
How? Racist? Sexist? Anti-Semitic?
I’m Jewish!
Oh, and you’ve never heard of a self-hating Jew?
It’s called: “Laugh Hard Now, Cry Harder Later”
That’s the channel’s name??
I told you it was stupid!
Laugh Now, Cry Later was already taken.
But they don’t have any uploads so I think we can still claim the brand.
Hey, I’m into it.
I’m just glad you’re making stuff again!
Thank you!!!
How’s work?
I dunno.
?
I’m at home.
Taking a “personal day.”
Are you drinking?
The number you have dialed is no longer in service.
Gen! It’s not even noon!
That’s why I’m also having orange juice! For a balanced meal!
BACKUP CAREERS
Gen Goldman
11/12/19
to Ava
1) Phlebotomist. Involves years of schooling but I would get to say the word phlebotomist at least once a day.
2) Used Car Salesman. We both know I can lie circles around Trump. Might as well put this skill to good use instead of wasting it by focusing on “journalistic integrity.”
3) Cam Girl. For the money. And the stories.
4) Professional Groupie. I think if I pick the right band this could be very lucrative … I could sell merch and save money on rent by sleeping in a van.