COLEL (Immortal Matchmakers, Inc. Series Book 5)

by Mimi Jean Pamfiloff

  “I don’t believe that. Because if she knew I’d die, that means she didn’t lift a finger to stop it.”

  “She is the reason you died, Tula. She made Minky bring you to that island. She knew I’d try to take you back from the mermen.” For the record, the mermen had only hosted Tula because Cimil had threatened them. But once a merman makes a deal, they put life and limb at risk to keep it. They’re fierce like that.

  “No. Cimil is my friend.” Tula shook her head. “She would have helped me if she thought my life was in jeopardy.” Her eyes teared up, and more than anything Zac wanted to hold her, but he couldn’t.

  Dammit. I can’t even give her a tissue or help her blow her cute little runny nose.

  “I’m sorry, Tula.” He walked over to the bed and sat next to her. She still didn’t move with the waves. It looked really weird. “But Cimil betrayed you. She can’t be trusted. Hell, she doesn’t even trust herself, which is why she keeps secrets. From herself. Yes, that is very, very bizarre and illogical, but that doesn’t stop her from doing it.”

  “I-I can’t bring myself to believe it. She wouldn’t let me die.”

  He tried to place his hand over hers, but it dropped through her. “Oops. Sorry. I forgot.” He hovered over her fingers to create the illusion of touching. “That’s the thing, Tula. She didn’t let you die completely. Her good side left a window open. A lifeline to bring you back.” How? Who knew? Because when it came to the ways of the Goddess of the Underworld, very few things made sense. “But if she saw all this coming, then she knew you’d tell me about the toaster popping. I think it was a warning that we don’t have much time to figure out how to fix you.”

  Tula blinked. “You really think I can get my body back?”

  He honestly didn’t know. “If there’s even the slightest chance, I’ll move heaven and earth for you, Tula—just an expression, of course. I can’t really move the planet, and I don’t know where heaven actually is, so…”

  “What if it doesn’t work? What if I end up being just like this?” She threw out her arms and looked down at her body. “A mirage.”

  “I would rather spend eternity looking at you and talking to you than an eternity of misery with nothing more than my memories.”

  “Oh, Zac.” She leaned forward to hug him and fell forward, landing on the part of the bed where he now sat, her head kind of poking out from his hip.

  She looked up at him, horrified.

  “Are you trying to get in my pants, Tula?” He smiled, attempting to make her feel better.

  “Oh, Mr. Zac, I don’t want to die like this.”

  “Without a body or inside mine?”

  “A virgin.” She righted herself and began sniffling. “Even if it’s just once, I want to know what it’s like. With you.”

  He looked down at her fragile hands, which were faking stroking his forearm. “I am an awesome deity, Tula. I can make the impossible happen. And I swear, if it’s the last thing I do, and the only good thing I ever do, I will fuck the sweetness right out of you.”

  “But we’ll be married first, yes?”

  He stared deeply into her wide blue eyes, feeling their connection at the level of their souls. “We will marry as soon as I speak to my brethren. At least I can give you that.”

  “Really?” She clapped with excitement. “But can I have time to prepare? Get a dress? Oh, wait. I don’t know where they sell dresses for women with no bodies. Maybe I can dream one up? I’m a strong believer in positive thinking.”

  “I’m sure you can, my love, and now, there is no time to waste. I have to summon my brethren for an emergency summit. After that, I need to find out where Roen is so he can give us Cimil back.”

  “The merman king? He’s scary.”

  Zac straightened his spine. “Roen does not frighten me. The issue is that I do not frighten him either. Persuading the mermen to give up Cimil’s location won’t be easy.”

  “So what are you saying?”

  “That I must gather my brethren. I may need help getting Roen to come around.” Zac slid his cell from the pocket of his black leather pants. “First things first, however, the gods must see you before they will back me.”

  “And if they don’t?” she asked.

  Then I will resort to drastic measures. Taking Roen prisoner, for example. “Please, my sweet Tula, you already have so much to worry about, being disembodied and all. Leave Cimil’s rescue to me.”

  She gazed at him lovingly. “I trust you, Zac. Because you’re a good man. A decent, loving, honorable man.”

  Dammit! She knows I was just thinking about torturing Roen. Why did her goodness always get in the way of his badness? Now he’d have to rethink his plans if things didn’t go his way with the other gods.

  Maybe I can nicely kidnap Roen?

  “I will not let you down, my wife-to-be. Now go do what ghosts do to find a wedding dress. I must get to work and summon my brethren.”

  CHAPTER TEN

  Colel wasn’t surprised when Chuck and the gang showed up to her barracks late that afternoon, exhausted and cranky from their journey all the way from Colorado.

  “I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I’d be crushed by an avalanche?” She narrowed her eyes at the formation of bees resembling a man with his arms crossed in disapproval. “Oh, stop. You know I hate it when you make people sculptures. It’s just weird.”

  They buzzed into a cloud and formed a hand with a middle finger sticking up.

  “Hardy har. I hear there’s a circus coming to town; maybe you should join their troop of clowns. You’d all fit into that tiny car, no problem.”

  They buzzed with fury.

  “I gotta say,” she replied, “for a group of ancient insects, you’re all completely immature. And stop accusing me of killing myself to escape you.”

  Buzz!

  “Well, yes.” She rolled her eyes. “I did call Rys. A simple phone call. So what?”

  Buzz, buzz!

  “Fine.” She threw her hands in the air. “I intended to see him, but only because I was blinded by rage. You’re all men, so I don’t think you understand how it feels to be a woman and get dismissed like that.”

  Chuck buzzed alone this time.

  She nodded. “I concede your point. But I did not dismiss my promise to you. Not exactly. He slighted me, and I’ll be damned if some florist stomps on my feelings without repercussions.”

  The hive dispersed and fluttered around the small sparsely furnished room containing a few bunks, two chairs, and a table. She could hear their tiny voices as they debated. “Bee angry; don’t trust her. She’s in love; we must help her. I’m hungry; where’s the honey?”

  Colel sighed. “Guys, guys…settle down. I know change isn’t always easy, but remember, you have each other. You’re a family. A team. And you’re the same species. I’m all alone. Yes, yes, I have my brethren, but you know what they’re like.” A typical family, if that family were made of degenerate lunatics with a raging case of narcissism and superpowers. “I need a partner who will hold my hand and kiss me.”

  And bend me over the sofa and pound seventy millennia of sexual frustration out of me.

  “I need…” She sighed with exasperation. “I want to be passionately loved by a man who will help me discover new things about myself.” Such deep, penetrating exploration had to be facilitated. Otherwise it was nothing more than mindless, empty masturbation—a thing she’d also like to learn about, because it apparently felt wonderful. But all that was more about her physical being. The part of her that lived on forever needed a soul mate if she hoped to understand all that she was.

  How can I possibly know myself if I’ve never loved? Hell, I haven’t even taken my heart out for a test drive.

  “Can’t you understand?” she pleaded. “I might bee breathing. I might have a pulse. But I am not alive. Not like you guys.” They felt content making love to flowers all day long. “I have been walking around feeling incomplete for seventy millennia, and i
f I have to live another day like this, then I might as well stay in my realm and take a long-ass nap.”

  For the first time ever, the hive was silent. And as everyone knew, a bee without words was a bee without objection. They were a very vocal group.

  She slid her right hand over her heart. “Thank you. Thank you, my babiees.” Because despite what was going on with the Universe, Colel needed this. She needed a mate to hold her at night and love her no matter what.

  ’Tis a brave hombre who can share his woman with a bunch of bugs who barf syrup.

  But if she was right, then Rys was that brave man. At the very least, she owed it to herself to find out.

  Colel bowed her head. “Now, my beeautiful friends, we must convince Rys to become a vampire. Because I’d like to date him.”

  The hive raged.

  “Yes, yes. I hear you. You wouldn’t dream of touching him now that you understand. But as we all know, accidents happen, and I’m not taking any chances.” Okay, plus, her black-and-yellow warriors were a bit temperamental, so she didn’t want to risk Rys being around them when they had an off day. Or got hangry.

  “So,” she sat on the small bed with the army green blanket, “now that it’s all settled, anyone have suggestions on how to entice our unruly florist to become a horrible, bloodsucking creature?”

  The hive fell completely silent. Whoa. Are they avoiding eye contact?

  “What? What aren’t you telling me?” she questioned.

  Chuck spoke first, but then the others joined in.

  “Oh gods.” She dropped her head, shaking it with remorse. “You’re right. I’ll never be able to convince him.” If she wasn’t a fan of vampires, then how could she convince Rys to make the change? “The only happy vampire I’ve ever met is Kinich, but that’s because he was tired of being a god.”

  A lightbulb went on.

  “That’s it! I’m going to have Rys meet Kinich. Then, when I finally tell Rys the truth about me and what’s going on, he won’t be so freaked out.” Rys would see that Kinich was a perfectly happy, married man with intelligence and strength. Most mortals were awestruck in his presence. “In fact, I’ll invite Votan, too. That way, when I explain that making Rys into a demilord—half demigod, half vampire—is the end game, he’ll see how incredible the opportunity is.” Votan, if anything, was impressive with his strapping, seven-foot frame and long blue-black hair. He also had a menacing, bitter vibe. Just like Rys.

  They’ll be two peas in a pod.

  Colel slapped her hands together. “Now, all I have to do is convince Votan and Kinich to have dinner with me and Rys. How hard could that be?”

  Her cell buzzed on the window ledge, where she’d left it charging. She went over to answer, noting it was Zac. “Hello?”

  “Colel, I’m calling an emergency summit here in LA. Tonight. What time can you be here?” He sounded excited, almost happy.

  “But I’m all the way down by the cenotes.”

  “What happened?” He knew if she was in Southern Mexico, it wasn’t for a vacation. She was either leaving the human world or returning from their realm.

  “Nothing,” she replied. “Just a little body-squish situation under a few tons of snow.” And, of course, Brutus didn’t come to her rescue fast enough because she’d ticked him off. He was so touchy lately. She just didn’t get it.

  “Ouch. Sounds painful,” said Zac.

  “Ah…tsokay. Been through worse.” Like the time she went to one of Belch’s house parties. As the God of Wine and Intoxication, he threw the best ragers. Unfortunately, he also liked lighting drinks on fire. One time, he missed. Her white cotton toga lit up like a torch, leaving her looking like a toasted marshmallow. Dark times. Dark times. “So what’s up with you and the meeting?”

  “You have to see it with your own eyes. It’s pretty amazing.”

  “Oh, I love intrigue. How about a hint?” she asked.

  “Sorry. Nocando. But will you come?”

  She didn’t see why not. There were plenty of planes standing by and no deadly blizzards in Los Angeles. “Will Kinich and Votan be there?”

  “Not sure yet, but I hope so.”

  “Excellent. I need your help convincing them to have dinner with my potential mate.”

  “Why? Do you want him to run away screaming or simply end up split right down the middle? Or, as I like to call it, the Votan filet.”

  “Rys is kind of a man’s man, if you know what I mean.”

  “He’s gay?”

  “No, dumbass.” She rolled her eyes. “He’s really into manly stuff, like being irritable, stubborn, and out of touch with his emotions.”

  “Don’t know what you mean.”

  “Exactly. But I’m hopeful between Kinich and Votan, they can connect with him at a level I can’t, and that will ease the shock when I tell Rys about me and you and the entire insane god posse.”

  “Sounds like a horrible disaster in the making. I’m in.”

  Colel smiled. “Excellent.”

  “On one condition,” Zac added.

  “Yes?”

  “You need to help me convince everyone to bring Cimil back. Even if it means war with the mermen.”

  Oh dear gods. “Please tell me you’re joking.”

  “I’m joking.”

  “Are you just saying that?” she asked.

  “No, it was a joke.”

  “So…you were joking about joking?” she asked.

  “No.” He paused. “And that was another joke.”

  “Ugh. Do you or don’t you want to petition to rescue Cimil?”

  “I have no other choice,” he replied, all seriousness this time.

  Wow. She could not pass up such drama. As dignified and ancient as she was, one could not exist for as long as she had and live off of peace and harmony alone.

  Drama is the spice of life. And I like mine muy picoso, with lots of hot peppers! She had to see this in person.

  “Zac, if you help me convince Kinich and Votan to have dinner with my candidate for future honey, then I will stand by your side when you ask for Cimil’s release and everyone falls to the floor, laughing hysterically.”

  Zac growled. “How about showing a little optimism? This is important.”

  “Okay…I am sure they will listen attentively.” She started to giggle. “Oh gods. I’m sorry. I can’t hold a straight face.”

  “Colel! I’m not fucking around here.”

  “Okay. Okay. Me and the hat hooligans will be there with stingers on, ready to do battle.”

  “That’s more like it,” he said. “I gotta go and help Tula with her wedding dress. See you tonight.”

  The call ended, leaving Colel wide-eyed, staring at her cell. Oh shit. He really has gone off the deep end. “Tonight is going to be epic!”

  Suddenly, she missed Cimil. Where was the fun in watching other people’s lives fall to shit, if you had no one to pee your pants with?

  Gods, I so miss laughing that hard…

  Colel sighed and looked at her bees. “All right, boyzz, load ’em up! Into the hat! We’re going to LA.”

  Oh, I’ll call Rys on the way. It would be the perfect opportunity to peel back one more layer.

  Perhaps I should offer him phone sex. I hear mortal men enjoy such things. Seemed a little weird—to try to replicate something so intimate through an electronic device—but what did she know? She’d never been with a man, and it wasn’t like she was the edgiest of females on the planet. She’d yet to even figure out how to masturbate.

  It’s like trying to tickle yourself. I just don’t get it.

  But sexy phone time couldn’t be that difficult. She would ask Gabrán for some mead. Honey wine should get her in the mood.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  Now in the air, heading to LA, Colel sat in the back of the plane alone while Chuck and the other bees sat up front, watching their favorite movie. Yes, The Bee Movie.

  They’re such a cliché.

  She dialed Rys, and it
rang several times before he answered in that sinfully seductive baritone voice. “Hello?”

  “Are you shirtless right now?” Colel took another chug of mead, which she’d been drinking for over an hour in an attempt to bolster her courage.

  “Excuse me?” he said.

  “It’s just—the way you answered the phone right now. You sounded like you might not have a shirt on. This is Colel, by the way.”

  “I know. I have caller ID. What do you want?” he asked curtly.

  Dammit. They were back to beeing hostile? Not again…

  “I was so looking forward to this phone-sex thing.” She sighed her words.

  “What?”

  “Never mind,” she said dejectedly. “I’m calling to invite you to dinner tomorrow night.”

  There was a long pause. “Thank you, but no. I’m not interested in going on a date.”

  “Well, the dinner would be with my family. My two brothers, in fact. They’re coming to town—your town—and I thought they might enjoy meeting someone from Crested Butte. Someone who…knows a lot about the road?” Gods, I am not a great salesman.

  “You mean the guys I met when I went to remove the snow from the driveway of my rental. The ones who don’t speak? Well, except for the big guy following me around town, looking like he wants to rip my head off.”

  Oh no. Brutus. He did mention he was going to follow Rys after he showed up at the house and got a lookie lookie at her cookie cookie.

  I guess Brutus is still tailing him. But why? Rys wasn’t a threat. If he had been, Brutus would know by now. The Uchben were incredible when it came to reconnaissance, and that went double for Brutus’s elite team. They could sniff out a bad fart underwater if you asked them to. Not that she would. Sniffing such awful smells was Minky’s thing.

  Evil unicorns. Nasty.

  Colel cleared her throat. “Those men are not my brothers.”

  “Then why are they staying at the house with you?”

  Oh, he sounds jealous. How exciting. “Um, well, they are really more like bodyguards of sorts. They travel with me from time to time.”