andthey looked at him with ill-concealed curiosity.
They seemed divided into two groups. Clustered at one end of the longhall was a group of Earthers who seemed completely identical, all withthe same features, looking like so many dolls in a row. These were theEarthers he remembered, the ones whom the plastic surgeons had hacked atand hewn until they all conformed to the prevailing concept of beauty.
Then at the other end was a different group. They were all different.Some had glittering jewels set in their foreheads, others had no lips,no hair, extra eyes, three nostrils. They were a weird and frighteninggroup, highest product of the plastic surgeon's art.
Both groups were staring silently at Rolf.
"Friends, this is Rolf--Rolf--"
"Dekker," Rolf said after a pause. He had almost forgotten his own lastname.
"Rolf Dekker, just back from outer space. I've invited him to join ustonight. I think you'll enjoy meeting him."
The stony silence slowly dissolved into murmurs of polite conversationas the party-goers adjusted to the presence of the newcomer. Theyseemed to be discussing the matter earnestly among themselves, as ifQuinton had done something unheard-of by bringing a Spacer into anEarther party.
A tall girl with blonde hair drifted up to him.
"Ah. Jonne," Quinton said. He turned to Rolf. "This is Jonne. She askedto be your companion at the party. She's very interested in space andthings connected with it."
Things connected with it, Rolf thought. Meaning me. He looked at her.She was as tall an Earther as he had yet seen, and probably suffered forit when there were no Spacers around. Furthermore, he suspected, herheight was accentuated for the evening by special shoes. She was not ofthe Individ persuasion, because her face was well-shaped, with smooth,even features, with no individualist distortion. Her skin was unstained.She wore a clinging off-the-breast tunic. Quite a dish, Rolf decided. Hebegan to see that he might enjoy this party.
* * * * *
The other guests began to approach timidly, now that the initial shockof his presence had worn off. They asked silly little questions aboutspace--questions which showed that they had only a superficial interestin him and were treating him as a sort of talking dog. He answered asmany as he could, looking down at their little painted faces withconcealed contempt.
_They think as little of me as I do of them._ The thought hit himsuddenly and his broad face creased in a smile at the irony. Then themusic started.
* * * * *
The knot of Earthers slowly broke up and drifted away to dance. Helooked at Jonne, who had stood patiently at his side through all this.
"I don't dance," he said. "I never learned how." He watched the othercouples moving gracefully around the floor, looking for all the worldlike an assemblage of puppets. He stared in the dim light, watching thecouples clinging to each other as they rocked through the motions of thedance. He stood against the wall, wearing his ugliness like a shield. Hesaw the great gulf which separated him from the Earthers spreadingbefore him, as he watched the dancers and the gay chatter and the emptybadinage and the furtive hand-holding, and everything else from which hewas cut off. The bizarre Individs were dancing together--he noticed oneman putting an extra arm to full advantage--and the almost identicalConforms had formed their own group again. Rolf wondered how they toldeach other apart when they all looked alike.
"Come on," Jonne said. "I'll show you how to dance." He turned to lookat her, with her glossy blonde hair and even features. She smiledprettily, revealing white teeth. _Probably newly purchased?_ Rolfwondered.
"Actually I do know how to dance," Rolf said. "But I do it so badly--"
"That doesn't matter," she said gaily. "Come on."
She took his arm. Maybe she doesn't think I look like an ape, hethought. She doesn't treat me the way the others do. But why am I sougly, and why is she so pretty?
He looked at her and she looked at him, and he felt her glance on hisstubbly face with its ferocious teeth and burning yellowish eyes. Hedidn't want her to see him at all; he wished he had no face.
He folded her in his arms, feeling her warmth radiate through him. Shewas very tall, he realized, almost as tall as a Spacer woman--but withnone of the harsh ruggedness of the women of Spacertown. They danced,she well, he clumsily. When the music stopped she guided him to theentrance of a veranda.
They walked outside into the cool night air. The lights of the cityobscured most of the stars, but a few still showed, and the moon hunghigh above Yawk. He could dimly make out the lights of Spacertown acrossthe river, and he thought again of Laney and Kanaday and wished Kanadaycould see him now with this beautiful Earther next to him.
"You must get lonely in space," she said after a while.
"I do," he said, trying to keep his voice gentle. "But it's where Ibelong. I'm bred for it."
She nodded. "Yes. And any of those so-called men inside would give tenyears of his life to be able to go to space. But yet you say it'slonely."
* * * * *
"Those long rides through the night," he said. "They get you down. Youwant to be back among people. So you come back. You come back. And whatdo you come back to?"
"I know," she said softly. "I've seen Spacertown."
"Why must it be that way?" he demanded. "Why are Spacers so lucky andso wretched all at once?"
"Let's not talk about it now," she said.
I'd like to kiss her, he thought. But my face is rough, and I'm roughand ugly, and she'd push me away. I remember the pretty little Earthergirls who ran laughing away from me when I was thirteen and fourteen,before I went to space.
"You don't have to be lonely," she said. One of her perfect eyebrowslifted just a little. "Maybe someday you'll find someone who cares,Rolf. Someday, maybe."
"Yeah," he said. "Someday, maybe." But he knew it was all wrong. Couldhe bring this girl to Spacertown with him? No; she must be merelyplaying a game, looking for an evening's diversion. Something new: makelove to a Spacer.
They fell silent and he watched her again, and she watched him. He heardher breath rising and falling evenly, not at all like his own thickgasps. After a while he stepped close to her, put his arm around her,tilted her head into the crook of his elbow, bent, and kissed her.
As he did it, he saw he was botching it just like everything else. Hehad come too close, and his heavy boot was pressing on the tip of hershoe; and he had not quite landed square on her lips. But still, he wasclose to her. He was reluctant to break it up, but he felt she was onlyhalf-responding, not giving anything of herself while he had given all.He drew back a step.
She did not have time to hide the expression of distaste thatinvoluntarily crossed her face. He watched the expression on her face asshe realized the kiss was over. He watched her silently.
"Someday, maybe," he said. She stared at him, not hiding the fear thatwas starting to grow on her face.
He felt a cold chill deep in his stomach, and it grew until it passedthrough his throat and into his head.
"Yeah," he said. "Someday, maybe. But not you. Not anyone who's justplaying games. That's all--you want something to tell your friendsabout, that's why you volunteered for tonight's assignment. It's all youcan do to keep from laughing at me, but you're sticking to it. I don'twant any of it, hear me? Get away."
She stepped back a pace. "You ugly, clumsy clown. You ape!" Tears beganto spoil the flawless mask of her face. Blinded with anger, he grabbedroughly for her arm, but she broke away and dashed back inside.
She was trying to collect me, he thought. Her hobby: interesting dates.She wanted to add me to her collection. An Experience. Calmly he walkedto the end of the veranda and stared off into the night, choking hisrage. He watched the moon making its dead ride across the sky, andstared at the sprinkling of stars. The night was empty and cold, hethought, finally. But not more so than I.
* * * * *
He turned and looked back th
rough the half-opened window. He saw a girlwho looked almost like her, but was not tall enough and wore a differentdress. Then he spotted her. She was dancing with one of the Conforms, afrail-looking man a few inches shorter than she, with regular, handsomefeatures. She laughed at some sly joke, and he laughed with her.
Rolf watched the moon for a moment more, thinking of Laney's warning._They just want to make fun of you. Look at the big ape, they'll say._
He knew he had to get out of there immediately. He was a Spacer, andthey were Earthers, and he scorned them for being contemptuous littledolls, and they laughed at him for being a hulking ape. He was not amember of their species; he was not part of their world.
He went inside. Kal Quinton
The Happy Unfortunate Page 3