by Grace Palmer
The last time she’d tried to surprise him was at his thirty-fifth birthday party four years ago. She’d promised him a quiet, candlelit evening with just the two of them at a restaurant. But when they showed up to the dinner spot, his friends and coworkers came out of the woodworks to hoot and holler, “Surprise!”
She thought he’d laugh. She did so love his laugh.
He hadn’t laughed, though. Not even a little bit. Instead, he’d stood stock-still in the middle of everyone for one impossibly long moment with his jaw and fists clenched before storming out of the restaurant steaming mad.
He wouldn’t even look at her for a while after she followed him out into the night and tried to figure out what on earth was going on in his brain.
“I just don’t like surprises,” he growled again and again through gritted teeth, as if that explained anything whatsoever.
He seemed like he was terribly close to making her send everyone home. But at the last second, he’d relented and gone back inside. After reluctantly shaking everyone’s hands and doing his rounds, he’d corralled a drink and nursed it by himself in the corner until it was time to go.
Toni didn’t plan any surprises for a long, long while after that.
But for reasons she wasn’t quite prepared to confront at the moment, it had begun to feel important to her over the last couple months to do something big and dramatic in her marriage.
She wished she knew why. If she’d had something she could point to, a specific instance or conversation or something along those lines, she might feel better about this plan she was conjuring up.
But, as frustrating as it was, she didn’t have anything of the sort. All she had was a vague feeling that she ought to do something.
She’d tried to bring her concerns up to Solange or to her sister-in-law Mae or one of her other close friends at least half a dozen times since she’d first noticed the little thread of anxiety unspooling itself in the pit of her stomach. But every time she tried to muster up the words, she fell silent before she could spit it out. It just sounded silly, shrewish, insignificant.
Something’s wrong in my marriage.
Like what? they would inevitably ask her. Did he cheat? Did he lie? Did he hurt you?
No, no, no, nothing of the sort. I can’t say, exactly, can’t quite put my finger on it. But I just know it’s something.
If it sounded silly when she practiced that little exchange in her bathroom mirror, it would certainly sound silly in a conversation with one of her friends.
And if it sounded silly with one of her friends—well, then, Jared was likely to just roll his eyes and stomp out of the house rather than engage with it for even a fraction of a second.
He didn’t have patience for anything that wasn’t concrete, that he couldn’t put his hands on. Toni had always found that funny, kind of ironic, that an artist like him was so insistent on material evidence. But, as with many other things, he didn’t like when she pointed out that irony, so she made sure to steer well clear of it.
Still, the disquiet grew over time as she ignored it rather than shrinking. So after she’d decided that she had to do something, the question then became, what kind of something could she do?
And then one day, the solution had presented itself. They just needed some time to recharge and reconnect, she and Jared. A weekend away on Lake Lanier would be just the ticket. They could celebrate the Fourth of July, their ninth anniversary, and their blooming, everlasting love all at once. Three birds with one stone. Problems solved, presto change-o, cue the happily ever after.
It seemed like a neat answer to their unspecified problems. And besides, Jared had mentioned from time to time over the years that he wanted a boat. Toni figured that he’d get a kick out of renting one and captaining it out from the dock attached to their cabin. Truth be told, she quite liked the thought of a shirtless, suntanned Jared issuing nautical orders.
So she’d dove in headfirst to planning. When Toni Benson put her mind to something, she did it thoroughly. It was part of why she was so good at her job. Working in a law firm, especially with the high-powered, “I want that document on my desk by yesterday!” types who owned the practice that employed her, meant never missing a step.
She hadn’t grown up wanting to be a paralegal. Mostly because not a single human being on earth grows up wanting to be a paralegal. But it suited her in its own stiff, paper-shuffling sort of way. There was a part of her soul that sang aloud when all the numbers in the spreadsheets tied out, or when she could clear the stacks of paper from her desk at the end of a satisfying work day and say, “Ahhh, all done.”
She didn’t need romance in her workplace. She had that at home. Or rather, she used to. And after she and Jared had their weekend away, wrapped up in each other, she’d have it back again in spades.
“Show me again, then, honey,” Solange said. She was a wonderfully patient woman, thoughtful and kind, and Toni was glad to have her friendship now.
“You’re the best,” Toni murmured. She turned to her screen and started clicking through the photos one by one.
The cabin on the shore that she’d chosen really was gorgeous. The first picture showed a long wooden dock that reached out like a finger to stroke the surface of the lake. The water around it was still, smooth, and so blue that it made her eyes hurt. She was already savoring the thought of unwinding out there in the evening, sipping a glass of wine as the sun set over the trees in the distance.
The rest of the house was just as cute. It was one of those homes built to coax its residents out onto the wraparound porch whenever possible. Half of the porch was screened in and festooned with fans to keep beating at the lazy summer air while someone snoozed in the hammock or one of the big, cozy rocking chairs. The other part was open to the breeze. Tasteful red cloth upholstery tied together all of the patio furniture.
Indoors was rustic and snug. Blond wooden beams held up the ceiling, the stairs, the mantlepiece, and the railings that lined the walkways between upstairs bedrooms. She loved how the light of the homey, DIY mason jar lamps in the kitchen added a warm shimmer to the wooden cabinetry.
And the master bedroom upstairs, with its massive French double doors, opened right up onto a second intimate porch holding another pair of rocking chairs that practically had “Jared” and “Toni” written on them already.
“If he doesn’t like that, then you’re gonna have to throw the whole man out,” Solange said wryly.
Toni laughed, maybe a little louder than she intended to. She glimpsed Rogelio, one of the sterner partners, glance up in irritation from his corner office.
“Just tell me one more time that he’ll love it.”
“Honey,” Solange said, resting a comforting hand on Toni’s forearm. “He’s going to love it. Just ease up. Have a fun weekend. Drink some wine, smooch your hubby, watch the sunset. You’re gonna have fun, okay, doll?”
When she said it like that, there was no room for disagreement. Toni smiled. This time, she meant it.
A little while later, it was finally quitting time, thank the Lord. Toni swept her things into her bag, turned off her computer, and spent a minute making sure that everything was neatly organized so she could start tomorrow with a clean slate.
She was just about to turn and head for her car in the parking lot when Rogelio strode up to her desk and announced his arrival with a rap of his knuckles.
“Hi, Rog,” Toni said with a smile. “You need anything from me? I was just about to head out.”
Rogelio was a tall, tanned man from the Philippines with a shiny bald spot and big hands that were constantly in motion. He had a way of talking, sort of stern and borderline angry, that some of the other paralegals found intimidating or condescending. But his mannerisms had never bothered Toni. He just liked work to be done right, and she liked doing it right. In fact, they got along fairly well.
“Did you get the deposition transcripts from the Martinelli trial finished?”
“The corone
r’s or the husband’s?” she asked immediately.
“Husband’s.”
She nodded. “In your inbox already. The coroner’s, too, actually,” she added with a wink.
“Did you set up the admin hearing for the Gantt Co. case?”
“July 17th, 4 p.m.”
“Did you—”
“Dr. Tompkins from Georgia Tech will be providing expert testimony on the blood spatters, the latest draft of the motion for retrial is uploaded to the firm’s cloud, and I sent the appendices for the two memos in the Buchanan thing over to Desiree to approve.”
Rogelio, for a change, was actually smiling by the time Toni was done listing off rapid-fire all the tasks that she’d already squared away.
“You know, sometimes I don’t know why I even bother to ask. You are always on top of things. What would we do without you, Toni?” he mused playfully.
She laughed. “You’d find a way.”
“I’m not so sure we would.”
“Need anything else from me before I head out?”
“No, no,” he said, waving a hand in a fatherly sort of way at her. “Go home. Tell Jared I said hello.”
“Will do. Have a good night, Rogelio. G’night, Solange!”
She waved goodbye to everyone as she looped her purse over her shoulder and strode out into the early evening sun.
Atlanta traffic being what it was, the drive home was agonizingly long. But that was all right with Toni. She usually did her best thinking on her commute to and from work. Something about the warm silence of the car and the sun rising or setting over the downtown skyscrapers always kept the wheels in her head turning nicely.
She spent the first fifteen minutes going over and over the plan for the lakehouse. They would get there on Sunday, two days before the Fourth, so they could unpack, unwind, and make a quick run to the grocery store to pick up food and wine for the remainder of their vacation.
She had a menu planned already—seared scallops with endive and radicchio, which would pair perfectly with the buttery, oaky chardonnay she had in mind—and was smiling at the thought of strolling down the dock after dinner, hand in hand with Jared, to watch the boaters heading home in the dying evening light.
Just then, her cell phone started to buzz in her purse. She fished it out and smiled even bigger when she saw who was calling.
“Mae, dear!” she cooed. “How are you?”
“Up to my eyeballs in stuff to do, as always,” Mae replied, though Toni could hear the hint of a smile on the edge of her voice.
“You wouldn’t have it any other way,” Toni said with a laugh.
“No, of course not. But I reserve the right to complain.”
“Hey,” Toni said, “you’re the one who chose to marry my brother. I could’ve told you that he wouldn’t exactly be fumbling all over himself to help you with the household stuff.”
Mae laughed at that. “Oh God, no, I don’t let him anywhere near the chores. Last time I told him to do the dishes, he scrubbed all the finish off my best cast iron skillet. I darn near made him sleep in the doghouse for the night.”
“Head in the clouds, that one,” Toni agreed. “You guys good?”
“We’re fabulous, hon, of course.”
“How’re the kids?”
“Let’s see. Give me one sec, I just have to remember their names…”
Toni chuckled. “How you manage four of them is beyond me. Especially a little terror on wheels like your youngest.”
“Brent is a devil with an angel’s smile,” Mae agreed. “It amazes me to this day how quick he took to running. He crawled for all of three steps before he decided it wasn’t fast enough for him. Come to think of it, Sara was much the same.”
“The two of them have a lot of fire. It’s a good thing your older ones balance them out a bit.”
“That they do,” Mae said. “Although that’s hard in its own way. Eliza is fourteen, and she is certainly proving that everything folks say about teenage girls is true.”
Toni furrowed her brow. “Have you two been butting heads?”
“No, not quite. She’s so… inwardly focused, I suppose. Does very well at school, so it’s not that. Does well at everything, actually. But she keeps things quite close to the chest. I just worry about her, is all.”
“That’s your job, hon. But Eliza is a smart cookie. She’ll be just fine. I have no doubt about that.”
“Of course, of course.”
“And Holly?”
“Sweet as molasses. Loves her momma, loves her daddy, loves her siblings, loves her life.”
Toni grinned. “Truer words have never been spoken. That one is heaven-sent.” She could hear the clink and clatter of plates in the background. Mae must be preparing dinner for the family. “What’re you serving up tonight?”
“I’m tired, so I took the easy way out and made meatloaf,” Mae said absent-mindedly.
Toni rolled her eyes. “I know darn well what that means, Mae. You aren’t fooling anyone. You’ve probably been in the kitchen all afternoon sculpting a meatloaf made by the angels.”
“Shush,” Mae scolded playfully, “you don’t know that.”
“Somehow, I think I hit the nail on the head.”
“Well, anyways,” said Mae with a laugh, changing the subject, “the reason I was calling in the first place was because Henry told me you had news about the Fourth. Are you and Jared still coming up?”
“Oh!” Toni exclaimed, feeling suddenly guilty. “That blockhead didn’t fill you in? Lord, I could bop him sometimes. I’m so sorry for the last minute change, Mae, but Jared and I are going to get a little cabin up by Lake Lanier for the weekend instead of coming home to Nantucket.”
“That’s a bummer!” Mae said sadly. “We’re going to miss the two of you here. The fireworks show is not the same without Aunt Toni and Uncle Jared around.”
“I know, I know. But I think—I think we need this.”
Mae must’ve picked up on the shift in Toni’s tone, because all she said was a soft, “Oh?”
“Yeah,” Toni said, gnawing at her lip again, just like she’d been doing all day. The traffic in front of her had hardly budged since she’d gotten on the phone with Mae. Suddenly, she felt uncomfortable in the car, like she wanted to get out right this instant. Gone were the happy vibes she’d felt upon leaving the office, the certainty that this lakehouse plan was the remedy for the niggling doubts she had done her best to ignore for months now. In their place, she just felt clammy and itchy and impatient.
“Is everything okay with the two of you?” Mae asked carefully.
Toni thought about unloading the blabbing stream-of-consciousness anxieties she’d kept bottled up for so long. It still wouldn’t make any sense, and there was no telling if it would make her feel any better. But she felt the urge to do so nonetheless.
The problem was that Mae just wouldn’t understand. That wasn’t her fault—it was just that she and Toni’s brother, Henry, were so head-over-heels in love with each other that there wasn’t even the slightest bit of room for doubts to creep in.
It would be wrong of Toni to be mad or jealous about that. It was such a sweet thing that a love like theirs could exist in this world. Whenever she saw the two of them holding hands under the dinner table or glanced at a family picture and saw Henry’s protective arm draped over Mae’s shoulders, her heart softened a little bit.
But it always hardened up again right after. Because, as much as she wanted that from Jared, it wasn’t forthcoming.
Yet.
Maybe things were going to change. Maybe, like a good wine, her marriage just needed some time to mature into something delicate and beautiful like what Henry and Mae had.
The story sounded convincing enough that she decided not to answer Mae’s question honestly. So, instead of opening up, she blew a stray hair back from her forehead and said with a laugh in her voice, “Oh, we’re lovely. Better than ever, actually. Jared just got hired for a big project that starts
the week of the holiday, though, so we couldn’t find a way to make the travel work. This was the next best thing.”
“Oh, well, that’s fabulous then!” Mae said cheerily.
“Yeah, yeah,” Toni said, still clinging to the bravado she’d mustered up. “Anyways, sorry to cut you off, but traffic is a bear right now, so I should probably focus on driving.”
“Of course. Love you, Toni. Talk soon. And if we don’t speak before then, have a lovely trip to the lake!”
“Love you, too, Mae. Tell my oaf of a brother and your sweet little kids I said hello.”
“Will do. Buh-bye.”
They hung up and Toni let the phone fall in her lap. Part of her was sad that they wouldn’t be going to Nantucket. There was no place quite like her home. But after the phone call with Mae, she suddenly wasn’t sure that going there would be a good idea either.
Mae loved her husband and loved her kids and they all loved her. They had a happy home, a full home.
And that, more than anything, was what Toni was missing.
She and Jared had chatted about having children on and off through the years, though it had never led anywhere. Jared hadn’t ever said it outright, but Toni got the feeling that he had no intention of raising a family. At least, no intention of raising a family with her.
Perhaps it wasn’t fair to him to add that last part, since he’d given no indication that it was something wrong with Toni in particular that stood in the way of their having kids together. But she just had a feeling. And, like the feelings of doubt creeping into her relationship, they wouldn’t go away, no matter how hard she tried to ignore them.
The lake would fix things. She looked in the rearview mirror and said it out loud, as if to test the truth of it. “The lake will fix things.”
Say it again, she whispered internally. One more time, with feeling.
“The lake will fix things.”
She wanted so badly to believe it. But in the musty silence of the car, it didn’t sound convincing at all.
Click here to keep reading NO LOVE LIKE NANTUCKET!
A Note from the Author