“Zondi is desperate for a break and a bit of window-dressing, and it’s always dangerous when you’re desperate. That’s why I didn’t want Greyling to talk to you. I knew you’d do it.”
Ellie pulled back her shoulders. “It doesn’t matter who talked to me. It’s my choice whether I want to do it or not.”
“What do you think your father would have said?”
Ellie felt herself getting hot under the collar. “That’s a cheap shot.”
He took off his glasses, rubbed his eyes and leaned back in his chair. “No, it’s not. We both know he had excellent instincts and you know as well as I do that he would’ve said it’s a bad idea.”
“Don’t you think I can do it?”
“No, and I know you’re going to say it has nothing to do with me, but I feel it’s my job to look out for you. Any other time I may not have objected, but you can’t make a decision like this with your father barely in his grave. You’re not thinking straight. And I owe it to him to —”
“No one owes him anything. He made his choices, just as I must make mine.”
“Mac, don’t get all worked up. You know what I mean.”
“I’m just saying. I’m old enough to make my own decisions.”
“And I’m not saying you’re not, but I want you to think it through. Greyling makes it sound as if it’ll be a walk in the park, but believe me, it’s going to be a hard slog. Williams and his crowd are a bunch of vultures, the lot of them. Don’t convince yourself that any of them has a heart. Not to mention Allegretti. These are hardened criminals. The fact that Allegretti has managed to keep his hands clean so far doesn’t mean he’s a good guy. They’re brutal fuckers, the lot of them. I want you to look me in the eye and say you heard me loud and clear.”
“Do you think I don’t know that by now? I’ve just about memorised their files. I know what I’m letting myself in for.”
“Let me tell you something – files are one thing. Out there, it’s a totally different ball game.” He ran his hand over his head. “You think you’re smart, but you don’t know how hard it can get. No one knows how long you’ll be there. Have they decided who’ll be your handler?”
“No. I don’t know if Brigadier Zondi has someone in mind.”
“If you decide not to listen to me, and go ahead and do it, ask Zondi to get Barnard. I’ve known him since he was a rookie and I trust him. He may look as thick as pig shit but he has good instincts.”
“I wouldn’t mind having him. We’re a good team.”
He leaned forward in his chair again and rolled his pen between his fingers. “Say what you like, I know you’re going to do it because Greyling is involved. He’s a good cop, but he’s a hothead and that makes him dangerous. This thing with Williams has the potential to blow up in his face and I don’t want you around when that happens. He tends to forget he’s part of a team.”
“I think he understands the implications. The job has always been important to him.”
“The job is important to all of us at some stage.”
“I’ll be careful.”
“If that was all it took, I’d sleep better.” He sighed. “If you feel you don’t have a handle on things and you’re not getting enough support from your own people, call me.”
“Thanks. I will.”
“Keep your head down and don’t do anything stupid. What excuse are you going to give for resigning?”
“Like Albert said, after what happened to my dad, it won’t be totally unexpected.”
“I want to say it again: for the record. I don’t like this one bit. You need to be in a very good place emotionally to pull off this kind of stunt.”
“And you don’t think I’m emotionally up to it?”
“You’re the psychologist. You should know better than anyone whether you’re up to it.”
“I am.” She had convinced herself of it in the small hours of the morning.
“Remember what I told you at the beginning?”
“You said a lot of things.”
“I said you’re passionate, and that’s all very well. It means you care and you’ll work hard, but it can also tempt you into taking unnecessary risks.”
“This has nothing to do with passion. It’s a logical decision. Everyone knows how long we’ve been looking for a break in this case.”
“Just remember, it can’t be about your father. If I find out you’re using the operation to get involved in your father’s case, I’ll remove you myself.”
“I hear you.”
“You still haven’t answered me. What do you think he would have told you if he were here?”
Ellie shifted on her chair, brushed back her hair and crossed her arms. “I think he would’ve said we have no other option.”
She was lying, and she knew that he knew it.
As a child she had loved swimming in the ocean. When a big wave hit you unexpectedly, you had two options. You could fight to stay above water, or you could allow the wave’s energy to carry you along and hope it would push you to shore. More than often, that was the easiest way. Fighting caused panic. Surrendering, strangely enough, gave you a sense of control.
At the moment she needed to feel in control. Even if it meant allowing herself to be tossed around for a while.
Her father always said the job could fuck you up for the rest of your life.
“Come and tell me yourself,” she had said aloud in the dark last night. “Or shut up.”
She was relieved that Ahmed hadn’t probed too deeply when he asked for her reasons.
“I’m ready, Brigadier,” she said. She imagined she saw the curtains stir behind him in the windless air.
Clive was waiting for her at the office. “Where have you been? Zondi is looking for us.”
She hung her handbag on the back of the chair and went along with him. “Do you know what it’s about?”
“The thing with Allegretti and Williams. She called me in this morning, asked if I would help.”
“And?”
He had already knocked on the door and entered without answering.
Brigadier Zondi motioned at the two chairs in front of the desk.
“Sit. I’ve asked Barnard to help. I believe you approve?”
Ellie smiled at Clive. “He’ll have my back, I know.”
“Good. We’ve rented the office in town. Go take a look. Make a list of things you need. I want this up and running as soon as possible.”
“What about my resignation? How long will the paperwork take?”
“Don’t worry about that. We’ll think of something. Say you have leave you’re entitled to. And considering the thing with your father, no one will be too surprised.”
Ellie wondered why everyone referred to the thing with your father. As if it could be any of a number of things.
“Right, if you have any questions, ask. Don’t try to fly solo. This is a team effort, but at the end of the day you’ll be the one out there. Make sure you watch your every step. There’s no room for screw-ups. Not even the slightest one.”
“I understand. I’ll do my best.”
Outside, Clive looked at his watch. “Time to go home. Do you have a beer at your place?”
“Don’t you owe me a drink?”
“I want to talk to you where there are no ears.”
She picked up her handbag and they walked to their cars.
Ellie was home first and took two beers from the fridge. When Clive knocked and she opened the door, she was surprised to see that he was smoking.
“I thought you quit.”
“I did.”
“I could swear that’s a cigarette in your hand.”
He stepped on the butt and kicked it into the plants. She closed the door behind them and motioned towards the back of the house. “It’s stuffy inside.”
They sat under the pergola and opened their beers in silence, sipping and looking out over the city and the harbour.
“I wouldn’t mind coming home to a q
uiet place like this at night. Even for an hour or two. At my place everybody seems to be waiting for me to get home to unpack the whole day’s shit. They shout and argue. Usually the kids haven’t done their homework yet and they and their mom are at each other’s throats and I’m called in to act as ref. It’s a hell of a circus. Even the dog barks when he sees me. Like I’m a fucking burglar.”
“What time does Ansie get home?”
“Depends on whether she has after-school duties. She can’t very well refuse if they ask her. Teaching positions are scarce and we can’t survive without her salary.”
“You’re welcome to come and sit here after work until you’ve gathered your thoughts.”
“If you want murder in the suburbs …” Clive shook his head. “No, I’ll take my punishment like a man.” He turned to her. “Listen to me, and don’t get yourself worked up: Are you sure you’re ready for this operation?”
Ellie sat up straight. “That sounds like a motion of no confidence.”
“Hey, go easy on the tantrums. That’s why I wanted to speak to you alone. Your dad is barely in his grave, Mac. It’s the kind of thing that can affect your judgement. It’s not like he died of a heart attack or something. He’s officially part of the country’s crime statistics. I look at you and I see you just carrying on, as if he were just another cop who didn’t make it.” When she said nothing, he continued. “You know me. I don’t normally do the emotional stuff, but I’ve been in this job long enough to know that somewhere down the line this thing is going to bite you in the arse.”
“What do you suggest I do? Sit in a corner and wait for better days?” Her foot was bouncing up and down.
“No, I just want to make sure you’re not diving headlong into something that could turn out to be a disaster.”
“I appreciate your concern, but I have to know that you trust me not to fuck this up. If you have doubts, maybe you should tell Zondi to find someone else.”
He drank the last of his beer and got to his feet. “I’m going now, before we both say things we’ll regret. Promise me you’ll think about what I said. There’s no need to doubt me.”
On the front steps he turned to her. “You realise that for the time being you won’t be able to see Greyling any time you want?”
“We spoke about it. There’s no other way if we want to make this work.”
He nodded. She followed him with her eyes until he got into his bakkie and drove away. Back inside the house, she put on her running clothes, locked the door and set off down the steep hill. She’d worry about coming back up it later.
On Saturday morning her mother called to say she wanted Ellie’s help to sort through her dad’s clothing.
“I can’t today, Mom, I have work to finish. What’s the hurry?”
“I need the wardrobe space.” Her mom was silent for a moment. “It’s not like he’s coming back.”
Ellie felt water closing over her head and struggled to remain calm. “Do what you want, then, but if you give away anything else that belonged to him, I’m going to be really angry.”
“Then you’d better come and take what you want.”
Ellie worked all day on reports that had to be finished. In her mind’s eye she kept seeing her mom emptying out her dad’s wardrobe. After a while she found herself crouching over the toilet, certain she was going to throw up.
Albert called later, but she didn’t answer the phone.
On Sunday morning she couldn’t get out of bed. Her body felt weak and heavy, and she kept dozing off, dreaming a different chaotic dream every time. Albert phoned a few times but she ignored his calls. Late that afternoon she went for a run along the Sea Point promenade. Back home, she called Albert.
“What the hell happened to you?” he asked. “I was getting worried.”
“I was busy.”
“Too busy to answer the phone?”
“Albert, I don’t feel like being cross-examined. Why were you looking for me?”
“I wanted to say I was coming over, but if you’re in a mood, maybe I should leave it.”
“Do what you want.” She ended the call.
On Monday she realised that the news of her resignation was out, perhaps deliberately so. If she had felt like an accident scene after her dad’s death, it was ten times worse now. A few people said they’d miss her, but most just walked past slowly, trying not to stare. It wasn’t only the fact of her resignation that had spread like wildfire. Rumours and hearsay were added to the mix, until she herself began to wonder what was truth and what fiction.
After lunch Clive came by to ask if she wanted to take a look at the office. She was relieved to have the excuse of having work to finish. She still felt a little hurt by what he’d said at her house on Friday. The inner voice that kept telling her that he wasn’t wrong didn’t help either. She was a psychologist, after all, and no one needed to tell her about these things. She knew only too well what had to happen.
It was just after five when she stopped at her mother’s house. Rika McKenna was sitting on the back steps, the dog at her side. Though Ellie could smell that her mom had been drinking, she was neatly dressed and her hair was combed. It seemed she was having what her dad used to call “a good day”.
“Look at the two of you sitting on the steps!” She kissed her mom’s cheek and sat down beside her.
“This dog is driving me crazy. He doesn’t let me out of his sight. And you know I’ve never been a dog person.”
“He’s probably just afraid you’ll disappear as well.”
“Maybe you should take him.”
“I can’t lock him up inside all day. Besides, my garden is the size of a postage stamp. It wouldn’t be fair to him. And he’s company for you.”
“What in God’s name made you and your father think I’d like a dog for company? He said the same thing.”
“I don’t want to argue about a dog, Mom. I’m here to tell you something.”
“Are you pregnant?”
“No, Mom, I’m not pregnant. I resigned from my job.”
Her mother turned her head and looked at Ellie for a long time. “About time. But how will you survive? You can’t live with me.”
“I’ll find another job, Mom. There’s already a possibility. You don’t have to worry that I’ll be a burden to you.”
“Are you in trouble?”
“No, but I think it’s a good time to get out.”
Her mom rubbed the dog’s ear distractedly. “Everyone always thought I was his great love, but that’s not true. He had only one love. The bloody job … and you, of course.”
Ellie listened to the neighbours’ kids playing under the sprinkler in their garden.
“Cindy! Hell, no, man, the kids are wasting water. Can’t you see what they’re doing?” the man roared. “I work my fingers to the bone. Do you expect me to look after the kids as well?”
She heard the kids whining as the gush of the sprinkler fell silent.
“I said ten minutes and no longer,” the young wife called from the kitchen. “The lawn needs watering anyway.”
“But at the end of the month you complain if there’s no money for all kinds of shit. Remember to sit on your green lawn while you’re complaining.”
“Don’t talk like that in front of the kids. The whole neighbourhood can hear you.”
A door slammed and the voices faded.
Suburban bliss, Ellie thought.
A car stopped at the house across the road. New people. A father, mother, teenaged daughter and two younger boys. They seemed a happy family. The mother and daughter were at each other’s throats now and again, usually about clothes or boys. Other than that, they kept to themselves.
“Do you feel like grabbing a bite at the Spur?”
“I’ve had lunch. I’m not hungry.”
Ellie was sure it wasn’t true, but she didn’t feel like disturbing the tenuous peace. Neither did she have the guts to ask whether her dad’s cupboard was empty.
; “I’ll make some toast.”
“Don’t you have to go home? Isn’t Albert waiting for you?”
“We’re not married, Mom. We don’t wait for each other.”
Her mom was still rubbing the dog’s ear. “I’m so angry with him.”
“Albert? What did he do?”
“Your dad.”
Ellie didn’t know whether she should reply. Before she could decide, her mom continued.
“He promised we’d do nice things when he retired. And now? Now I’m alone, stuck with a dog. It’s not what he promised me.”
“Mom, it’s not as if he meant to die.”
“I was so in love with him. The moment I laid eyes on him, I knew I wanted to marry him. I refused to listen to my parents. Back then it was a sin to marry a Catholic. It didn’t bother me. Nothing bothered me. He was the most attractive man I had ever seen, with his strawberry-blond hair and greenish-blue eyes. And could he dance!” She began to sob and pressed her face into her lap. “I wanted to go dancing with him again.”
Ellie put her arm around her mom. “I know you did. I’m sure he was also looking forward to it.”
“Why did he go there that night? Tell me. He was home already, I’d cooked. Then suddenly he said he had to check that everything was going according to plan. I told him it was nonsense, but he didn’t listen.” Her mother wiped her tears with the hem of her dress, patted her hair in place and sat up. “It’s like he went looking for his death.”
They sat a while longer, then got up and went inside.
The kitchen was tidy. To Ellie’s surprise her mom allowed her to make sandwiches.
“You’ll have to do something about this food in the fridge. Give it to the neighbours if you’re not going to eat it.”
“I’ve given so much away already, but people keep bringing me food. I wish they’d give me money instead. God knows, some of them can’t even boil water. What makes them think they can cook?”
Ellie laughed. “They’re just trying to be kind.”
It was time for her mom’s favourite soap so they sat down in front of the TV with their sandwiches and tea.
The house felt cold. The two of them had lost their heat source, Ellie thought, and now they were stuck with each other; two people who had never really warmed to each other.
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