Chapter 16
Using the upcoming assignment as an excuse, Tori spent most of her time in her room researching LGBTQ rights, what she could do to help spread acceptance, and ways to break the news to her friends and family without destroying her entire life. The only time she left her room was for church, and she only did so to keep up appearances.
As was customary nearly every Sunday morning, she and her parents would dress in their Sunday best and head to the towering, stained-glass church across town. Considering how little they paid attention to religion the other six days of the week, Tori often wondered why they went; she assumed that their attendance was simply to impress the rest of the congregation with their expensive clothing and thick tithing envelope. Her father wanted everyone to know how generous he was with his money—after all, God had graced him with his own successful company. Running one of the largest telecommunication corporations in the country made her father an important player in the industry, and he always made his status known to everyone around him. Church was no exception; modesty was not one of his strongest virtues.
Tori would usually amuse herself during the hour-and-a-half-long service by evaluating the horrendous outfits others were wearing (“Why in the hell would you wear torn-up jeans to church?” “Oh my god! You can see every blubbery roll through that skin-tight shirt!” “Oh no he didn’t wear a bandana and a leather biker vest!”). After service, she’d paint on a plastic smile as crowds of people came to kiss up to her father—mostly underlings in his company who were aspiring to make a name for themselves with the big wigs, non-profit leaders trying to obtain grants for their organizations, and church staff who were trying to convince him to tithe more so that they could purchase new windows. Every person having an agenda when approaching her father after service made Tori think that attending church was nothing more than a popularity contest; people went there to be seen, to gossip about one another, and to network with business contacts.
This particular Sunday, Tori was more distracted than usual. She glanced around at the congregation and wondered if they could sense her self-doubt or see who she really was inside. Tori felt like an imposter; though admitting that she liked women felt as if a ton of bricks had fallen from her shoulders, she also felt a little guilty. Her parents had raised her to believe that being gay was wrong, and their church felt and taught the same thing. She wondered what they’d do if they knew: if the lot of them would snatch her up and dunk her in a tub of holy water to rid her of the “demon” inside, if they would form a prayer circle in her name and beg God to save her damned soul, or if they’d shun her and her family simply so that they could avoid being contaminated by her mere presence.
But it’s not like I’m doing any of this on purpose, Tori thought angrily. I like girls, but I didn’t choose this; as a matter of fact, I denied it for years! How can God hate me if He made me this way? Tori shook her head, trying to clear the thoughts from her mind; it wouldn’t do her any good, anyway, since no one would ever know the true answer.
“Before I begin the sermon,” the minister began, “I’d like to pass around this petition for everyone to sign. As you know, our state has recently begun considering a bill which would legalize gay marriage. We can’t let this happen as it is against God’s will!”
Tori subtly rolled her eyes and looked above. Is this supposed to be a sign? she thought bitterly.
“If every true Christian in the state would sign these petitions, we can prevent this law from being passed. The government is going to go with the majority, so we have to tell them that these people—” he spat the word as if he was clearing phlegm from his throat “—are not welcome in our cities and churches. Can you imagine living next to an abomination, a sin against God Himself, which the state allows freely? Watching two men or two women live together as if that’s what God intended? Their relationships blatantly go against God’s wishes; as it has been said in the past, God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve!”
Tori chuckled openly at the last statement, as did a few others. That was one of the corniest things I’ve ever heard in this place, and that’s saying something!
After a few more words of “inspiration,” the minister began passing around the petition. At first, Tori thought that she’d be able to casually pass it to the person next to her without signing it, but she soon realized that that would be impossible. As silence enveloped, she looked to the pulpit and realized that the minister had halted the service; instead, he was watching to see who signed the petition.
Tori filled with rage as she watched his eyes follow the clipboard. I thought church was supposed to be about how God loves all His children, Tori lamented. This seems quite like the opposite. What difference does it make if two women get married? It’s not like they’re going to try and convert their neighbors to homosexuality. Why is the Church so threatened by love?
Her leg bounced nervously as she realized that the petition would be passed to her soon. Would she sign it? Could she? If she signed it and the law ended up not being passed, she’d be denying herself the possibility of ever having a future with Chloe or any other woman. Could she deny herself—and her future life partner—that right?
She suddenly came to a realization, though it was a bittersweet one. I know that my parents are going to sign it. I’m only 17, though, so my signature doesn’t count, anyway. She beamed. If anyone asks—which I’m sure they will—I can just use that as an excuse. She thought about trying to convince her parents not to sign it, but she knew that the attempt would be fruitless; she was more than aware of their thoughts on the subject.
When the petition was passed to her, Tori handed it right to her mother, her heart sinking as she noticed the dozens of names on the piece of paper. She wondered how many people signed it because they wanted to and how many signed it only because the minister—and therefore God—was watching closely. She wondered if they thought about the thousands of faceless people’s lives they were affecting, how innocent love was being condemned because these people didn’t want or care to understand. Tori’s stomach twisted with anger as she thought of her and her potential partner’s future—if a future would even be possible—and the people all over the country who were already devoted to one another without ever being to make it legal. Holding back tears, she watched as dozens of people around her continue to fill the pages with signatures.
Once the petition was finally back in the minister’s hands, he continued the service and preached of God’s love. Tori’s rage drowned out the minister’s sermon as she worried about her future. They’ll treat me the same way, she thought as she looked around the church. They’ll all hate me just for being different, for not being perfect in their eyes. I’ll never be able to explain to them that I think God still loves me, that He made me this way, so there’s nothing wrong with me. They’ll quote some Bible passage at me and condemn me to hell. Her heart pounded as the walls seemed to collapse around her, stealing the oxygen from her lungs. She wanted nothing more than to get up and run away forever, away from their watchful, judgmental eyes.
Service soon ended, and Tori stood in the front of the church with her parents as people began to dote on her dad. She tried her best to display her usual, vacant stare as they talked to him, but she couldn’t help but worry that each person was looking right through her to the “evil” lesbian lurking in the shadows of her mind. She kept her head down to avoid eye contact, hoping that it would be over soon so that she could retreat to the safety of her bedroom.
“Mr. Reynolds! It’s so good to see you!” a man said as he shook her father’s hand. She recognized the voice as Sabrina’s father—and one of her dad’s subordinates.
“Hello, Jeff,” her father replied apathetically.
Sabrina stood next to Jeff, a sheepish look on her face. Tori suspected that Sabrina was embarrassed that her father had to try and kiss up to Tori’s dad to make a name for himself at work, but they’d never talked about it. Once they got
out of church, they pretended like the interaction between their fathers didn’t exist.
“Looks like our girls have been cheering on another great year!” Mr. Trainor exclaimed, clapping him on the shoulder. He always made sure to highlight that Tori and Sabrina were on the same squad, most likely as a means to strengthen their connection. Tori glanced at Sabrina, weak smiles forced onto both of their faces.
“Indeed,” Tori’s father replied, a bored expression on his face. “I’m sure Victoria will lead the girls just as spectacularly as she always has.” As was customary, he made sure to subtly remind Jeff that Tori was the lead cheerleader and therefore better than Sabrina.
Sabrina lowered her eyes, frowning. Tori would usually smirk at such a statement; every person in both families knew that Tori’s family was more important in nearly every way. Today, however, the comment made Tori’s stomach churn. It’s only a matter of time before my dad’s ego gets knocked down a peg with my news…
“Oh, I’m sure they’ll do wonderfully!” Jeff exclaimed, shuffling his feet. Tori suspected that her father’s last comment and lack of enthusiasm had slightly damaged his hope to get into her dad’s good graces and form a stronger bond. “Did you guys sign the petition?”
Tori’s stomach churned violently. She stared at the floor, hoping that they wouldn’t address her directly.
“Of course we did. We all did,” her father replied without hesitation.
“So did we,” Sabrina’s mother announced matter-of-factly. “We have to make sure that they know what God thinks about their relationships. It’s just not healthy or what God intended.”
Tori refrained from rolling her eyes or trying to defend herself. She studied her shoes intently to remain out of the conversation.
Tori’s parents nodded in reply, an awkward silence following. She could tell by her dad’s countenance that he was done making small talk with Sabrina’s family and wanted to leave. Tori was thankful for her father’s impatience for a change; she wanted the conversation to end as quickly as possible.
Much to Tori’s relief, Jeff got the hint and motioned towards the door. “Well, Mr. Reynolds, Mrs. Reynolds, Victoria, I guess we should be heading home. Have a blessed day!”
“Thank you, Jeff,” Tori’s mother said in her formal, hostess-like tone. “It’s always a pleasure to see you and your beautiful family.”
“The pleasure’s all ours,” Sabrina’s mom insisted sweetly, leading them away.
Sabrina nodded at Tori, a hint of resentment in her eyes.
Chapter 17
During the next few weeks, Chloe and Tori became even closer, spending most of their free time together in homeroom and after school. Tori didn’t care if people noticed that she was smart anymore; Chloe liked her the way she was, and Tori was happy with that. Tori’s wardrobe had become more casual, and she felt more confident as she stopped trying to be popular and just acted like herself. The Frosted Flakes got on her case about not looking “perfect” all of the time, but Tori shrugged them off. She barely saw them outside of cheerleading practice, anyway.
Tori and Chloe sat in the Rabbit Hole late on Friday, their arms resting against one another as they peered at Tori’s laptop. Chloe studied Tori’s face as she scribbled notes; Tori always smiled when they were together, making her even more beautiful. Chloe practically knew every detail of Tori’s face after spending so much time with her in the past couple of weeks. She often conjured an image of Tori’s smiling face when they weren’t together, feeling joy and warmth whenever she did.
As surreal as it was when she realized it, Chloe had a crush on Tori, and it was both exciting and terrifying. Tori seemed to be interested in her on more than a platonic level, too, so she’d let her guard down a bit. A part of her still feared that she was reading too far into Tori’s actions and that Tori didn’t feel the same way that she did, but her gut told her differently. She was afraid to ruin their friendship by confessing that she had a crush on her, so she silently admired her from afar.
Tori felt Chloe’s stare and wondered if Chloe felt something for her. She often got the impression that Chloe and Kristen had been more than just friends, so there was a pretty good chance that Chloe also liked women. Chloe seemed to flirt with Tori sometimes, too, though she told herself that it was just her imagination. Though she trusted Chloe with practically every other detail of her life, she still hadn’t told Chloe about her interest in girls for fear that she’d be disgusted and stop talking to her.
Tori glanced up from her notebook and smiled bashfully at Chloe. The winter dance was two weeks away, and there was no one with whom she wanted to go more. Tori didn’t want her to go as her official date, necessarily; they always had a good time when they were together, so this was a valid excuse to spend more time with her outside of their project—and a reason to try and impress her in a cute dress. She was afraid to ask her out, though, especially since she wasn’t sure if Chloe already was going with a date or if she considered their friendship important enough to go together.
Tori cleared her throat. “Completely off-topic, are you going to the winter dance?” she asked, trying to sound casual.
Chloe shook her head. “I usually refrain from going to school functions.”
Tori frowned. “Why’s that?”
Chloe shrugged. “I don’t see the point. Why would I want to spend time with a bunch of people I can’t stand under normal circumstances? Not only that, but I can’t comprehend spending a bunch of my own money to buy a dress and try to impress these people when I actually couldn’t give a shit less what they think.”
Tori’s eyes widened slightly at Chloe’s sudden, bitter outburst. “I see,” she muttered sadly. After a pause, she decided to try a little harder to talk Chloe into going; she really wanted her to be there, and she wouldn’t have nearly as much fun without her. “It’s fun, though, if you go with your friends. You don’t have to dress for anyone else or even pay attention to them. It’s exciting to get prettied up, go to a party, and just have fun looking like goddesses. To hell with what anyone else thinks!”
Tori’s eyes were sparkling with excitement, and Chloe couldn’t help but smile. She’d never considered school gatherings to be anything other than a popularity contest; she hadn’t considered what it would be like to go to a dance just to hang out with friends. “I guess it could be fun,” she admitted.
“It is fun!” Tori demanded. “You should go with me.” Tori stopped afterward, amazed that she was able to so casually ask her to the dance.
Chloe frowned. “You’ll be there with the Frosted—um—your cheerleading friends, though.” She made a sour face. “I have no desire to go anywhere near those people, especially after what they’ve said about me.”
“I get that,” Tori responded. “I might say hi to them when we get there, but I won’t spend the whole night with them. I promise.” Her hopes fell as doubt clouded Chloe’s eyes. “I have more fun with you, anyway, Chloe.”
Chloe peered into Tori’s eyes. Her demeanor was as genuine as her tone, and Chloe’s instincts told her once again that Tori thought of her as more than just a friend. Nevertheless, Chloe raised her eyebrow, still uncertain about going. “I don’t know…I mean, I don’t have a dress or anything.”
Tori threw her arms up in exasperation. “Chloe, you work in a clothing store!” Tori reminded her. “You mean to tell me your store has no dresses and that you don’t have a discount for items you purchase there?”
Chloe grinned sheepishly and chuckled. “Well, yeah, they have dresses, and I do get a discount, but—”
“Then you’re going with me,” Tori insisted. “We can go and pick out dresses together and everything. It’ll be fun, Chloe, you’ll see!” She looked at Chloe expectantly, hoping that she’d said enough to change her mind.
Chloe was impressed by Tori’s determination. She was leaning towards wanting to go, actually, but she was afraid of what might happen if she went with Tori. S
he was fearful that Tori would desert her and that the Frosted Flakes would start getting on their case for spending all of their free time together, including going to a dance together. The last thing that she wanted was for the Frosted Flakes to start accusing Tori of being a lesbian just because they’d been hanging out so much; that kind of pressure could put a major wedge between them and their blossoming friendship. On top of that, Kristen was going to be there with Jim, and watching them dance and be all cutesy with each other would be difficult to avoid all evening.
Looking into Tori’s beautiful, pleading eyes, though, Chloe knew she had to at least give it a try. She also liked the idea of dressing up and looking like a princess, and it’d be fun to spend time with Tori without having to worry about homework. Making up her mind, Chloe nodded. “I’ll give it a shot,” she announced, watching Tori’s face light up with the news.
“Great!” Tori exclaimed. “We’ll have to go shopping and start getting ready. Are you off tomorrow?”
Chloe frowned. “Not until Sunday,” she replied.
“That’s okay,” Tori assured her. “You can start looking at your dress options while you’re working, and then we can pick one out on Sunday. Maybe I’ll come up and start checking out the dresses, too, and you can help me as if I were just a customer. What do you think?”
“Sure, let’s do it,” Chloe agreed excitedly. She had to admit: Tori’s enthusiasm was contagious.
* * *
In her free time between school and work, Chloe modeled multiple hairstyles and jewelry ensembles in front of the mirror. She had already picked the style of dress she wanted, and she’d narrowed the fabric color down to burgundy, blue, or black. Her makeup was splayed across her vanity as she practiced with different styles, trying to figure out a balance between formal and casual. She could barely contain her excitement, and she felt utterly ridiculous; she vowed that she’d never get all girly over a stupid dance, and she was doing just that.
Our New Normal Page 9