by Gaby Dunn
I would never begrudge your parents or your background, but shit like this makes me a little resentful because it will just never be the same for you. Getting fired isn’t just embarrassing. It’s terrifying. So I didn’t want to face all of that. So I drank instead. And then being hungover makes me extra cranky so I drink more …
And I get why my drinking freaks you out. It freaks me out too. I don’t want to end up like my dad. But I’m also twenty-two and I don’t think I need to be sober for my entire life because I’m afraid of what might happen. I can handle myself and I also promise to wait until at least noon to crack one open. Unless I’m at brunch. There are no rules at brunch.
I’m thinking of going back to some Al-Anon meetings. I went to some in college and they helped me with “my anger issues.” I don’t know. I sort of need to focus on the whole “employment” thing before rooting around in my damaged past.
Anywayyyy I’m sorry I was a dick. I spent the entire weekend drinking my sorrows and trying to get Alex to flirt with me. I was this close to doing something really drastic like driving to Mexico or I don’t know, maybe heroin, when something incredible happened.
Beau walked into my house. Yep, that Beau. I sprang up from my sinkhole of depression (the couch) and prepared for a proper beating. I figured I had like a 15 percent shot of being too drunk to feel the pain. But then Lyle walked in behind him. Turns out they were going to go to a movie after getting some coffee and Lyle wanted to grab a jacket.
Before your heart starts to do a gay flutter: I have to warn you. This is not a love story. But it is a friendship story. Apparently, after I let the cat out of the bag and exposed Beulah as a scam, Lyle reached out to Beau from his personal account. He explained how much he had enjoyed their conversations, and even though Beau must feel betrayed, everything Lyle said was true (you know, other than all the stuff about Beulah).
I guess Beau wrote back and suggested they meet up in person to put a face to a fake name. So they went to coffee and now they’re friends? I think this is the first time in a long time I have faith in humanity?
It also made me realize that I’ve been an exceptionally shitty person lately and you deserve an apology.
I also applied to the NY job so you would stop bugging me about it.
Cross your fingers and toes. Nothing would make me happier than sleeping on your couch.
G
HI MY NAME IS AVA …
Ava Helmer
11/18/19
to Gen
And I am happy crying right now. Thank you for your email and thank you for apologizing! It feels like Christmas! Or some other holiday that I actually celebrate.
I’m sorry things have been so shitty for you. And I am always a bit behind when it comes to finance stuff. But I honestly think we can make N.Y. work together. If you eat a street dog twice a day, you’re basically surviving on next to nothing! (Also dollar pizza! It’s everywhere!) And you don’t have to live in Manhattan. We both know you’re more Williamsburg or Bushwick than mainland. (Do people call Manhattan “mainland”? I think they should!)
Re: drinking. I’ll keep my mouth shut … for now. But I do fully support this Al-Anon idea and will do my best to never invite you to brunch. Seems like only bad things will happen if we brunch.
And now for the main event: LYLE AND BEAU!!!!! Oh my god!!! That is so cute and wonderful!! Imagine if they become best friends just like us?? Your catfish turned into a real mitzvah! I did NOT see that coming!
I’m sorry it took me until tonight to respond. A crazy thing happened on Friday and now I am producing my own segment for Mind the Gap so I actually had work to do today!
Still crying,
A
9:13 PM
You got your own segment???!!?!!
Why didn’t you tell me!?
I don’t know!
Did it have anything to do with me being fired?
Maybe????
Ava! You can always share your good news with me!
Even when I’m being a bitch!
Hahaha OK
Noted for the future!
So Halona liked the shelter dog pitch??
God no.
No one liked that.
???
They went with a different one.
I’ll email you tomorrow!
About to watch Dana perform indie improv
Wow.
Sending you the strength to not fall asleep.
Thank you. I’ll need it.
WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU HERPES …
Ava Helmer
11/19/19
to Gen
Use it to advance your career?
I showed up to the all-staff intern pitch meeting on Friday already embarrassed for my future self. I wasn’t as prepared as I should have been, and even though animals are great, no one wants to cover them on late-night unless a politician was caught fondling a bear. (Do you think it’s even possible to fondle a bear? Animal sexual organs remain a mystery to me.) I sat in the back and hoped Halona would lose interest in her own idea before I got to share mine. This has happened many times before. She once asked for each segment producer to make a video presentation of their own lives and then left during the first one for an “important appointment.” It’s one thing to walk out on someone’s idea … it’s another to walk out on someone’s life!
When Halona walked in with a smile and a Venti Latte, my stomach dropped. People started murmuring. There had been much discussion of cutting her down to Grandes only. The last time she had a Venti Latte the staff meeting went from 10 to 11. As in 10AM to 11PM. Thankfully, that was before my time. I would have had to quit around 9PM.
Anywho, she walked in, talking a mile a minute and I felt my whole body clench up. There was no way I was going to make it through the meeting without having to eventually talk. Just as I worried about having to speak, I HEARD myself speaking. Out of the loudspeakers. Halona was playing my herpes video on the TV. I had no idea what was happening.
The only explanations that made any sense were:
1) Elaborate prank
2) Alternate dimension
3) Trapped in a dream
So, since this clearly wasn’t reality, I let myself sit back and enjoy the (false) moment. People seemed to really like the video. Everyone was laughing. A lot of people looked at me and smiled. Except Ben. Ben was scowling. But why was Ben scowling in my dream? My unconscious mind can’t even fabricate a truly blissful experience—and then it hit me. I was conscious and this was all real.
HALONA MCBRIDE WAS PLAYING MY VIDEO ON THE TV IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE STAFF! AND PEOPLE WERE LAUGHING!
I finally understood that this WAS happening. But I didn’t understand WHY it was happening. Until the video finished and Halona announced I would be producing a segment on STDs for the intern field piece. Before she could explain anything else, she hit her head on one of the lamps and left the room, pissed off.
Everyone stared at me, unsure of what to do. No one else had had the opportunity to pitch their ideas. I hadn’t even had the chance to formally pitch an idea. I felt the tides of envy turning but then Dana started a slow clap. That turned into a real clap and before I knew it, people were congratulating me! And it seemed to be sincere! (For the most part.)
A couple people also told me they “knew someone” with herpes. Not sure what I’m supposed to do with that information …
And then the meeting was adjourned. Shayna, that junior producer who just got bumped up to segment producer, offered to help me navigate the piece SINCE I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I’M DOING!
I brainstormed all weekend and I think I landed on an interview with an abstinence-only educator. The hook will be something along the lines of me revealing I have herpes, the educator trying to shame me about it, and then me not letting them? I’m not sure. It’s a work in progress. I have until the end of this week to figure it out.
So that is my big, huge, unbelievable update!
I’m sorry I didn’t tell you right away but I was trying to be considerate yadda yadda.
Give Tabby and the threesome a kiss from me!
Ava
2:47 PM
I french-kissed all four cats in your honor!
Aw! Thank you!
Please never do that again.
Sorry! Got too much free time not to at least experiment.
I’m worried you know too much about animals’ sexual organs.
Congrats on your segment! It’s gonna be amazing!!!
Or very bad!
Could go either way!
Nah.
That’s only true about most people’s sexual orientations.
9:16 PM
I’m very impressed you haven’t inquired about my “next steps.”
It must be killing you.
Why do you think I haven’t texted?!!
I’m trying to respect your process!
Of being unemployed?
Of FINDING yourself.
Fuck. That’s what I’m supposed to be doing?
Or applying to jobs in N.Y. either way!
What am I supposed to do with my lease?
It’s not like I have credit score to spare.
Sublet it to Lyle!
Lyle is homeless.
Not if he sublets your apartment!
9:27 PM
Is it illegal for me to apply for jobs in your name?
Not sure if it’s illegal but it’s psychotic!
Psychotic has never stopped me before!
What is your social security number?
123-45-6789
Perfect!
WHO AM I, WHAT AM I
Gen Goldman
11/20/19
to Ava
That’s what Dr. Seuss should have named at least one of his books! I might have actually read it … (Please do not suggest actual self-help books to me right now. I’m not that far gone.)
It is a very strange thing to wake up and have no purpose. I thought this would feel like an unpaid vacation, but stress has already settled in and I’m worried about … my future? Is this why adults are in bad moods all of the time?
I finally returned my mother’s call this morning after two weeks of ignoring texts (aka spiritual memes). She started grilling me about work and I told her we had “respectfully parted ways.” I thought she’d act shocked or disappointed but she just sighed and asked if I needed money!
First of all, they don’t have any money! What was she going to do if I said yes? Tell me to take out a loan!? Why does she insist on pretending she can fulfill any sort of parental role in my life? Is it a pride thing? I bet it’s a pride thing. (Fucking genetics.)
Second, did she ASSUME I was going to get fired? Or part ways? Or whatever the fuck I told her? I was editor-in-chief of The Berkeley Beacon! I am a (student) award-winning journalist! I am going to make something of myself, whether they read about it or not.
So now I can’t even enjoy my couch nap because I feel like a failure. I need a job ASAP. But I also need a career long-term.
UGH! Why did I have to be born with this free-loving personality AND ambition?!
It’s a curse.
G
P.S. Thank god for having great legs. They are an uncomplicated gift.
P.P.S. Beau got Lyle a job working at some family friend’s restaurant. Apparently he is going to make bank in tips. At least I enriched both of their lives while ruining my own. And if I ever find my way out of here I have someone to sublet my place. (Does this count as a silver lining if it is mostly good news for someone else?)
P.P.P.S. I should never have gone to college. (Because of the student loans. The nightlife was awesome.)
3:48 PM
It’s only been one week!
You will find your purpose!
You would freak out after one day if you got fired.
Sure. But I have generalized anxiety disorder.
I freak out if I’m running on time instead of early.
Wow. You’re so weird.
I feel better.
9:12 PM
Dana just kissed me!
OH MY GOD! REALLY?!!!
Nope!
I’m just trying to prank more.
Good one?
There’s a learning curve …
10:23 PM
Maybe I should go into space.
Sure! Follow your dreams!
Then we’d be really far from each other …
I take it back!
Follow my dreams!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Ava Helmer
11/21/19
to Gen
I don’t think my video makes any sense. I think I need to rethink the entire idea. What if I went to an STD clinic instead? Or, what if I somehow brought the abstinence educator to an STD clinic with me? What is my angle? What am I trying to say??
I can’t believe I’m getting this amazing break and I’m going to fuck it up.
Re: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Ava Helmer
11/21/19
to Gen
I figured it out! I think it’s going to be really good! Probably the best thing I’ve ever done.
Re: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Gen Goldman
11/21/19
to Ava
Happy to help!
HOW MUCH FAILURE IS TOO MUCH FAILURE??
Gen Goldman
11/21/19
to Ava
I know we’re in our early twenties and we’re allowed to “figure stuff out” until most of our high school class gets married or knocked up, but at what point am I just a loser who doesn’t have her life together?
Yes, I got myself fired. Not for being bad at my job but for being too much of myself. But what if myself isn’t good at having a job? What if I just float from one mediocre opportunity to another and suddenly I’m middle-aged and still cohabitating with a random person to save on rent? I have a brain! I should be allowed to use it to make cash!
Maybe I should go to Grady and beg for my job back. There is no way he’ll give it to me but his wife might need a housekeeper or something?!
I feel like I want to break up with myself. You know, “It’s not me, it’s you who is also me.”
Wow. I’m so sad. Is this what it’s like to be you?
G
Re: HOW MUCH FAILURE IS TOO MUCH FAILURE??
Ava Helmer
11/21/19
to Gen
Hello.
I have very mixed feelings about this email because:
1) I’m so proud of you for thinking about the future! I never thought I’d see the day.
2) I’m devastated that you think you are a failure. Gen, you are the most talented, vivacious and interesting person I know. Your path might not be straight (pun intended) but I know it will be filled with adventure and success.
3) I don’t feel that sad anymore! Am I cured??? Or do I just have even further to fall???
If I had to whittle all of those feelings down into one response it would be: ONLY GO FORWARD. DO NOT GO BACK.
Grady is out of your life. The Fernandina Beach Centennial is out of your life. You are destined for greater things. Just make yourself open to new opportunities and don’t be afraid to chase them. There is nothing embarrassing about not getting what you want. I think it’s more embarrassing to not want anything in the first place.
Also, move to New York. PLEASE.
A
P.S. I guess you don’t have to move here. You can still go to space.
2:47 PM
What is your address?
Why?! Are you going to send me something?!
You don’t need to send me something!
You should be saving money!
I’m not sending you anything.
Oh.
Then why do you need my address?
/> So I know where to go after my interview.
At the work space???
Yep. They just called to set up a time.
OH MY GOD!
When is it?!
Tomorrow.
I lied and said I live in Brooklyn.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
This is the best news I’ve ever heard!
I feel like I just got engaged!
See, that kind of thing is why people think our friendship is weird.
Fuck those people!
WE’RE GONNA BE ROOMMATES!
3:12 PM
Remember three hours ago when you thought you were a failure?!!
Life is wild.
Fri, Nov 22, 9:27 AM
I just landed.
I know!
How?? I didn’t even tell you my flight number.
I figured it out.
I’m at baggage claim.
YOU’RE AT THE AIRPORT????
Don’t you have a job??
Or did you get fired too???
I took a “sick” day!
My moral compass is getting more flexible.
I can’t believe you’re here!
Are you sure you’re not “in love” in love with me?
Pretty sure!
But I miss you so much we can kiss if you want!
AHHH!
I can’t wait to get off the motherfuckin plane!
9:42 AM
We are still waiting for a gate.
That’s okay! I’m reading memes!
Reading memes? Do people say that?
I do!
10:01 AM
If the airport goes under lockdown, it’s because I tried to blow up this plane.
Don’t joke about that!!!!!
I want them to read it! So they will escort me off this plane and into your loving arms.