by Godiva Glenn
There was no more ache burrowing beneath her skin and when she gently touched her stomach through her shirt, there was no pain. She lifted the light fabric and inspected herself. The scars were there, lessened slightly, but there was no more swelling or redness.
Likewise, her arm felt strong and healed, though the bite mark was still prominent.
She knew the scars would most likely be with her forever, but there was still a sad twinge in her heart. It would have been nice if the moon could have helped to remove the proof of her physical weakness.
Flexing her left arm and rotating her wrist in a careful stretch, she marveled at how her strength seemed to have reappeared overnight. She rushed through the house and found it empty, which was preferable—she didn’t want to be found in Mikos’s bed.
After a quick shower, she dressed and started cooking breakfast. The Sarka pack, like most lupine packs would gather and eat together after a full moon, and she wanted to participate in that tradition. There was no telling how Thea would handle it, if she would accept Kyra’s presence or not, but that concern was shoved into the farthest corner of her mind.
She fried bacon and breakfast sausages then scrambled eggs. She was in the middle of flipping a pancake when she heard steps on the porch and held her breath as the door opened shortly after.
Ross entered first, his eyes closed, and face lifted as he inhaled deeply. “I’m starving,” he announced.
She gestured to the food spread out on the counter, being careful to mind the skillet while she continued to make pancakes. “I wasn’t sure what you’d like.”
He took a piece of bacon and crunched on it as Mikos and Thea entered. Thea eyed Kyra but didn’t speak to her. Instead, she glanced at Ross.
“You should shower,” she scolded.
“It was a mess out there,” he commented to Kyra. Then to Thea, he said, “Come on, hun. When was the last time you ate without cooking it yourself?”
Her lips pursed, and she hovered near the plate of eggs. “Probably forty years ago, the day I discovered that you could burn water,” she joked.
Kyra’s eyes widened at the softer tone of Thea’s voice. Wanting to stay far from the center of attention she focused on finishing the last pancake while Thea fixed a plate. After Kyra had turned off the burner, she found Mikos standing in a corner.
“Are you hungry?” she asked.
“Yeah. It smells great, but you didn’t have to do this,” he replied.
“Maybe I didn’t, maybe I did. Either way, I wanted to.”
He took her hand and examined her arm, his eyes narrowed. “Are you feeling better?”
“Amazingly so. I guess today’s the day.”
“The day?”
“I have to go home.”
He nodded. “I think we should talk.” He pushed the door open and lifted his chin towards the porch. “Come on.”
Kyra looked back at where Ross and Thea sat and ate quietly. Whatever Mikos had to tell her, she wasn’t sure what to expect. His tone and actions had her worried. She stepped outside and passed the chairs to sit on the steps, giving a tiny bit more distance between themselves and the ears that could probably hear every word.
Mikos sat next to her. At first, he only stared off at the distance, but finally, he licked his lips and muttered, “We ran into some of the pack last night.”
“You make that sound ominous,” she said, raising a brow.
“Sierra was there.”
“Oh.”
He rubbed his palms over his jeans, his brows furrowed in frustration. “After what happened, punishment wasn’t immediately decided. I know I told you that she’d tried to rationalize her action, and for a while, it seemed like it would work.”
“Seems like it did.”
“No. I can’t lie and say everyone was against her, but the elders and Ian did finally come down on her. She didn’t simply attack you, after all. One, she did it using her lupine form—and outside of sanctioned duels or self-defense, it was deemed cowardly and grossly unnecessary.”
“I’m glad there’s still honor hiding there,” Kyra grumbled.
“There was no excuse she could make for attacking you at your home on a night where she was stronger, and additionally using her wolf to an advantage. It should have been enough to have her put out. In another pack, she’d have been executed.”
“And don’t forget her friends. It was three to one, or did that escape everyone’s attention?”
He nodded. “I know. They claim they had no control, but they couldn’t explain why they weren’t then with the pack where they belonged for everyone’s safety. Ignorance isn’t excusable, not when lives are at stake. Sierra was pinned for that too. It was ruled that she’d used weaker pack mates as weapons. Everything was against her once the dam broke.”
“Then why was she running with the pack last night?” Kyra asked. “Since when does attempted murder of a pack member, plus coercion or however else they want to call it, lead to her still being accepted?”
“Her brother took her place and was banished instead.”
Kyra’s jaw dropped. “What? And they allowed that?”
Mikos spread his hands. “I don’t know that there’s any truth to his story, but he claimed to have pressured Sierra into every action. He took responsibility for everything and begged Ian to raise Sierra to be a better lupine.”
“And that worked...”
“It did. Kalle already left the pack. We’re supposed to forget he ever existed and, in the meanwhile, it’s the pack’s responsibility to nurture Sierra as if she’s an orphan.”
“She’s an adult! Full grown and chock full of enough sense to be held responsible for her own shameful actions!” Kyra stood and dragged her fingers through her curls. “This is ridiculous!”
“I agree.” Mikos watched Kyra pace and fidget. “Kalle was a decent lupine. Quiet but honorable. I find it extremely difficult to believe he was harboring a secret hatred for you, particularly to the point where he’d use his sister to kill you. In fact, I can’t think of any instance of him even acknowledging your existence.”
“But he loves her. He must if he threw his life away for her. It’s the only thing that makes sense. I’d bet my life that he doesn’t even care about me.”
“Seems that way.”
Kyra hugged her arms around herself. “Then am I safe?”
“She won’t try anything again,” Mikos promised. “She has no one protecting her now. She may have friends, but I doubt they’re the type that would risk everything for her, not now that they see that the pack rules still cover you.”
“I don’t know if that’s supposed to be a relief.”
“I can keep watch over you.” He stood and walked to her. “It’s not an inconvenience to rescue you,” he joked. “I’m a pro at it now.”
The humor fell flat, and Kyra looked away. Ian and the elders hadn’t sided with her. They’d only done what needed to be done in order to reinforce their control. She had no doubt in her mind that they were tempted to let the rules slide this once. And chances are, had Sierra succeeded in killing Kyra, they would have buried the entire situation and moved on with things.
Once it was clear that Kyra would live, that’s when everything became inconvenient. She swallowed the bitter reality. She could think exactly like them because when she was a spoiled brat, when she was naive and didn’t question authority, that’s how she saw the world.
She wanted to find her wolf. She wanted to be a true lupine. But her pack was no more than monsters masquerading as a civilized community. They were supposed to be better than that. Merit belonged to being cunning and loyal, not bloodthirsty and conniving. If she hadn’t already decided to leave the pack after finding her wolf, the injustice she saw now would have helped her decide.
“Where will Kalle go? What will happen to him?” she asked.
“I don’t know. He’s strong, he’s smart... but we aren’t meant to be out there alone.”
“He coul
d join another pack,” she mused.
“No. Ian marked him. He’ll be undesirable,” Mikos said softly.
Kyra grit her teeth. When a lupine was turned away by the pack, the alpha could let them go in peace. But sometimes there was no peace. Sometimes the alpha would claw the lupine’s back as a symbol of what happens to those who turned against the pack, deep enough to scar. Deep enough to threaten the strength and survival of that individual.
“Ian isn’t stupid enough to really believe that story about Kalle masterminding Sierra’s insanity. Why would he do that?”
“My guess? He didn’t believe Kalle. Most of the pack didn’t. But he had to sell the lie, so he applied the harshest punishment to reinforce his stance.”
“It’s a death penalty. Either he goes feral or another pack catches and kills him. Are you okay with that?” She met Mikos’s eyes. “Are you content following an alpha that makes that sort of decision? What would the ancestors say? What did Ross say?”
Mikos’s face was a blank mask. He pressed a kiss to her forehead. “Focus on your own wolf and let others do the same.”
He walked away and went inside, leaving her alone with her thoughts.
In the first year of not being able to shift, she’d still dreamed that she could find her wolf, and everything would simply work out. Obviously, that was ridiculous.
After everything she’d been through, she knew that she’d leave the pack, whether she ended up with her wolf or not.
Her feelings for Mikos made her inevitable split from the Sarkas a bitter pill. A future with him didn’t boast enough sparkling appeal to make up for living and serving a council she didn’t trust. It made her sick to think of continuing the cycle, and if someday they had children, the deceit would continue.
Though going feral was a daunting risk, and a high one at that. She acknowledged the stakes but there were other options. Unlike Kalle, she could leave the pack without ever facing Ian. Meaning she would be free without any marks on her back deeming her untrustworthy.
Finding another pack was a possibility. There was still a risk there, too. Most packs didn’t welcome runaways. And if the pack was built on antiquated laws like the Sarka’s, they may kill her, marked or not.
The weight of her choice and the possible paths of her future drained her of the energy she’d woken with. She headed inside and ate breakfast in her room, numb to the excitement of going home.
* * * *
The mud sucked at Kyra’s boots, but she trudged on, eager to make her way home. Mikos walked beside her, his masculine swagger persistent while she slid and tripped through the still drenched terrain.
“You don’t need to follow me,” she said once she was comfortable enough to break the silence.
“I’m not following you,” he replied. “I have to get back anyways. Pointless to return separately.”
She had no reason to be upset with Mikos, yet she was. It wasn’t his fault that Sierra had escaped punishment. It wasn’t his fault that a good wolf was now out on his own and forsaken by their pack.
But it was his choice to continue and excuse the pack’s actions and view them as an honorable if neglectful family. For all the respect she had for him, she didn’t understand his complacency, and it angered her.
They walked for a few minutes, and a soft sadness came over her. Once they returned, it would be back to how things were before. She would keep her distance. He would continue his life and decide on a female. The next moon would come, and regardless of the outcome, she would be on her way.
She’d accepted her fate to go it alone.
At the same time, the last week had shown her something worth missing. Even this morning, she’d woken and wanted nothing more than to drag Mikos away and touch him again. The mere thought of his hands exploring her body made her stomach clench and cheeks warm. Since experiencing his wolf pressed at the surface, she wanted to feel that comforting sensation while intimate.
A clear tension sat between them now, but she still had those urges and desires. She didn’t want the pack, but she still wanted him. Leaving him would be the hardest part.
She watched the ground as she walked and wondered what she’d do if she didn’t find her wolf. She’d planned on moving to town, or perhaps she’d go further and find a real city. One big enough to swallow her past and pain. Somewhere out there was a chaotic cluster massive enough to get lost in, so that she could become another face in a crowd.
“I’m not sure you care, but I wanted to let you know that I’m not afraid.”
“Afraid of what?”
“A few nights ago, I spoke to Ross and he told me about the old ways and why he liv—”
“We’re not doing it, Kyra. There’s a reason why we can’t force your wolf, and you’re right, I don’t care that you aren’t afraid.”
She came to a stop, so abrupt she slipped and had to support herself on the nearest tree. Her mouth felt dry. Am I hearing things? “Force my wolf?”
He glared at her. “I can’t do that to you. And even if it worked, things would never be the same.”
“What are you talking about?”
“You said you talked to Ross,” he said clipped.
She pushed off the tree and stood before Mikos. “Yeah. He said that things change, and he lives out here because he doesn’t like all the changes.” She placed a hand on his chest. “But what is this about forcing my wolf? You mean you could help call it?”
His jaw twitched as if he were chewing a secret.
“Mikos, tell me.”
“It’s a forbidden ritual, and for good reason. The elders know what the ancestors want.”
“But your grandfather was an elder. Why do you assume that he’s wrong? Because he was outnumbered?”
“No, Ross was against it. Look, you don’t know what you’re asking. And besides, there are three steps and you’ve already failed the first.” He turned and walked away, heavy boots splashing and sounding his emotions.
She hurried to catch him and stood in his way. Placing a hand on his chest, she stilled him. Her eyes pleaded. “Please, tell me. How could I have failed something already?”
“No.” He looked away.
“You’d rather not give me this chance? I only have one more moon to find her myself”
“And if you do or don’t, that’s what is meant to be.”
She yanked his shirt. “If you tell me what to do, I can pass. Whatever it is, I will do it and I will find my wolf. The pack doesn’t have to know you helped.”
“They’d know.”
Her hand dropped, and she stepped back. “You could help me, but you won’t? Why not?”
His head shook, and a wry expression crossed his face for a moment before vanishing. “I do want you to shift. I want to hold you and feel your wolf, I want to listen to you read, I want to run with you under the moon.” He growled and looked away. “I want to throw you against that tree and fuck you senseless. I’d stand outside the room while you slept, and my dick was hard enough to break down the damn door. What I want could fill the Earth to the brim.”
“Then talk to me,” she whispered.
His eyes closed, and he swallowed hard. “This isn’t a simple ritual. It’s not you masturbating under the moon. It’s dark magic, Kyra. It’s forbidden. You could gain your wolf and lose everything and everyone.”
“I lose all of that anyways,” she reasoned, too stunned to react further. His words made the fine hairs on her arms rise. The excitement of having him and knowing her wolf sped through her veins.
“No. If you knew, I think you’d rather lose that—hell, I bet you’d rather die—than ask this of me.”
Her heart skipped a beat. “Then tell me what it is.”
“And risk you asking others for help? No.”
“But who would help—”
“No!” he growled, harsh enough that she jumped back. His eyes glowed golden, revealing his wolf joining the fight. “It’s banished. It’s gone. I won’t be a part of
bringing it back.”
“Mikos,” she begged, but he’d turned his back and was stomping away.
She followed at a distance, unsure of what to think. Emotions tumbled while tears dripped down her hot cheeks. She had a chance, but he would keep her from it. He wanted her, but not enough to go against pack law. She didn’t care if everyone knew she’d used forbidden magic.
Staring at the broad shoulders moving further out of her reach, everything she was resolved to giving up stared back at her. The knowledge teased her. So close, but for nothing. And now she knew he wanted her, but still, she couldn’t have him.
TWELVE
The wind chimes outside of Kyra’s small home tinkled in the wind, but the familiar sound had lost its grace. Mikos and she had gone separate ways once the trailer was in eyesight. Not a word spoken during the several hours long hike.
Her belongings were strewn everywhere, some items outside and half-buried in mud and leaves. She resolved to rummaging through broken items and torn clothing to see what could be salvaged.
It was like sifting through her memories in a macabre dance. Some of the things she’d found had been out of mind until discovered destroyed. With a heavy heart, she came across a dream catcher that her mother had made for over her crib as a baby. The frame was snapped and threads tangled.
Over hours she sorted through her life and wasn’t surprised when most of it ended up in a trash bag.
She felt like shit by the time she’d slumped into the shower, and no amount of floral-scented body wash could drive it away. It wasn’t enough that her home was disrespected, she herself felt broken.
She didn’t want to believe that she would fail in finding her wolf on her own. The prospect of there being some ancient ritual, though, ate at her. It seemed more certain to work.
But Mikos would keep his secret. She turned her face to the hot stream of water, but the chill of his resolve had seeped into her bones.
Finding her wolf was all she could think about. It would restore the best of her memories. It would make her whole.
Not bothering with a towel or clothing, she fell into her bed naked and wet. The sun was only now setting, but there was nothing left in her. No energy, no desire. She lay there for an hour, her progress through the maze of her thoughts marked by the clock hanging crooked on the wall.