by Wood, J N
‘Neither do I,’ Shannon said. ‘But I think it’s all been some kind of biological attack. The virus was stage one, wiping out millions of lives. The zombies are stage two, wiping out whoever is left. The virus was designed to only last a few days, and the zombies were designed to only kill, not make more zombies. So hopefully that means they’ll waste away and die soon. Well, die again.’
‘I’m not saying you’re not right. But did you come up with this theory after you got bitten?’ I asked.
‘Some of it I did, yeah,’ she replied. ‘It’s still a big if, but, if it is another country wanting to wipe us off the planet–.'
‘It’ll be Trump’s fault,’ Michael called out, still facing forwards. ‘He’ll have gone too far and annoyed the wrong world leader.’
‘Anyway,’ Shannon continued. ‘They’re not going to want a killer virus and zombies roaming the country afterwards.’
‘Unless they have an antidote,’ Jack suggested.
‘What about the internet and phones all going down?’ I asked. ‘Any theories on that?’
‘The Chinese, the North Koreans, the Russians maybe?’ Shannon replied. ‘They’re always hacking into things over here, and in your country.’
I shrugged my shoulders. ‘Yep, could all be true. Just let me know if you’re considering eating me. Is this your speciality, bioweapons and the like?’
‘No, not at all. I develop smart novel bio-electronic nano-systems for studying cellular processes on a molecular scale.’
‘What the fuck?’ I said.
‘Sorry,’ Shannon said. ‘It’s really all about the fundamental study of charge transfer from prokaryotic and eukaryotic cells, in addition to break through methodologies of surface functionalization and control of the nano-scale.’
All I could say was, ‘Okay.’ I caught Jack’s eye, all he could do was smile and shrug his shoulders. ‘Anyway,’ I added. ‘Don’t suppose you’ve got any food?’
Jack got up and walked towards the back of the bus, he stopped a couple of rows back, returning with a plastic bag. He held it in front of me. ‘Take your pick,’ he said. ‘It’s a lucky dip.’
I pulled out an energy bar and a packet of crisps. ‘Ta very much.’
‘There should be some cans of Diet Pepsi under your seat Chris,’ Jack said, before offering the bag to Shannon.
‘How are you really feeling?’ I asked Shannon.
‘Honestly? No different.’ Her hand came out of the bag holding a Mars bar. She pulled a face, and dropped it back in to look for something else. ‘The bite still hurts a bit, but there is no sensation of the zombie infection rushing through my veins. Or anything like that.’
‘She’s fine,’ Michael repeated.
It only took an hour for us to get out of the built up areas. The road was soon surrounded by tree covered hills, a world away from the devastated towns I’d spent the last few days and nights. It was a weird feeling not driving or navigating, but not entirely unwelcome. It was a relief to take a bit of the pressure off.
‘Sorry guys, I need to take fucking shit,’ Gee said, as the bus started to slow.
‘Gee, I’ve told you about too much information,’ Shannon said. ‘Just say you need to use the bathroom.’
‘I do not need bathroom,’ he replied. ‘I just need fucking shit.’
I laughed as Shannon leaned back and rolled her eyes to the ceiling.
Gee parked the bus at the side of the road. After grabbing some toilet roll and a torch, he left through the front doors. Michael and Shannon followed, presumably not to watch him take a shit.
‘Where’s your baseball bat?’ Jack asked me.
‘Lost it in the snow a few days ago, I think.’
‘You’re in luck,’ he said, reaching under the seat in front of him. ‘Because I’ve graduated to this.’
He sat back up straight, an axe in both hands. The wooden handle was about two foot long, and the axe’s head was about the size of his face.
‘Are you okay to swing that around?’ I asked.
‘Not at the moment, but I will be.’
‘Why does it mean I’m in luck?’
He reached back down and picked up a baseball bat, it looked just like my Brooklyn Smasher. ‘Because I don’t need this anymore. They had it in the Austin School and said I could take it.’ He passed it to me across the bus. ‘It’s yours. If you want it.’
‘Yeah, cheers mate. I was thinking I’d have to do a bit of shopping for one. Thanks very much.’
‘No problem,’ he said.
It was almost identical to the one I’d lost, just with less blood stains.
‘My turn to drive,’ Michael said as he climbed back aboard, slipping into the driver’s seat.
‘Okay, I’ll map read,’ Shannon said, following her husband up the stairs.
A few seconds later Gee’s head appeared through the doorway, he looked irritated when he spotted Michael in his seat. ‘I am fucking tired, I go to sleep,’ he said, and marched down to the back of the bus, stretching out on the back seats.
‘Aren’t you gonna need a sick bucket?’ I asked Shannon.
‘No, don’t seem to get travel sick on the bus. It only happens in cars and boats.’
‘How far are you expecting to get tonight?’ Jack asked.
‘You should never expect anything my British friend,’ Michael replied.
Jack rolled his eyes and waited.
A few seconds passed by before Michael said, ‘I’m hoping we can get to a place by the name of Bend. It’s about seven hours away, give or take.’
‘Do you do the same thing as your wife Michael?’ I asked. ‘Whatever that may be.’
‘No, my new British friend. I am a high school math teacher. Or I was one.’
‘They’ll still have teachers in Canada,’ Shannon said.
‘Teachers in Canada? What a peculiar notion my dear wife.’
‘Stop showing off Michael,’ Shannon said. ‘Right now you’re a bus driver, so drive the bus.’
‘Why yes, of course,’ he replied.
I decided to take a leaf out of Big Gee’s book, so I sat back and closed my eyes.
‘Chris! Gee! Wakey wakey,’ someone was shouting, it sounded like Michael’s voice. I opened my eyes and sat up, just as Gee walked by the end of my seat.
‘Sorry fellas,’ Michael said. ‘The road is blocked. It’ll be quieter if you two move the vehicles, rather than us just driving through them.’
I looked out of the window. Buildings loomed out of the darkness.
‘Where are we?’ I asked.
‘Redding,’ Shannon said.
‘Reading?’
‘Wake up Chris,’ Jack said. ‘Redding, California. Not Reading, England. It’s the zombie apocalypse. There are no Russians attacking you. Just a Lithuanian that needs your help.’
I raised my fist towards Jack and very slowly extended my middle finger. ‘Can we not drive around?’ I asked, trying to stifle a yawn.
‘No, sorry,’ Michael said. ‘There are trees on the left and…’ He trailed off, peering through the windscreen. ‘And something on the right, maybe a church. There’s no way around. It’s only about six or seven cars deep, and then it’s clear, as far as I can tell. Twelve cars to move, that should do it.’
As I passed Jack, I spoke in a baby voice, ‘Ooh, I’ve got broken ribs and one eye, so I can’t help the big boys.’
Jack shrugged. ‘All very true.’
I got to the door before I remembered I’d need a weapon. I took the little axe out of the side of my bag. My new Smasher would be a bit too cumbersome to carry while pushing vehicles.
Michael pressed the button to open the doors, and I followed the big Lithuanian out into the surprisingly cold night.
We made quick work of pushing the cars out of the way, the drop in temperature probably speeding us up. Gee and I made a good team, barely speaking to each other, but otherwise getting the job done.
Most of the cars had been locked. Unsurprisingly, that i
ncluded the last car that needed to be moved. After borrowing my axe and having a quick glance around, Gee smashed the driver’s side window. He leaned in and placed the gear lever into drive.
Gee’s head quickly popped back up at the sound of hissing. I heard it at exactly the same time, spinning around to find the source.
‘Gee, can you see it?’ I quickly spluttered.
‘No,’ he replied, passing me back my axe and unslinging his crossbow.
I couldn’t pinpoint the source of the hissing, because it was coming from all around us.
The headlights from the bus picked up a figure, heading straight for Gee. Rather than warn him, it was quicker for me to step into its path. I slammed the blunt end of the axe into the thing’s face. Its head erupted, splattering the back of Gee with thick, almost black blood. The headless body slumped to the ground and skidded across the tarmac, straight into the side of the car next to us.
I looked at the axe in my hand. That was easy. Its head just disintegrated.
‘Move Chris! Back to bus!’ Gee shouted.
We both set off at a sprint. Four or five, maybe six zombies were definitely going to intercept us before we made it back.
Two of them went down in quick succession, with arrows sticking out of the back of their heads. Michael and Shannon were stood in the doorway, illuminated by the internal light of the bus. Gee stopped and took aim with his crossbow, taking another down, before starting to run again.
Two zombies were sprinting for me, so I aimed for the closest one. At the last second, I went to go one way but changed direction. The zombie missed me, losing what little balance it had, and tumbling to the ground.
I slowed down to an almost complete stop as the second neared. I timed my swing perfectly, like a cricket swing, upper cutting and connecting with its chin. Again, the head exploded, this time the contents shot upwards, before falling to splatter onto me. The decapitated body instantly slammed into the ground.
Either I’m suddenly much better at this zombie killing lark, or these ones are much slower and weaker than usual.
I looked over to see Gee firing another arrow. It was a perfect shot, skewering a zombie through its wide open mouth, instantly ending its hissing.
‘Run!’ Jack, Shannon and Michael all shouted.
We both set off running. Even with Gee slowing to retrieve his arrows, we were back inside the bus within seconds. Michael was repeatedly jamming his fist into the button to close the door.
I was struggling to catch my breath. ‘Maybe just use the bus to move the last car,’ I gasped.
Michael put his foot down, aiming for the final car blocking our path. More shapes were appearing from the gloom.
‘We must have woken them up,’ Shannon said, as she gripped onto the back of Michael’s seat.
‘Everyone hold on!’ Michael shouted.
I braced myself against the seat in front. When we collided with the car I was forced forward, almost smashing my mouth into the back of the seat. The car was catapulted into the air after being scooped up by the plough, loudly crashing back down to earth after clipping the side of the bus.
Michael had a quick glance behind him. ‘That could have been bad,’ he muttered.
I obviously wanted everyone to believe me about the night time swarms, but I was actually hoping we wouldn’t see another one. This was definitely looking like one of the big ones.
More and more of them were coming out of the shadows, spilling onto the road in front of us. I looked at Jack. His eyes were fixed on the zombies.
Michael was trying to steer around them, but there was only a slither of clear road left to use.
‘Just drive through them,’ I shouted.
‘Okay, but it’s going to get messy again,’ Michael said, flicking the windscreen wipers on.
Zombies started to make contact with us. The snow plough decimated their bodies, splattering them onto the front of the bus.
‘Maybe you’re asleep Jack?’ I said. ‘Maybe this is just a dream? Would you like me to repeatedly punch you in the face? Just to make sure you’re awake.’
‘No thanks,’ Jack said flatly, still staring straight ahead.
The sound of zombies thudding into the plough and splattering across the windscreen blocked out everything else. For what seemed like an eternity, but probably only thirty seconds, we crowded around Michael in the driver’s seat and stared out. Thankfully the swarm did start to thin, eventually down to nothing.
‘I think it’s fair to say Chris was telling the truth,’ Shannon said, once we were clear.
‘Yeah, obviously. Thanks very much,’ I said.
‘I always know he tell truth,’ Gee said.
I shot him a confused look.
Gee clapped me on the shoulder, saying, ‘You did good.’ He walked to the back of the bus and started to rummage through his bag.
I turned back to the others and shrugged, gesturing towards Gee with my thumb. ‘What the fuck happened then?’
‘I did tell you,’ Shannon said, handing me a packet of tissues. ‘Takes him a while to warm up. I thought it would take longer than a day though.’
I started using the tissues to wipe the blood from my face. Looking to Shannon, and pointing at the gauze taped to my face, I asked, ‘Do I need this changing?’
‘Yeah, we better change it,’ she said, already reaching for her bag.
‘How much longer to Bend?’ Jack asked. ‘Will we get there before the sun comes up?’
‘About four or five hours, so we should be,’ Shannon replied.
‘What difference does it make now?’ Michael asked.
‘There’s still fewer of them at night than during the day,’ I said.
‘How do we know that?’ Shannon asked, as she pulled out her first aid kit. ‘We kept someone on watch during the day back in Austin, but they would never see anything. I never saw zombies roaming about when it was my turn. When was the last time you went out during the day Chris?’
‘It will have been when Jack and I first got to Austin. There were definitely a lot of them around then. Enough to roll us down a hill. Tens of thousands of them.’
‘We’ve been doing nights for a while now,’ Jack said. ‘Hopefully we’re only a few days away from Canada. Why not just stay as we are for a bit longer?’
‘Oh, actually,’ I remembered. ‘I was out during the day when I was up in the snowy hills. I barely saw anything then. But I was in the middle of nowhere.’
‘Okay,’ Shannon said. ‘Nobody likes change, so let’s stay as we are.’
‘I don’t mind driving,’ Michael said. ‘But could people stay awake? Just to keep an eye out.’
A loud snore erupted from the back of the bus.
‘At least everyone apart from Gee,’ Michael added.
We agreed and sat ourselves down. Shannon swapped my gauze for a clean one, making sure the wound underneath was healing okay. I stared out of the clean section of the windscreen. The parts the wipers couldn’t reach were a very dark, almost black colour.
We sat in silence for a long time. Everyone must have been considering what the night time swarms meant for us.
‘Michael,’ I said.
‘Yes Christopher,’ he replied.
‘Would you rather be completely bald and have a massive nipple on your head? It’d take up the whole of your hairless scalp. Or would you rather only be able to say one word for the rest of your life? And that one word would be penis.’
‘So I’d look normal, but only be able to say penis?’ Michael asked.
‘Michael,’ Shannon exclaimed. ‘Don’t indulge him please.’
‘What?’ I asked. ‘It’s a perfectly reasonable question.’
‘And incredibly tame for a Chris Would You Rather, could be a lot worse’ Jack said.
‘Don’t worry, the bad ones will come out eventually,’ I said.
‘Can I wear a hat?’ Michael asked.
‘Nope, no hat,’ I replied. ‘You have to proudly show
off your great big nipple head.’
‘I’d go for the penis one, and just learn sign language,’ Michael said. ‘Now give Shannon a bad one.’
‘No thank you,’ Shannon said. ‘I’m perfectly fine with silence.’
‘Okay,’ I said. ‘But I’m not allowing the sign language get out clause.’ I turned to Shannon and said, ‘Would you rather have sex with one half of conjoined twins, where the other half is a zombie, or the other half is your dad?’
‘How would that be possible?’ Shannon asked. ‘My dad isn’t one half of conjoined twins.’
‘I don’t think you’re getting the point of the game darling,’ Michael said.
‘Oh, and also, your dad would be furiously masturbating,’ I added.
‘No!’ Shannon declared. ‘I’m not playing this disgusting game.’
‘You don’t watch movies, and you refuse to discuss your father masturbating,’ I said. ‘I don’t know what else to talk about then.’
Michael, Jack and I quietly chuckled as we drove further into the darkness.
A few hours later, Michael announced we were crossing into Oregon, and a new road map was produced by Shannon. The roads had been clear, but the snow had started to fall.
Hopefully the snow plough would be able to do its job.
Not long after crossing the border, Shannon took over the driving, and Michael took the navigator job. Gee had also joined us at the front of the bus.
‘So Gee, what’s Gee short for?’ I asked.
‘Short for. What does this mean?’ he responded.
I tried again. ‘What is your real name?’
‘You cannot say it properly, so I use Gee,’ he said.
‘I haven’t even tried it. You never know, I might be able to say it.’
‘Yeah Gee,’ Michael said. ‘What is your real name?’
‘When I first come to America, people say it wrong, so I use Gee.’
‘Tell us your name Gee,’ Shannon said.
Gee just sat there, ignoring us.
‘Tell us,’ Jack said.
‘First name!’ I shouted.
‘Just tell us your name,’ Jack said.
‘Come on Gee,’ Michael said, laughing.
Jack and I started to chant, ‘Name, name, name, name, name…’
‘Okay, okay. Fucking shut up. I tell you,’ Gee shouted. ‘You are like my…’ he started, before trailing off.