Please Send Help

by Gaby Dunn

  5) Trophy Wife. We both know I clean up good.

  Right now I’m leaning towards 4 but I can be persuaded towards 1 if you pay for my schooling.

  Gen, Future Phlebotomist*

  *Say that ten times fast. It’ll be a lot of fun!

  Re: BACKUP CAREERS

  Ava Helmer

  11/12/19

  to Gen

  What about a journalist who just doesn’t live in Florida??

  WE’RE LIVE BABY!!

  Ava Helmer

  11/13/19

  to Gen

  Dana and I stayed up until 2 in the morning editing. (Well, Dana hit the buttons but I stayed awake! Which is a feat unto itself!)

  I think it came out great! The right mix of facts and funny. I don’t think I’m ready to be a professional actor, but I’m pretty good at being sarcastic. Who knew? (That was sarcastic.) We uploaded at 10AM EST to maximize views (haha). At least twelve people have watched it!

  The only downside (so far) was my parents’ reaction. They’re both pretty shocked I went public with my “condition” and not so subtly urged me to take it down before too many people see. My dad thinks it might get in the way of me having a “normal career.” I don’t know how having herpes will negatively affect my career unless he thinks I’m going to sleep with everyone I work with and get fired for infecting them????

  I guess I did sleep with Ben, which is what got me into this whole mess. So maybe he does have a point.

  I HATE upsetting my parents but I’m really proud of the video. Maybe if it gets some positive feedback they will come around?

  Dana is sending it out to pretty much everyone he has ever met, which is a surprising number of people considering we spend like 80 percent of our time together. Maybe he has a secret life after I go to bed?

  I’m most excited for you to watch! I hope you like it!!!

  Are you back at work today?

  Xoxox

  A

  11:49 AM

  Ahhhh!

  I LOVE it!!

  Really????

  REALLY! It’s so sad and funny!

  It was mostly meant to be funny …

  Maybe it’s just sad because I know you?

  I don’t know if that makes it better or worse.

  Can I post it?

  Where?

  Everywhere!!!

  Maybe just not FB. Too many old teachers friended me.

  FB is dead anyway.

  I also think Zuckerberg has been dead for years and replaced by a clone.

  I know you think that. You tweet about it all the time.

  Don’t hate the players, hate the organization.

  Are you at work?

  Yes, I’m at work, Mom.

  Am I doing work? That’s another story.

  I’m just glad you’re not dead in a ditch.

  2:58 PM

  Oh fuck.

  Ben wants “to talk.”

  If you take that A-hole back I will beat you.

  And then support your choice to ruin your life.

  Because I’m pro-choice in all situations.

  Get it?

  I really don’t think he wants to get back together.

  He looks mad …

  I AM A SURVIVOR …

  Ava Helmer

  11/13/19

  to Gen

  Of gaslighting. I think I finally understand that term! And the type of horrible people who try to inflict it.

  My intuition about Ben was spot-on. I know it’s not possible for steam to come out of someone’s ears, but I think his rage actually radiated heat.

  He grabbed me after an all-staff meeting where Halona played us some of her favorite YouTube videos. Half of them were just clips from SNL … Needless to say I have a very important job (internship).

  We went to grab a coffee around the corner but before I could even order, he dug into me.

  BEN: Did you just do it to get back at me? Because that’s pretty immature.

  AVA: Did I just do what to get back at you? Caramel Macchiato please!

  *hold for ordering*

  BEN: You know what, Ava. The video.

  Full disclosure, I did know what but I wanted to make him have to explain so he could dig his own hole.

  AVA: That video has nothing to do with you. It doesn’t even mention you.

  BEN: But people know we dated!

  AVA: So?

  BEN: Now people will think I have herpes.

  AVA: You DO have herpes! Or do you genuinely keep forgetting? Maybe that’s why you forgot to tell me before we slept together.

  BEN: I don’t know who is putting you up to this, but petty doesn’t look good on you.

  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!!! Where is he getting his insults from? A 1950’s guide to disarming housewives? Totally honestly: it stung … but they were mean back then.

  After five minutes of me somewhat calmly explaining not everything I do has to do with him, Ben changed tactics.

  BEN: Are you worried? About everyone knowing? You’re just starting out. It could get in the way of stuff.

  AVA: Would you not hire someone because they have a completely contained infection that is only sometimes contagious through sexual contact?

  BEN: Not me, personally, but people are weird about this stuff. It’s better to keep it private—

  AVA: From your sexual partners?

  BEN: I get it. You’re pissed I didn’t tell you. But doesn’t that just prove my point? It’s not a cool thing to have and I don’t think you really thought through the entire world knowing your business.

  AVA: You’re right. I probably didn’t “think it through.” I got caught up in the excitement of making something and taking back control over my life and my shame. But now that you are making me look at it from all sides … I’m really glad I did it. Because people shouldn’t be censored by shame.

  Okay, maybe I wasn’t THAT articulate in the moment. But I think I got my main point across, which was FUCK YOU. The video is staying up. I then walked out without him and when I got to my desk we suddenly had ten thousand views?? I don’t know how. But I will definitely take it.

  AM I A VIRAL SENSATION?

  A

  8:38 PM

  35,923!

  Views???

  Yep! And I am only responsible for like fifty of them!

  This is so cool!

  Now my former teachers definitely know I have herpes!

  When you think about the poor sex education in this country, it’s technically their fault …

  I really don’t know if my former Latin instructor will see it that way but I can certainly hope!

  Thank you for making me do this!

  Or giving me the courage to do it!

  Anytime babe;)

  I told you to stop calling me babe.

  You got it, toots.

  Thu, Nov 14, 3:45 AM

  I took my own advice!!

  6:50 AM

  Oh no.

  What does that mean???

  Why were you awake at 3:45???

  GEN!!!!

  8:27 AM

  Hola!

  What did you do?!

  I took my own advice!

  You married a foreign oil magnate and sold all his company shares to Greenpeace for one dollar??

  No! That advice only applied to Kelly because that oil guy wanted to marry her.

  So what did you do?

  Blackmail your landlord into giving you cheaper rent by using his tax evasion against him?

  No! That was just advice for Alex when he was living in Boston!

  But you can see why I’m worried, right?

  Not the best track record.

  If either of them had LISTENED to my advice, I’m sure they’d be a lot better off than they are now.

  Kelly is happily engaged to her college BF!

  They’re already ENGAGED?!

  We’re barely baby adults! What is wrong with straight
people?!

  STOP STRAIGHT PEOPLE DEFLECTING!

  WHAT DID YOU DO?!!

  I stopped waiting on other people to accomplish what I want professionally.

  Which means …

  I posted the interview with the mayor to the website without Grady’s permission

  What??

  Won’t you get in big trouble for that?!

  Too early to tell.

  OY!

  HOW THE MIGHTY HAVE FALLEN

  Gen Goldman

  11/14/19

  to Ava

  So … I got fired. Not laid off. Or downsized. Or relocated to my home without pay. Straight up FIRED. Feels a little dramatic, no?

  I showed up to work relatively on time. I mean I was up until 4AM hacking the website from my personal computer (sorry, intern Cash!) so I figured I could let myself sleep in a bit. But I didn’t even make it to my desk before Grady bellowed my name.

  After an epic sigh, I joined him in his office.

  GRADY: I assume you know why you’re in here?

  GEN: Nope.

  GRADY: So you didn’t upload an unapproved article to the website last night?

  GEN: No, I did that. But I wasn’t sure if that’s why I was in here.

  *unofficial stare down that I unofficially win*

  GRADY: Why would you do something like this?

  GEN: Well, I am here to report the news. And I felt it was my journalistic duty to cover this story to the best of my ability. Also, I was under the impression you never even looked at the website.

  GRADY: Of course I look at the website!

  GEN: Really?

  GRADY: Not every day, but I certainly check it out when I get a concerned call from the mayor’s office at 7AM!

  GEN: The mayor reads The Fernandina Beach Centennial online?

  GRADY: I don’t know. But he certainly reads Google Alerts.

  GEN: Ohhh. Google Alerts. I forgot about those.

  GRADY: What was your plan here? For no one to read the article? What’s the point of that?

  GEN: I thought it would gain traction on some liberal outlets and social media so by the time you found out about it, you couldn’t take it down without getting backlash.

  *Grady takes his glasses off and rubs his eyes. I notice I cause this reaction in a lot of people*

  GRADY: That’s smart—

  GEN: Thank you.

  GRADY: But it didn’t work. And now I need to suspend you. Without pay.

  GEN: Suspend me?! I’m the only one at the office that does anything.

  GRADY: That’s not fair or true.

  GEN: Oh really?! When was the last time Phyllis uncovered anything? And Beau spends all his time talking to his fake girlfriend—

  GRADY: What fake girlfriend?

  So this is where I might have gone off the rails a bit. I was groggy from lack of sleep and maybe one too many beers. (I had four beers, okay? But spread out.)

  I guess I will never know why, but I told Grady everything. About Beulah and Lyle and Beau’s obsession. Halfway through he called Beau into the office and made me tell him everything. That did not go well.

  BEAU: So it’s been you this whole time?

  GEN: Well, me and Lyle. Mostly Lyle.

  BEAU: Who is Lyle?!

  GEN: Lyle Rainbow? From the Open All Doors piece?

  BEAU: I’ve been talking with a dude??? A GAY dude??

  GEN: He’s gay, yeah, but has a very feminine aura—

  BEAU: Why would you do this??

  GEN: You seemed lonely.

  BEAU: You think you did this to HELP me?

  *I shrug*

  GEN: Haven’t you been happier lately?

  BEAU: I’m not happy right now!

  Grady interrupted at this point to stop what I can only imagine would have become a “rumble.” He said in light of my recent harassment and bullying(?) he had no choice but to fire me. I was given five minutes to exit the premises. Before I left, I made sure to give them the login details for the website and made them promise not to fire Cash. Grady thanked me and told me he’d be sure to change them. Smartest decision he’s made in a while.

  Anyway, I’m fired! So now I’m not just in debt. I’m unemployed and in debt. Maybe I can work at GOTCHA? They are always unbearably understaffed. Or maybe their staff is just unbearably slow. Either way I’ll ask about job openings once I finish this drink.

  How’s your video doing??

  G

  1:32 PM

  GEN!

  I just saw your email!

  Are you okay???

  Golden!

  Does that mean okay??

  hahaha I’m fine!

  People get fired all the time.

  What are you gonna do? Move back home?

  FUCK no!

  The only place worse than this shithole is anywhere with my parents.

  Okay. Maybe you could move here?

  OH MY GOD!!!! MOVE HERE????

  I can’t afford New York, Ava.

  No one can afford New York! That’s part of the fun!

  Can you give me like four hours of enjoying my freedom before forcing me to plan my future??

  Yes. Absolutely. Sorry

  1:41 PM

  Are you drinking?

  6:23 PM

  Watch my story!

  On Instagram?

  DUH!

  6:26 PM

  Gen!

  That’s dangerous!

  Relax! I know how to swim!

  Whose boat is that??

  A new friend.

  I think you should go home for the night. Get some rest.

  Rest is for losers!

  I rest all the time!

  Exactly ;)

  WORRIED ABOUT YOU

  Ava Helmer

  11/14/19

  to Gen

  That’s pretty much it. I’m here if you need me. I’m here even if you think you don’t. Getting fired is a scary horrible thing. Even if you didn’t like the job in the first place.

  Please don’t self-destruct. You’re the only one I can tolerate in small, medium or large doses.

  Love always,

  Ava

  P.S. The video has 57K views now! I can only assume you did something with your magic fingers. (Like posting it on Reddit.)

  Fri, Nov 15, 8:27 AM

  Good morning!!!

  9:52 AM

  Hellooooo!!!

  1:12 PM

  It is the afternoon!

  1:23 PM

  I’m up.

  How’d you sleep??

  Harumph.

  Remember to drink water

  6:57 PM

  How was your day?

  Thrilling. I slept and then went back to sleep.

  That sounds an awful lot like depression. Do you feel depressed?

  It’s been ONE day! Leave me alone!

  Sorry! Sorry!

  Let me know if you want help filling out unemployment paperwork. I’ve heard it can be pretty tricky.

  ONE DAY!

  Sorry.

  GOOD MORNING, YOU DARK CLOUD!!

  Ava Helmer

  11/16/19

  to Gen

  So I’ve been asking around, and it turns out Lacie’s roommate works at this women-only work space downtown and they are hiring people to run a newsletter. I know it’s not your typical print journalism but they’re exclusively hiring people with a journalism background to write about women’s issues in New York??? Could be, I don’t know, PERFECT?!

  Plus, you could probably do freelance work on the side to supplement the income? I talked to Dana and you are more than welcome to crash on our couch until you find a place of your own. You just have to promise to not sleep with Dana. I know I will never sleep with Dana, and I have made my peace with that, but I think I would lose it if you slept with him. Even if it was “casual and didn’t mean anything.” I am petty and weak and I appreciate your sexual restraint at this time.r />
  Anyway, here is the email to send your resume: harperopenings@gmail.com

  Let me know what you think of this plan!! I think it is my best plan of all time!

  A

  P.S. I can’t wait for you to move here and find/show me all the places I should have been going this whole time!

  3:17 PM

  Alex thinks he can probably get me a job at ACORE. It would be super entry level, but I guess the pay is good.

  Did you get my email???

  Yeah.

  And?!

  I can’t move to New York, Ava.

  It’s too expensive.

  But so is D.C.…

  But I would have a job in D.C.

  You could have a job in New York!

  And you wouldn’t even have to pay rent at first because you could stay with me and my herpes.

  I’m sure I could stay with Alex too.

  You don’t even care about green energy! I’ve never seen you recycle!

  That’s not true! I do it whenever there is a sign.

  Do you not want to live near me? Is that what this is about?

  oh my god Ava

  Not everything is about you.

  HI MY NAME IS GEN …

  Gen Goldman

  11/18/19

  to Ava

  And I like to self-sabotage.

  You probably do not find this surprising since you have seen me do it a countless amount of times. Another thing I love to do is lash out at the ones who love me the most, which at this point, is pretty much you.

  After getting fired (and honestly before) I fell into something of a black hole. I was mad at everyone and everything. I was also pretty pissed that I don’t have any sort of safety cushion. Like if my parents were financially responsible AT ALL I wouldn’t have to worry about ending up on the street. But, instead, they’re morons and the only person looking out for me financially is me. And we both know I am not good at finances. Some might say, I am very bad at finances. I don’t even want to tell you how much I have spent on custom cat costumes that they all refuse to wear. (Over $200. As in, over $300. On a credit card.)